 By Christine Murray Do you ever wish you could tell the person who hurt you just how much their harmful actions impacted your life? Often, people who use abusive behaviors in relationships aren’t receptive to hearing this information, but there is still a lot of value in expressing what’s on your mind. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing a journal page you can use to write a never-to-be-sent letter to the person who hurt you describing how their words and behaviors have impacted you. You can download this journal page at the bottom of this post. While at some point you might directly communicate some or all of your thoughts to the other person (if it is safe and wise to do so), in this exercise, it’s important to commit to writing your letter and never sharing it with them. This is so you’ll feel permission to say anything you need to say without being concerned with anyone else seeing what you’ve written. Be sure to take good care of yourself during this process. Writing a letter like this can be cathartic, but it also potentially can bring up uncomfortable or distressing emotions. You may find it helpful to review these two prior Source for Survivors blog posts before you work on your letter: Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered and Riding Emotional Roller Coasters. Once you’ve written your letter, consider what would be most helpful to you in terms of what to do with it. You might decide to hold on to it for a while so you can re-read your thoughts, or you may find some release in destroying it, such as by ripping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the trash. Keep in mind that this exercise, along with any other steps you take in your healing journey, are meant to be meaningful to you. So, give yourself permission to decide whether this would be helpful to you, and if so, how you can do it in a way that will be most helpful to you. Please click below if you’d like to download a free pdf copy of the journal page. I hope it’s a useful tool for you, now or at some point in the future! 
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By Christine Murray
As a trained mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist, I’ve always said that the day I stop believing people can change is the day I should leave my profession. Yet, changing long-standing patterns in how people think and behave is no easy feat; it demands determination and persistence. Moreover, as we age, our habits often become more entrenched, making change even more challenging if people have been using similar behaviors for a long period of time. While change is always possible, the more pertinent question often becomes: Is change likely? If you're navigating or recovering from a toxic or abusive relationship that is the result of another person’s harmful behaviors toward you, you've likely wondered, "Will this person ever change? Can they even change? Do they want to change?" While people can indeed change under some circumstances, they typically must do so driven by their own desire, on their timeline, and through their chosen process. One crucial indicator of potential change is whether the person shows a genuine interest in doing so. Even more fundamentally, they must recognize the need for change due to the harm their behaviors inflict on others. The likelihood of someone altering harmful behaviors increases if they acknowledge the problem and express a genuine commitment to address it. People who regularly engage in hurtful behaviors and consistently show a pattern of avoiding responsibility and accountability are the ones that raise the biggest red flags for me. One decision you can make to guard your well-being is to consider how long you may want to give a relationship to see if it will change. Change can take time, so it makes sense to be patient in some situations, especially if the other person is showing a genuine interest in working on their behaviors and the relationship. On the other hand, waiting for a harmful person to change could be an extended, or even lifetime, commitment, and you may not be willing to take on the suffering that you might endure over that time frame. Try to realistically assess the other person’s willingness and capacity to change, and work to put healthy boundaries in place if you decide to wait on a hopeful change in a toxic relationship. Take good care of yourself, and make your emotional and physical safety a priority when you’re dealing with someone who has hurt you. Be sure to seek professional help if you feel your safety is at risk or if you think a trained professional could help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about a specific person in your life. And always know you are worthy of making decisions that foster your personal growth, healing, and safety - even when these decisions can be difficult to make at times. By Christine Murray Along your journey of healing from abuse, carefully consider the people you allow into your inner circle. Building a strong support network can be challenging, especially if you've experienced isolation as a result of abuse tactics that your abuser used. As much as possible, surround yourself with positive influences and limit the negative impact of unsupportive people. In today's post, I’ll share some suggestions for how to build the right team of support around you during your healing journey. Reflect on Your Current Support Network: Give some thought to the people currently in your life who offer support, including friends, family, acquaintances, and professionals such as counselors or legal advisors. Evaluate whether your current network meets your needs and identify any gaps in the level and types of support you’d like to have, as well as make note of any relationships that may be detrimental to your healing journey. If Possible, Rebuild Damaged Connections: If it feels healthy and safe to do so, consider reaching out to repair relationships that may have been strained or severed due to the dynamics of abuse. Understand that not everyone may be open to reconciliation, and trust that anyone who isn’t open to rebuilding a relationship is not meant to be part of your journey, at least at this time. Seek New Sources of Support: Be intentional about expanding your support network by seeking out new connections and resources. This may include attending support groups, joining social media communities for survivors, or building new friendships based on shared interests or beliefs, such as a hobby or within a spiritual or religious community. Remember that even a small, solid group of supporters can be invaluable to your healing process. Consider Professional Support: If possible, seek support from trained professionals, such as counselors or support group facilitators, especially if your informal supporters are limited right now. Professional support can offer individualized guidance and additional resources that can help meet your unique needs. Exercise Caution in Sharing Your Story: Be mindful of who you trust with your most personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Make note of any hurtful or unsupportive behavior from the people in your life. Take time to share your story with trusted individuals, and be prepared to set boundaries or distance yourself from anyone who violates your trust. Set Boundaries and Limit Negative Influences: Establish clear boundaries with individuals who detract from your healing journey, and consider reducing or cutting off contact if necessary. While ending relationships can be painful, it may be necessary at times if you know that someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for progress in your healing journey. Overall building the right support team is a really important aspect of your healing journey. Take time to nurture healthy relationships and seek out supporters who will empower and uplift you. Remember: You are deserving of compassionate, supportive individuals in your corner as you navigate your healing journey.  |
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