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By Christine Murray
The journey of healing from a past abusive relationship can be complicated, long, and winding. I’ve often wished there was a simple 5-step checklist that could lead to healing: First you do this, then that, and eventually, you’re healed! If only the healing journey were that straightforward. In reality, each survivor's healing journey is unique. It's common to experience moments of significant progress, times of slow but steady improvement, and even setbacks. While the giant leaps forward in our healing journey may be the most exciting and easiest to celebrate, all parts of our healing journeys are meaningful and opportunities for growth. Embracing the Journey Every step along the way is an opportunity for growth, even the challenging ones. Sometimes we grow in ways we wish we didn't have to, especially when we’re responding to challenges. It would be nice to wave a magic wand and quickly pass through some of these difficulties, but in hindsight, some of the most difficult moments are also the greatest opportunities for self-awareness, learning valuable life lessons, and discovering inner strength we never knew we had. Although we may wish we weren’t on this journey because it means we experienced abuse, there's something meaningful about being on a journey filled with moments for healing and gaining insight - even if we didn’t choose it. Unique and Personal Journeys One unique aspect of healing from abuse is that each journey is completely personal. My journey is different from yours, and your journey is unique from any other survivor's. While this uniqueness might seem frustrating because it can be harder to learn from each other’s experiences, it also allows us to make the healing process our own. This individuality is valuable because it allows us to get to know ourselves better and understand our unique experiences while navigating this journey. After an abusive relationship, it’s common to lose touch with ourselves, as abusers often chip away at our self-worth and self-esteem. As I’ve discussed here in the blog before, it’s not uncommon to have to get to know ourselves again along the healing journey. Our unique perspectives and experiences provide opportunities to connect with ourselves and gain insight. For example, each of us will find meaning and healing in different sources. Some people love meditation, while others find it challenging to embrace the stillness it brings. Some find comfort in religious or spiritual beliefs, while others don’t. Our relationships, the support we receive, and the healing pathways we take will differ for each person. This complexity, while at times challenging, allows us to observe our experiences and what resonates with us, offering opportunities for deeper self-connection and insight. Giving Ourselves Time to Heal Embracing the winding road of the healing journey allows us to give ourselves the time we need to heal, at our own unique pace. Abusive relationships are often intense and long-lasting. For most survivors, it’s unrealistic to expect a quick and easy recovery from such profound experiences. Embracing the winding road means giving ourselves permission to move at our own pace, without a set timeline or rigid steps to follow. This approach helps us to deeply and meaningfully recover and grow stronger than before. Throughout the healing journey, we may experience giant leaps forward that are exciting. At other times, progress may come in tiny baby steps that feel frustratingly slow. Sometimes, we may even face setbacks, taking two steps forward and three steps back. These are all natural parts of the long, complicated, but ultimately triumphant process toward growth and renewal. Moving Forward Wherever you are on your healing journey, and whatever your journey has looked like so far, I invite you to embrace the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the forward steps, and the setbacks. Trust that even in the most uncertain moments, we are still moving forward toward healing and hope for a brighter future.
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By Christine Murray “The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” —Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe While there can be beauty in moments of solitude, loneliness and isolation are often a different story, especially for people who deeply crave positive, healthy sources of connection with others. Feeling deeply isolated is a common experience for survivors of abusive relationships, both during and after the relationship ends. You might find yourself looking around and realizing that many of your past relationships have fallen away, leaving you feeling very alone. This sense of isolation is normal and understandable, stemming from the dynamics of abuse that often include isolation as a tactic. Isolation as an Abuse Tactic Abusers frequently use isolation as a means of gaining power and control over their partners. By cutting off their partners from friends, family, and support networks, abusers create an environment where their harmful behaviors can go unchecked. Signs that isolation may have been used against you include being kept from seeing your friends or family, having your relationships disparaged, or being physically moved away from sources of support, such as your partner making you move with them to another town that’s far away from your friends and family members. The Consequences of Isolation Isolation not only serves as an abusive tactic, but it can also become a significant consequence of abuse over time. Survivors may find themselves distanced from friends and family members due to the dynamics of the abusive relationship or their own withdrawal over time. Also, controlling partners may limit survivors' opportunities to build new relationships or maintain existing ones. Steps to Reduce Isolation and Foster Support
Taking Time and Keeping Perspective Building meaningful relationships takes time, especially for survivors who may have experienced broken trust or trauma. Take the time you need to get to know people gradually and figure out which connections are safe and supportive for you. Conclusion Rebuilding your social network after abuse can be overwhelming, but remember that you deserve healthy, positive relationships in your life. While it may take time and effort, nurturing these connections can offer healing and support along your journey.   By Christine Murray
The experience of being emotionally triggered is common for many survivors along the journey of recovering from past abuse. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about “Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered.” Many different types of situations and circumstances can lead to feeling emotionally or physiologically triggered. Sometimes, these are directly connected to past experiences of abuse, such as seeing or interacting with your former abuser or having a memory of something that happened in the context of that relationship. At other times, triggers can arise in more indirectly related situations, such as if you experience a similar dynamic with another person (e.g., a toxic workplace culture) or something that reminds you of feelings that you faced in connection with your experiences of abuse. In my personal experiences, one unexpected area of my life in which I’ve experienced triggering events has been in my parenting. When I first started experiencing this, I was surprised and had a hard time admitting that experiences with my children could trigger emotional reactions that were reminiscent of my past traumatic experiences. How could my sweet children be having this impact on me? It turns out that I’m not alone. As I first wrote about this topic several years ago in a blog post for Triad Moms on Main, “Parenting is one of the areas in which traumatic effects can surface, but parents with a history of trauma may struggle to understand how they can navigate their past trauma amid the demands of their current parenting.” Even for parents (and other caregivers) without any trauma history, parenting is no easy feat! As many people have said before, parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world. It’s natural for all parents--whether or not they’ve ever experienced a traumatic event--to feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. For survivors of past abusive relationships, the intense emotions that can arise along the healing journey can add to the complexities of parenting. This is especially true when power struggles arise in parenting situations. Abusive relationships have an underlying dynamic of power and control issues, as abusers use a variety of abusive tactics to gain and maintain power over their targeted victims. Because of this, the abuse recovery process for survivors often involves gaining a greater sense of self-empowerment and freedom that they weren’t able to experience in their abusive relationship. From a developmental perspective, power struggles between children and their parents are a common and natural part of children growing up to become independent adults. Power struggles can look different at different ages. A toddler might throw a tantrum when they don’t want to do what their parent is asking them to do, whereas a teenager may tune into their phone or withdraw to their room to create space from their parent. Even when parents understand their children’s developmental motives behind the parenting power struggles that might arise, they can feel confused and overwhelmed when these struggles arise. This is true for all parents, but for parents with a history of the control dynamics involved in abusive relationships, emotional reactions can be intensified and become a triggering event. If you find parenting power struggles to be triggers for you, here are a few steps that I’ve found helpful to navigate these situations with as much ease and confidence as possible:
While parenting can be a rewarding and meaningful part of life, this doesn’t mean it is without its challenges. One of those challenges for survivors who are parenting is the potential for emotionally triggering events during power struggles with our children. While parenting-related triggers may not be avoidable, we can be intentional about (1) recognizing them, (2) responding to them in healthy ways, and (3) learning from them. In this way, we can continue to grow to become more present with our children, as well as to move further along in our healing journeys.  By Christine Murray
If you’re healing from the immediate or long-term effects of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster at times. As I’ve discussed before throughout this blog, it’s so important to practice self-care and process our emotions while we are on the journey of healing from past abuse. Many survivors, such as those who share children with their former abuser, may need to stay in contact with their abusers even long after the relationship ends. Even if you’ve been able to cut off all contact with your former abuser, chances are you still will encounter difficult or toxic people and relationships. A helpful skill to learn when dealing with difficult, and even potentially unsafe, people is to practice taking a pause before responding to any intense emotions you may feel. Of course, if you’re facing an immediate safety risk, contact your local emergency authorities or a crisis hotline. (Visit our Other Resources page for more information about resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline for Mental Health Crises.) Taking a pause in emotionally charged situations can give you a short break to calm your mind and emotions so you can think more clearly about your best next steps. Sometimes, we can take longer pauses, such as if we can take an hour or so to cool down, or even a longer amount of time to seek out guidance from a trusted professional or loved one. However, often intense situations require quick responses, and we may not be able to take an extended break to fully process our thoughts and feelings. In these moments, even a brief pause can be helpful. Below are a few suggestions to begin practicing taking quick pauses when you’re facing intense emotions and situations. First, try to practice taking a “pause” even before you are faced with a situation in which you’ll need to use it, such as an interaction with your former abuser or another difficult person. This might involve simply thinking or writing some ideas ahead of time for what kind of pause strategies might work best for you. If you feel emotionally safe to do so, you might even try to imagine yourself in an intense situation, and then visualize yourself taking a calming pause to regroup in that imaginary situation. (If this kind of visualization is triggering to you right now, it’s okay to wait until you’re ready to use this technique.) One helpful strategy that some people find useful for taking a pause is to take a brief, but deep breath or two to help calm you in the moment. As you are taking your deep breaths, check in with yourself using the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is happening in my body? What is my gut reaction for how to respond? Would this response be helpful or unhelpful in this situation? You may not have time to fully explore all of these questions, so pick the one(s) that are most helpful to you at the moment. Another possible pause-taking tool is to physically ground yourself in your body at the present moment. For example, you might tune into all five senses (e.g., “What am I seeing, smelling, and tasting right now?”), notice your feet planted on the ground, or use a comforting self-touch, such as gently massaging your shoulders. Keep in mind that brief pauses often can’t give you enough time to fully process your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in a stressful situation. However, they can be helpful to stay calmer and make more thoughtful decisions about your responses during a challenging relationship situation. Later, when you have time and feel safe to do so, you can further explore what was happening in your mind, body, and emotions in the intense situation, as well as reflect on how well the steps you took to pause in the moment worked for you. You may find it helpful to connect with a trained mental health professional to process these intense experiences. Remember that it’s a brave step to take to reach out for help when needed, and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Taking a pause can be a valuable coping tool for survivors of abuse, as well as for anyone else who feels uncomfortable responding to intense emotions in the heat of the moment. This tool can be most helpful when we practice it before we actually need it so we’re ready to put it in play when intense, stressful situations arise. |
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