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By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is a deeply personal process. While every survivor’s journey is unique, many people find that taking time to reflect intentionally on their priorities along the healing journey can bring clarity, direction, and renewed hope. When life has been filled with chaos, fear, or emotional upheaval, pausing to consider what you need most moving forward can be an empowering step. Survivors often carry the heavy impacts of trauma, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. Amid all of this, it’s easy for your own needs to become buried under the stress of coping, staying safe, and rebuilding. That’s why intentionally naming your healing priorities can be a powerful act of self-care. It reminds you that your well-being matters and that your healing deserves space, time, and attention. Below, you’ll find a simple reflection exercise adapted for the Source for Survivors community. Take your time with each statement. There are no right or wrong answers. Keep in mind that healing is not linear, and your priorities may evolve as you gain strength, safety, and clarity. Reflection Exercise: Exploring Your Healing Priorities Consider these prompts as a starting point for deeper reflection. You may want to write in a journal, talk through your thoughts with a counselor, or simply reflect quietly on each one.
Final Thoughts As you reflect on your responses, try to notice what themes, feelings, or hopes rise to the surface. Are you longing for more peace? More confidence? Stronger boundaries? A deeper connection with yourself? Greater joy? Healing is about taking small, intentional steps toward the life you deserve. Remember, naming your priorities is not meant to add pressure. Instead, it’s an invitation to be gentle and honest with yourself. Your healing belongs to you, and you get to decide where your energy goes. Above all, keep reminding yourself that healing is possible. The fact that you’re exploring what you need and envisioning a healthier future is a powerful sign of strength. Step by step, you are reclaiming your voice, your worth, and your path forward.
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By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive or abusive relationship involves unpacking many layers of impact, including physical, emotional, social, and practical effects of the abuse. One of the most significant, yet often overlooked, effects of abuse is how it can alter the way survivors think and feel about themselves. Abusive people often use criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation as tools of control, and over time, these tactics can deeply influence survivors’ self-concept and worldview. If you’ve noticed shifts in how you see yourself, your relationships, or your beliefs about life because of what you experienced, please know this is a normal response to harmful behavior. The good news is that with time, support, and intentional healing, these impacts can be understood, softened, and healed. In today’s post, we’ll explore two major areas commonly affected by abuse: your self-concept and your underlying beliefs about life. You’ll also find self-reflection exercises to help you gently explore your own experiences in these areas. How Abuse Can Shape Your Self-Concept Your self-concept includes your sense of worth, confidence, identity, and trust in your own perceptions. Abusive relationships often chip away at these foundations, sometimes slowly and subtly, other times abruptly and painfully. If you have ever questioned your judgment, doubted your worth, or felt worn down by interactions with a harmful person, you are not alone. These responses are common because abusive people frequently use tactics such as:
Self-Reflection Exercise: Self-Concept Impacts (True/False)
How Abuse Can Shift Your Core Beliefs Beyond impacting how you think about yourself, abusive relationships often lead survivors to question fundamental beliefs about relationships, the future, spirituality, and even the goodness of helping others. These shifts make sense, as abuse can shake the ground beneath survivors in profound ways. When someone you trusted harms you, it’s only natural that your beliefs about safety, hope, or trust may change. Below is a another self-reflection exercise designed to help you identify areas where your fundamental beliefs may have been affected. You can write down your responses privately, discuss them with a trained professional, or simply use them as a starting point for deeper reflection. Self-Reflection Exercise: Exploring Possible Shifts in Core Beliefs Beliefs About Relationships: Example: “Other people can’t easily be trusted.” What beliefs about relationships (e.g., trust, intimacy, boundaries, connection) have been shaped by your experiences? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Hope for the Future: Example: “Life will always be so difficult.” Have recent challenges influenced how you view your future, your goals, or your sense of possibility? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Spiritual or Religious Views: Example: “Why doesn’t my Higher Power help me more?” Have your faith, spirituality, or sense of meaning been affected by what you experienced? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About the Value of Helping Others: Example: “People will hurt you even when you try to help them.” Have the actions of an abusive person affected your belief in kindness, compassion, or reciprocity? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Concluding Thoughts Exploring these impacts may bring up difficult feelings, and that’s understandable. Sometimes gaining insight means revisiting wounds we’ve been carrying for a long time. As you reflect, please remember:
By Christine Murray
The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, filled with holiday treats, celebrations, and connection. But for many survivors of abusive relationships, this season can also bring unique challenges and complicated emotions. Survivors’ experiences around the holidays are diverse. Some may feel deep loneliness, especially if they’re spending the holidays apart from their children or loved ones. Others might feel anxious about facing questions from relatives about their past relationship or their current life. Many feel overwhelmed by the busyness and added pressures that often arise during the holiday season. And for some survivors, the holidays might also bring painful memories of past years that were overshadowed or ruined by an abuser’s actions. For whatever reasons, please know you’re not alone and that it’s natural if this time of year doesn’t feel joyful or peaceful for you. Honor Your Feelings and Needs It’s understandable if the holidays feel hard. Give yourself permission to experience whatever emotions come up, whether that’s sadness, anger, grief, numbness, or even relief. You don’t need to force yourself into holiday cheer if that doesn’t feel genuine. Instead, focus on honoring your feelings and your current needs. This might mean setting aside extra time for rest, quiet reflection, or self-care. Journaling, engaging in creative outlets, or simply being present during moments of stillness can help you stay grounded through emotionally intense times. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Peace Boundaries are especially important during the holidays. Give yourself permission to make decisions and set boundaries that promote your well-being. Remember that you do not have to attend events, answer intrusive questions, or engage with people who make you uncomfortable or unsafe. It’s okay to say no, decline invitations, keep certain topics off-limits, or step away early from a gathering if it starts to feel overwhelming. If people pressure you to talk about your past relationship or other painful topics, you can prepare gentle but clear responses in advance, such as: “That’s not something I want to talk about right now,” or “Thanks for your concern, but I’m focusing on enjoying the day.” Your emotional well-being is important. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-protection. Create New Traditions That Bring You Joy Healing often means re-imagining what joy looks like for you. You might find comfort in creating your own new traditions that reflect where you are in your life now. Buy yourself a small gift that feels meaningful. Spend time with supportive friends. Enjoy a favorite holiday meal or dessert. Listen to uplifting music, even if it has nothing to do with the holidays. Or, if you prefer, skip festivities altogether and spend the time resting or reflecting. There’s no “right” way to celebrate (or not celebrate) the holidays. The key is to create space for what feels comforting and meaningful to you at this point in your healing journey. Reach Out for Support If You Need It If you’re feeling particularly distressed or lonely this holiday season, remember that help is available. Support is available 24/7 through the 988 Lifeline and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also visit our Other Source for Survivors Resources page Conclusion It’s completely natural if you’re counting down the days until the holidays are over. But even during difficult seasons, try to create small moments of peace, comfort, and joy whenever possible. Be intentional about creating an upcoming holiday season that honors your needs, safety, and healing. By Christine Murray
So many parts of adulthood require us to do things we’d rather not do, such as paying bills, scheduling doctor appointments, cleaning, or doing laundry. Life as a responsible adult certainly isn’t always fun and games, and it can be grueling at times. For survivors of abusive relationships, however, the “things we don’t want to do” category can be even more intense and emotionally draining. Facing a court date, communicating with an abusive ex-partner about custody issues, or taking extra time to document harassment are all examples of tasks that may feel overwhelming and distressing but, unfortunately, are sometimes unavoidable parts of the healing journey. Because these situations can’t always be avoided, it’s helpful to plan ahead and approach them with as much support and intentionality as possible. Below are some ideas for getting through challenging situations in ways that can promote healing and reduce unnecessary stress. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions: When something feels painful or unfair, it’s natural for strong emotions to arise. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, whether that’s anger, sadness, fear, frustration, or exhaustion. Try not to dismiss your feelings or pressure yourself into “just staying positive” when you’re hurting. Journaling, therapy, or naming your emotions aloud can be healthy ways to process your feelings. Surround Yourself with Trusted Supporters: You don’t have to face hard moments alone. Reach out to people you trust, such as close friends, family members, an advocate, or a counselor, and let them know what you’re going through. Trusted supporters can listen without judgment, help you plan practical steps, and remind you of your strength when you need encouragement. Prepare and Practice: If you know you’ll need to face a difficult situation, such as communicating with your abuser or appearing in court, rehearsing possible scenarios can help you feel more confident in the moment. As much as possible, role-play what you might say, plan for how you’ll respond if something upsetting happens, and identify strategies to promote your composure and safety. Keep the Big Picture in Mind: When you’re in the middle of something difficult, it can be easy to lose sight of why you’re doing it. Try to zoom out and remember your bigger goals. For example, spending time documenting your abuser’s ongoing harassment might feel burdensome, but that documentation could help protect a survivor legally or emotionally in the long run in court proceedings. Keeping your “why” in focus can help you push through the hard parts with more purpose and clarity. Lift Yourself Up: Encouragement matters, especially when you’re facing tough situations. Find ways to cheer yourself on. Examples might include posting uplifting quotes where you’ll see them, playing a favorite song that boosts your confidence, saying a prayer, or repeating a positive affirmation. These small acts of self-encouragement can help you approach difficult tasks with greater self-assurance. Reflect and Decompress Afterward: Once you’ve made it through the hard thing, take time to pause and reflect. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow? Even if the experience was painful or uncomfortable, notice ways you showed up with courage and integrity. Afterward, do something that feels self-supporting, like taking a walk, spending time with someone who makes you laugh, or doing a hobby that you find to be creative or relaxing. Conclusion Healing from past abuse often involves facing challenges that feel unfair, unwanted, and tiring. But each time you take one of these difficult steps, you’re proving your strength and your commitment to your safety and well-being. Even when the healing process feels difficult, remind yourself that you are capable, strong, and worthy of healing and wholeness. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships are difficult to experience, and they can impact you in many ways, including your physical, emotional, and mental health, your career or educational performance, your sense of self-worth, and how you approach other relationships. Coping with an abusive relationship can be very challenging, as can the process of recovering from the effects of an abusive relationship even after it has ended. In today’s post, I want to share a few important reminders for survivors who are at any point along the sometimes long, difficult healing journey following an abusive relationship. Throughout your healing journey, prioritize your safety and consider seeking help from a trained professional (e.g., a mental health professional or a victim advocate). Remember that this includes your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety and overall well-being in all areas of your life, including your finances, relationships, and career. Be intentional and consistent in caring for yourself when coping with or recovering from an abusive relationship. This includes caring for your physical, mental, and emotional health. Be mindful of any effects that the stress and turmoil of the abusive relationship have had on your well-being. Overcoming these negative effects of this harmful relationship can take time and require an intentional approach to healing. The healing journey takes a different amount of time for everyone, so be patient and remember to move forward at a pace that feels comfortable and meaningful to you. Even if you have had many abusive relationship experiences, know that you have the capacity to build healthy relationships with healthy, flexible boundaries in different areas of your life. If you are still navigating any ongoing experiences of abuse (such as post-separation abuse if there is shared custody with your abuser), be proactive and intentional as you make decisions about which directions you need to take in those situations, both in the short-term and over the long term. If you find yourself in the midst of an abusive relationship that you know needs to end, but you can’t do so right away for practical or other reasons, begin taking steps that will move you closer to being in a position to remove yourself from that relationship or environment when the time is right. Resources like a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be invaluable sources of support. Congratulations on being intentional about your healing journey, whether your journey is just beginning or you’ve been in the process for a long time. By doing so, you have prioritized your well-being and taken powerful steps toward healing. Remember to continue to prioritize your growth and self-care as you move forward. This may look like completing self-help activities or books, or seeking professional support. Know that any steps you take toward increasing your capacity for coping with or recovering from the abusive relationship experiences you faced are powerful growth opportunities. And finally, always remember that you are worthy of a positive, fulfilling life in which you’re surrounded by people who genuinely care about and support you. There is nothing in your past that disqualifies you from that positive vision for your future. By Christine Murray
As a longtime licensed marriage and family therapist, I deeply believe in the potential value of relationship- and family-oriented counseling. There can be tremendous growth and healing when couples or families work together in a therapeutic setting to address challenges and strengthen their relationships. That said, in today’s post, I want to address a very important point: Couples therapy generally is not recommended when abuse is present in a relationship. In fact, it can be harmful and unsafe for the victim or survivor. Below, I’ll walk through why couples therapy is generally not appropriate when a partner is perpetrating abuse, and what alternative forms of support may be more helpful and safe. Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that this topic can bring up a lot of emotions, especially for survivors who tried couples counseling with an abusive partner and found it confusing, invalidating, or even re-traumatizing. If that has been your experience, please know that it makes sense, and you are not alone. Please also note that the information I’m sharing here is meant as general guidance. If you are considering whether therapy might be helpful in your situation, or if you’re feeling unsure about a relationship that has included abusive dynamics, I encourage you to seek individualized support. This might include a counselor who is trained in domestic violence dynamics or reaching out to a resource such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence advocacy agency. Why Couples Therapy Isn’t Safe or Effective in Abusive Relationships In general, couples counseling works best when both partners are committed to a foundation of safety and respect and are open to reflecting on their own roles in the relationship dynamics. But when abuse is present, these conditions don’t exist. Here’s why this matters: 1. Safety Concerns for the Survivor First and foremost, couples therapy can pose serious risks to survivors. An abusive partner might retaliate after emotionally charged topics are addressed in a therapy session. Even if the abuser appears calm during the session, they may act later with escalated emotional, psychological, or physical abuse as “punishment” for what was said. Typically, couples counselors can only get a limited glimpse into what’s happening in the relationship. Abusers may present themselves as calm, rational, or even remorseful in front of the therapist, which can be part of their manipulation. But once the session ends, their controlling and harmful behaviors may continue or worsen, out of the therapist’s view. 2. Couples Counseling Treats Relationship Issues as Mutual Generally speaking, couples therapy addresses problems as shared or mutual between partners. But abuse is not a mutual problem. It’s an individual behavior that stems from an abuser’s motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. Approaching abuse as a relationship problem can minimize the accountability of the abusive partner. It may send the message, intentionally or not, that the survivor is somehow responsible for the abuse or needs to change their behavior to make the abuse stop. This is never true. Abuse is always the sole responsibility of the person who is choosing to be abusive. 3. Therapy Requires Trust and Safety, Which Abuse Undermines Effective therapy requires a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety. Without those elements, the therapeutic process can’t work the way it’s intended to. When power and control dynamics exist in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible for both partners to feel safe enough to engage honestly and openly in counseling. In some cases, abusers may even use therapy sessions as a tool of manipulation, such as by twisting the survivor’s words, gaining more access to their emotional vulnerabilities, or using the session to appear cooperative while continuing their abuse outside the session. What to Consider Instead of Couples Counseling If you or someone you care about is in a relationship where abuse is present, and the question of therapy or healing comes up, there are safer and more effective alternatives than couples counseling to consider: 1. Accountability and Intervention for the Abusive Partner The most important first step for an abusive partner is to take full responsibility for their behaviors and demonstrate a sustained commitment to change. The current best practice for intervention is participation in a batterer intervention program (BIP), sometimes also called a domestic violence intervention program. These programs are often mandated through the court system, but many also accept voluntary participants. They focus on the power and control dynamics that drive abusive behaviors and work toward long-term behavior change and accountability. It’s important to note that anger management programs are not a substitute for batterer intervention. Abuse is not about anger; it’s about power and control. While learning healthy ways to manage anger can be helpful, it doesn’t address the core power and control issues at the root of abuse. In some cases, when a formal batterer intervention program isn’t available, an alternative might be individual counseling with a professional who has specific, extensive training and experience working with abusive partners. However, the provider should be well-versed in domestic violence dynamics and focused on holding the abusive person accountable. 2. Individual Counseling and Support for Survivors While couples counseling is not appropriate when abuse is present, individual counseling can be a valuable part of the healing journey for survivors. Individual counseling offers a private, safe space to process the abuse, build coping tools, and explore options for the future. Support groups for survivors, peer support networks, and advocacy services through local domestic violence agencies can also provide helpful resources, encouragement, and a sense of community. When seeking a therapist, survivors should look for someone who is trauma-informed and trained in intimate partner violence. Unfortunately, not all mental health professionals are adequately prepared to support survivors, so it’s important to ask questions and seek a provider who has relevant experience and understanding. 3. Legal and Advocacy Resources Sometimes survivors may also benefit from consulting with attorneys or legal advocates to explore their rights, especially if safety planning, custody, or protection orders are needed. Domestic violence agencies often have legal advocacy staff or partnerships with attorneys who can provide free or low-cost guidance. What If the Abusive Partner Refuses to Change? In another Source for Survivors blog post, I explore the question, “Can abusers change?” Although change is possible in some cases, it is not guaranteed. Even if an abusive partner makes promises to change, survivors must be cautious and stay grounded in the reality of what they observe, not just what they’re told by their abuser. Change requires time, consistency, accountability, and humility. If an abusive partner refuses to seek help or continues harmful behaviors, it’s important to prioritize your own safety and healing. Conclusion As a therapist and a survivor, it makes me cringe when I hear someone suggest couples counseling for a relationship in which abuse is present. I cringe not only because I know how unsafe it can be for the survivor, but also because it sends the wrong message: that the abuse is somehow a shared problem or that the survivor needs to “work on the relationship” alongside their abuser. The truth is, abuse is a choice made by the person causing harm. Survivors are never responsible for the abuse they experience. If you're in a relationship with abusive dynamics (or trying to support someone who is), please consider reaching out for individualized support from trained professionals or advocacy organizations. There are many helpful, safe, and empowering resources available, and the right support can make a world of difference. Couples counseling might not be the safest or most appropriate resource in relationships involving an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other options available to help you along your path toward healing, safety, and peace. By Christine Murray
This blog post is adapted from Chapter 9 of our book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment after Surviving an Abusive Relationship. To learn more about the book and access related resources, please visit The Source for Survivors Financial Abuse Recovery Book Resources webpage. Healing after an abusive relationship is a personal journey that can unfold in many different ways. For many survivors, an important part of the healing journey includes rediscovering or re-imagining their professional and educational goals. Whether it means going back to school, starting a new job, changing careers, or simply reflecting on what kind of work brings meaning and stability, this process can be empowering and healing. If you’re in the early stages of abuse recovery, thinking about big career or education decisions may feel overwhelming. You may be dealing with financial pressures, lingering trauma, self-doubt, or the ongoing impacts of the abuse you experienced (such as being discouraged or blocked from working or studying during the relationship). Remember that it’s never too late to invest in yourself and take intentional steps toward building a future that reflects your goals, values, and dreams. In abusive relationships, it’s common for survivors to feel like their needs, goals, and well-being were consistently devalued. A big part of healing for many survivors involves learning to reclaim your worth, and one powerful way to do this can include making intentional investments in yourself. This might include self-care, counseling, rest, and seeking new opportunities related to work and learning. Everyone’s career and educational paths are different. You may be working in a job you love, seeking something new, feeling unsure of your next steps, or currently not in the workforce at all. Wherever you are right now, keep in mind that the goal is not to follow someone else’s blueprint. It’s important to explore what feels meaningful and supportive for you. That could mean completing a degree, returning to school, launching a business, exploring volunteer work, or finding peace in staying where you are. There’s no one right way to move forward, so take time to consider what steps feel right to you at this point in time. Survivors may face unique challenges in their educational or professional lives, some of which may be the direct result of abuse. Perhaps you were kept from working or studying. Maybe you were constantly criticized or told you weren’t capable. The lingering effects of this kind of mistreatment can impact your confidence and decision-making long after the relationship ends. At the same time, setting and working toward educational or career goals can be a powerful part of healing. Taking steps toward your goals can build confidence, foster a sense of purpose, and contribute to financial independence. You may even discover a deeper sense of identity or reconnect with dreams you’d put on hold. Practical Considerations and Strategies If you're exploring educational or career goals after abuse, here are a few practical strategies and considerations to keep in mind:
Conclusion Whether you’re dreaming of a new career, thinking about returning to school, or just beginning to explore what’s next, remember that you are worthy of growth. You are capable of learning new things, and you can pursue opportunities that align with your goals and your healing journey. Pursuing career or educational goals after an abusive relationship isn’t always easy, but it can be a powerful part of the healing journey. These steps, however small they may feel at first, are part of reclaiming your future and honoring your worth. Whether you're focused on resting and recovering, mapping out big dreams for your future, or somewhere in between, remember that you deserve a future that feels empowering, meaningful, and free. How the “Good Times” (or Even the Neutral Ones) Add to the Confusion of Abusive Relationships7/8/2025 By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can be very confusing, from both the inside (i.e., for victims and survivors) and the outside looking in (i.e., for personal and professional supporters of victims and survivors). There are many reasons for this confusion, including trying to make sense of the internal motivation of abusers, navigating all of the emotions and stress that arise during the relationship, logistical factors like finances, and aiming to make clear decisions in the midst of a very unclear set of circumstances. For victims and survivors, confusion can show up as uncertainty about what to do and whether to leave their abusive partners, feelings of shame and stigma about telling others about the abuse, and difficulty sorting through mixed emotions about one’s relationship, partner, and even oneself. From the outside looking in, supporters may feel confused about why a victim is not leaving their abusive partner and difficulty reconciling a (possibly positive) image of the abuser with the realities of their harmful reactions. From my own personal experiences and my observations through my work, I believe that there is a common misconception about abusive relationships that adds significantly to the confusion surrounding abusive relationships. The common misconception is the idea that abusive relationships are always bad. Even the term “abusive relationship” implies that these relationships are defined by the abuse. Now, I believe it is important to define and name abuse when it is happening. On the other hand, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that there can be periods of time in which even abusive relationships feel like they are “good” or even neutral. The dynamic nature of abusive relationships is well-understood as part of the Cycle of Violence, which identifies at least 3 key phases of abusive patterns: the honeymoon phase, the tension-building phase, and the explosion phase. Learning about these phases and the overall Cycle of Violence can be eye-opening for many survivors, although not all relationships follow these phases in the same way. In addition, the phases in this cycle often change over time, especially as violence and abuse become deeply entrenched in a relationship. “Good times” in abusive relationships might be part of a honeymoon phase, meaning they might reflect periods of time following incidents of abuse in which an abuser is on their best behavior and trying to get back in the good graces of the victim or survivor. On the other hand, I’ve come to believe there is also the potential for “good times” and even neutral times (i.e., those that a victim wouldn’t necessarily describe as good or bad) to occur in ways that may not align directly with the Cycle of Violence. Sometimes, “good” and neutral times can last for an extended period of time, perhaps months or even years on end. (I put “good times” in quotes because I think it’s questionable whether these good times might be part of broader manipulation patterns in abusive relationships.) In my personal experience in my own past abusive relationship, the “good” and neutral times were a major added source of confusion about my overall experiences in the relationship. There were certainly periods of time in that relationship that were very clearly bad and abusive. On the other hand, sometimes even after these times, there would be periods of relative calm. I would be left wondering, “Maybe this relationship is not all that bad? Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe he didn’t mean it and will change so that his harmful behavior won’t happen again?” Often, the periods of relative calm would emerge without much fanfare, and typically, there was no formal apology or acknowledgement of harm on the part of my abuser that marked the start of these periods. Rather, I would just sort of notice that it didn’t feel as bad as it had been feeling earlier, when it was a more active abuse phase. I can speak from personal experience when I say how confusing these “good” or neutral times were to my overall experiences in that abusive relationship. I’m certain they led me to stay in the relationship a lot longer than I might have otherwise, had these times not added to my confusion about what to do about the relationship. It helped me to realize that, even though there were times when my relationship was “not that bad,” this did not take away from the fact that abuse was a very present and real part of my experience in that relationship. Every victim’s and survivor’s experiences within abusive relationships are unique. There are definitely some survivors for whom there have never been any good (or even neutral) experiences within their relationships. Even still, for those for whom “good” and neutral periods of time have added to their confusion about their relationships, there can be a lot of power in knowing that they’re not alone in these experiences. If you’ve faced confusion about the dynamics of an abusive relationship because it was not 100% abusive or bad, 100% of the time, know that you are not alone. Likewise, know that you’re not alone if “good” or neutral times in the relationship contributed to any mixed feelings you had about the relationship and your partner. Honor your feelings and experiences, and continue to process and validate them on your own and with the support of trusted professionals or loved ones. Trust that even in the midst of confusion, you are building the strength and insight needed to move forward on your own terms. Building A Healthy Romantic Relationship After an Abusive One (Or Choosing to Stay Happily Single)6/17/2025 By Christine Murray
Healing after an abusive relationship is a very personal journey. For some survivors, part of that journey eventually includes building a new romantic relationship. For others, the healthiest, most empowering choice may be to remain happily single, whether temporarily or indefinitely. There’s no one-size-fits-all path, and today’s post is meant to offer encouragement for whichever direction feels right for you right now. After experiencing the trauma of an abusive relationship, it’s understandable to feel apprehensive about future romantic relationships. Survivors often have witnessed how easily trust can be broken and how painful it can be when hopes for love are shattered. Even still, it’s important to remember that safe, healthy relationships are possible after abuse. Relationships grounded in respect, kindness, communication, and emotional safety do exist. It may take time, healing, and trust in yourself, but if finding a new romantic relationship is something you want, it’s absolutely possible. At the same time, it’s just as valid to decide that pursuing a new relationship isn’t something you want or need, either for the time being or at any point in the future. Some survivors find deep fulfillment and peace in living single. You are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. The most important thing is that the choices you make about relationships moving forward honor your healing, well-being, and personal needs. Choosing to Stay Single: A Valid and Potentially Empowering Decision Not every survivor will desire to pursue a new relationship after abuse. Many survivors find that stepping away from dating and relationships is an important part of their healing. Some choose temporary breaks from romantic relationships to focus on self-care, while others decide to remain single long-term or permanently. There are many reasons survivors might choose to stay single, including desiring to focus on their healing, personal growth, and emotional safety, as well as seeking opportunities to enjoy their newfound freedom and independence after living under the control of their abuser. Choosing to remain single can be a powerful, courageous act of self-love. Of course, if you choose to stay single, it’s normal to encounter societal pressures or questions from others. You might hear, “When are you going to start dating again?” or, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” It’s okay to affirm your choices and remind yourself that your journey doesn’t need validation from anyone else. Entering New Relationships: Accepting Risk and Honoring Growth If you do choose to seek out a new romantic relationship after an abusive one, it’s important to recognize that some level of risk is inherent in trusting another person. Survivors may carry understandable fears, such as fear of being hurt again, fear of missing early warning signs, or fear of repeating painful patterns. Acknowledging these fears is healthy, and it’s a sign of the wisdom you gained through your experiences. Building a new, healthy relationship after abuse often requires self-awareness, intentionality, healthy boundaries, listening to your instincts, and seeking input and guidance from a trusted support system. Often, when starting to date again, it is wise to take things slowly as you get to know the other person and see if they have the potential to be a safe, supportive partner to you (and you to them). Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor when exploring new relationships. Counseling can offer tools for rebuilding trust, addressing trauma-related responses, and strengthening your sense of empowerment. Final Thoughts: Empowering Yourself to Make the Right Decisions for You Whether you pursue a new romantic relationship or choose to remain single, healing and wholeness come from within, not from another person. Remember that you are already worthy, complete, and deserving of love--whether from a partner, friends, family, or a community support system (not to mention, from yourself). Begin to seek out and enjoy love and support in its many possible forms, which may or may not include a new romantic relationship. One of the most difficult effects of many abusive relationships is that they limit survivors from the freedom to make their own choices safely. Healing often means reclaiming our right to decide for ourselves what’s best for our lives moving forward. Whether that means building a new romantic relationship, choosing to stay single, or remaining open to either path, trust that you are the best person to make those decisions. You deserve relationships (or no relationships) that honor your safety, your peace, and your dreams for your life. You are worthy of a future that feels safe, free, and filled with the love, joy, and respect you deserve--in whatever forms they take for you. Note from the blogger: Today’s post has been adapted from three posts I wrote previously as part of the See the Triumph Collection: Safe & Healthy Relationships Following Abuse: (1) Safe, Healthy Relationships Are Possible After Abuse, (2) Abstaining from Relationships Following Abuse, and (3) Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely. By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time. |
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