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By Christine Murray
For survivors of abusive relationships, unfairness can feel like a harsh reality and a deeply personal experience. The injustice of abuse itself is undeniable—offering love, kindness, and support in a relationship only to be met with pain and harm is profoundly unfair. But beyond that, survivors often encounter additional layers of unfairness, both during the abusive relationship and throughout the healing journey. As someone who has navigated my own healing journey and worked closely with many survivors, I have seen how this sense of unfairness can be overwhelming. It’s not just about what happened in the past—it’s about the lingering consequences that often don’t seem to impact the abuser in the same way. Recognizing and processing these feelings is an important part of healing for many survivors. In this post, we’ll explore some of the common injustices survivors face and strategies for managing the emotions that arise from them. Recognizing the Many Forms of Unfairness There are countless ways that unfairness manifests in the context of current or former abusive relationships. Here are some of the most common:
Processing and Managing the Emotions That Come with Unfairness Acknowledging any injustices you have faced is an important step in the healing process. Ignoring or suppressing these experiences and associated feelings can create barriers to healing. Below are some potentially helpful strategies to process and move forward: 1. Validate Your Feelings and Experiences It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened was not fair. You don’t have to downplay your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. Permit yourself to say, “This was unjust, and I deserved better.” Having supportive people who affirm your experiences—whether trusted friends, family members, or a counselor—can be incredibly healing. Affirmations can also help reinforce self-validation:
2. Allow Yourself to Fully Process Your Emotions Unfairness can stir up intense emotions—anger, sadness, disbelief, and even rage. These feelings are valid, and working through them is essential. Find safe ways to process your emotions, such as:
If you’d like to explore more about navigating the emotional roller coaster of healing, check out our past blog post on this topic. 3. Channel the Unfairness into Positive Action While you may not be able to change what happened to you, you might consider channeling your frustrations about the unfairness into positive action. Many survivors find empowerment by:
That said, always ensure that giving back doesn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. If advocacy or helping others becomes overwhelming or triggering, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your healing. 4. Seek Lessons and Empowering Decisions While no one should have to “learn” from an unjust experience, seeking lessons can sometimes be a way to regain a sense of control. For example:
Seeking lessons isn’t about minimizing the pain of what happened—it’s about reclaiming your power and creating a future that feels safer and more aligned with your needs. Moving Forward with Strength and Self-Compassion Survivors of abuse often carry heavy burdens of injustice. While we can’t always change what happened, we can choose how we process and respond to it. Healing is about finding ways to acknowledge what was unfair, give ourselves grace in the process, and take steps toward a life that feels more stable, empowered, and fulfilling. Remember, you are not alone. There is strength in facing these emotions and wisdom in seeking paths forward that honor your healing. You deserve fairness, justice, and peace, even if the journey toward them feels long. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from yourself and from those who truly support you. If you need support, consider reaching out to a counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones. Healing is possible, and you deserve to move forward in a way that brings you peace.
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By Christine Murray
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s likely you are no stranger to the experience of having your personal boundaries violated. Because abusers are so focused on gaining power and control over their partners, they typically have little regard for honoring and respecting their victims’ boundaries. For this reason, many survivors find that a key challenge in healing from an abusive relationship is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different areas of their lives. This may include navigating interactions with a former abuser, especially in cases of shared custody. However, the need to set and maintain healthy boundaries can show up in other relationships during the healing process as well. This might include with friends and family members, in the workplace, and in new romantic relationships if and when you’re ready to start dating again. If you’re interested in a quick overview of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, I invite you to check out this YouTube video developed through the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I coordinate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A_4GCAozVk. It’s just a couple of minutes long, but it’s proven to be a popular resource for learning some simple tips about healthy boundaries in relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is an important step toward fostering healthy relationships in our lives, but it’s not always easy. Effective verbal and nonverbal communication strategies are important for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Once we begin to become clearer about how we want our boundaries to look and feel in our relationships, we need to intentionally communicate those wishes to others. This is especially true if we have been allowing unhealthy boundaries and other dynamics to exist without addressing any concerns previously. For many people, communicating directly about relationship boundaries can be quite uncomfortable. It may feel demanding or uncomfortable to be speaking so directly about our own needs in relationships. Therefore, it is important to reflect on communication strategies that feel as comfortable as possible to you and that reflect your preferred language and communication style. This includes both verbal (i.e., speaking directly with the other person using words) and nonverbal (i.e., your body language, as well as unspoken actions like not answering the phone if someone calls you later than you’ve asked them to stop calling) communication strategies. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries to others, it’s important to stay alert and be proactive about addressing any potential boundary violations that may occur. When another person violates your boundaries, this can give rise to a lot of powerful emotions and thoughts. It is important to take time to process these responses so that you can take care of yourself while also figuring out the healthiest possible way to respond and move forward. Below, you will find a series of questions that you can use to process your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in the aftermath of a boundary violation. For now, think of one recent example of a boundary violation you faced, and answer the questions. You can return to the same set of questions to help process any future boundary violations you may face as well.
Overall, clear, healthy boundaries are so critical for the overall health of our relationships. Most likely, if you have faced an abusive relationship, you know the pain and drama that can arise when another person violates your boundaries, as well as how difficult it can be to set and maintain a healthy boundary with a difficult person. It can take time to learn effective strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different relationships in our lives. Remember, you are worthy of safe, healthy relationships. With time, you can continue developing the skills and tools needed to nurture them on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Counseling can offer many potential benefits for survivors of abusive relationships. For example, counseling can help survivors process their memories and experiences, learn coping skills, gain a sense of understanding and validation, and work through related challenges and impacts of the abusive relationship on many areas of their lives. Unfortunately, however, many survivors find it difficult to find a counselor who has the right training, experience, and understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships. I’ve worked in the counseling field for over two decades now, and I believe that the mental health professions in general have come a long way over the past couple of decades in terms of growing in recognition of the impact of traumatic experiences. At the same time, I still think that few too many mental health professionals receive in-depth training in the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. Training on this topic is not often covered in depth in graduate school training programs, so many mental health professionals need to seek out this information and training as part of their continuing education throughout their careers, assuming they or their employers recognize the need for this training. There is a general shortage of mental health professionals in general in many communities across the U.S. and the world. In addition, there is often an especially limited number of specialized mental health professionals in communities who have the unique combination of training, experience, and deep understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships to equip them to work with survivors. Because counseling can be such a valuable source of support for many survivors, it’s important for survivors to be equipped with the information and tools to help them connect with mental health services when needed. Here in this post for The Source for Survivors, I hope to offer some encouragement and practical steps that survivors can take if they want to explore counseling as a potential source of support along their healing journey. First, remember that counseling isn’t the only possible source of healing, and it may not make sense for all survivors and at all points in your healing journey. I always think of counseling as one of many possible tools, strategies, and resources that can be valuable for survivors. I do believe counseling can be extremely valuable, and I’ve seen this through my work as a counselor and counseling professor, as well as in my own life and through my own experiences as a counseling client at different points in my healing journey. If you’re considering seeking out counseling, take time to reflect on whether this would be helpful to you now, what your hopes and goals would be for counseling, and what qualities you’d like to find in a prospective counselor. Second, be intentional about seeking out a qualified counselor who possesses the qualities that you’re looking for. I think it can be wise to “cast a wide net” in your search for the right counselor for you, right now. For example, seek personal recommendations from people (who you can trust) in your network. You might consider contacting the local or state-level agencies (e.g., a domestic violence victim service agency or statewide domestic violence coalition) in your area that serve victims of domestic violence and other forms of abusive relationships and asking them for a recommendation of which counselors they trust and refer their client to. You can also consider searching mental health professional databases, such as Psychology Today, and using the filters to hone in on the qualities and areas of expertise that you’re looking for. Third, empower yourself to ask questions and seek out information to help you decide if a particular counselor is the right fit for you. Previously, I wrote a blog post for our See the Triumph campaign that included questions that survivors can ask prospective counselors to learn about their experience and approach to working with clients who have had experiences in an abusive relationship. I invite you to check out that post to see the checklist we shared through See the Triumph, as this was always a popular post on the See the Triumph blog. It can take some time to find the right counselor for you, so know that you may need to consult with a few different professionals before you find the one that feels like the right fit. Fourth, seek out additional resources and information to help reduce barriers to accessing counseling and other mental health resources and supports. Financial barriers can be a huge issue for many survivors. If you lack insurance coverage and can’t access counseling for that reason, consider reaching out to domestic violence advocacy agencies and see if they have any low-cost mental health resources, or perhaps they are aware of funding sources to help survivors without insurance gain access to counseling. If you happen to live near a college or university that has mental health professional training programs (e.g., psychology, counseling, or marriage and family therapy), contact these departments to see if they offer a low-cost clinic for local community members. Another possible source of counseling could be through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through your employer. Finally, know that there are free, 24/7 resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Mental Health Lifeline. Although these crisis lines may not be able to offer long-term counseling, they can provide immediate support if you become overwhelmed and need some extra support, and they also may have referral resources to help you connect with additional sources of support. As a long-time counselor, I am a big fan of the potential growth and healing that can happen through counseling. At the same time, I know that finding the right counseling can be tricky. If you’re seeking counseling now or at some point in the future along your healing journey, be intentional in seeking out the right support - and remember that you are worthy of surrounding yourself with helpful supporters as you heal and grow. By Christine Murray
The stories of survivors of abusive relationships are so powerful. They can educate, inspire, and foster connection. For survivors of intimate partner violence, sharing one’s story can be a transformative experience—both personally and in its potential to impact others. However, sharing a personal story of surviving abuse is a deeply personal decision that comes with both opportunities and challenges. Taking time to reflect on this decision and plan thoughtfully can help ensure the process feels empowering and safe. The Power of Telling Your Story Many survivors find that expressing their experiences, whether privately or publicly, can play a significant role in their healing journey. Stories have the power to challenge stigma, educate others about the realities of abuse, and inspire those who are currently navigating difficult circumstances. They can help create a world where survivors feel seen, supported, and understood. However, deciding to share your story with others--whether publicly or privately--is a significant choice. While it can be empowering, it is also essential to consider potential risks and challenges. For example, sharing your story publicly may expose you to judgment, misunderstandings, or even safety concerns if your abuser remains a threat. It’s important to assess your emotional readiness, your support system, and any potential consequences before deciding to share your story. Equally valid is the potential decision not to share. Survivors have the right to protect their privacy and prioritize their safety. If you choose to share, the key is to do so on your terms, in ways that feel safe and meaningful to you. Different Ways to Share Your Story There is no single “right way” to share your story as a survivor of abuse. Each survivor’s journey is unique, and how you tell your story should reflect your comfort level, personal goals, and circumstances. Here are a few ways you might consider sharing:
Tips for Sharing Your Story Safely and Meaningfully Prioritize Your Safety: If there is any risk of retaliation or harm from your abuser, take steps to protect your safety. This may include using pseudonyms, sharing anonymously, or delaying your decision to share. Set Boundaries: Decide in advance what parts of your story you are comfortable sharing and what you prefer to keep private. You are in control of your narrative. Seek Support: Before and after sharing, connect with trusted individuals who can provide encouragement and understanding. Processing your feelings with a therapist or a support group can be especially helpful. Pace Yourself: Sharing your story can be emotionally taxing. Allow yourself time to process your emotions and take breaks if needed. Honoring the Stories of Survivors Every survivor’s story is unique, important, and worthy of being heard. Sharing your story—whether privately or publicly—can be an act of courage and resilience. There is power in our stories as survivors to heal, educate, and inspire. By honoring your story and sharing it in ways that feel right for you, you contribute to a world where survivors are seen, supported, and celebrated. Remember, the decision to share your story is entirely yours. Whether you choose to speak publicly, write privately, or simply hold your story in your heart, know that your story matters and your voice is powerful. Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from previous posts that I wrote for our See the Triumph campaign’s Collection: Every Survivor Has a Story. By Christine Murray
When breakups happen, especially after a long-term relationship, it’s common for friends and family to feel divided. Some people may choose sides, while others attempt to maintain connections with both parties. This is already complex in any breakup, but when the relationship was abusive, these dynamics become even more challenging. If you’re a survivor of an abusive relationship, navigating your emotions and relationships when people you care about remain connected to your abuser can feel overwhelming and confusing. It may leave you questioning who you can trust, how you can feel safe, and how to move forward. This post explores why these situations are so complicated, how to process your emotions, and steps you can take to set boundaries that prioritize your well-being during your healing journey, regardless of who stays in your corner. Why This Feels So Complicated Even in non-abusive breakups, seeing people stay connected to an ex can bring feelings of discomfort, sadness, or betrayal. These feelings are valid and understandable. However, when the relationship was abusive, the situation often carries additional layers of complexity. One reason is that when people remain connected to your abuser, it can feel as though your experiences are being invalidated. People you have cared about and trusted might say things like, “They don’t seem that bad,” or, “I could never picture them acting like that.” Abusers often present a charming and kind persona to others, which may lead some of your connections to doubt your experiences or unintentionally minimize your pain. Additionally, abusers may actively try to harm your reputation by spreading lies, manipulating mutual friends, or painting you in a negative light. This can lead to mutual connections unknowingly—or even knowingly—participating in the harm. They might pass along information to your abuser, make hurtful comments, or betray your trust. These dynamics can make it feel impossible to know who to trust and may even create safety concerns. It’s no wonder these situations can feel deeply personal and painful. What You Can Do If you’re facing this challenge, remember that you have the power to make decisions that prioritize your safety and well-being, and your own well-being can be your top priority as you consider whether and how to interact with other people. Here are some practical considerations to navigate these complex circumstances: 1. Empower Yourself to Make Decisions that Support Your Healing: It’s your right to decide who has access to your life, energy, and trust. You might consider filtering your relationships into categories like the following: Those you’ll keep, those you’ll limit, and those you’ll cut. 2. Prioritize Safety and Trust: Trust is earned, especially in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Take things slow with people you choose to keep in your life, sharing your concerns and setting boundaries. For example, you might say, “You may not see my ex the same way that I seem them, but I know what I experienced, and I need to make decisions for my safety and well-being.” If someone disregards your boundaries, it’s okay to step back. 3. Adjust Social Media Access: Social media can be a tool for maintaining or changing boundaries. Unfriend or block individuals if needed. You can also adjust your social media privacy settings to limit who can see your posts and updates. 4. Grieve Losses: It’s understandable to feel sadness over lost or more distant connections. Allow yourself time to grieve these changes as you move forward. 5. Be Cautious with Information Sharing: Limit what you share, especially with mutual connections. Be mindful of how and when you post online, as information can unintentionally make its way back to your abuser. Keep your safety and well-being at the top of your mind as you consider what to share and what to keep private. 6. Focus on Supportive Relationships: Pour your energy into connections that feel safe and uplifting. Especially if some relationships have fallen away, aim to build new, healthy, and supportive relationships that reflect the life you’re creating—one free from abuse. 7. Give It Time: The initial aftermath of a breakup can be volatile, but with time, other people who at first seem to gravitate toward your abuser may come to see the truth of your experience. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate these changes. Creating a New Life Navigating relationships with people connected to your abuser is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s an opportunity to refocus your energy on what truly matters: Your healing and growth. Each step you take to set boundaries, protect your well-being, and build supportive relationships brings you closer to healing and empowerment. As you move forward, remember that your worth is not defined by others’ choices or opinions. You are strong, capable, and deserving of connections that honor and respect your journey. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you can create a life and social support network that is filled with safety, trust, and joy. By Christine Murray
February is often thought of as the month of love, making it a meaningful time to reflect on relationships. For survivors who are interested in reentering the dating world after surviving an abusive relationship, the journey can be filled with mixed emotions—hope, excitement, and sometimes fear or uncertainty. This post is the first in a two-part mini-series leading up to Valentine's Day. Today, I’ll focus on survivors who are considering dating again, and next week, we’ll explore how dating partners can support someone with a history of abuse. Before diving in, it’s essential to note that dating isn’t a requirement for healing. Some survivors choose—temporarily or permanently—not to reenter the dating world, focusing instead on fostering connections and relationships with family, friends, and themselves. This decision is valid and deeply personal. If dating doesn’t feel right for you (now or ever), that’s okay. However, if you are considering dating, let’s consider how to approach this new chapter with care and confidence. 1. Are You Ready? There’s no universal timeline for knowing when you’re ready to date again. Some survivors find they need time to heal and rebuild their sense of self before exploring new connections. Others may feel ready sooner, especially if they’ve done significant emotional work during or after the abusive relationship. Ask yourself:
It’s important to reflect on your current emotional state and readiness. If self-doubt or unresolved pain arises, consider focusing on personal healing or seeking support before jumping into dating. 2. Define Your Approach Think about what dating might look like for you. Are you open to meeting someone organically—through work, community activities, or mutual friends? Or do you feel open to actively seeking a partner using dating apps or other intentional methods? Neither approach is necessarily better than the other; what matters is choosing what feels comfortable and safe for you. Be prepared for the potential of receiving well-meaning advice from friends or family about how to date, but remember: You’re in charge of how you approach dating. It’s okay to set boundaries and decide which suggestions resonate with you. 3. Build Your Support System Navigating the dating world is often easier with trusted friends or family members in your corner. Share your hopes and concerns with a few close, supportive people you trust, and invite them to provide feedback as you get to know potential partners. They can offer valuable perspectives, especially if you find yourself caught up in early romantic excitement. It’s also helpful to establish boundaries for yourself. Know what red flags you won’t tolerate and ensure you’re prepared to walk away from someone who doesn’t align with your vision of a healthy relationship. 4. Take It Slow As you reenter the dating scene, consider how much you want to share about your past experiences with abuse—and when. Your story is yours to tell, and you should only share it if and when you feel comfortable and safe. Early in a relationship, focus on getting to know the other person’s values, character, and communication style before diving into deeply personal topics. Remember, taking it slow applies to getting to know your date as well. Allow time to observe their behavior and ensure their actions align with their words. Building trust takes time, and there’s no need to rush. 5. Focus on Fun and Self-Discovery Dating after abuse can feel daunting, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and joy. Allow yourself to approach this experience with curiosity. Every date doesn’t need to lead to the outcome you’re hoping for, whether that’s a long-term relationship or even a more short-term connection. Instead, see dating as a chance to learn about yourself—your likes, dislikes, and non-negotiables—and to enjoy the process of meeting new people. Look for someone who makes you feel safe, supported, and excited. If the relationship doesn’t work out, remember that it’s part of the process. Keep moving forward toward the vision you have for your life and love. Final Thoughts Dating again after an abusive relationship is a deeply personal decision. Whether you’re taking your first steps back into the dating world or simply contemplating the idea, trust yourself to navigate this journey at your own pace. With time, patience, and a commitment to self-care, you can approach dating as an opportunity to further your healing, rediscover yourself, and embrace the possibility of a healthy, loving relationship. Take care of yourself, lean on your support system, and know that you’re worthy of the love and kindness you seek. By Christine Murray
Recently, my colleague and I, Eileen Martin, released our new book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing & Empowerment After Surviving an Abusive Relationship. This book had been on my heart to write for years before we actually started working on it over a year ago. Even if you never buy the book, you can check out the book’s website for an extensive list of resources related to financial empowerment for survivors: www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse. In today’s blog post, I want to share the reasons why the topic of financial recovery for survivors has been burning in my heart for so long that I just *had* to bring this book to life. There were two main lenses through which I learned about the powerful role that financial empowerment can play in survivors’ healing journeys. First, I saw this in my own personal healing journey, and second, I’ve seen repeatedly in my work as a counselor and advocate how closely survivors’ financial well-being is related to their overall healing and well-being. My Personal Journey Healing from my past abusive relationship has been an ongoing journey for many years. That relationship had a significant impact on my finances for many reasons. Beyond the financial strain, the psychological toll of financial abuse, gaslighting, and manipulation left me questioning my confidence and judgment in financial matters. I hadn’t received much formal education on personal finances in school, so when I began taking steps to rebuild my life, I felt like I was wandering in the dark at first. I dove headfirst into learning everything I could—reading books and magazines, listening to personal finance podcasts, and experimenting through trial and error. What started as a necessity quickly grew into a passion. As I learned more about how to manage money, I began to see clear connections between personal finance and the process of abuse recovery. Financial empowerment became not just a practical tool for stabilizing my life, but also a deeply personal source of healing. Setting goals, mapping out plans, and tracking my progress helped me regain a sense of control and confidence. Each small step—whether paying off debt, saving for my sons’ education, or investing for the future—felt like reclaiming a positive future for myself and my children. This personal journey taught me that financial empowerment isn’t just about numbers. It’s about freedom, choices, and the ability to create a life aligned with your values and dreams. Lessons from Working with Survivors As a counselor, researcher, and advocate, I’ve seen time and again how closely financial recovery is tied to overall healing for survivors of abuse. The writing of this book was inspired by seeing the financial challenges and triumphs of many fellow survivors, and the book aims to address some of the most pressing challenges survivors face in achieving financial independence and security. We wrote this book with three key messages in mind:
If you’re interested in learning more about financial empowerment and recovery for survivors, visit the resources compiled on our book’s website: www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse. Wherever you are in your journey, know that financial healing is possible. Every step you take toward financial empowerment—no matter how small—can be a step toward reclaiming your freedom, confidence, and sense of control over your life. Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from the Financial Abuse Recovery book. By Christine Murray
The effects of an abusive relationship often linger long after the relationship ends. One area where these effects can show up is in your inner dialogue—the way you talk to yourself. The messages you internalize during an abusive relationship can shape how you see yourself, your worth, and your ability to heal. Abusers often intentionally plant seeds of doubt and negativity, leading survivors to internalize negative, untrue beliefs about themselves For many survivors, negative self-talk becomes an unwelcome habit, and yet learning to monitor and transform your inner dialogue become a powerful tool along the healing journey. That’s why monitoring and working toward positive self-talk is a key part of the healing journey for survivors. Your inner dialogue has the power to influence your emotions, decisions, and overall well-being. With intention and practice, you can begin to reclaim your inner voice, transforming it into a source of encouragement and support. Below, we’ll explore how to become more aware of your self-talk patterns and take steps toward reshaping them to support your healing processes. Building Awareness of Your Self-Talk Transforming your inner self-talk begins with awareness. Start by dedicating a specific time frame to track your thoughts and emotions, especially those tied to the abusive relationship. Monitoring your self-talk even a short period of time, such as 24 to 48 hours, can provide valuable insights into your patterns without feeling overwhelming. During this time, consider keeping a written log of your thoughts and associated feelings. Whether you prefer a journal, a daily planner, or a simple piece of paper, choose a system that feels manageable for you. The goal is to create a place where you can keep track of what’s happening in your inner world without judgment or pressure to change things right away. Observing Without Judgment During the time frame when you’re tracking your inner dialogue, try setting regular check-ins. You might use reminders on your phone or a timer to pause every 30 to 60 minutes during the day to reflect on what’s been on your mind. At each check-in, write down the thoughts that have come up and the emotions accompanying them. Make note of any positive, negative, and neutral thoughts you recognize that reflect the way you’re talking to yourself. For now, focus on observing your inner dialogue, and release yourself from any pressure you may feel to change things right away. Give yourself permission to simply notice what your mind is telling you. Maybe you’ll uncover recurring doubts, fears, or self-criticisms that trace back to the abuse you faced. While it might be difficult to see these patterns at first, remember that awareness is a powerful first step toward change. Reflecting on Patterns Once your tracking period ends, take time to review what you’ve recorded. Ask yourself:
These reflections can help you identify where the effects of the abusive relationship are lingering in your self-talk and point to opportunities for growth and healing. You may also notice self-talk patterns that relate to other positive or negative life experiences you’ve had that aren’t directly related to your history of being in an abusive relationship. Remember that you can strive toward growth and healing in all areas of your life, not just directly related to your experiences in an abusive relationship. Embracing Change Becoming aware of your inner dialogue is empowering because it opens a door to positive change. With time and practice, you can work on shifting negative self-talk into more supportive and compassionate thoughts. Start small, focusing on moments when you can replace a negative thought with kindness or encouragement. Over time, these small shifts add up, helping you build a more positive and affirming relationship with yourself. Closing Thoughts Rewriting your inner dialogue is not an overnight process, but it is a very worthwhile one, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. The dialogue inside your head has the potential to be your greatest ally, cheering you on as you navigate your healing journey. By building greater self-awareness and intentionally choosing self-compassion over criticism, you’re taking bold steps toward reclaiming your sense of self-worth and building a future filled with hope, resilience, and self-love. The words you say to yourself matter. You deserve to hear kindness and encouragement—not just from others, but from within. Take the time to listen, reflect, and nurture your inner dialogue as you continue your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Entering into a new intimate relationship after leaving an abusive one can be both exciting and overwhelming. Survivors of abuse often face a mix of hope for something new and fears about repeating past patterns. The lingering impact of past trauma may lead to trust issues, self-doubt, and the need for heightened caution. While the desire for love and connection remains strong, it’s important to approach new relationships with care, intentionality, and patience. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time, and part of that healing involves learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone new--if and when a new relationship is of interest to you. Going slow is a key part of this process. A healthy relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself time to assess whether the new person in your life truly respects your boundaries, values your well-being, and is worthy of your trust. Here are some important tips to keep in mind as you navigate this journey of building a healthy relationship after experiencing abuse: 1. Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person Healthy relationships take time to establish. In the beginning stages of a new relationship, it's common for people to put their best selves forward. This is a natural part of dating, but it means that it may take time before you see the person's true character. Going slow gives you space to observe how they handle stress, conflict, or difficult emotions—all of which can be key indicators of their potential for a healthy long-term relationship with you. Start by focusing on casual, lighthearted topics. You can ask open-ended questions that allow you to get to know the other person’s interests and values, such as:
Over time, as you feel more comfortable, you can gradually move toward more personal and deeper topics. This approach allows you to build trust at a pace that feels safe for you, without feeling rushed or pressured. 2. Pay Attention to Red Flags and Trust Your Instincts After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often develop heightened intuition about red flags that could signal unhealthy dynamics. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If the new person in your life starts diving too quickly into deeply personal topics, it’s important to slow things down. If they push for details you’re not ready to share, remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I’d prefer to wait before we talk about that,” or give a brief, general answer if you’re not ready to open up fully. A respectful partner will understand and honor your boundaries. Additionally, be cautious if someone tries to control the pace of the relationship or makes you feel guilty for not moving faster. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and patience, not pressure or coercion. Pay attention to how they respond to your need for space. If they become frustrated or dismissive, it could be a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being. 3. Test the Waters to See if They Are Worthy of Your Trust When beginning a new relationship, it’s natural to want to share parts of yourself with the other person, but it’s helpful to start with smaller “tests” of trust. Share some personal information that feels comfortable—maybe a past experience or a lighter aspect of your life—and observe how they respond. Do they handle your vulnerability with care? Do they respect your privacy and keep your information to themselves? If you find out that they’ve shared your personal details with others without your consent, that’s a serious red flag. Trust is earned over time, and a partner who respects your boundaries and confidentiality is more likely to be someone you can trust with deeper parts of yourself as the relationship grows. 4. Check In With Yourself Regularly Building a new relationship is not just about learning who the other person is; it’s also about staying in tune with your own feelings and boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to assess how you feel about the pace of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable with how things are progressing? Or do you feel like it’s moving too fast or too slow for your liking? If you notice that the relationship is moving at a pace that makes you uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Is the other person pushing for more than you’re ready to give? Are there external pressures influencing the speed of the relationship? It’s okay to take a step back, slow things down, or even take a break if needed. Your well-being and emotional safety should always come first. 5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly One of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is clear and open communication about boundaries. It’s healthy to set boundaries early on and be direct about what you’re comfortable with—whether it’s the pace of physical intimacy, the frequency of communication, or the level of emotional sharing. Emotionally mature partners will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries without hesitation. A good relationship is built on mutual respect, and this respect should extend to every aspect of your connection with each other. 6. Allow Yourself to Walk Away if Necessary Healing from an abusive relationship requires you to reclaim your sense of agency and power over your life. That includes allowing yourself to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t feel right. It can be difficult to end a relationship, even when there are signs of trouble, especially if you have developed some feelings of affection for the other person. You may feel pressure to make things work or worry about how hard it will be to find another relationship. But it’s important to remember that your safety and emotional health are the top priority. If a relationship is making you uncomfortable or bringing up red flags, it’s okay to step back or even walk away completely. Conclusion: Healing Takes Time, and So Does Building Healthy Relationships After surviving an abusive relationship, the path to healing—and finding love again—can feel uncertain and daunting. But it’s also an opportunity to build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and care. By moving slowly, setting clear boundaries, and trusting your instincts, you give yourself the space to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. As you move forward, remember that there’s no rush. Healing is not linear, and neither is the journey toward a new relationship. Take your time, listen to your inner voice, and be kind to yourself. The right relationship will honor your pace, respect your boundaries, and support your ongoing healing journey. By Christine Murray
As Thanksgiving week is here in the United States, the holiday season is officially upon us. While this time of year can bring joy and celebration, for survivors of abusive relationships, it can also stir up complicated emotions. The pressures and expectations of the holidays—often focused on family and togetherness—can sometimes heighten feelings of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness, especially if parts of your life aren’t where you wish them to be. The holiday season can also simply be overwhelming, whether or not people have any experiences of abuse. The busyness of events, gatherings, and tasks on our calendars can make it difficult to find moments of peace and calm. For some of us, this time of year may even bring back painful memories of abuse that happened around the holidays, which can make navigating this season especially challenging. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many survivors find the holidays to be emotionally complex, and it’s important to recognize that there are steps you can take to care for yourself during this time. Here are six strategies that may help: 1. Prioritize Self-Care It’s easy for self-care to fall by the wayside when life gets busy, especially during the holiday season. While you may not have as much time as usual, it’s still important to make space for small moments of self-care. This could be as simple as taking a short walk, doing some light stretching, journaling, or simply setting aside a little time to relax. If possible, try to focus on the basics—like getting enough sleep, nourishing your body, and finding ways to manage stress. Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in helping you feel more grounded during this hectic time. 2. Set and Honor Boundaries The holiday season often comes with many invitations, obligations, and expectations. It’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations to events that don’t feel right for you, and it’s equally okay to set limits on interactions with others. Whether it’s deciding how long to stay at a gathering or setting boundaries around what topics you’re comfortable discussing, allow yourself to protect your emotional well-being. Honor your needs, and be proactive in communicating those boundaries to others. 3. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions The holidays can bring up a wide range of emotions, from grief and loss to frustration and exhaustion. It’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them. As a survivor, you may have been made to feel that your emotions weren’t valid during your abusive relationship. Now, it’s time to honor your feelings and give yourself space to experience them. Checking in with yourself throughout the day can help—ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you might need to process those emotions in a healthy way. 4. Recognize and Navigate Triggers For some survivors, the holiday season may bring up memories or experiences that are tied to past abuse. Whether it’s a specific event or a particular holiday tradition that’s connected to painful memories, recognizing potential triggers can help you prepare for and manage them. If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered, remind yourself that it’s okay to take steps to protect your peace. Consider reading our previous blog post on navigating triggers for more guidance on how to cope. 5. Create New Traditions If old holiday traditions are connected to difficult memories, or if your life has changed due to ending an abusive relationship, it may be time to create new traditions that feel more aligned with your healing journey. These new traditions could involve spending time with supportive friends or family members or even carving out moments of solitude for yourself. Whether it’s visiting a favorite coffee shop for a quiet reflection or spending time doing something that brings you peace, focus on building new traditions that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. 6. Let the Holidays Be What They Need to Be for You Finally, permit yourself to let the holidays unfold in whatever way feels right for you this year. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to celebrate. Maybe this is a year where you keep things minimal, or perhaps it’s a year where you decide to do something completely different. It’s okay to acknowledge that you might not feel joyful or festive, and that’s perfectly understandable. Healing and reclaiming your sense of self during the holidays is a process, and it’s important to give yourself grace and patience as you navigate this season. Conclusion The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or memories during this time, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Take care of yourself, set boundaries that protect your well-being, seek help and support as needed, and let the holidays be what they need to be for you this year. Above all, be kind to yourself as you navigate this season. |
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