By Christine Murray
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), and throughout this month, you may notice survivors sharing their experiences in news stories and community events. This increased visibility can raise important awareness about abusive relationships, but if you are a survivor, you may find yourself wondering if sharing your story or otherwise getting involved in awareness activities is something you need to do as part of your healing journey. At The Source for Survivors, we recognize “Giving Back” as the 6th Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework. However, it’s important to note that giving back, especially by publicly sharing your story, always should be optional for survivors. Here’s why: The Importance of Choice While it’s incredibly valuable when people support survivors and raise awareness about domestic violence, it’s equally important that survivors feel empowered to make their own choices about whether and how they engage with these efforts. For many of us working in this field, including myself, DVAM holds special significance because of the increased attention it brings to this topic that’s so important to me. It’s often a busy time for those of us working in this field, as many community events and initiatives take place to promote awareness. But with that said, I firmly believe that the burden of raising awareness should never fall on survivors unless they want to be part of these efforts. Personally, I spent many years working in the domestic violence field before I ever publicly disclosed my identity as a survivor. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to share this for a long time—and more importantly, for a long time, I didn’t yet feel safe to be public about my experiences for a variety of reasons. The Pressures and Complex Emotions of Sharing Before I shared my experiences publicly, I remember times when I would sit in meetings or work on awareness events and feel a mixture of guilt and pressure. I knew I had every right to keep my story private, but I couldn’t help but admire those who shared their stories so bravely and openly. I often wondered what it meant that I hadn’t done the same. Looking back now, I feel compassion for myself and other survivors facing similar questions. I wanted to share my identity as a survivor, but I wasn’t ready. And I wish I had known then what I know now: That not being ready, or even had I never taken the steps to share my story publicly, did not invalidate my experiences as a survivor. The reality is that our stories and identities as survivors remain valid whether we share them or not. The Role of Safety in Sharing For survivors considering whether to share their stories or publicly identify as a survivor, one of the most important factors to consider is safety. Domestic violence often involves complex and ongoing threats to survivors’ physical and emotional well-being. For some survivors, sharing their stories publicly can increase these risks, whether from stalking, harassment, or other forms of retaliation. In addition to physical safety, emotional safety is just as important. For many survivors, sharing our stories too soon or at all can be triggering, even if we’ve made significant progress in our healing journeys. It’s also worth considering the emotional toll of hearing others' traumatic stories, which can happen when people reach out after hearing yours. Family and Emotional Considerations Other factors, such as family dynamics, may also affect a survivor’s decision to share. For example, if you have children, you might not feel comfortable discussing your identity as a survivor, especially if the abuser was the other parent. The potential emotional burden of sharing also can be significant, and survivors may not want to subject themselves to the judgment or stigma that sometimes still exists, even from those closest to them. It's important to understand that deciding not to share your story doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Your healing is yours alone to navigate, and no one should pressure you to make your story public or get involved in other “giving back” efforts unless you’re certain this is right for you. The Potential Rewards of Sharing Of course, for some survivors, sharing their stories and supporting survivors in other ways can be a deeply meaningful way to give back and make sense of their experiences. Publicly visible examples of survivors can help others, raise awareness, and contribute to changing harmful societal beliefs about abusive relationships. Hearing from someone who has lived through abuse can be more powerful than hearing statistics or expert commentary. Survivors who are ready and feel safe to share their stories can make an enormous impact, helping to spark important conversations that may one day lead to the prevention of violence and abuse. Giving Back in Other Ways If you’re a survivor who feels called to give back but doesn’t want to do so in a public forum, there are many other ways to contribute. Consider volunteering your time at a local domestic violence awareness event or making a donation to a domestic violence agency in your area. Even sharing a social media post that raises awareness about local resources or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can have a huge impact. It’s important to note that giving back, in any form, is always your choice. And it’s okay if you never engage in any formal giving-back efforts related to domestic violence. Your passions and the ways you make a difference in the world may take many forms—whether through environmental advocacy, supporting animal rights, addressing local community needs, or simply being a kind and supportive presence for your loved ones. Your Healing Journey, Your Choice As this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I invite you to reflect on whether and how giving back might be part of your healing journey. Whether that includes sharing your story, supporting local causes, or focusing entirely on your own healing and well-being, remember that your journey is yours alone. You have the power to decide what feels right for you now and in the future. Whatever you choose, know that your experiences are valid, and you deserve to release yourself from any pressure to give back in ways that don’t feel right for you.
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The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. By Christine Murray
The Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model offers a guiding framework that empowers individuals on their journey to recovery from abuse. This blog post introduces the application of this model to survivors who are on the journey of healing and recovering from past abuse. You can learn more about the overall model as it applies to both survivors and community supports for survivors here. In addition, the terminology of “Triumphing Over Abuse” draws upon my and my colleagues’ long-term research and social media work on the See the Triumph campaign, which I invite you to learn more about at www.seethetriumph.org. The Pathway for Survivors comprises six commitments, each playing a crucial role in empowering survivors on their unique journey. Let's explore each commitment and its significance in the healing process. As a reminder, the 6 commitments aren't intended to be interpreted as sequential steps that occur in a prescribed order. Instead, each commitment is typically ongoing, occurring simultaneously and evolving over the course of time. Understanding the Pathway for Survivors Here’s a quick snapshot of the Pathway for Survivors: The Pathway for Survivors: 6 Commitments for Triumphing Over Abuse
A Deeper Introduction to Each of the 6 Commitments for Survivors Below, you’ll find some additional, introductory information about each commitment. Over time, The Source for Survivors Blog on the Pathway for Survivors will share a lot more information about each Commitment as well! Commitment 1: Committing to being intentional with each step of your recovery journey. While time alone may heal some wounds, the most effective approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. Commitment 2: Committing to making your safety a top priority in all aspects of your life. You deserve to be and to feel physically and emotionally safe in all areas of life. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways you can promote your emotional safety during your healing process include (1) building your coping strategies, (2) moving at a pace that is comfortable for you, and (3) taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. Commitment 3: Committing to adopting a long-range perspective for your healing and growth. Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate your short-term successes, while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. You’re simply human, and you’ve lived through a harrowing, traumatic experience. No matter how far in the future new challenges may arise, know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. Commitment 4: Committing to taking deliberate steps forward, no matter how small, in the path to recovery. At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all of the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. Keep in mind that you don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing that you’d like to work toward, and begin to develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas - perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! It’s wise to prioritize and keep in mind that you don’t need to address every single area of life at once. The steps you may take could include seeking professional support, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. Don’t forget here that rest is an important part of your “action plan” as well! Commitment 5: Committing to regular reflection as a way to understand and celebrate your progress. Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. Commitment 6: Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery (but only if you want to!). This commitment is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse, just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. If and when you decide that helping others affected by abuse is something that you’d like to do, there are many ways to do this. This could include getting involved in local advocacy efforts, helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Conclusion Just as no two stories are alike, neither are the paths to healing. The six commitments we've explored may resonate with you in different ways and at different times. Take a moment to reflect on how these commitments align with your personal journey, and consider how they might shape your path ahead. Stay tuned for upcoming blog posts that delve deeper into each commitment, offering more tools for your empowering journey. |
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