By Christine Murray
“The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” —Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe While there can be beauty in moments of solitude, loneliness and isolation are often a different story, especially for people who deeply crave positive, healthy sources of connection with others. Feeling deeply isolated is a common experience for survivors of abusive relationships, both during and after the relationship ends. You might find yourself looking around and realizing that many of your past relationships have fallen away, leaving you feeling very alone. This sense of isolation is normal and understandable, stemming from the dynamics of abuse that often include isolation as a tactic. Isolation as an Abuse Tactic Abusers frequently use isolation as a means of gaining power and control over their partners. By cutting off their partners from friends, family, and support networks, abusers create an environment where their harmful behaviors can go unchecked. Signs that isolation may have been used against you include being kept from seeing your friends or family, having your relationships disparaged, or being physically moved away from sources of support, such as your partner making you move with them to another town that’s far away from your friends and family members. The Consequences of Isolation Isolation not only serves as an abusive tactic, but it can also become a significant consequence of abuse over time. Survivors may find themselves distanced from friends and family members due to the dynamics of the abusive relationship or their own withdrawal over time. Also, controlling partners may limit survivors' opportunities to build new relationships or maintain existing ones. Steps to Reduce Isolation and Foster Support
Taking Time and Keeping Perspective Building meaningful relationships takes time, especially for survivors who may have experienced broken trust or trauma. Take the time you need to get to know people gradually and figure out which connections are safe and supportive for you. Conclusion Rebuilding your social network after abuse can be overwhelming, but remember that you deserve healthy, positive relationships in your life. While it may take time and effort, nurturing these connections can offer healing and support along your journey.
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By Christine Murray
The experience of being emotionally triggered is common for many survivors along the journey of recovering from past abuse. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about “Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered.” Many different types of situations and circumstances can lead to feeling emotionally or physiologically triggered. Sometimes, these are directly connected to past experiences of abuse, such as seeing or interacting with your former abuser or having a memory of something that happened in the context of that relationship. At other times, triggers can arise in more indirectly related situations, such as if you experience a similar dynamic with another person (e.g., a toxic workplace culture) or something that reminds you of feelings that you faced in connection with your experiences of abuse. In my personal experiences, one unexpected area of my life in which I’ve experienced triggering events has been in my parenting. When I first started experiencing this, I was surprised and had a hard time admitting that experiences with my children could trigger emotional reactions that were reminiscent of my past traumatic experiences. How could my sweet children be having this impact on me? It turns out that I’m not alone. As I first wrote about this topic several years ago in a blog post for Triad Moms on Main, “Parenting is one of the areas in which traumatic effects can surface, but parents with a history of trauma may struggle to understand how they can navigate their past trauma amid the demands of their current parenting.” Even for parents (and other caregivers) without any trauma history, parenting is no easy feat! As many people have said before, parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world. It’s natural for all parents--whether or not they’ve ever experienced a traumatic event--to feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. For survivors of past abusive relationships, the intense emotions that can arise along the healing journey can add to the complexities of parenting. This is especially true when power struggles arise in parenting situations. Abusive relationships have an underlying dynamic of power and control issues, as abusers use a variety of abusive tactics to gain and maintain power over their targeted victims. Because of this, the abuse recovery process for survivors often involves gaining a greater sense of self-empowerment and freedom that they weren’t able to experience in their abusive relationship. From a developmental perspective, power struggles between children and their parents are a common and natural part of children growing up to become independent adults. Power struggles can look different at different ages. A toddler might throw a tantrum when they don’t want to do what their parent is asking them to do, whereas a teenager may tune into their phone or withdraw to their room to create space from their parent. Even when parents understand their children’s developmental motives behind the parenting power struggles that might arise, they can feel confused and overwhelmed when these struggles arise. This is true for all parents, but for parents with a history of the control dynamics involved in abusive relationships, emotional reactions can be intensified and become a triggering event. If you find parenting power struggles to be triggers for you, here are a few steps that I’ve found helpful to navigate these situations with as much ease and confidence as possible:
While parenting can be a rewarding and meaningful part of life, this doesn’t mean it is without its challenges. One of those challenges for survivors who are parenting is the potential for emotionally triggering events during power struggles with our children. While parenting-related triggers may not be avoidable, we can be intentional about (1) recognizing them, (2) responding to them in healthy ways, and (3) learning from them. In this way, we can continue to grow to become more present with our children, as well as to move further along in our healing journeys. By Christine Murray
If you’re healing from the immediate or long-term effects of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster at times. As I’ve discussed before throughout this blog, it’s so important to practice self-care and process our emotions while we are on the journey of healing from past abuse. Many survivors, such as those who share children with their former abuser, may need to stay in contact with their abusers even long after the relationship ends. Even if you’ve been able to cut off all contact with your former abuser, chances are you still will encounter difficult or toxic people and relationships. A helpful skill to learn when dealing with difficult, and even potentially unsafe, people is to practice taking a pause before responding to any intense emotions you may feel. Of course, if you’re facing an immediate safety risk, contact your local emergency authorities or a crisis hotline. (Visit our Other Resources page for more information about resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline for Mental Health Crises.) Taking a pause in emotionally charged situations can give you a short break to calm your mind and emotions so you can think more clearly about your best next steps. Sometimes, we can take longer pauses, such as if we can take an hour or so to cool down, or even a longer amount of time to seek out guidance from a trusted professional or loved one. However, often intense situations require quick responses, and we may not be able to take an extended break to fully process our thoughts and feelings. In these moments, even a brief pause can be helpful. Below are a few suggestions to begin practicing taking quick pauses when you’re facing intense emotions and situations. First, try to practice taking a “pause” even before you are faced with a situation in which you’ll need to use it, such as an interaction with your former abuser or another difficult person. This might involve simply thinking or writing some ideas ahead of time for what kind of pause strategies might work best for you. If you feel emotionally safe to do so, you might even try to imagine yourself in an intense situation, and then visualize yourself taking a calming pause to regroup in that imaginary situation. (If this kind of visualization is triggering to you right now, it’s okay to wait until you’re ready to use this technique.) One helpful strategy that some people find useful for taking a pause is to take a brief, but deep breath or two to help calm you in the moment. As you are taking your deep breaths, check in with yourself using the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is happening in my body? What is my gut reaction for how to respond? Would this response be helpful or unhelpful in this situation? You may not have time to fully explore all of these questions, so pick the one(s) that are most helpful to you at the moment. Another possible pause-taking tool is to physically ground yourself in your body at the present moment. For example, you might tune into all five senses (e.g., “What am I seeing, smelling, and tasting right now?”), notice your feet planted on the ground, or use a comforting self-touch, such as gently massaging your shoulders. Keep in mind that brief pauses often can’t give you enough time to fully process your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in a stressful situation. However, they can be helpful to stay calmer and make more thoughtful decisions about your responses during a challenging relationship situation. Later, when you have time and feel safe to do so, you can further explore what was happening in your mind, body, and emotions in the intense situation, as well as reflect on how well the steps you took to pause in the moment worked for you. You may find it helpful to connect with a trained mental health professional to process these intense experiences. Remember that it’s a brave step to take to reach out for help when needed, and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Taking a pause can be a valuable coping tool for survivors of abuse, as well as for anyone else who feels uncomfortable responding to intense emotions in the heat of the moment. This tool can be most helpful when we practice it before we actually need it so we’re ready to put it in play when intense, stressful situations arise. By Christine Murray
It’s a common experience among survivors of abusive relationships to feel like they've lost touch with who they are. I've met many survivors who, upon breaking free from their abusive relationships, felt extremely disconnected from themselves. I can personally relate to this experience. While I was in my past abusive relationship, I felt like I completely lost sight of who I truly was. Abusive partners are often very controlling, including over their partners’ decisions. This control--added to the lingering effects of emotional and other forms of abuse--can lead to a loss of self-expression and self-awareness. This leaves survivors feeling like they no longer have a clear sense of their preferences and interests. Reconnecting with oneself is a common part of the healing journey for many survivors. Whether this process begins during the relationship or after it ends, it involves rediscovering our identity and rebuilding a positive relationship with ourselves. However, the process of reconnecting with ourselves can be challenging and may take time. If you've been feeling disconnected from yourself, it's okay to take things one step at a time. Set aside moments for quiet reflection, even if it's just a few minutes each day or an hour a week. Use this time to explore your thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or counselor can also be helpful in this process. Keep an open mind toward your reactions and preferences. Notice whether the things you like and do are a reflection of your genuine desires or if they were imposed upon you by your abuser. Sometimes, getting to know ourselves again involves unlearning some habits and patterns. Consider revisiting past interests or activities that once brought you joy, but that you’ve lost touch with. Reconnecting with your past interests can be a helpful way to rediscover aspects of yourself and reclaim your sense of identity and purpose. Also, embrace opportunities to try new things and explore different experiences. Experiment with trying new activities, foods, hobbies, adventures, and interests. You might discover aspects of yourself that you hadn't explored before, and perhaps you’ll even stumble into some new passions. During the self-reconnection process, be gentle with yourself. It's normal for difficult emotions or memories to come up as you reconnect with your true self. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing is a journey that you can take at your own pace. Ultimately, getting to know yourself again after an abusive relationship is a journey of self-discovery and growth. Embrace this opportunity to reconnect with your true self, explore new possibilities, and gain a deeper sense of self-awareness and empowerment along your healing pathway. By Christine Murray
Negative self-talk, a common experience for many, can significantly impact our mental well-being. Survivors of abusive relationships may find themselves particularly susceptible to negative self-talk due to experiences of criticism and manipulation with their abusers. Negative self-talk occurs when our mind cycles through negative thought processes directed toward ourselves. It’s important to build skills for recognizing and challenging negative self-talk. When left unchecked, these negative self-talk patterns can hinder our healing progress, as well as potentially contribute to a lower sense of self-worth and diminish our sense of hope for a brighter future. If you find yourself stuck in negative self-talk patterns, the steps below are one approach to identifying, challenging, and replacing negative self-talk with more positive self-talk. As you’ll see below, an important first step is to slow down our thinking patterns so we create space to notice when negative thinking patterns are taking over. Therefore, start by setting aside time for quiet reflection. Then, practice the steps below to practice this process. You’ll find an example of the process along with each step below. Step 1: Identify a negative belief or statement that you have made toward yourself. Consider writing this belief or statement down in a journal. (Example: Nobody likes me for who I am.) Step 2: Challenge the negative belief or statement by reflecting on the following questions:
(Example: I have been myself around my true friends, and they genuinely appreciate me. One of my friends recently told me how much they enjoy my sense of humor.) Step 3: Replace your negative self-talk with a more positive, accurate statement. (Example: It's unrealistic to think that everyone will like me. However, I can be myself with the people who really matter, and they will accept me for who I am.) Step 4: Identify and practice steps to reinforce the positive self-talk. (Example: I can repeat this statement any time I notice the negative one in my mind.) Repeat the process as often as needed until it becomes more natural and automatic. Of course, every survivor is different, so feel free to adapt the steps or use any other approach that seems more helpful to you! Remember, healing is a journey unique to each person. Be patient and kind to yourself as you challenge negative self-talk and work toward building a more positive inner dialogue. By Christine Murray
Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room, yet feeling completely alone? Or perhaps you've had moments where you actually were alone, and the silence around you became deafening? Being alone (i.e., by yourself) is different from the often challenging and complicated feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is a complex emotion characterized by a feeling of disconnection and isolation from others. Loneliness often brings distress and a sense of separation, whether or not anyone else is around. In contrast, we can have peace and enjoy moments of solitude even when we are alone. For many survivors on the path of healing from abuse, loneliness can be a recurring and unwelcome companion. If loneliness feels overwhelming and highly distressing for you, reaching out for help is crucial. The 988 crisis helpline and our Other Resources page can help you find resources to search for a trained mental health professional who can offer support during challenging, lonely times. Loneliness can show up differently for each person. At its lowest points, it can be deeply uncomfortable or distressing, impacting our daily life and well-being. Many survivors know the feeling of loneliness from their experiences of being in an abusive relationship. The abusive dynamics can create an atmosphere of isolation and disconnection from others--which may have even been an intentional abuse tactic used by the abuser to gain and maintain control. Many possible factors can contribute to experiencing loneliness along the abuse recovery journey. Survivors may lack a supportive network of people who understand their experiences, leading to feelings of disconnection. Also, the lasting effects of abuse, such as lowered self-esteem and self-blame, can exacerbate feelings of isolation. Significant life changes, like moving to a new location or rebuilding social networks after leaving an abusive relationship, can also contribute to loneliness. The healing process itself, which often involves deep introspection and emotional work, can also intensify feelings of isolation as survivors navigate their inner worlds. It can feel difficult to connect with others when we are deeply working through our own thoughts and emotions. When facing loneliness, practice healthy coping strategies to process and move through these emotions along your journey, such as the following four approaches:
Loneliness is a universal human experience, and navigating loneliness with self-compassion and resilience is an important--although often challenging--part of the healing journey following an abusive relationship. Feeling lonely doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. In fact, being open to facing feelings like loneliness is a sign you’re growing and seeking healing. Loneliness can be a clue that you are seeking out healthier, more positive connections in your life, and that you recognize you deserve healthy support from the people around you. Remember, loneliness is just one part of your journey, and by acknowledging it, you're taking proactive steps towards creating a life that aligns with your values and aspirations By Christine Murray
Restful sleep is not just a luxury but a crucial component of your healing journey after experiencing something traumatic like an abusive relationship. Getting enough restful sleep is crucial for our overall well-being, especially when healing from the impact of an abusive relationship. The stress and trauma from experiences in an abusive relationship can disrupt sleep patterns, making it challenging to achieve peaceful and restorative rest. If you have trouble sleeping because of distressing thoughts or memories that arise at bedtime (or if you wake up in the middle of the night), consider incorporating intentional practices to clear your mind before bedtime, such as the "Mind Dump" technique described below. I’ve been using this technique myself for many years, and it’s really valuable at times when my mind has a hard time settling down, especially during times of stress. “Mind Dumping” has offered me a way to clear my mind, while also providing reassurance that I won’t forget important points that my mind is processing. Mind-clearing techniques are especially helpful when you combine them with other healthy sleep habits, such as keeping a pretty consistent bedtime and creating a comfortable sleep environment. In addition to these habits, dedicating a few minutes each night to intentionally clear your mind can help to ease your transition into a restful night’s sleep. Here's how you can practice the Mind Dump technique:
By incorporating mind-clearing techniques into your nightly routine, you can create more space for mental clarity and relaxation, paving the way for more restful and restorative sleep. Remember, prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being is an essential part of your healing journey, and a good night’s sleep can go a long way toward promoting your overall well-being. If you find that your sleep--or any other aspects of your overall well-being--continues to struggle even after using self-help strategies like this one, consider reaching out for help from a trained professional. Our Other Resources page offers some initial tools for seeking professional support along your healing journey. By Christine Murray Do you ever wish you could tell the person who hurt you just how much their harmful actions impacted your life? Often, people who use abusive behaviors in relationships aren’t receptive to hearing this information, but there is still a lot of value in expressing what’s on your mind. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing a journal page you can use to write a never-to-be-sent letter to the person who hurt you describing how their words and behaviors have impacted you. You can download this journal page at the bottom of this post. While at some point you might directly communicate some or all of your thoughts to the other person (if it is safe and wise to do so), in this exercise, it’s important to commit to writing your letter and never sharing it with them. This is so you’ll feel permission to say anything you need to say without being concerned with anyone else seeing what you’ve written. Be sure to take good care of yourself during this process. Writing a letter like this can be cathartic, but it also potentially can bring up uncomfortable or distressing emotions. You may find it helpful to review these two prior Source for Survivors blog posts before you work on your letter: Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered and Riding Emotional Roller Coasters. Once you’ve written your letter, consider what would be most helpful to you in terms of what to do with it. You might decide to hold on to it for a while so you can re-read your thoughts, or you may find some release in destroying it, such as by ripping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the trash. Keep in mind that this exercise, along with any other steps you take in your healing journey, are meant to be meaningful to you. So, give yourself permission to decide whether this would be helpful to you, and if so, how you can do it in a way that will be most helpful to you. Please click below if you’d like to download a free pdf copy of the journal page. I hope it’s a useful tool for you, now or at some point in the future! ![]()
By Christine Murray
Along your journey of healing from abuse, carefully consider the people you allow into your inner circle. Building a strong support network can be challenging, especially if you've experienced isolation as a result of abuse tactics that your abuser used. As much as possible, surround yourself with positive influences and limit the negative impact of unsupportive people. In today's post, I’ll share some suggestions for how to build the right team of support around you during your healing journey. Reflect on Your Current Support Network: Give some thought to the people currently in your life who offer support, including friends, family, acquaintances, and professionals such as counselors or legal advisors. Evaluate whether your current network meets your needs and identify any gaps in the level and types of support you’d like to have, as well as make note of any relationships that may be detrimental to your healing journey. If Possible, Rebuild Damaged Connections: If it feels healthy and safe to do so, consider reaching out to repair relationships that may have been strained or severed due to the dynamics of abuse. Understand that not everyone may be open to reconciliation, and trust that anyone who isn’t open to rebuilding a relationship is not meant to be part of your journey, at least at this time. Seek New Sources of Support: Be intentional about expanding your support network by seeking out new connections and resources. This may include attending support groups, joining social media communities for survivors, or building new friendships based on shared interests or beliefs, such as a hobby or within a spiritual or religious community. Remember that even a small, solid group of supporters can be invaluable to your healing process. Consider Professional Support: If possible, seek support from trained professionals, such as counselors or support group facilitators, especially if your informal supporters are limited right now. Professional support can offer individualized guidance and additional resources that can help meet your unique needs. Exercise Caution in Sharing Your Story: Be mindful of who you trust with your most personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Make note of any hurtful or unsupportive behavior from the people in your life. Take time to share your story with trusted individuals, and be prepared to set boundaries or distance yourself from anyone who violates your trust. Set Boundaries and Limit Negative Influences: Establish clear boundaries with individuals who detract from your healing journey, and consider reducing or cutting off contact if necessary. While ending relationships can be painful, it may be necessary at times if you know that someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for progress in your healing journey. Overall building the right support team is a really important aspect of your healing journey. Take time to nurture healthy relationships and seek out supporters who will empower and uplift you. Remember: You are deserving of compassionate, supportive individuals in your corner as you navigate your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Social media often gets a bad rap for its potential to create distress, leading us down the rabbit holes of comparison and mindless scrolling. For survivors of abusive relationships, navigating social media can sometimes feel like tiptoeing through a minefield of triggers and relational challenges. However, despite the potential pitfalls, social media is an integral part of many of our daily lives. Because of this, it's crucial to consider how we can leverage it as a tool to support our healing journey while mitigating its harmful effects. Personally, I've found that by taking proactive steps to manage how I engage with social media, it has become a powerful tool for connection, information, and inspiration in my own healing journey - even though, admittedly, sometimes it does still create stress and challenges as well! Here are some strategies that have worked for me, and I'd also love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how you think survivors can use social media to promote their healing.
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