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In the midst of coping with or recovering from an abusive relationship, prioritizing self-care can feel nearly impossible when so much of your energy is focused on navigating the dynamics and consequences of abuse.
When you care for your own well-being, you strengthen your ability to handle the many challenges survivors often face. Self-care can also help counter the harmful effects of an abuser’s words and actions. Each time you care for yourself, you reinforce the truth that you are worthy of kindness, compassion, and attention. Your needs, health, and well-being matter. This blog post is focused on self-care as part of the healing journey. Here, you will have opportunities to reflect on the practices that feel most meaningful for you and to consider ways to move past common barriers to caring for yourself after difficult relationship experiences. Self-Care Reflections: Journal Prompts for Survivors When you are coping with the stress and aftermath of an abusive relationship, self-care can feel like one more thing on your already full plate. Taking time for self-reflection can help you reconnect with your needs and remind yourself that your well-being matters. If it feels helpful, consider journaling about one or more of the prompts below:
Protecting Your Early Morning Energy How you begin your day can influence how you experience the hours that follow. When you are healing from an abusive relationship, your energy may already feel stretched thin. Creating even a small buffer of calm in your morning can help you move into the day with greater steadiness. If possible, avoid starting your day in a rush. Set aside a few intentional minutes for yourself before diving into responsibilities. This does not need to be long. Whether you have two minutes or thirty, use that time to ground yourself and set a healthy tone for the day. Your routine should fit your real life. If you are parenting young children or managing a demanding schedule, choose something simple and realistic. A few quiet breaths, a brief stretch, a short devotional reading, light movement, or mindfully sipping your coffee or tea can make a positive difference. As you experiment with different approaches, notice what leaves you feeling centered and prepared. Protecting your early morning energy can help you face daily stress with more clarity and resilience. Self-Care Myths and Realities Sometimes the biggest barriers to self-care are the beliefs we carry about what it is supposed to look like. If self-care feels out of reach, it may help to pause and examine whether certain myths are influencing your thinking. Myth #1: Self-care requires a lot of money. Reality: There are many affordable or free ways to care for yourself, such as going for a walk, taking a few deep breaths, journaling, stretching, or listening to music that lifts your mood. Myth #2: Self-care means escaping to an exotic location. Reality: Self-care can happen in small, ordinary moments throughout your day, wherever you are. Myth #3: Self-care must take a long time to be effective. Reality: Even a few intentional minutes of rest or reflection can positively impact your well-being. Take time to notice whether any of these myths are shaping your approach to self-care. Releasing unrealistic expectations can make space for practices that truly fit your life and support your healing journey. Scheduling Self-Care When life feels busy or overwhelming, self-care is often one of the first things to get pushed aside. You might tell yourself you will take that walk tomorrow or skip a relaxing activity just this once to handle other responsibilities. While adjustments are sometimes necessary, it is important to notice when self-care keeps getting put off and slowly fades from your routines. One way to protect your well-being is to treat self-care like any other important commitment. Schedule it into your day or week. Block off time in your planner or calendar for activities that help you recharge, whether they are brief moments of rest or longer practices that require more time. Be realistic about your schedule and energy. If your week is full, choose shorter practices during busy days and reserve longer activities for times when you have more flexibility. The goal is consistency, not perfection. At the start of each week, consider mapping out when you will care for yourself. At the end of the week, reflect on how it went and adjust as needed. Making space for self-care on your calendar reinforces the commitment that your healing and well-being deserve time and attention. Barriers to Self-Care and Strategies to Overcome Them Self-care may sound simple in theory: Engage in practices that support your well-being. In reality, maintaining consistent self-care can feel difficult, especially while healing from an abusive relationship. Identifying what is standing in your way can help you take practical steps forward. Consider reflecting on the different types of barriers you may be facing and what strategies might help you address them. Internal barriers might include guilt, self-doubt, or feeling undeserving of care. If this is true for you, you might practice reminding yourself that your well-being matters and that caring for yourself supports your ability to handle life’s demands. External barriers can include a lack of time and solitude. If you are facing very heavy demands on your time and energy, consider building in short, manageable practices that fit into the rhythm of your day. Practical barriers may involve financial limitations or scheduling conflicts. Look for low-cost or free options and plan self-care at times that realistically work for you. Relational barriers might involve a lack of support from others. In this case, consider setting gentle but firm boundaries, seeking encouragement from trusted supporters, or finding community spaces that affirm your healing. Taking time to identify your barriers and possible solutions can help you move from feeling stuck to feeling empowered. Remember that perfection isn’t the goal. Instead, aim for making steady, thoughtful efforts to protect your energy and support your healing journey. Self-Care Brainstorming Self-care does not have to be expensive, complicated, or time-consuming. Any activity that helps you feel grounded, restored, or supported can become part of your personal self-care plan. Take a few moments to brainstorm as many ideas as possible. Try not to overthink it. Simply write down activities that sound comforting, energizing, or meaningful to you. Examples might include taking a walk, calling a trusted friend, sipping tea, reading a novel, gardening, journaling, baking, stretching, playing with a pet, or savoring your favorite treat. Add your own ideas and notice which ones feel most appealing. After you create your list, review it and make note of the activities that feel most realistic and enjoyable right now. From those, choose one or two and make a simple plan to try them in the coming week. Keep your plan manageable so it feels encouraging rather than overwhelming. Conclusion As we conclude this post on self-care, remember that caring for yourself requires intention. It often means identifying the internal beliefs and external barriers that make self-care difficult and gently working to move past them. Noticing those patterns is a powerful first step. Self-care can be woven into the rhythm of your daily life. It may show up in how you begin your morning, how you wind down at night, and the small choices you make throughout the day to protect your energy. The key is to choose practices that feel realistic, meaningful, and self-supporting for you. Your healing journey deserves attention and compassion. Continuing to invest in your well-being is an ongoing act of self-respect and strength.
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By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is rarely a smooth or linear process. Along the way, many survivors experience powerful waves of emotion; sometimes, this is in response to ongoing interactions, and sometimes, emotions linger long after the abuse has ended. Abusive relationships can bring both immediate emotional reactions, such as fear, anger, or confusion, as well as longer-term emotional impacts like grief, sadness, or emotional exhaustion. These emotions are understandable, natural responses to prolonged stress, harm, and loss. Learning how to acknowledge and process difficult emotions in healthy ways is an important part of healing. Without supportive tools and strategies, emotions can feel overwhelming and begin to take a toll on mental and emotional well-being, especially if contact with the abusive person is ongoing. This post will focus on common difficult emotions survivors may experience and offer gentle, practical guidance for understanding and working through them. The goal is not to “get rid of” emotions, but to build skills that help you move through them with greater self-compassion, clarity, and care. Self-Reflection: Making Space for Difficult Emotions As a survivor of an abusive relationship, your emotions may feel intense, complicated, or even confusing, and that’s understandable. Taking time for gentle self-reflection can help you better understand your emotional world and support your healing. If it feels safe to do so, consider reflecting on one or more of the questions below. • Which emotions feel hardest for you to experience or process? What past experiences might have shaped that discomfort? • How did your emotions shift over time in the abusive relationship? What might those emotions have been trying to tell you? • Have there been times in your life when you felt discouraged from feeling or expressing your emotions? How does that affect you today? • What emotional strengths are you proud of, and where might you want to grow with more support or compassion? Your emotions carry important information, and learning to gently listen to them can be a powerful part of healing. You deserve space, permission, and support as you process what you’ve been through. Sitting with Uncomfortable Emotions As a survivor of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to experience difficult emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or loneliness. While none of us typically want to feel these emotions, they are a normal part of being human and an important part of healing. One helpful skill is learning to gently sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of immediately trying to push them away. When we build tolerance for difficult feelings, we’re often better able to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting in ways that increase distress. If it feels safe for you, consider trying a brief reflection or mindfulness practice: • Find a quiet, comfortable space and take a few slow, calming breaths. • Bring to mind a mildly uncomfortable emotional experience (start small). • Notice what emotions arise, reminding yourself that you are safe in this moment. • Offer yourself a grounding affirmation, such as: “This is uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it and care for myself through it.” • When you’re ready, shift your attention to something soothing or positive before returning to your day. You never have to force yourself to feel more than you’re ready for. Healing happens gradually, and learning to sit with emotions (at your own pace) can be a powerful step toward emotional resilience. Observing Your Emotions During interactions with an abusive person, emotions like anger, fear, frustration, or stress can escalate quickly. These reactions are completely understandable. At the same time, intense emotions can sometimes make it harder to respond in ways that truly protect your well-being. One skill that can be helpful is learning to observe your emotions as they’re happening. This doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing your feelings. Instead, imagine that part of you is experiencing the moment, while another part of you is calmly observing it from a slight distance, almost like a compassionate witness. As you practice this internal observer role, you might gently ask yourself: • What would an observer notice about my emotions right now? • How well am I managing or coping with these feelings in this moment? You don’t need to answer these questions perfectly or in real time. Even brief moments of awareness can help create space between what you feel and how you respond. After the interaction has passed and you’re in a safer, calmer space, reflect on what you noticed. Over time, this practice can help you better understand your emotional patterns, strengthen your self-regulation skills, and make choices that align more closely with your safety and healing. Using Creativity to Express Your Emotions You don’t need to consider yourself “artistic” for creativity to be a powerful way to process emotions. Creative expression can offer a nonverbal way to explore feelings that may be difficult to put into words, especially after experiences of abuse. If it feels safe to do so, bring to mind a recent emotionally intense experience related to the abusive relationship. Then, using whatever materials you have available (such as doodling, drawing, coloring, or creating a collage), allow yourself to visually express what you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. This practice isn’t about creating something polished or impressive. It’s about giving your emotions a place to exist outside of your mind and body. Let the process guide you, even if it feels a little unfamiliar or imperfect. Afterward, take a moment to reflect: What did you notice about expressing your emotions creatively compared to talking or writing about them? You may find that creativity helps you access insights, release tension, or connect with parts of yourself that need care and compassion. Processing Experiences of Emotional Manipulation Emotional manipulation is a common and painful part of many abusive relationships. Abusive partners may attempt (overtly or subtly) to influence your emotions in ways that benefit them, often leaving you feeling confused, guilty, or doubting yourself. If it feels safe and supportive to do so, take some time to reflect on your experiences. You might consider moments when emotional manipulation felt obvious, as well as times when it was harder to recognize in the moment. Both are valid, and neither reflects a failure on your part. As you look back, practice offering yourself compassion. Many survivors don’t recognize emotional manipulation while it’s happening. Manipulation is often intentionally designed to be confusing. You are not to blame for how another person chose to treat you. You may also notice that these experiences affected how you manage emotions today. That awareness can be an important step in healing. Understanding the impact of emotional manipulation can help you rebuild trust in yourself and develop healthier ways to process difficult emotions moving forward. Conclusion: Committing to Caring for Your Emotional Well-Being Healing from an abusive relationship involves navigating many layers of emotional impact; some of these show up immediately, and others unfold over time. You may notice intense emotions in the aftermath of difficult interactions, as well as longer-term feelings such as grief, sadness, numbness, or anxiety that linger as you continue your healing journey. All of these emotions are valid, and none of them mean that you are doing healing “wrong.” Throughout this series over the past several weeks, we’ve explored ways to acknowledge, understand, and gently process difficult emotions as a survivor of abuse. While there is no single “right” way to work through emotions, what matters most is your ongoing commitment to caring for yourself with intention, patience, and compassion. As you move forward, consider what it looks like for you to make your emotional well-being a priority. That might include practicing skills that help you tolerate uncomfortable emotions, finding safe ways to express your feelings, building awareness of how past abuse has shaped your emotional responses, or setting boundaries that protect your peace. It also may include recognizing when emotions feel overwhelming or persistent and reaching out for additional support. Seeking help from a trained mental health professional can be an important and courageous step, especially if emotional distress begins to interfere with daily life or feels difficult to manage on your own. Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s a reflection of self-respect and care. Visit the Other Resources section of our website to connect with potential sources of professional support: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/resources.html. Above all, remember that your emotions matter. They carry important information about your experiences, your needs, and your healing. By committing to honoring and caring for your emotional health, you are taking meaningful steps toward a future that feels safer, more grounded, and more aligned with who you are becoming. Note: This blog post includes a summary of a social media series that ran on The Source for Survivors Facebook and Instagram pages over the past several weeks. By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive or abusive relationship involves unpacking many layers of impact, including physical, emotional, social, and practical effects of the abuse. One of the most significant, yet often overlooked, effects of abuse is how it can alter the way survivors think and feel about themselves. Abusive people often use criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation as tools of control, and over time, these tactics can deeply influence survivors’ self-concept and worldview. If you’ve noticed shifts in how you see yourself, your relationships, or your beliefs about life because of what you experienced, please know this is a normal response to harmful behavior. The good news is that with time, support, and intentional healing, these impacts can be understood, softened, and healed. In today’s post, we’ll explore two major areas commonly affected by abuse: your self-concept and your underlying beliefs about life. You’ll also find self-reflection exercises to help you gently explore your own experiences in these areas. How Abuse Can Shape Your Self-Concept Your self-concept includes your sense of worth, confidence, identity, and trust in your own perceptions. Abusive relationships often chip away at these foundations, sometimes slowly and subtly, other times abruptly and painfully. If you have ever questioned your judgment, doubted your worth, or felt worn down by interactions with a harmful person, you are not alone. These responses are common because abusive people frequently use tactics such as:
Self-Reflection Exercise: Self-Concept Impacts (True/False)
How Abuse Can Shift Your Core Beliefs Beyond impacting how you think about yourself, abusive relationships often lead survivors to question fundamental beliefs about relationships, the future, spirituality, and even the goodness of helping others. These shifts make sense, as abuse can shake the ground beneath survivors in profound ways. When someone you trusted harms you, it’s only natural that your beliefs about safety, hope, or trust may change. Below is a another self-reflection exercise designed to help you identify areas where your fundamental beliefs may have been affected. You can write down your responses privately, discuss them with a trained professional, or simply use them as a starting point for deeper reflection. Self-Reflection Exercise: Exploring Possible Shifts in Core Beliefs Beliefs About Relationships: Example: “Other people can’t easily be trusted.” What beliefs about relationships (e.g., trust, intimacy, boundaries, connection) have been shaped by your experiences? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Hope for the Future: Example: “Life will always be so difficult.” Have recent challenges influenced how you view your future, your goals, or your sense of possibility? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Spiritual or Religious Views: Example: “Why doesn’t my Higher Power help me more?” Have your faith, spirituality, or sense of meaning been affected by what you experienced? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About the Value of Helping Others: Example: “People will hurt you even when you try to help them.” Have the actions of an abusive person affected your belief in kindness, compassion, or reciprocity? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Concluding Thoughts Exploring these impacts may bring up difficult feelings, and that’s understandable. Sometimes gaining insight means revisiting wounds we’ve been carrying for a long time. As you reflect, please remember:
By Christine Murray
The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, filled with holiday treats, celebrations, and connection. But for many survivors of abusive relationships, this season can also bring unique challenges and complicated emotions. Survivors’ experiences around the holidays are diverse. Some may feel deep loneliness, especially if they’re spending the holidays apart from their children or loved ones. Others might feel anxious about facing questions from relatives about their past relationship or their current life. Many feel overwhelmed by the busyness and added pressures that often arise during the holiday season. And for some survivors, the holidays might also bring painful memories of past years that were overshadowed or ruined by an abuser’s actions. For whatever reasons, please know you’re not alone and that it’s natural if this time of year doesn’t feel joyful or peaceful for you. Honor Your Feelings and Needs It’s understandable if the holidays feel hard. Give yourself permission to experience whatever emotions come up, whether that’s sadness, anger, grief, numbness, or even relief. You don’t need to force yourself into holiday cheer if that doesn’t feel genuine. Instead, focus on honoring your feelings and your current needs. This might mean setting aside extra time for rest, quiet reflection, or self-care. Journaling, engaging in creative outlets, or simply being present during moments of stillness can help you stay grounded through emotionally intense times. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Peace Boundaries are especially important during the holidays. Give yourself permission to make decisions and set boundaries that promote your well-being. Remember that you do not have to attend events, answer intrusive questions, or engage with people who make you uncomfortable or unsafe. It’s okay to say no, decline invitations, keep certain topics off-limits, or step away early from a gathering if it starts to feel overwhelming. If people pressure you to talk about your past relationship or other painful topics, you can prepare gentle but clear responses in advance, such as: “That’s not something I want to talk about right now,” or “Thanks for your concern, but I’m focusing on enjoying the day.” Your emotional well-being is important. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-protection. Create New Traditions That Bring You Joy Healing often means re-imagining what joy looks like for you. You might find comfort in creating your own new traditions that reflect where you are in your life now. Buy yourself a small gift that feels meaningful. Spend time with supportive friends. Enjoy a favorite holiday meal or dessert. Listen to uplifting music, even if it has nothing to do with the holidays. Or, if you prefer, skip festivities altogether and spend the time resting or reflecting. There’s no “right” way to celebrate (or not celebrate) the holidays. The key is to create space for what feels comforting and meaningful to you at this point in your healing journey. Reach Out for Support If You Need It If you’re feeling particularly distressed or lonely this holiday season, remember that help is available. Support is available 24/7 through the 988 Lifeline and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also visit our Other Source for Survivors Resources page Conclusion It’s completely natural if you’re counting down the days until the holidays are over. But even during difficult seasons, try to create small moments of peace, comfort, and joy whenever possible. Be intentional about creating an upcoming holiday season that honors your needs, safety, and healing. By Christine Murray
So many parts of adulthood require us to do things we’d rather not do, such as paying bills, scheduling doctor appointments, cleaning, or doing laundry. Life as a responsible adult certainly isn’t always fun and games, and it can be grueling at times. For survivors of abusive relationships, however, the “things we don’t want to do” category can be even more intense and emotionally draining. Facing a court date, communicating with an abusive ex-partner about custody issues, or taking extra time to document harassment are all examples of tasks that may feel overwhelming and distressing but, unfortunately, are sometimes unavoidable parts of the healing journey. Because these situations can’t always be avoided, it’s helpful to plan ahead and approach them with as much support and intentionality as possible. Below are some ideas for getting through challenging situations in ways that can promote healing and reduce unnecessary stress. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions: When something feels painful or unfair, it’s natural for strong emotions to arise. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, whether that’s anger, sadness, fear, frustration, or exhaustion. Try not to dismiss your feelings or pressure yourself into “just staying positive” when you’re hurting. Journaling, therapy, or naming your emotions aloud can be healthy ways to process your feelings. Surround Yourself with Trusted Supporters: You don’t have to face hard moments alone. Reach out to people you trust, such as close friends, family members, an advocate, or a counselor, and let them know what you’re going through. Trusted supporters can listen without judgment, help you plan practical steps, and remind you of your strength when you need encouragement. Prepare and Practice: If you know you’ll need to face a difficult situation, such as communicating with your abuser or appearing in court, rehearsing possible scenarios can help you feel more confident in the moment. As much as possible, role-play what you might say, plan for how you’ll respond if something upsetting happens, and identify strategies to promote your composure and safety. Keep the Big Picture in Mind: When you’re in the middle of something difficult, it can be easy to lose sight of why you’re doing it. Try to zoom out and remember your bigger goals. For example, spending time documenting your abuser’s ongoing harassment might feel burdensome, but that documentation could help protect a survivor legally or emotionally in the long run in court proceedings. Keeping your “why” in focus can help you push through the hard parts with more purpose and clarity. Lift Yourself Up: Encouragement matters, especially when you’re facing tough situations. Find ways to cheer yourself on. Examples might include posting uplifting quotes where you’ll see them, playing a favorite song that boosts your confidence, saying a prayer, or repeating a positive affirmation. These small acts of self-encouragement can help you approach difficult tasks with greater self-assurance. Reflect and Decompress Afterward: Once you’ve made it through the hard thing, take time to pause and reflect. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow? Even if the experience was painful or uncomfortable, notice ways you showed up with courage and integrity. Afterward, do something that feels self-supporting, like taking a walk, spending time with someone who makes you laugh, or doing a hobby that you find to be creative or relaxing. Conclusion Healing from past abuse often involves facing challenges that feel unfair, unwanted, and tiring. But each time you take one of these difficult steps, you’re proving your strength and your commitment to your safety and well-being. Even when the healing process feels difficult, remind yourself that you are capable, strong, and worthy of healing and wholeness. By Christine Murray
As a longtime licensed marriage and family therapist, I deeply believe in the potential value of relationship- and family-oriented counseling. There can be tremendous growth and healing when couples or families work together in a therapeutic setting to address challenges and strengthen their relationships. That said, in today’s post, I want to address a very important point: Couples therapy generally is not recommended when abuse is present in a relationship. In fact, it can be harmful and unsafe for the victim or survivor. Below, I’ll walk through why couples therapy is generally not appropriate when a partner is perpetrating abuse, and what alternative forms of support may be more helpful and safe. Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that this topic can bring up a lot of emotions, especially for survivors who tried couples counseling with an abusive partner and found it confusing, invalidating, or even re-traumatizing. If that has been your experience, please know that it makes sense, and you are not alone. Please also note that the information I’m sharing here is meant as general guidance. If you are considering whether therapy might be helpful in your situation, or if you’re feeling unsure about a relationship that has included abusive dynamics, I encourage you to seek individualized support. This might include a counselor who is trained in domestic violence dynamics or reaching out to a resource such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence advocacy agency. Why Couples Therapy Isn’t Safe or Effective in Abusive Relationships In general, couples counseling works best when both partners are committed to a foundation of safety and respect and are open to reflecting on their own roles in the relationship dynamics. But when abuse is present, these conditions don’t exist. Here’s why this matters: 1. Safety Concerns for the Survivor First and foremost, couples therapy can pose serious risks to survivors. An abusive partner might retaliate after emotionally charged topics are addressed in a therapy session. Even if the abuser appears calm during the session, they may act later with escalated emotional, psychological, or physical abuse as “punishment” for what was said. Typically, couples counselors can only get a limited glimpse into what’s happening in the relationship. Abusers may present themselves as calm, rational, or even remorseful in front of the therapist, which can be part of their manipulation. But once the session ends, their controlling and harmful behaviors may continue or worsen, out of the therapist’s view. 2. Couples Counseling Treats Relationship Issues as Mutual Generally speaking, couples therapy addresses problems as shared or mutual between partners. But abuse is not a mutual problem. It’s an individual behavior that stems from an abuser’s motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. Approaching abuse as a relationship problem can minimize the accountability of the abusive partner. It may send the message, intentionally or not, that the survivor is somehow responsible for the abuse or needs to change their behavior to make the abuse stop. This is never true. Abuse is always the sole responsibility of the person who is choosing to be abusive. 3. Therapy Requires Trust and Safety, Which Abuse Undermines Effective therapy requires a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety. Without those elements, the therapeutic process can’t work the way it’s intended to. When power and control dynamics exist in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible for both partners to feel safe enough to engage honestly and openly in counseling. In some cases, abusers may even use therapy sessions as a tool of manipulation, such as by twisting the survivor’s words, gaining more access to their emotional vulnerabilities, or using the session to appear cooperative while continuing their abuse outside the session. What to Consider Instead of Couples Counseling If you or someone you care about is in a relationship where abuse is present, and the question of therapy or healing comes up, there are safer and more effective alternatives than couples counseling to consider: 1. Accountability and Intervention for the Abusive Partner The most important first step for an abusive partner is to take full responsibility for their behaviors and demonstrate a sustained commitment to change. The current best practice for intervention is participation in a batterer intervention program (BIP), sometimes also called a domestic violence intervention program. These programs are often mandated through the court system, but many also accept voluntary participants. They focus on the power and control dynamics that drive abusive behaviors and work toward long-term behavior change and accountability. It’s important to note that anger management programs are not a substitute for batterer intervention. Abuse is not about anger; it’s about power and control. While learning healthy ways to manage anger can be helpful, it doesn’t address the core power and control issues at the root of abuse. In some cases, when a formal batterer intervention program isn’t available, an alternative might be individual counseling with a professional who has specific, extensive training and experience working with abusive partners. However, the provider should be well-versed in domestic violence dynamics and focused on holding the abusive person accountable. 2. Individual Counseling and Support for Survivors While couples counseling is not appropriate when abuse is present, individual counseling can be a valuable part of the healing journey for survivors. Individual counseling offers a private, safe space to process the abuse, build coping tools, and explore options for the future. Support groups for survivors, peer support networks, and advocacy services through local domestic violence agencies can also provide helpful resources, encouragement, and a sense of community. When seeking a therapist, survivors should look for someone who is trauma-informed and trained in intimate partner violence. Unfortunately, not all mental health professionals are adequately prepared to support survivors, so it’s important to ask questions and seek a provider who has relevant experience and understanding. 3. Legal and Advocacy Resources Sometimes survivors may also benefit from consulting with attorneys or legal advocates to explore their rights, especially if safety planning, custody, or protection orders are needed. Domestic violence agencies often have legal advocacy staff or partnerships with attorneys who can provide free or low-cost guidance. What If the Abusive Partner Refuses to Change? In another Source for Survivors blog post, I explore the question, “Can abusers change?” Although change is possible in some cases, it is not guaranteed. Even if an abusive partner makes promises to change, survivors must be cautious and stay grounded in the reality of what they observe, not just what they’re told by their abuser. Change requires time, consistency, accountability, and humility. If an abusive partner refuses to seek help or continues harmful behaviors, it’s important to prioritize your own safety and healing. Conclusion As a therapist and a survivor, it makes me cringe when I hear someone suggest couples counseling for a relationship in which abuse is present. I cringe not only because I know how unsafe it can be for the survivor, but also because it sends the wrong message: that the abuse is somehow a shared problem or that the survivor needs to “work on the relationship” alongside their abuser. The truth is, abuse is a choice made by the person causing harm. Survivors are never responsible for the abuse they experience. If you're in a relationship with abusive dynamics (or trying to support someone who is), please consider reaching out for individualized support from trained professionals or advocacy organizations. There are many helpful, safe, and empowering resources available, and the right support can make a world of difference. Couples counseling might not be the safest or most appropriate resource in relationships involving an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other options available to help you along your path toward healing, safety, and peace. By Christine Murray
This blog post is adapted from Chapter 9 of our book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment after Surviving an Abusive Relationship. To learn more about the book and access related resources, please visit The Source for Survivors Financial Abuse Recovery Book Resources webpage. Healing after an abusive relationship is a personal journey that can unfold in many different ways. For many survivors, an important part of the healing journey includes rediscovering or re-imagining their professional and educational goals. Whether it means going back to school, starting a new job, changing careers, or simply reflecting on what kind of work brings meaning and stability, this process can be empowering and healing. If you’re in the early stages of abuse recovery, thinking about big career or education decisions may feel overwhelming. You may be dealing with financial pressures, lingering trauma, self-doubt, or the ongoing impacts of the abuse you experienced (such as being discouraged or blocked from working or studying during the relationship). Remember that it’s never too late to invest in yourself and take intentional steps toward building a future that reflects your goals, values, and dreams. In abusive relationships, it’s common for survivors to feel like their needs, goals, and well-being were consistently devalued. A big part of healing for many survivors involves learning to reclaim your worth, and one powerful way to do this can include making intentional investments in yourself. This might include self-care, counseling, rest, and seeking new opportunities related to work and learning. Everyone’s career and educational paths are different. You may be working in a job you love, seeking something new, feeling unsure of your next steps, or currently not in the workforce at all. Wherever you are right now, keep in mind that the goal is not to follow someone else’s blueprint. It’s important to explore what feels meaningful and supportive for you. That could mean completing a degree, returning to school, launching a business, exploring volunteer work, or finding peace in staying where you are. There’s no one right way to move forward, so take time to consider what steps feel right to you at this point in time. Survivors may face unique challenges in their educational or professional lives, some of which may be the direct result of abuse. Perhaps you were kept from working or studying. Maybe you were constantly criticized or told you weren’t capable. The lingering effects of this kind of mistreatment can impact your confidence and decision-making long after the relationship ends. At the same time, setting and working toward educational or career goals can be a powerful part of healing. Taking steps toward your goals can build confidence, foster a sense of purpose, and contribute to financial independence. You may even discover a deeper sense of identity or reconnect with dreams you’d put on hold. Practical Considerations and Strategies If you're exploring educational or career goals after abuse, here are a few practical strategies and considerations to keep in mind:
Conclusion Whether you’re dreaming of a new career, thinking about returning to school, or just beginning to explore what’s next, remember that you are worthy of growth. You are capable of learning new things, and you can pursue opportunities that align with your goals and your healing journey. Pursuing career or educational goals after an abusive relationship isn’t always easy, but it can be a powerful part of the healing journey. These steps, however small they may feel at first, are part of reclaiming your future and honoring your worth. Whether you're focused on resting and recovering, mapping out big dreams for your future, or somewhere in between, remember that you deserve a future that feels empowering, meaningful, and free. By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time. By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
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