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By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time.
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By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
By Christine Murray
If you spend much time on social media, you've likely come across the term "toxic positivity." While this isn’t a highly technical scientific psychological term, it can be a useful phrase to describe the experience of minimizing deep, painful emotions and covering them up with oversimplified, seemingly encouraging statements. For those who are people of faith, a related concept is "spiritual bypassing," which occurs when religious or spiritual teachings or statements are used to justify skipping over deeper emotional processing in favor of an overly positive, seemingly-spiritual outlook. In this blog post, we’ll explore what toxic positivity is, how it differs from genuine encouragement, and strategies survivors of abusive relationships can use when facing toxic positivity from others—or even from themselves. What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like? Toxic positivity can come from both external sources (such as friends, family, or community members) and from within our own inner dialogue. External Toxic Positivity When coming from others, toxic positivity often sounds like well-meaning but dismissive statements, such as:
When framed as spiritual bypassing, these statements might take forms like:
Internal Toxic Positivity Survivors may also find themselves using toxic positivity in their own self-talk. Some examples include:
Finding the Balance Between Positivity and Avoidance It’s important to note that encouragement and positivity do have a valuable place in the healing journey. Supportive friends, professional guidance, and self-affirming thoughts can all be beneficial. For example, many survivors (myself included!) find strength in uplifting music, inspirational quotes, or spiritual texts. However, the key is to avoid using positivity as a way to bypass or minimize genuine pain and healing work. Toxic positivity can be particularly harmful when it carries shame or guilt, making survivors feel like they “should” be healed by now or that their pain isn’t valid. Healing is a complex process that requires time, self-compassion, and space to fully process emotions. Strategies for Navigating Toxic Positivity If you recognize toxic positivity—whether from others or within yourself—here are a few ways to navigate it in a healthy way: 1. Increase Your Awareness: Simply understanding the concept of toxic positivity can be empowering. Not all positivity is harmful, but if a statement feels dismissive or minimizing, trust your gut. Being mindful of how certain words affect you can help you set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. 2. Consider Whether to Address Toxic Positivity Coming from Others: When faced with toxic positivity from others, consider whether and how to respond. Ask yourself:
For casual acquaintances, it may not be worth addressing, especially if you won’t be interacting with the other person much in the future. But if a close friend, family member, therapist, or clergy member frequently dismisses your pain, a conversation may be necessary to communicate your needs and boundaries. 3. Reframe Your Self-Talk: If you catch yourself using toxic positivity in your own thoughts, take a step back. Instead of saying, "I should be over this by now," try shifting to a more self-compassionate perspective: "Healing takes time, and I’m allowed to feel what I feel." Check out this past Source for Survivors blog post for more information about overcoming negative self-talk patterns. 4. Examine Whether Positivity is Being Used as Avoidance: Ask yourself: Is this positivity helping me move forward, or is it preventing me from fully acknowledging my emotions? If you notice that surface-level positivity is being used to avoid deeper work, consider engaging in healing practices like journaling, professional counseling, or support groups that will allow you the space needed to process your emotions more fully. Conclusion Toxic positivity can show up in subtle ways, but by increasing your awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-compassion, survivors can navigate their healing journeys with authenticity and depth. Encouragement and positivity have their place, but they should never come at the cost of invalidating real pain and growth. Healing isn’t about pretending everything is okay—it’s about honoring our experiences, processing our emotions in a meaningful way, and finding strength in the balance between hope and honesty. As always, seeking professional support, joining a community of survivors, and prioritizing self-care can be invaluable steps in this journey. You deserve healing that acknowledges your full experience—not just the parts that seem easy to talk about. By Christine Murray
For survivors of abusive relationships, unfairness can feel like a harsh reality and a deeply personal experience. The injustice of abuse itself is undeniable—offering love, kindness, and support in a relationship only to be met with pain and harm is profoundly unfair. But beyond that, survivors often encounter additional layers of unfairness, both during the abusive relationship and throughout the healing journey. As someone who has navigated my own healing journey and worked closely with many survivors, I have seen how this sense of unfairness can be overwhelming. It’s not just about what happened in the past—it’s about the lingering consequences that often don’t seem to impact the abuser in the same way. Recognizing and processing these feelings is an important part of healing for many survivors. In this post, we’ll explore some of the common injustices survivors face and strategies for managing the emotions that arise from them. Recognizing the Many Forms of Unfairness There are countless ways that unfairness manifests in the context of current or former abusive relationships. Here are some of the most common:
Processing and Managing the Emotions That Come with Unfairness Acknowledging any injustices you have faced is an important step in the healing process. Ignoring or suppressing these experiences and associated feelings can create barriers to healing. Below are some potentially helpful strategies to process and move forward: 1. Validate Your Feelings and Experiences It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened was not fair. You don’t have to downplay your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. Permit yourself to say, “This was unjust, and I deserved better.” Having supportive people who affirm your experiences—whether trusted friends, family members, or a counselor—can be incredibly healing. Affirmations can also help reinforce self-validation:
2. Allow Yourself to Fully Process Your Emotions Unfairness can stir up intense emotions—anger, sadness, disbelief, and even rage. These feelings are valid, and working through them is essential. Find safe ways to process your emotions, such as:
If you’d like to explore more about navigating the emotional roller coaster of healing, check out our past blog post on this topic. 3. Channel the Unfairness into Positive Action While you may not be able to change what happened to you, you might consider channeling your frustrations about the unfairness into positive action. Many survivors find empowerment by:
That said, always ensure that giving back doesn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. If advocacy or helping others becomes overwhelming or triggering, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your healing. 4. Seek Lessons and Empowering Decisions While no one should have to “learn” from an unjust experience, seeking lessons can sometimes be a way to regain a sense of control. For example:
Seeking lessons isn’t about minimizing the pain of what happened—it’s about reclaiming your power and creating a future that feels safer and more aligned with your needs. Moving Forward with Strength and Self-Compassion Survivors of abuse often carry heavy burdens of injustice. While we can’t always change what happened, we can choose how we process and respond to it. Healing is about finding ways to acknowledge what was unfair, give ourselves grace in the process, and take steps toward a life that feels more stable, empowered, and fulfilling. Remember, you are not alone. There is strength in facing these emotions and wisdom in seeking paths forward that honor your healing. You deserve fairness, justice, and peace, even if the journey toward them feels long. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from yourself and from those who truly support you. If you need support, consider reaching out to a counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones. Healing is possible, and you deserve to move forward in a way that brings you peace. By Christine Murray
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s likely you are no stranger to the experience of having your personal boundaries violated. Because abusers are so focused on gaining power and control over their partners, they typically have little regard for honoring and respecting their victims’ boundaries. For this reason, many survivors find that a key challenge in healing from an abusive relationship is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different areas of their lives. This may include navigating interactions with a former abuser, especially in cases of shared custody. However, the need to set and maintain healthy boundaries can show up in other relationships during the healing process as well. This might include with friends and family members, in the workplace, and in new romantic relationships if and when you’re ready to start dating again. If you’re interested in a quick overview of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, I invite you to check out this YouTube video developed through the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I coordinate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A_4GCAozVk. It’s just a couple of minutes long, but it’s proven to be a popular resource for learning some simple tips about healthy boundaries in relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is an important step toward fostering healthy relationships in our lives, but it’s not always easy. Effective verbal and nonverbal communication strategies are important for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Once we begin to become clearer about how we want our boundaries to look and feel in our relationships, we need to intentionally communicate those wishes to others. This is especially true if we have been allowing unhealthy boundaries and other dynamics to exist without addressing any concerns previously. For many people, communicating directly about relationship boundaries can be quite uncomfortable. It may feel demanding or uncomfortable to be speaking so directly about our own needs in relationships. Therefore, it is important to reflect on communication strategies that feel as comfortable as possible to you and that reflect your preferred language and communication style. This includes both verbal (i.e., speaking directly with the other person using words) and nonverbal (i.e., your body language, as well as unspoken actions like not answering the phone if someone calls you later than you’ve asked them to stop calling) communication strategies. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries to others, it’s important to stay alert and be proactive about addressing any potential boundary violations that may occur. When another person violates your boundaries, this can give rise to a lot of powerful emotions and thoughts. It is important to take time to process these responses so that you can take care of yourself while also figuring out the healthiest possible way to respond and move forward. Below, you will find a series of questions that you can use to process your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in the aftermath of a boundary violation. For now, think of one recent example of a boundary violation you faced, and answer the questions. You can return to the same set of questions to help process any future boundary violations you may face as well.
Overall, clear, healthy boundaries are so critical for the overall health of our relationships. Most likely, if you have faced an abusive relationship, you know the pain and drama that can arise when another person violates your boundaries, as well as how difficult it can be to set and maintain a healthy boundary with a difficult person. It can take time to learn effective strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different relationships in our lives. Remember, you are worthy of safe, healthy relationships. With time, you can continue developing the skills and tools needed to nurture them on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Counseling can offer many potential benefits for survivors of abusive relationships. For example, counseling can help survivors process their memories and experiences, learn coping skills, gain a sense of understanding and validation, and work through related challenges and impacts of the abusive relationship on many areas of their lives. Unfortunately, however, many survivors find it difficult to find a counselor who has the right training, experience, and understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships. I’ve worked in the counseling field for over two decades now, and I believe that the mental health professions in general have come a long way over the past couple of decades in terms of growing in recognition of the impact of traumatic experiences. At the same time, I still think that few too many mental health professionals receive in-depth training in the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. Training on this topic is not often covered in depth in graduate school training programs, so many mental health professionals need to seek out this information and training as part of their continuing education throughout their careers, assuming they or their employers recognize the need for this training. There is a general shortage of mental health professionals in general in many communities across the U.S. and the world. In addition, there is often an especially limited number of specialized mental health professionals in communities who have the unique combination of training, experience, and deep understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships to equip them to work with survivors. Because counseling can be such a valuable source of support for many survivors, it’s important for survivors to be equipped with the information and tools to help them connect with mental health services when needed. Here in this post for The Source for Survivors, I hope to offer some encouragement and practical steps that survivors can take if they want to explore counseling as a potential source of support along their healing journey. First, remember that counseling isn’t the only possible source of healing, and it may not make sense for all survivors and at all points in your healing journey. I always think of counseling as one of many possible tools, strategies, and resources that can be valuable for survivors. I do believe counseling can be extremely valuable, and I’ve seen this through my work as a counselor and counseling professor, as well as in my own life and through my own experiences as a counseling client at different points in my healing journey. If you’re considering seeking out counseling, take time to reflect on whether this would be helpful to you now, what your hopes and goals would be for counseling, and what qualities you’d like to find in a prospective counselor. Second, be intentional about seeking out a qualified counselor who possesses the qualities that you’re looking for. I think it can be wise to “cast a wide net” in your search for the right counselor for you, right now. For example, seek personal recommendations from people (who you can trust) in your network. You might consider contacting the local or state-level agencies (e.g., a domestic violence victim service agency or statewide domestic violence coalition) in your area that serve victims of domestic violence and other forms of abusive relationships and asking them for a recommendation of which counselors they trust and refer their client to. You can also consider searching mental health professional databases, such as Psychology Today, and using the filters to hone in on the qualities and areas of expertise that you’re looking for. Third, empower yourself to ask questions and seek out information to help you decide if a particular counselor is the right fit for you. Previously, I wrote a blog post for our See the Triumph campaign that included questions that survivors can ask prospective counselors to learn about their experience and approach to working with clients who have had experiences in an abusive relationship. I invite you to check out that post to see the checklist we shared through See the Triumph, as this was always a popular post on the See the Triumph blog. It can take some time to find the right counselor for you, so know that you may need to consult with a few different professionals before you find the one that feels like the right fit. Fourth, seek out additional resources and information to help reduce barriers to accessing counseling and other mental health resources and supports. Financial barriers can be a huge issue for many survivors. If you lack insurance coverage and can’t access counseling for that reason, consider reaching out to domestic violence advocacy agencies and see if they have any low-cost mental health resources, or perhaps they are aware of funding sources to help survivors without insurance gain access to counseling. If you happen to live near a college or university that has mental health professional training programs (e.g., psychology, counseling, or marriage and family therapy), contact these departments to see if they offer a low-cost clinic for local community members. Another possible source of counseling could be through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through your employer. Finally, know that there are free, 24/7 resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Mental Health Lifeline. Although these crisis lines may not be able to offer long-term counseling, they can provide immediate support if you become overwhelmed and need some extra support, and they also may have referral resources to help you connect with additional sources of support. As a long-time counselor, I am a big fan of the potential growth and healing that can happen through counseling. At the same time, I know that finding the right counseling can be tricky. If you’re seeking counseling now or at some point in the future along your healing journey, be intentional in seeking out the right support - and remember that you are worthy of surrounding yourself with helpful supporters as you heal and grow. By Christine Murray
The stories of survivors of abusive relationships are so powerful. They can educate, inspire, and foster connection. For survivors of intimate partner violence, sharing one’s story can be a transformative experience—both personally and in its potential to impact others. However, sharing a personal story of surviving abuse is a deeply personal decision that comes with both opportunities and challenges. Taking time to reflect on this decision and plan thoughtfully can help ensure the process feels empowering and safe. The Power of Telling Your Story Many survivors find that expressing their experiences, whether privately or publicly, can play a significant role in their healing journey. Stories have the power to challenge stigma, educate others about the realities of abuse, and inspire those who are currently navigating difficult circumstances. They can help create a world where survivors feel seen, supported, and understood. However, deciding to share your story with others--whether publicly or privately--is a significant choice. While it can be empowering, it is also essential to consider potential risks and challenges. For example, sharing your story publicly may expose you to judgment, misunderstandings, or even safety concerns if your abuser remains a threat. It’s important to assess your emotional readiness, your support system, and any potential consequences before deciding to share your story. Equally valid is the potential decision not to share. Survivors have the right to protect their privacy and prioritize their safety. If you choose to share, the key is to do so on your terms, in ways that feel safe and meaningful to you. Different Ways to Share Your Story There is no single “right way” to share your story as a survivor of abuse. Each survivor’s journey is unique, and how you tell your story should reflect your comfort level, personal goals, and circumstances. Here are a few ways you might consider sharing:
Tips for Sharing Your Story Safely and Meaningfully Prioritize Your Safety: If there is any risk of retaliation or harm from your abuser, take steps to protect your safety. This may include using pseudonyms, sharing anonymously, or delaying your decision to share. Set Boundaries: Decide in advance what parts of your story you are comfortable sharing and what you prefer to keep private. You are in control of your narrative. Seek Support: Before and after sharing, connect with trusted individuals who can provide encouragement and understanding. Processing your feelings with a therapist or a support group can be especially helpful. Pace Yourself: Sharing your story can be emotionally taxing. Allow yourself time to process your emotions and take breaks if needed. Honoring the Stories of Survivors Every survivor’s story is unique, important, and worthy of being heard. Sharing your story—whether privately or publicly—can be an act of courage and resilience. There is power in our stories as survivors to heal, educate, and inspire. By honoring your story and sharing it in ways that feel right for you, you contribute to a world where survivors are seen, supported, and celebrated. Remember, the decision to share your story is entirely yours. Whether you choose to speak publicly, write privately, or simply hold your story in your heart, know that your story matters and your voice is powerful. Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from previous posts that I wrote for our See the Triumph campaign’s Collection: Every Survivor Has a Story. By Christine Murray
When breakups happen, especially after a long-term relationship, it’s common for friends and family to feel divided. Some people may choose sides, while others attempt to maintain connections with both parties. This is already complex in any breakup, but when the relationship was abusive, these dynamics become even more challenging. If you’re a survivor of an abusive relationship, navigating your emotions and relationships when people you care about remain connected to your abuser can feel overwhelming and confusing. It may leave you questioning who you can trust, how you can feel safe, and how to move forward. This post explores why these situations are so complicated, how to process your emotions, and steps you can take to set boundaries that prioritize your well-being during your healing journey, regardless of who stays in your corner. Why This Feels So Complicated Even in non-abusive breakups, seeing people stay connected to an ex can bring feelings of discomfort, sadness, or betrayal. These feelings are valid and understandable. However, when the relationship was abusive, the situation often carries additional layers of complexity. One reason is that when people remain connected to your abuser, it can feel as though your experiences are being invalidated. People you have cared about and trusted might say things like, “They don’t seem that bad,” or, “I could never picture them acting like that.” Abusers often present a charming and kind persona to others, which may lead some of your connections to doubt your experiences or unintentionally minimize your pain. Additionally, abusers may actively try to harm your reputation by spreading lies, manipulating mutual friends, or painting you in a negative light. This can lead to mutual connections unknowingly—or even knowingly—participating in the harm. They might pass along information to your abuser, make hurtful comments, or betray your trust. These dynamics can make it feel impossible to know who to trust and may even create safety concerns. It’s no wonder these situations can feel deeply personal and painful. What You Can Do If you’re facing this challenge, remember that you have the power to make decisions that prioritize your safety and well-being, and your own well-being can be your top priority as you consider whether and how to interact with other people. Here are some practical considerations to navigate these complex circumstances: 1. Empower Yourself to Make Decisions that Support Your Healing: It’s your right to decide who has access to your life, energy, and trust. You might consider filtering your relationships into categories like the following: Those you’ll keep, those you’ll limit, and those you’ll cut. 2. Prioritize Safety and Trust: Trust is earned, especially in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Take things slow with people you choose to keep in your life, sharing your concerns and setting boundaries. For example, you might say, “You may not see my ex the same way that I seem them, but I know what I experienced, and I need to make decisions for my safety and well-being.” If someone disregards your boundaries, it’s okay to step back. 3. Adjust Social Media Access: Social media can be a tool for maintaining or changing boundaries. Unfriend or block individuals if needed. You can also adjust your social media privacy settings to limit who can see your posts and updates. 4. Grieve Losses: It’s understandable to feel sadness over lost or more distant connections. Allow yourself time to grieve these changes as you move forward. 5. Be Cautious with Information Sharing: Limit what you share, especially with mutual connections. Be mindful of how and when you post online, as information can unintentionally make its way back to your abuser. Keep your safety and well-being at the top of your mind as you consider what to share and what to keep private. 6. Focus on Supportive Relationships: Pour your energy into connections that feel safe and uplifting. Especially if some relationships have fallen away, aim to build new, healthy, and supportive relationships that reflect the life you’re creating—one free from abuse. 7. Give It Time: The initial aftermath of a breakup can be volatile, but with time, other people who at first seem to gravitate toward your abuser may come to see the truth of your experience. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate these changes. Creating a New Life Navigating relationships with people connected to your abuser is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s an opportunity to refocus your energy on what truly matters: Your healing and growth. Each step you take to set boundaries, protect your well-being, and build supportive relationships brings you closer to healing and empowerment. As you move forward, remember that your worth is not defined by others’ choices or opinions. You are strong, capable, and deserving of connections that honor and respect your journey. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you can create a life and social support network that is filled with safety, trust, and joy. By Christine Murray
February is often thought of as the month of love, making it a meaningful time to reflect on relationships. For survivors who are interested in reentering the dating world after surviving an abusive relationship, the journey can be filled with mixed emotions—hope, excitement, and sometimes fear or uncertainty. This post is the first in a two-part mini-series leading up to Valentine's Day. Today, I’ll focus on survivors who are considering dating again, and next week, we’ll explore how dating partners can support someone with a history of abuse. Before diving in, it’s essential to note that dating isn’t a requirement for healing. Some survivors choose—temporarily or permanently—not to reenter the dating world, focusing instead on fostering connections and relationships with family, friends, and themselves. This decision is valid and deeply personal. If dating doesn’t feel right for you (now or ever), that’s okay. However, if you are considering dating, let’s consider how to approach this new chapter with care and confidence. 1. Are You Ready? There’s no universal timeline for knowing when you’re ready to date again. Some survivors find they need time to heal and rebuild their sense of self before exploring new connections. Others may feel ready sooner, especially if they’ve done significant emotional work during or after the abusive relationship. Ask yourself:
It’s important to reflect on your current emotional state and readiness. If self-doubt or unresolved pain arises, consider focusing on personal healing or seeking support before jumping into dating. 2. Define Your Approach Think about what dating might look like for you. Are you open to meeting someone organically—through work, community activities, or mutual friends? Or do you feel open to actively seeking a partner using dating apps or other intentional methods? Neither approach is necessarily better than the other; what matters is choosing what feels comfortable and safe for you. Be prepared for the potential of receiving well-meaning advice from friends or family about how to date, but remember: You’re in charge of how you approach dating. It’s okay to set boundaries and decide which suggestions resonate with you. 3. Build Your Support System Navigating the dating world is often easier with trusted friends or family members in your corner. Share your hopes and concerns with a few close, supportive people you trust, and invite them to provide feedback as you get to know potential partners. They can offer valuable perspectives, especially if you find yourself caught up in early romantic excitement. It’s also helpful to establish boundaries for yourself. Know what red flags you won’t tolerate and ensure you’re prepared to walk away from someone who doesn’t align with your vision of a healthy relationship. 4. Take It Slow As you reenter the dating scene, consider how much you want to share about your past experiences with abuse—and when. Your story is yours to tell, and you should only share it if and when you feel comfortable and safe. Early in a relationship, focus on getting to know the other person’s values, character, and communication style before diving into deeply personal topics. Remember, taking it slow applies to getting to know your date as well. Allow time to observe their behavior and ensure their actions align with their words. Building trust takes time, and there’s no need to rush. 5. Focus on Fun and Self-Discovery Dating after abuse can feel daunting, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and joy. Allow yourself to approach this experience with curiosity. Every date doesn’t need to lead to the outcome you’re hoping for, whether that’s a long-term relationship or even a more short-term connection. Instead, see dating as a chance to learn about yourself—your likes, dislikes, and non-negotiables—and to enjoy the process of meeting new people. Look for someone who makes you feel safe, supported, and excited. If the relationship doesn’t work out, remember that it’s part of the process. Keep moving forward toward the vision you have for your life and love. Final Thoughts Dating again after an abusive relationship is a deeply personal decision. Whether you’re taking your first steps back into the dating world or simply contemplating the idea, trust yourself to navigate this journey at your own pace. With time, patience, and a commitment to self-care, you can approach dating as an opportunity to further your healing, rediscover yourself, and embrace the possibility of a healthy, loving relationship. Take care of yourself, lean on your support system, and know that you’re worthy of the love and kindness you seek. |
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