By Christine Murray
A couple of weeks back in the Pathway for Survivors Blog, I wrote a post called, “Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser.” In that post, I shared some ways survivors can mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially prepare for times when they can’t avoid interacting with their abusers. Facing an interaction with your abuser is just one of many potentially emotionally challenging situations that survivors may encounter along their healing journeys. A few other examples might include facing a court date, moments of loneliness and isolation, stressful parenting situations, financial difficulties, and life changes like moving or starting a new job. In addition to general emotional regulation strategies that are helpful to build along the healing journey, it also can be valuable to develop our own quick “reset buttons” or quick tools you can use to process your reactions to them immediately following the interaction. These "emotional reset buttons" are essentially tools that allow you to process your immediate reactions to a difficult interaction or experience, so you can re-center yourself and move forward with your day. While these resets aren’t designed to fully address or heal the emotions tied to the event—that deeper work often requires time and reflection—they can be a powerful way to help you recover in the moment. A reset can prevent an emotionally challenging experience from overshadowing the rest of your day. So, what might these emotional resets look like? Here are a few examples:
Whether it’s an interaction with a former abuser, a tough conversation with another negative person in your life, or any other emotionally challenging situation, developing these reset tools can be a crucial part of your healing journey. They serve as immediate, actionable ways to re-center yourself and regain a sense of control after being emotionally impacted by an event. While these resets may not address all the deeper emotions tied to the situation, they do help create space for peace and clarity. Later, you can return to more in-depth processing if needed. In the meantime, these small actions can help protect your emotional well-being in the moment, allowing you to move forward with your day rather than being derailed by painful or triggering experiences. Ultimately, healing is a complex, non-linear journey. By incorporating emotional resets into your toolkit, you give yourself the gift of compassion and self-care, allowing you to navigate emotionally intense challenges with greater ease.
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Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser10/22/2024 By Christine Murray
Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to see or interact with your abuser again? For some survivors, this is possible, and going no-contact is often recommended in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. However, for many survivors, going completely no-contact is simply not possible. For example, survivors may share custody of children with their abuser. Or, they may live in a small community where avoiding someone can be difficult, if not impossible. It’s also possible that survivors may face interactions with their abusers, such as if they share mutual friends or have some interactions due to work responsibilities. And, even when survivors do all they can to avoid interacting with their abusers, many abusers are quite persistent in trying to stay in communication and may reach out via phone, text, email, and other means. (Of course, if you are facing ongoing safety risks due to stalking, harassment, and other ongoing forms of abuse, consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and assistance with developing a safety plan.) If you are in a position where you are likely to face in-person or other interactions with your abuser, this can be a very frustrating and distressing position to be in. It may not be possible to avoid all the distress that can come with interacting with your abuser. However, it is possible to take steps to prepare yourself for this interaction to help buffer yourself and promote your emotional well-being, even amid this potentially distressing situation. You can help yourself set and maintain boundaries to prepare in advance when you are heading into an interaction with your abuser. Of course, sometimes encounters with the other person will take you by surprise, so you may not always be able to prepare in advance for interactions with your abuser. However, there are likely many times you’ll be dealing with them that you know that interaction is coming. Practice the following advanced preparation strategies to determine which ones work well for you. Mental preparations are important when anticipating an encounter with your former abuser. Consider starting by setting an intention or reciting a positive affirmation to establish a constructive mindset before the interaction. It can also be helpful to rehearse any key points you want to communicate, thinking through how to express them respectfully and clearly. This mental rehearsal can include preparing for how you might respond if the other person treats you with disrespect or reverts to abusive words or actions. By mentally equipping yourself with these strategies, you can enter the interaction with greater confidence and clarity. Physical preparations are also important, as your body’s response to stress can significantly impact how you handle the situation. Taking deep, calming breaths can help center you, reducing anxiety and grounding you in the moment. Engaging in a quick burst of physical exercise, such as a brisk walk or a few jumping jacks, can also help to release nervous energy and calm your mind and body. These physical preparations not only help you manage immediate stress but also empower you to approach the interaction with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor. Emotional preparations include giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise before, during, and after the interaction. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and to focus on regulating them as best as you can. By practicing emotional regulation, you increase your ability to maintain composure, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively to any harmful words or actions that your abuser uses. This self-awareness and emotional preparation can help you navigate the interaction with greater resilience and self-compassion. Lastly, social preparations can provide an additional layer of support. If possible, consider involving a trusted person, such as a friend or family member, who can accompany you during the interaction. Their presence can offer reassurance and provide a buffer against the toxicity of any negative interactions. Alternatively, you might arrange to have a support person “on call,” ready to talk to you afterward if you need to process your emotions or seek comfort. This social support can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated and more grounded during and after the encounter. Once you’ve reviewed the above ideas to prepare in advance for encounters with your abuser, brainstorm other ideas that could work well for you. Also, if you do face distress during or after the interaction, consider ways that you can process your reactions and emotions in a healthy, self-supportive manner. This is also a topic that I’ll plan to cover in an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post, so stay tuned for more information on that. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to review the information I shared in my previous post on the topic of Emotional Regulation. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can impact your mental and emotional health, leaving many survivors feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. The emotional roller coaster of the healing journey often spills over into other areas of our lives as survivors. Despite these challenges, there is hope. You can navigate these difficult experiences positively by taking good care of yourself, especially by building a diverse, effective toolkit of coping resources that work well for you. This blog post offers steps to help with exploring different coping strategies and other tools to support your healing journey. Assess the Toll on Your Well-Being. Start with an honest, self-compassionate reflection on the impact of the abusive relationship on your well-being. This kind of self-reflection is useful for identifying areas where intentional healing is needed, along with possible coping tools and strategies that might help you process your experiences and manage any distress you feel. Set, Communicate, and Maintain Boundaries. Abusive relationships often involve unhealthy boundaries, including chaotic, unclear, or overly rigid ones. Learning to define, establish, and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for promoting positive relationships and minimizing the negative impacts of abusive ones. Consider any boundaries you may want or need to put in place in any and all areas of your life to help you establish a sense of calm and self-direction. Acknowledge and Process Difficult Emotions. Abusive relationships can lead to complicated and challenging emotional consequences, such as anger, hurt, and ambivalence. Coping tools can help you explore difficult emotions and identify healthy ways to acknowledge and process them, which is often a key part of coping with and healing from an abusive relationship. Practice Self-Care and Self-Love. Abusive relationships often lead to neglecting self-care and self-love as you focus on navigating the harmful actions of the abuser. For many survivors, their abuser's actions may have affected their sense of self-worth. However, practicing self-care regularly is vital for both coping and recovery. Taking intentional steps to care for and love yourself is an important part of the healing process. Build and Prioritize Healthy Relationships. Healthy relationships can be a powerful source of support when healing from abusive ones. Abuse can erode your confidence in building and maintaining healthy relationships, and many abusers use isolation as a tactic for gaining power and control over their partners. By increasing your skills and knowledge about fostering positive relationships, you can enjoy many positive interactions and navigate difficult ones more effectively. Although strong relationship skills do not guarantee you can fully avoid unhealthy relationships, they can significantly enhance your ability to build and sustain healthy ones. My team and I have developed the Healthy Relationships Initiative, which I’ll link here as one possible resource for learning about healthy relationship skills and information: https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/. Conclusion Remember: Your own coping and healing journey is unique. It can take some time, practice, and experimenting with different coping strategies to figure out what tools will be most helpful to you, and the tools you need might varying different kinds of situations. There is no single "right" way to heal from an abusive relationship. Be intentional about addressing any thoughts or feelings that arise during your healing journey. Abusive relationships are tough, and the healing process can be equally challenging. Practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate your path to recovery. By Christine Murray
The journey of healing and recovering from past abuse unfolds differently for each survivor. It's a path that requires patience and perseverance because, for many of us as survivors, there are no quick fixes or shortcuts to healing. In our busy lives, finding dedicated time for healing can seem daunting. Yet, as we highlight in the Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model, committing to a long-term perspective is beneficial. Over time, deliberate steps we take toward healing, no matter how big or small, lay the foundation for progress and shifts along our healing journey. Today's blog explores practical steps—what I refer to as "healing accelerators"—that can gently help us move forward in our healing journey. Acceleration, in this context, isn't just about speeding up time. Instead, I’m referring to intentional investments of our space and energy into our healing process. These strategies are designed to support us in moving forward and nurturing our progress with care and purpose. Setting Aside Dedicated Time. Finding time for healing amidst life's demands can be challenging. However, even small doses of intentionally-spent time, like a few minutes daily or an hour weekly, can significantly impact your healing journey. Consider scheduling a weekend retreat or time to join a monthly support group as potential ways to prioritize your healing. Seeking Specialized Counseling. Working with a therapist trained in trauma and abuse recovery can be extremely helpful. Look for mental health professionals who are experienced and well-trained in these areas so you can seek out specialized support tailored to your needs. If you find a potential counselor who seems like they may be a good fit, feel free to ask about their training and experience in these topics to help you decide if they will understand your experiences. Connecting with Peer Support. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be invaluable. Peer support groups, whether online or in person, can offer understanding and solidarity, as well as you that you are not alone in your journey. Building Coping Skills. Equipping yourself with a variety of coping strategies is useful for navigating the emotional intensity of healing. From communication tools to relaxation techniques, developing these skills supports not only your healing journey, but they also can enhance your overall resilience in life. Mindful Emotional Processing. Deeply engaging with our emotions is important for healing. Of course, it’s important to promote your emotional safety while exploring complicated, often distressing emotions. Acknowledging triggers and seeking appropriate support (e.g., from a trained counselor or a crisis hotline) when needed supports our emotional resilience and guides us toward meaningful progress in our healing journey. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Setting boundaries can help us to protect our well-being. Survivors may need to set boundaries with their former abusers if they still need to have contact with them (e.g., when they share children), as well as boundaries in the context of stressful or toxic other relationships, such as with friends, family members, or coworkers. Learning to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries is important for maintaining a “buffer zone” around us that supports our healing process. Educating Yourself. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the healing process can empower you with insights into your own experiences. Learning new information often provides clarity and different perspectives, aiding in the journey toward healing and self-understanding. Reflective Practices. Regular journaling and self-reflection can deepen your understanding of yourself and your healing progress. Taking time to check in with your emotions and experiences can help us to gain self-awareness and personal growth. Conclusion There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and these accelerators may not be helpful for everyone. Healing accelerators can serve as intentional practices that can support and enrich the abuse recovery journey. I invite readers to share other ideas for healing accelerators in the comments below. Thank you for being part of our community as we aim to offer support and guidance for survivors along the healing journey. By Christine Murray
Emotions during the healing process from an abusive relationship can be overwhelmingly intense. I know this from my healing journey as a survivor, as well as through my work in the mental health and domestic violence fields. As a mental health professional, I'm an advocate for seeking professional support, such as counseling and crisis hotlines, as a helpful strategy for support with navigating intense emotions. Having professional support to consider how to personalize and apply general tools (like self-soothing, which I’ll cover in today’s post) to your unique circumstances also can be incredibly beneficial. While seeking support from professionals and compassionate loved ones is helpful, developing the capacity to self-soothe during the healing journey is very valuable as well. Intense emotional reactions are natural responses to the trauma of abusive relationships, so it’s understandable why powerful (and at times, distressing) emotions can be part of the healing process. Self-soothing can be a key tool in managing our intense emotions, as it helps to create more inner peace, clarity in our decisions, and progress toward healing. Self-soothing, in essence, refers to strategies, tools, and skills used during moments of intense, often uncomfortable emotions that lead to mental, emotional, or physical distress. Let's explore some practical ways to incorporate self-soothing into our healing toolkits as survivors of abusive relationships:
Integrating self-soothing into the healing journey can empower survivors with valuable tools to navigate intense emotions effectively. Remember, it takes a healthy balance of self-reliance and seeking support from others that can lead to our overall healing. In the comments below, I invite you to share your insights on self-soothing and other supportive concepts that survivors can use along their healing journeys. Your contributions enrich our Source for Survivors community and offer valuable support to fellow survivors. Healing from abusive relationships is a complex and emotional process. The Source for Survivors remains committed to providing valuable support and addressing topics that matter to our community. We welcome your suggestions for future blog topics as we continue this journey together. By Christine Murray
People who perpetrate abuse in intimate relationships often use a variety of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. Some of these are blatant and severe - such as using physical violence, sexual assault, or blatantly abusive and harmful words to diminish their partners. Whether or not these blatant forms of abuse are present, there is often an underlying pattern of subtle tricks or tactics that abusers often use to create the context for their abuse. In today’s post, we’ll explore some of these tactics, which often overlap with behaviors that could be considered emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically abusive. Keep in mind that every person’s experiences are unique, and the abuse tactics that are present in abusive relationships can vary widely. The behaviors that are listed below are only a starting point for recognizing patterns of abuse that may have impacted you if you’re a survivor, or someone you’re supporting, such as if you’ve got a friend or family member who has experienced an abusive relationship. Let’s take a look at some of these patterns: Manipulation: Abusers often manipulate through kindness, using compliments or gifts as tools for manipulation. Generating Conflict: Abusers thrive on conflict, stirring up fights or escalating minor issues into major battles. Avoiding Responsibility: Abusers typically refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blaming others or denying the harm they cause. Passive-Aggression: They may express aggression indirectly, using tones or behaviors to convey hostility. Invalidating Feelings: Abusers often disregard others' emotions, dismissing them as invalid or "too sensitive." Cruel Criticism: They resort to hurtful criticisms or put-downs, targeting sensitive areas to inflict maximum pain. Gaslighting and Undermining Your Reality: Abusers distort reality, denying events or emotions to undermine their victim's perception. Boundary Violations: They disregard boundaries, crossing emotional, behavioral, or physical lines repeatedly. Draining Your Energy: Interactions with abusers leave victims feeling emotionally and physically drained. Withholding Positivity: Abusers withhold positive attention, neglecting emotional needs and creating a void in the relationship. Interfering in Relationships: They may interfere in their partners’ relationships, isolating them and/or damaging their connections. Recognizing these patterns is important for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships. While all relationships face challenges, abuse goes beyond typical conflicts. Abusers typically resist change, refuse accountability, and create overwhelmingly confusing and negative environments. If you recognize the patterns above - or others that have a similar vibe or feel even if they're note listed - consider seeking additional support to evaluate your experiences and consider how to promote your own safety or the safety of a survivor you're supporting. By Christine Murray
A common misconception about abusive relationships is that the abuse ends when the relationship does. Unfortunately, for many survivors, especially those who share children with their former abusers, the journey to healing and safety continues long after the relationship ends. Ongoing abuse, often termed post-separation abuse, can be deeply challenging and requires specific strategies and support, especially for survivors who share children with their abusers. Understanding the Challenges Parenting children who are shared with an abuser is a complex and often tumultuous path. If you find yourself in this situation, know that your frustrations and struggles are valid and shared by many survivors. For supporters (such as friends, family members, and professionals), educating yourself on these dynamics is crucial to offering effective support while understanding the unique challenges that impact survivors and their children’s safety and well-being. The experiences of survivors who share children with their abusers vary widely, influenced by factors such as the number and ages of the children, how ongoing contact is required, court involvement, social support, and more. However, there are many common challenges that survivors might face, highlighting the ongoing impact of abuse even after the relationship ends. One significant challenge for many survivors is the use of court systems by abusers, especially regarding child custody. Abusers may file frivolous or repeated custody cases, prolonging legal processes, draining resources, and using these avenues to diminish the survivor’s parental role and perpetuate abuse. Survivors navigating this legal minefield often find it traumatic and exhausting, emphasizing the need for robust support systems and ongoing self-care strategies. Beyond legal battles, survivors parenting with their abusers may face other challenges that include ongoing safety threats, both physical and emotional. Abusers also may use children as pawns to carry out further abuse, making threats or using communications and custody exchanges to harass or intimidate. Parental alienation, where abusers attempt to turn children against the survivor, is another abuse tactic that can harm both the survivor-child relationship and the child’s well-being. Strategies for Safety and Well-Being In light of all of these potential challenges, survivors and their supporters can take proactive steps to promote safety and well-being in the context of parenting when children are shared with an abuser.
Moving Forward with Resilience Parenting alongside an abusive former partner is undeniably challenging, but it’s possible to navigate this journey with resilience and intentionality. By accessing support, educating yourself, prioritizing your and your children’s safety, using strategic communication strategies, practicing self-care, and celebrating positive moments, you can promote your well-being and that of your children. While the road ahead may be long, remember that you are not alone. Seek help when needed, connect with supportive communities, and take proactive steps to create a safe and nurturing environment for yourself and your children. And finally, we know that the topic of parenting when survivors share children with their abusers is a huge one. Fully exploring this topic goes far beyond a single blog post. If you have a specific question or topic related to this subject that you’d like us to consider for a future Source for Survivors blog post, remember that we welcome suggestions through our “What’s On Your Mind?” series. You can learn more and submit a question anonymously using the following Google form: https://forms.gle/5iLvZP8KP2o4wcf78. Please keep in mind that we will not be able to provide individual responses to questions submitted here. For the questions we do cover, the guidance offered will be general in nature and designed to address anyone who may be facing a similar question or concern. By Christine Murray
“The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” —Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe While there can be beauty in moments of solitude, loneliness and isolation are often a different story, especially for people who deeply crave positive, healthy sources of connection with others. Feeling deeply isolated is a common experience for survivors of abusive relationships, both during and after the relationship ends. You might find yourself looking around and realizing that many of your past relationships have fallen away, leaving you feeling very alone. This sense of isolation is normal and understandable, stemming from the dynamics of abuse that often include isolation as a tactic. Isolation as an Abuse Tactic Abusers frequently use isolation as a means of gaining power and control over their partners. By cutting off their partners from friends, family, and support networks, abusers create an environment where their harmful behaviors can go unchecked. Signs that isolation may have been used against you include being kept from seeing your friends or family, having your relationships disparaged, or being physically moved away from sources of support, such as your partner making you move with them to another town that’s far away from your friends and family members. The Consequences of Isolation Isolation not only serves as an abusive tactic, but it can also become a significant consequence of abuse over time. Survivors may find themselves distanced from friends and family members due to the dynamics of the abusive relationship or their own withdrawal over time. Also, controlling partners may limit survivors' opportunities to build new relationships or maintain existing ones. Steps to Reduce Isolation and Foster Support
Taking Time and Keeping Perspective Building meaningful relationships takes time, especially for survivors who may have experienced broken trust or trauma. Take the time you need to get to know people gradually and figure out which connections are safe and supportive for you. Conclusion Rebuilding your social network after abuse can be overwhelming, but remember that you deserve healthy, positive relationships in your life. While it may take time and effort, nurturing these connections can offer healing and support along your journey. By Christine Murray
The experience of being emotionally triggered is common for many survivors along the journey of recovering from past abuse. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about “Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered.” Many different types of situations and circumstances can lead to feeling emotionally or physiologically triggered. Sometimes, these are directly connected to past experiences of abuse, such as seeing or interacting with your former abuser or having a memory of something that happened in the context of that relationship. At other times, triggers can arise in more indirectly related situations, such as if you experience a similar dynamic with another person (e.g., a toxic workplace culture) or something that reminds you of feelings that you faced in connection with your experiences of abuse. In my personal experiences, one unexpected area of my life in which I’ve experienced triggering events has been in my parenting. When I first started experiencing this, I was surprised and had a hard time admitting that experiences with my children could trigger emotional reactions that were reminiscent of my past traumatic experiences. How could my sweet children be having this impact on me? It turns out that I’m not alone. As I first wrote about this topic several years ago in a blog post for Triad Moms on Main, “Parenting is one of the areas in which traumatic effects can surface, but parents with a history of trauma may struggle to understand how they can navigate their past trauma amid the demands of their current parenting.” Even for parents (and other caregivers) without any trauma history, parenting is no easy feat! As many people have said before, parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world. It’s natural for all parents--whether or not they’ve ever experienced a traumatic event--to feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. For survivors of past abusive relationships, the intense emotions that can arise along the healing journey can add to the complexities of parenting. This is especially true when power struggles arise in parenting situations. Abusive relationships have an underlying dynamic of power and control issues, as abusers use a variety of abusive tactics to gain and maintain power over their targeted victims. Because of this, the abuse recovery process for survivors often involves gaining a greater sense of self-empowerment and freedom that they weren’t able to experience in their abusive relationship. From a developmental perspective, power struggles between children and their parents are a common and natural part of children growing up to become independent adults. Power struggles can look different at different ages. A toddler might throw a tantrum when they don’t want to do what their parent is asking them to do, whereas a teenager may tune into their phone or withdraw to their room to create space from their parent. Even when parents understand their children’s developmental motives behind the parenting power struggles that might arise, they can feel confused and overwhelmed when these struggles arise. This is true for all parents, but for parents with a history of the control dynamics involved in abusive relationships, emotional reactions can be intensified and become a triggering event. If you find parenting power struggles to be triggers for you, here are a few steps that I’ve found helpful to navigate these situations with as much ease and confidence as possible:
While parenting can be a rewarding and meaningful part of life, this doesn’t mean it is without its challenges. One of those challenges for survivors who are parenting is the potential for emotionally triggering events during power struggles with our children. While parenting-related triggers may not be avoidable, we can be intentional about (1) recognizing them, (2) responding to them in healthy ways, and (3) learning from them. In this way, we can continue to grow to become more present with our children, as well as to move further along in our healing journeys. By Christine Murray
If you’re healing from the immediate or long-term effects of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster at times. As I’ve discussed before throughout this blog, it’s so important to practice self-care and process our emotions while we are on the journey of healing from past abuse. Many survivors, such as those who share children with their former abuser, may need to stay in contact with their abusers even long after the relationship ends. Even if you’ve been able to cut off all contact with your former abuser, chances are you still will encounter difficult or toxic people and relationships. A helpful skill to learn when dealing with difficult, and even potentially unsafe, people is to practice taking a pause before responding to any intense emotions you may feel. Of course, if you’re facing an immediate safety risk, contact your local emergency authorities or a crisis hotline. (Visit our Other Resources page for more information about resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline for Mental Health Crises.) Taking a pause in emotionally charged situations can give you a short break to calm your mind and emotions so you can think more clearly about your best next steps. Sometimes, we can take longer pauses, such as if we can take an hour or so to cool down, or even a longer amount of time to seek out guidance from a trusted professional or loved one. However, often intense situations require quick responses, and we may not be able to take an extended break to fully process our thoughts and feelings. In these moments, even a brief pause can be helpful. Below are a few suggestions to begin practicing taking quick pauses when you’re facing intense emotions and situations. First, try to practice taking a “pause” even before you are faced with a situation in which you’ll need to use it, such as an interaction with your former abuser or another difficult person. This might involve simply thinking or writing some ideas ahead of time for what kind of pause strategies might work best for you. If you feel emotionally safe to do so, you might even try to imagine yourself in an intense situation, and then visualize yourself taking a calming pause to regroup in that imaginary situation. (If this kind of visualization is triggering to you right now, it’s okay to wait until you’re ready to use this technique.) One helpful strategy that some people find useful for taking a pause is to take a brief, but deep breath or two to help calm you in the moment. As you are taking your deep breaths, check in with yourself using the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is happening in my body? What is my gut reaction for how to respond? Would this response be helpful or unhelpful in this situation? You may not have time to fully explore all of these questions, so pick the one(s) that are most helpful to you at the moment. Another possible pause-taking tool is to physically ground yourself in your body at the present moment. For example, you might tune into all five senses (e.g., “What am I seeing, smelling, and tasting right now?”), notice your feet planted on the ground, or use a comforting self-touch, such as gently massaging your shoulders. Keep in mind that brief pauses often can’t give you enough time to fully process your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in a stressful situation. However, they can be helpful to stay calmer and make more thoughtful decisions about your responses during a challenging relationship situation. Later, when you have time and feel safe to do so, you can further explore what was happening in your mind, body, and emotions in the intense situation, as well as reflect on how well the steps you took to pause in the moment worked for you. You may find it helpful to connect with a trained mental health professional to process these intense experiences. Remember that it’s a brave step to take to reach out for help when needed, and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Taking a pause can be a valuable coping tool for survivors of abuse, as well as for anyone else who feels uncomfortable responding to intense emotions in the heat of the moment. This tool can be most helpful when we practice it before we actually need it so we’re ready to put it in play when intense, stressful situations arise. |
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