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By Christine Murray
Entering into a new intimate relationship after leaving an abusive one can be both exciting and overwhelming. Survivors of abuse often face a mix of hope for something new and fears about repeating past patterns. The lingering impact of past trauma may lead to trust issues, self-doubt, and the need for heightened caution. While the desire for love and connection remains strong, it’s important to approach new relationships with care, intentionality, and patience. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time, and part of that healing involves learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone new--if and when a new relationship is of interest to you. Going slow is a key part of this process. A healthy relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself time to assess whether the new person in your life truly respects your boundaries, values your well-being, and is worthy of your trust. Here are some important tips to keep in mind as you navigate this journey of building a healthy relationship after experiencing abuse: 1. Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person Healthy relationships take time to establish. In the beginning stages of a new relationship, it's common for people to put their best selves forward. This is a natural part of dating, but it means that it may take time before you see the person's true character. Going slow gives you space to observe how they handle stress, conflict, or difficult emotions—all of which can be key indicators of their potential for a healthy long-term relationship with you. Start by focusing on casual, lighthearted topics. You can ask open-ended questions that allow you to get to know the other person’s interests and values, such as:
Over time, as you feel more comfortable, you can gradually move toward more personal and deeper topics. This approach allows you to build trust at a pace that feels safe for you, without feeling rushed or pressured. 2. Pay Attention to Red Flags and Trust Your Instincts After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often develop heightened intuition about red flags that could signal unhealthy dynamics. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If the new person in your life starts diving too quickly into deeply personal topics, it’s important to slow things down. If they push for details you’re not ready to share, remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I’d prefer to wait before we talk about that,” or give a brief, general answer if you’re not ready to open up fully. A respectful partner will understand and honor your boundaries. Additionally, be cautious if someone tries to control the pace of the relationship or makes you feel guilty for not moving faster. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and patience, not pressure or coercion. Pay attention to how they respond to your need for space. If they become frustrated or dismissive, it could be a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being. 3. Test the Waters to See if They Are Worthy of Your Trust When beginning a new relationship, it’s natural to want to share parts of yourself with the other person, but it’s helpful to start with smaller “tests” of trust. Share some personal information that feels comfortable—maybe a past experience or a lighter aspect of your life—and observe how they respond. Do they handle your vulnerability with care? Do they respect your privacy and keep your information to themselves? If you find out that they’ve shared your personal details with others without your consent, that’s a serious red flag. Trust is earned over time, and a partner who respects your boundaries and confidentiality is more likely to be someone you can trust with deeper parts of yourself as the relationship grows. 4. Check In With Yourself Regularly Building a new relationship is not just about learning who the other person is; it’s also about staying in tune with your own feelings and boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to assess how you feel about the pace of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable with how things are progressing? Or do you feel like it’s moving too fast or too slow for your liking? If you notice that the relationship is moving at a pace that makes you uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Is the other person pushing for more than you’re ready to give? Are there external pressures influencing the speed of the relationship? It’s okay to take a step back, slow things down, or even take a break if needed. Your well-being and emotional safety should always come first. 5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly One of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is clear and open communication about boundaries. It’s healthy to set boundaries early on and be direct about what you’re comfortable with—whether it’s the pace of physical intimacy, the frequency of communication, or the level of emotional sharing. Emotionally mature partners will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries without hesitation. A good relationship is built on mutual respect, and this respect should extend to every aspect of your connection with each other. 6. Allow Yourself to Walk Away if Necessary Healing from an abusive relationship requires you to reclaim your sense of agency and power over your life. That includes allowing yourself to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t feel right. It can be difficult to end a relationship, even when there are signs of trouble, especially if you have developed some feelings of affection for the other person. You may feel pressure to make things work or worry about how hard it will be to find another relationship. But it’s important to remember that your safety and emotional health are the top priority. If a relationship is making you uncomfortable or bringing up red flags, it’s okay to step back or even walk away completely. Conclusion: Healing Takes Time, and So Does Building Healthy Relationships After surviving an abusive relationship, the path to healing—and finding love again—can feel uncertain and daunting. But it’s also an opportunity to build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and care. By moving slowly, setting clear boundaries, and trusting your instincts, you give yourself the space to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. As you move forward, remember that there’s no rush. Healing is not linear, and neither is the journey toward a new relationship. Take your time, listen to your inner voice, and be kind to yourself. The right relationship will honor your pace, respect your boundaries, and support your ongoing healing journey.
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By Christine Murray
As Thanksgiving week is here in the United States, the holiday season is officially upon us. While this time of year can bring joy and celebration, for survivors of abusive relationships, it can also stir up complicated emotions. The pressures and expectations of the holidays—often focused on family and togetherness—can sometimes heighten feelings of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness, especially if parts of your life aren’t where you wish them to be. The holiday season can also simply be overwhelming, whether or not people have any experiences of abuse. The busyness of events, gatherings, and tasks on our calendars can make it difficult to find moments of peace and calm. For some of us, this time of year may even bring back painful memories of abuse that happened around the holidays, which can make navigating this season especially challenging. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many survivors find the holidays to be emotionally complex, and it’s important to recognize that there are steps you can take to care for yourself during this time. Here are six strategies that may help: 1. Prioritize Self-Care It’s easy for self-care to fall by the wayside when life gets busy, especially during the holiday season. While you may not have as much time as usual, it’s still important to make space for small moments of self-care. This could be as simple as taking a short walk, doing some light stretching, journaling, or simply setting aside a little time to relax. If possible, try to focus on the basics—like getting enough sleep, nourishing your body, and finding ways to manage stress. Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in helping you feel more grounded during this hectic time. 2. Set and Honor Boundaries The holiday season often comes with many invitations, obligations, and expectations. It’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations to events that don’t feel right for you, and it’s equally okay to set limits on interactions with others. Whether it’s deciding how long to stay at a gathering or setting boundaries around what topics you’re comfortable discussing, allow yourself to protect your emotional well-being. Honor your needs, and be proactive in communicating those boundaries to others. 3. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions The holidays can bring up a wide range of emotions, from grief and loss to frustration and exhaustion. It’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them. As a survivor, you may have been made to feel that your emotions weren’t valid during your abusive relationship. Now, it’s time to honor your feelings and give yourself space to experience them. Checking in with yourself throughout the day can help—ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you might need to process those emotions in a healthy way. 4. Recognize and Navigate Triggers For some survivors, the holiday season may bring up memories or experiences that are tied to past abuse. Whether it’s a specific event or a particular holiday tradition that’s connected to painful memories, recognizing potential triggers can help you prepare for and manage them. If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered, remind yourself that it’s okay to take steps to protect your peace. Consider reading our previous blog post on navigating triggers for more guidance on how to cope. 5. Create New Traditions If old holiday traditions are connected to difficult memories, or if your life has changed due to ending an abusive relationship, it may be time to create new traditions that feel more aligned with your healing journey. These new traditions could involve spending time with supportive friends or family members or even carving out moments of solitude for yourself. Whether it’s visiting a favorite coffee shop for a quiet reflection or spending time doing something that brings you peace, focus on building new traditions that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. 6. Let the Holidays Be What They Need to Be for You Finally, permit yourself to let the holidays unfold in whatever way feels right for you this year. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to celebrate. Maybe this is a year where you keep things minimal, or perhaps it’s a year where you decide to do something completely different. It’s okay to acknowledge that you might not feel joyful or festive, and that’s perfectly understandable. Healing and reclaiming your sense of self during the holidays is a process, and it’s important to give yourself grace and patience as you navigate this season. Conclusion The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or memories during this time, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Take care of yourself, set boundaries that protect your well-being, seek help and support as needed, and let the holidays be what they need to be for you this year. Above all, be kind to yourself as you navigate this season. By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is often a challenging and complex journey. Survivors of intimate partner violence may face numerous obstacles that can make the healing process difficult. The aftermath of abuse can leave emotional scars, and the path to recovery is not always straightforward. Yet, despite these difficulties, healing is not only possible—it is within reach for every survivor. One of the reasons that healing from abuse is difficult is the many ways that the trauma of abuse can impact survivors’ lives. Survivors may have difficulty trusting others after someone so close to them has hurt them. They may also face ongoing emotional and psychological challenges such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Another reason healing is difficult is because of the isolating nature of abuse. Abusers often use tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and control to isolate victims from friends, family members, and other support networks. This isolation can make it hard for survivors to seek help or feel understood by others. Additionally, survivors may experience feelings of shame and guilt, believing that they are to blame for the abuse (especially if their abusers placed blame on them) or that they should have left sooner. Financial dependence on an abuser can also complicate the healing process. Many survivors face economic barriers that make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship or to feel financially secure after leaving. Financial instability can also become a barrier to accessing resources such as therapy, legal assistance, and food and housing. Despite these common challenges, it is important to remember that healing from abuse is possible. Every survivor possesses the strength and resilience to overcome the impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives. While the journey may be tough, there is hope, and there are pathways to recovery. At The Source for Survivors, we aim to empower survivors along their healing journey. One way we do this is through our Pathway for Survivors Model, which provides a framework for understanding the process of recovering from past abuse. This model is built around the following 6 Commitments for Survivors: 1. Commitment to Being Intentional While time alone may heal some wounds, the most powerful approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. 2. Commitment to Safety We all deserve to be physically and emotionally safe in all aspects of our lives. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways to promote your emotional safety during your healing process include building coping strategies, moving at a comfortable pace, and taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. 3. Commitment to a Long-Range Perspective Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate short-term successes while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. Know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. 4. Commitment to Taking Deliberate Steps Forward At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. You don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing you’d like to work toward, and develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas—perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! The steps you might take could include seeking professional support, getting plenty of rest, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. 5. Commitment to Regular Reflection Because the healing journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection to create time to ponder what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by professionals, such as a counselor or your trusted friends or family members) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. 6. Commitment to Giving Back (But Only If You Want To!) Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. There are many ways to do this if you’re interested in giving back as part of your healing journey, such as by helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Healing from abuse is undoubtedly a difficult journey, but it is one that survivors do not have to walk alone. By committing to these 6 Commitments for Survivors, survivors can find a pathway to recovery rooted in intention, safety, long-term perspective, deliberate action, reflection, and community support. In conclusion, while the path to healing from abuse is filled with challenges, it is also filled with possibilities. Every step taken towards recovery is a testament to each survivor's strength and resilience. At The Source for Survivors, we are here to offer support and guidance to survivors on this journey. Remember, healing is possible, and a brighter, healthier future awaits you. By Christine Murray
Over the past year, I’ve been fortunate to take two dedicated retreats that offered time for reflection, rest, and restoration. While both experiences were unique, they highlighted the profound healing opportunities that can occur when we intentionally create space for retreats in our lives. Though these two retreats took place at formal retreat centers, I also believe that we can create personal retreat experiences, even from the comfort of our own homes. The Cambridge Dictionary defines a retreat as “a period of time used to pray and study quietly, or to think carefully, away from normal activities and duties.” This definition resonates with me because it reflects the intentionality that makes a retreat so powerful, whether it's in a formal setting or something you create for yourself at home. In this blog post, I’ll share a bit about my two recent personal retreat experiences, along with reflections on the potential benefits of retreats for survivors of abusive relationships. I’ll also offer some ideas for creating your own retreat—whether through an organized experience or simply dedicating time and space at home. My Retreat Experiences My first retreat was a personal, individual stay at a retreat center that was gifted to me during my recent career transitions. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was navigating the stress and busyness of my job changes on top of my normal day-to-day responsibilities, and this retreat allowed me to hit pause and reset. I was nervous about going alone to a spiritual retreat center, but I quickly realized how much I needed the time away. During that first retreat, I mapped out a personal plan for activities like journaling, creating a vision board, and reading. I balanced these reflective exercises with moments of rest, naps, and walks in nature. The retreat center provided options for both community and solitude, offering separate spaces for silence or connection. During my stay at the retreat center, I followed my intuition about what I needed most at any given moment, which helped me to find rest and clarity in the quiet moments. My second retreat was a more structured, group- and faith-based experience. This women's retreat offered the opportunity to reflect deeply on my life and overall healing journey. While this retreat was not specifically designed for survivors, the sense of community and support provided a safe space to explore my personal trauma history and gain new insights into my healing process. In the past, I’ve also created more informal retreat-like experiences for myself at home. This often involved setting aside a dedicated time (e.g., an afternoon, a whole day, or a weekend) and focusing on self-reflection, rest, and specific intentional activities for healing, such as journaling. Being at home meant that distractions were more likely to come up, but I did get a lot of benefits from setting aside those times as personal retreats to help me practice self-care and focus on healing. The Power of Retreats for Survivors Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own experience, retreats can be a powerful tool in the healing process for survivors of abuse. Here are a few potential benefits:
Creating Your Own Retreat Experience If the idea of a retreat appeals to you, consider creating your own retreat space, whether through a formal or personally planned retreat. Here are a few suggestions:
Conclusion Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own personal retreat space at home, the act of stepping away from daily routines to focus on your healing can be incredibly powerful. As survivors, it's important to give ourselves permission to rest, reflect, and heal at our own pace. Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to retreats, and what matters most is that it feels right for you. If the idea of a retreat resonates with you, I invite you to explore what this might look like in your own life—whether it's a weekend away at a retreat center, a day set aside in your home, or even brief moments of quiet reflection built into your daily routine. Each experience can offer meaningful insights and opportunities for growth, helping you continue on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
A couple of weeks back in the Pathway for Survivors Blog, I wrote a post called, “Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser.” In that post, I shared some ways survivors can mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially prepare for times when they can’t avoid interacting with their abusers. Facing an interaction with your abuser is just one of many potentially emotionally challenging situations that survivors may encounter along their healing journeys. A few other examples might include facing a court date, moments of loneliness and isolation, stressful parenting situations, financial difficulties, and life changes like moving or starting a new job. In addition to general emotional regulation strategies that are helpful to build along the healing journey, it also can be valuable to develop our own quick “reset buttons” or quick tools you can use to process your reactions to them immediately following the interaction. These "emotional reset buttons" are essentially tools that allow you to process your immediate reactions to a difficult interaction or experience, so you can re-center yourself and move forward with your day. While these resets aren’t designed to fully address or heal the emotions tied to the event—that deeper work often requires time and reflection—they can be a powerful way to help you recover in the moment. A reset can prevent an emotionally challenging experience from overshadowing the rest of your day. So, what might these emotional resets look like? Here are a few examples:
Whether it’s an interaction with a former abuser, a tough conversation with another negative person in your life, or any other emotionally challenging situation, developing these reset tools can be a crucial part of your healing journey. They serve as immediate, actionable ways to re-center yourself and regain a sense of control after being emotionally impacted by an event. While these resets may not address all the deeper emotions tied to the situation, they do help create space for peace and clarity. Later, you can return to more in-depth processing if needed. In the meantime, these small actions can help protect your emotional well-being in the moment, allowing you to move forward with your day rather than being derailed by painful or triggering experiences. Ultimately, healing is a complex, non-linear journey. By incorporating emotional resets into your toolkit, you give yourself the gift of compassion and self-care, allowing you to navigate emotionally intense challenges with greater ease. By Christine Murray
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), and throughout this month, you may notice survivors sharing their experiences in news stories and community events. This increased visibility can raise important awareness about abusive relationships, but if you are a survivor, you may find yourself wondering if sharing your story or otherwise getting involved in awareness activities is something you need to do as part of your healing journey. At The Source for Survivors, we recognize “Giving Back” as the 6th Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework. However, it’s important to note that giving back, especially by publicly sharing your story, always should be optional for survivors. Here’s why: The Importance of Choice While it’s incredibly valuable when people support survivors and raise awareness about domestic violence, it’s equally important that survivors feel empowered to make their own choices about whether and how they engage with these efforts. For many of us working in this field, including myself, DVAM holds special significance because of the increased attention it brings to this topic that’s so important to me. It’s often a busy time for those of us working in this field, as many community events and initiatives take place to promote awareness. But with that said, I firmly believe that the burden of raising awareness should never fall on survivors unless they want to be part of these efforts. Personally, I spent many years working in the domestic violence field before I ever publicly disclosed my identity as a survivor. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to share this for a long time—and more importantly, for a long time, I didn’t yet feel safe to be public about my experiences for a variety of reasons. The Pressures and Complex Emotions of Sharing Before I shared my experiences publicly, I remember times when I would sit in meetings or work on awareness events and feel a mixture of guilt and pressure. I knew I had every right to keep my story private, but I couldn’t help but admire those who shared their stories so bravely and openly. I often wondered what it meant that I hadn’t done the same. Looking back now, I feel compassion for myself and other survivors facing similar questions. I wanted to share my identity as a survivor, but I wasn’t ready. And I wish I had known then what I know now: That not being ready, or even had I never taken the steps to share my story publicly, did not invalidate my experiences as a survivor. The reality is that our stories and identities as survivors remain valid whether we share them or not. The Role of Safety in Sharing For survivors considering whether to share their stories or publicly identify as a survivor, one of the most important factors to consider is safety. Domestic violence often involves complex and ongoing threats to survivors’ physical and emotional well-being. For some survivors, sharing their stories publicly can increase these risks, whether from stalking, harassment, or other forms of retaliation. In addition to physical safety, emotional safety is just as important. For many survivors, sharing our stories too soon or at all can be triggering, even if we’ve made significant progress in our healing journeys. It’s also worth considering the emotional toll of hearing others' traumatic stories, which can happen when people reach out after hearing yours. Family and Emotional Considerations Other factors, such as family dynamics, may also affect a survivor’s decision to share. For example, if you have children, you might not feel comfortable discussing your identity as a survivor, especially if the abuser was the other parent. The potential emotional burden of sharing also can be significant, and survivors may not want to subject themselves to the judgment or stigma that sometimes still exists, even from those closest to them. It's important to understand that deciding not to share your story doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Your healing is yours alone to navigate, and no one should pressure you to make your story public or get involved in other “giving back” efforts unless you’re certain this is right for you. The Potential Rewards of Sharing Of course, for some survivors, sharing their stories and supporting survivors in other ways can be a deeply meaningful way to give back and make sense of their experiences. Publicly visible examples of survivors can help others, raise awareness, and contribute to changing harmful societal beliefs about abusive relationships. Hearing from someone who has lived through abuse can be more powerful than hearing statistics or expert commentary. Survivors who are ready and feel safe to share their stories can make an enormous impact, helping to spark important conversations that may one day lead to the prevention of violence and abuse. Giving Back in Other Ways If you’re a survivor who feels called to give back but doesn’t want to do so in a public forum, there are many other ways to contribute. Consider volunteering your time at a local domestic violence awareness event or making a donation to a domestic violence agency in your area. Even sharing a social media post that raises awareness about local resources or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can have a huge impact. It’s important to note that giving back, in any form, is always your choice. And it’s okay if you never engage in any formal giving-back efforts related to domestic violence. Your passions and the ways you make a difference in the world may take many forms—whether through environmental advocacy, supporting animal rights, addressing local community needs, or simply being a kind and supportive presence for your loved ones. Your Healing Journey, Your Choice As this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I invite you to reflect on whether and how giving back might be part of your healing journey. Whether that includes sharing your story, supporting local causes, or focusing entirely on your own healing and well-being, remember that your journey is yours alone. You have the power to decide what feels right for you now and in the future. Whatever you choose, know that your experiences are valid, and you deserve to release yourself from any pressure to give back in ways that don’t feel right for you. Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser10/22/2024 By Christine Murray
Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to see or interact with your abuser again? For some survivors, this is possible, and going no-contact is often recommended in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. However, for many survivors, going completely no-contact is simply not possible. For example, survivors may share custody of children with their abuser. Or, they may live in a small community where avoiding someone can be difficult, if not impossible. It’s also possible that survivors may face interactions with their abusers, such as if they share mutual friends or have some interactions due to work responsibilities. And, even when survivors do all they can to avoid interacting with their abusers, many abusers are quite persistent in trying to stay in communication and may reach out via phone, text, email, and other means. (Of course, if you are facing ongoing safety risks due to stalking, harassment, and other ongoing forms of abuse, consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and assistance with developing a safety plan.) If you are in a position where you are likely to face in-person or other interactions with your abuser, this can be a very frustrating and distressing position to be in. It may not be possible to avoid all the distress that can come with interacting with your abuser. However, it is possible to take steps to prepare yourself for this interaction to help buffer yourself and promote your emotional well-being, even amid this potentially distressing situation. You can help yourself set and maintain boundaries to prepare in advance when you are heading into an interaction with your abuser. Of course, sometimes encounters with the other person will take you by surprise, so you may not always be able to prepare in advance for interactions with your abuser. However, there are likely many times you’ll be dealing with them that you know that interaction is coming. Practice the following advanced preparation strategies to determine which ones work well for you. Mental preparations are important when anticipating an encounter with your former abuser. Consider starting by setting an intention or reciting a positive affirmation to establish a constructive mindset before the interaction. It can also be helpful to rehearse any key points you want to communicate, thinking through how to express them respectfully and clearly. This mental rehearsal can include preparing for how you might respond if the other person treats you with disrespect or reverts to abusive words or actions. By mentally equipping yourself with these strategies, you can enter the interaction with greater confidence and clarity. Physical preparations are also important, as your body’s response to stress can significantly impact how you handle the situation. Taking deep, calming breaths can help center you, reducing anxiety and grounding you in the moment. Engaging in a quick burst of physical exercise, such as a brisk walk or a few jumping jacks, can also help to release nervous energy and calm your mind and body. These physical preparations not only help you manage immediate stress but also empower you to approach the interaction with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor. Emotional preparations include giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise before, during, and after the interaction. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and to focus on regulating them as best as you can. By practicing emotional regulation, you increase your ability to maintain composure, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively to any harmful words or actions that your abuser uses. This self-awareness and emotional preparation can help you navigate the interaction with greater resilience and self-compassion. Lastly, social preparations can provide an additional layer of support. If possible, consider involving a trusted person, such as a friend or family member, who can accompany you during the interaction. Their presence can offer reassurance and provide a buffer against the toxicity of any negative interactions. Alternatively, you might arrange to have a support person “on call,” ready to talk to you afterward if you need to process your emotions or seek comfort. This social support can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated and more grounded during and after the encounter. Once you’ve reviewed the above ideas to prepare in advance for encounters with your abuser, brainstorm other ideas that could work well for you. Also, if you do face distress during or after the interaction, consider ways that you can process your reactions and emotions in a healthy, self-supportive manner. This is also a topic that I’ll plan to cover in an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post, so stay tuned for more information on that. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to review the information I shared in my previous post on the topic of Emotional Regulation. By Christine Murray
Progress can be painful. Along the journey of healing from an abusive relationship, as we strive forward toward brighter days ahead, sometimes we may find that even positive steps forward can feel uncomfortable and, at times, downright awful. Moving through past hurts and building new positive habits, goals, and behaviors can be very challenging, even when we know we are moving forward into a positive new chapter of our lives. This discomfort can come up for many reasons:
In some ways, it can feel unfair that so many painful feelings and emotions can come along with making positive changes, especially when we are being intentional about healing the trauma and hurts involved in past abuse. Shouldn’t life just reward us by making the healing process easy, especially after all we’ve been through? It’s natural to indulge questions like this at times, although spending a lot of time on them might not help us too much when it comes to navigating the realities of the healing journey. Whether fair or not, going through discomfort and painful feelings is a natural part of the healing process for many survivors, and it may even be a sign of our growth and progress. I’ll share a recent example from my own life to help illustrate how progress can sometimes bring painful feelings along for the ride. Several months back, I had to set a boundary and (at least temporarily) cut off contact with someone who had been a close friend of mine for a long time. I knew this friend was going through some personal challenges, but they were acting toward me in ways that were hurtful, stress-inducing, and not respectful of some boundaries I had asked them to honor. Over time, I realized their actions were taking a toll on me, so I let them know I would not be able to be in communication with them at that time. As I write this blog post, I’ve still kept the distance intact. On the one hand, I was so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic behaviors and setting a boundary. I know there have been times in my past when I would have allowed the negativity to continue, even if it was affecting me in unhealthy ways. It felt good to recognize the progress I’d made and know I took a big step toward prioritizing my peace. At the same time, setting this boundary with my friend was painful. I was sad to cut ties with someone that had meant a lot to me. Whether the cut ties will end up being temporary or permanent, I faced a lot of sadness and doubts as to whether I made the right decision. I knew I’d made a decision that reflected my growth and progress, but even knowing that didn’t make the decision less painful. Along our journeys toward healing and personal growth, we may face many situations that involve growing pains and seasons of discomfort. Feeling better often comes on the other side of painful emotions like this. We may even question if we’re making the right decisions or taking the right steps when we feel these kinds of growing pains. Here are a few practices that may help you navigate times when you find yourself grappling with painful byproducts of growth along your healing journey:
Remember, healing isn’t about avoiding discomfort but about acknowledging it as a sign of your incredible growth and resilience. Trust the process, and give yourself the grace you deserve as you continue to move forward. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can impact your mental and emotional health, leaving many survivors feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. The emotional roller coaster of the healing journey often spills over into other areas of our lives as survivors. Despite these challenges, there is hope. You can navigate these difficult experiences positively by taking good care of yourself, especially by building a diverse, effective toolkit of coping resources that work well for you. This blog post offers steps to help with exploring different coping strategies and other tools to support your healing journey. Assess the Toll on Your Well-Being. Start with an honest, self-compassionate reflection on the impact of the abusive relationship on your well-being. This kind of self-reflection is useful for identifying areas where intentional healing is needed, along with possible coping tools and strategies that might help you process your experiences and manage any distress you feel. Set, Communicate, and Maintain Boundaries. Abusive relationships often involve unhealthy boundaries, including chaotic, unclear, or overly rigid ones. Learning to define, establish, and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for promoting positive relationships and minimizing the negative impacts of abusive ones. Consider any boundaries you may want or need to put in place in any and all areas of your life to help you establish a sense of calm and self-direction. Acknowledge and Process Difficult Emotions. Abusive relationships can lead to complicated and challenging emotional consequences, such as anger, hurt, and ambivalence. Coping tools can help you explore difficult emotions and identify healthy ways to acknowledge and process them, which is often a key part of coping with and healing from an abusive relationship. Practice Self-Care and Self-Love. Abusive relationships often lead to neglecting self-care and self-love as you focus on navigating the harmful actions of the abuser. For many survivors, their abuser's actions may have affected their sense of self-worth. However, practicing self-care regularly is vital for both coping and recovery. Taking intentional steps to care for and love yourself is an important part of the healing process. Build and Prioritize Healthy Relationships. Healthy relationships can be a powerful source of support when healing from abusive ones. Abuse can erode your confidence in building and maintaining healthy relationships, and many abusers use isolation as a tactic for gaining power and control over their partners. By increasing your skills and knowledge about fostering positive relationships, you can enjoy many positive interactions and navigate difficult ones more effectively. Although strong relationship skills do not guarantee you can fully avoid unhealthy relationships, they can significantly enhance your ability to build and sustain healthy ones. My team and I have developed the Healthy Relationships Initiative, which I’ll link here as one possible resource for learning about healthy relationship skills and information: https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/. Conclusion Remember: Your own coping and healing journey is unique. It can take some time, practice, and experimenting with different coping strategies to figure out what tools will be most helpful to you, and the tools you need might varying different kinds of situations. There is no single "right" way to heal from an abusive relationship. Be intentional about addressing any thoughts or feelings that arise during your healing journey. Abusive relationships are tough, and the healing process can be equally challenging. Practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate your path to recovery. By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process. |
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