Overcoming Negative Self-Talk as a Survivor of Abuse

By Christine Murray

Negative self-talk, a common experience for many, can significantly impact our mental well-being. Survivors of abusive relationships may find themselves particularly susceptible to negative self-talk due to experiences of criticism and manipulation with their abusers.

Negative self-talk occurs when our mind cycles through negative thought processes directed toward ourselves. It’s important to build skills for recognizing and challenging negative self-talk. When left unchecked, these negative self-talk patterns can hinder our healing progress, as well as potentially contribute to a lower sense of self-worth and diminish our sense of hope for a brighter future.

If you find yourself stuck in negative self-talk patterns, the steps below are one approach to identifying, challenging, and replacing negative self-talk with more positive self-talk.

As you’ll see below, an important first step is to slow down our thinking patterns so we create space to notice when negative thinking patterns are taking over. Therefore, start by setting aside time for quiet reflection. Then, practice the steps below to practice this process. You’ll find an example of the process along with each step below.

Step 1: Identify a negative belief or statement that you have made toward yourself. Consider writing this belief or statement down in a journal. 

(Example: Nobody likes me for who I am.) 

Step 2: Challenge the negative belief or statement by reflecting on the following questions:

• What is untrue about this belief?
• What evidence do you have that this is a faulty belief?

(Example: I have been myself around my true friends, and they genuinely appreciate me. One of my friends recently told me how much they enjoy my sense of humor.)

Step 3: Replace your negative self-talk with a more positive, accurate statement. 

(Example: It's unrealistic to think that everyone will like me. However, I can be myself with the people who really matter, and they will accept me for who I am.)

Step 4: Identify and practice steps to reinforce the positive self-talk. 

(Example: I can repeat this statement any time I notice the negative one in my mind.)

Repeat the process as often as needed until it becomes more natural and automatic. Of course, every survivor is different, so feel free to adapt the steps or use any other approach that seems more helpful to you!

Remember, healing is a journey unique to each person. Be patient and kind to yourself as you challenge negative self-talk and work toward building a more positive inner dialogue.