 By Christine Murray It’s a common experience among survivors of abusive relationships to feel like they've lost touch with who they are. I've met many survivors who, upon breaking free from their abusive relationships, felt extremely disconnected from themselves. I can personally relate to this experience. While I was in my past abusive relationship, I felt like I completely lost sight of who I truly was. Abusive partners are often very controlling, including over their partners’ decisions. This control--added to the lingering effects of emotional and other forms of abuse--can lead to a loss of self-expression and self-awareness. This leaves survivors feeling like they no longer have a clear sense of their preferences and interests. Reconnecting with oneself is a common part of the healing journey for many survivors. Whether this process begins during the relationship or after it ends, it involves rediscovering our identity and rebuilding a positive relationship with ourselves. However, the process of reconnecting with ourselves can be challenging and may take time. If you've been feeling disconnected from yourself, it's okay to take things one step at a time. Set aside moments for quiet reflection, even if it's just a few minutes each day or an hour a week. Use this time to explore your thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or counselor can also be helpful in this process. Keep an open mind toward your reactions and preferences. Notice whether the things you like and do are a reflection of your genuine desires or if they were imposed upon you by your abuser. Sometimes, getting to know ourselves again involves unlearning some habits and patterns. Consider revisiting past interests or activities that once brought you joy, but that you’ve lost touch with. Reconnecting with your past interests can be a helpful way to rediscover aspects of yourself and reclaim your sense of identity and purpose. Also, embrace opportunities to try new things and explore different experiences. Experiment with trying new activities, foods, hobbies, adventures, and interests. You might discover aspects of yourself that you hadn't explored before, and perhaps you’ll even stumble into some new passions. During the self-reconnection process, be gentle with yourself. It's normal for difficult emotions or memories to come up as you reconnect with your true self. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing is a journey that you can take at your own pace. Ultimately, getting to know yourself again after an abusive relationship is a journey of self-discovery and growth. Embrace this opportunity to reconnect with your true self, explore new possibilities, and gain a deeper sense of self-awareness and empowerment along your healing pathway. 
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By Christine Murray Negative self-talk, a common experience for many, can significantly impact our mental well-being. Survivors of abusive relationships may find themselves particularly susceptible to negative self-talk due to experiences of criticism and manipulation with their abusers. Negative self-talk occurs when our mind cycles through negative thought processes directed toward ourselves. It’s important to build skills for recognizing and challenging negative self-talk. When left unchecked, these negative self-talk patterns can hinder our healing progress, as well as potentially contribute to a lower sense of self-worth and diminish our sense of hope for a brighter future. If you find yourself stuck in negative self-talk patterns, the steps below are one approach to identifying, challenging, and replacing negative self-talk with more positive self-talk. As you’ll see below, an important first step is to slow down our thinking patterns so we create space to notice when negative thinking patterns are taking over. Therefore, start by setting aside time for quiet reflection. Then, practice the steps below to practice this process. You’ll find an example of the process along with each step below. Step 1: Identify a negative belief or statement that you have made toward yourself. Consider writing this belief or statement down in a journal. (Example: Nobody likes me for who I am.) Step 2: Challenge the negative belief or statement by reflecting on the following questions:
(Example: I have been myself around my true friends, and they genuinely appreciate me. One of my friends recently told me how much they enjoy my sense of humor.) Step 3: Replace your negative self-talk with a more positive, accurate statement. (Example: It's unrealistic to think that everyone will like me. However, I can be myself with the people who really matter, and they will accept me for who I am.) Step 4: Identify and practice steps to reinforce the positive self-talk. (Example: I can repeat this statement any time I notice the negative one in my mind.) Repeat the process as often as needed until it becomes more natural and automatic. Of course, every survivor is different, so feel free to adapt the steps or use any other approach that seems more helpful to you! Remember, healing is a journey unique to each person. Be patient and kind to yourself as you challenge negative self-talk and work toward building a more positive inner dialogue.  By Christine Murray “I feel so foolish that I didn’t leave the relationship sooner.” “Why did it take me so long to recognize the abuse?” “Looking back, I see all the signs. I can’t believe I didn’t notice them sooner.” In my work with survivors of past abuse, I’ve heard many variations on the above statements. In truth, similar thoughts have run through my own mind along my own healing journey as well. If you feel any level of guilt, self-doubt, or confusion about how long it took you to recognize the abuse you faced, know that you’re not alone. Abusive relationship dynamics often don’t show up immediately in relationships, and often they begin in minor or subtle ways before growing into more troubling patterns over time. It can take a long time for people to realize that they are involved in an abusive relationship. It’s natural to feel down if it took time for you to realize the abusive dynamics of a relationship in your life. Practice self-compassion, and remember that many abusive relationship tactics are covert and may even be intentionally used to trick or deceive you. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing some of the many reasons why it can be really difficult to recognize an abusive relationship when you’re in it. By understanding these reasons--along with any other reasons and experiences that were unique to our own circumstances--we can move toward releasing judgment and approach our experiences with more self-empathy and understanding while healing from past abuse. You’re Invested in the Relationship: If a relationship becomes abusive, you may have a hard time recognizing it because of all of the investments of time, energy, and emotions you’ve made into that relationship. The commitments you’ve made to a relationship can understandably lead you to overlook or minimize the extent of its unsafe, abusive qualities. Your Abuser Is/Was a Skilled Manipulator: People who perpetrate abuse in their relationships often are quite skilled (intentionally or unintentionally) at manipulating others. They may try to overshadow their abusive behaviors by showering you with positive attention, gifts, or affection. They may overtly deny that their behaviors are hurtful. And they may deny any responsibility for their actions and tell you it’s all your fault. All in all, it can be difficult to recognize an abusive relationship because the abuser is intentionally, perhaps even systematically, acting in ways to try and hide their harmful ways. You May Have Blamed Yourself (Or Believed Your Abuser When They Wrongly Told You It Was Your Fault): People who are on the receiving end of abusers’ tactics may come to internalize the blame their abusers place upon them. They may start to blame themselves for the abuser’s actions based on things they said or did. For example, someone who is on the receiving end of their partner’s abusive behaviors might wonder, “Well, if I was making more time for my partner, maybe they would be more respectful toward me.” Keep in mind, however, that every person is always responsible for their own actions. You are never to blame for another person’s mistreatment of you. You Try and See the Best in Others: It’s a positive quality to be the kind of person who aims to see the best in others. Recognizing that all people have flaws, we all need to offer grace and patience toward others at times. That said, the positive quality of seeing the best in others can filter our perceptions if it leads us to overlook or excuse others’ harmful behaviors. You may have overlooked or excused your abuser’s actions because you believed them when they said they would change, or even just because you were trying to see the best in them. As you reflect on your own past experiences with an abusive relationship, be gentle with yourself and remember that hindsight is 20/20. It’s easier to see patterns and red flags from the past, and we can’t judge our past selves harshly if we didn’t recognize the extent of abuse we were facing at the time. Know that you’re not alone if you simply didn’t recognize the abuse for what it was when it was happening. In fact, this is a very natural and common experience, in light of all of the reasons above and other unique factors that are specific to each relationship. Continue to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on past experiences, and trust that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time.  |
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