Triggered in Parenting Power Struggles

By Christine Murray

The experience of being emotionally triggered is common for many survivors along the journey of recovering from past abuse. A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about “Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered.” 

Many different types of situations and circumstances can lead to feeling emotionally or physiologically triggered. Sometimes, these are directly connected to past experiences of abuse, such as seeing or interacting with your former abuser or having a memory of something that happened in the context of that relationship. 

At other times, triggers can arise in more indirectly related situations, such as if you experience a similar dynamic with another person (e.g., a toxic workplace culture) or something that reminds you of feelings that you faced in connection with your experiences of abuse.

In my personal experiences, one unexpected area of my life in which I’ve experienced triggering events has been in my parenting. When I first started experiencing this, I was surprised and had a hard time admitting that experiences with my children could trigger emotional reactions that were reminiscent of my past traumatic experiences. How could my sweet children be having this impact on me?

It turns out that I’m not alone. As I first wrote about this topic several years ago in a blog post for Triad Moms on Main, “Parenting is one of the areas in which traumatic effects can surface, but parents with a history of trauma may struggle to understand how they can navigate their past trauma amid the demands of their current parenting.”

Even for parents (and other caregivers) without any trauma history, parenting is no easy feat! As many people have said before, parenting is one of the most challenging jobs in the world. It’s natural for all parents--whether or not they’ve ever experienced a traumatic event--to feel stressed and overwhelmed at times.

For survivors of past abusive relationships, the intense emotions that can arise along the healing journey can add to the complexities of parenting. This is especially true when power struggles arise in parenting situations. 

Abusive relationships have an underlying dynamic of power and control issues, as abusers use a variety of abusive tactics to gain and maintain power over their targeted victims. Because of this, the abuse recovery process for survivors often involves gaining a greater sense of self-empowerment and freedom that they weren’t able to experience in their abusive relationship.

From a developmental perspective, power struggles between children and their parents are a common and natural part of children growing up to become independent adults. Power struggles can look different at different ages. A toddler might throw a tantrum when they don’t want to do what their parent is asking them to do, whereas a teenager may tune into their phone or withdraw to their room to create space from their parent. 

Even when parents understand their children’s developmental motives behind the parenting power struggles that might arise, they can feel confused and overwhelmed when these struggles arise. This is true for all parents, but for parents with a history of the control dynamics involved in abusive relationships, emotional reactions can be intensified and become a triggering event. 

If you find parenting power struggles to be triggers for you, here are a few steps that I’ve found helpful to navigate these situations with as much ease and confidence as possible:

• Seek out help and support. This might include seeking counseling for yourself or your family or reaching out for emotional support from a trusted friend or family member.
  
• Apply the general coping skills that help you navigate other triggering events and emotions. For more on this topic, click here to visit the past Source for Survivors blog post on navigating triggers as a survivor of abuse. 
  
• Resist the temptation to judge yourself as a “bad parent” because these triggers came up for you. Remind yourself that emotional triggers are a natural part of the abuse recovery process for many survivors, as well as that many parents--whether or not they have a history of trauma--feel overwhelmed during intense parenting situations. 
  
• Seek out practical parenting information to learn tools for managing power struggles in the moment. For example, one resource I’ve found to be helpful in my parenting for dealing with challenging behaviors has been the articles on the Empowering Parents website. Not only is it helpful to seek out parenting tips and tricks that we can experiment with, but seeking out information can help us feel less alone since we realize other parents are navigating similar situations. (Of course, be sure to check on the credibility of any resources you’re reviewing.) You may also find it helpful to seek out parenting programs or support groups in your local community. 
  
• Take time to reflect after the intensity of the situation has passed. Once things have settled down and you’ve navigated the power struggle situation, set aside some time for self-reflection, such as by journaling about the situation. Focus on what you can learn from your reactions and responses in the situation, including what clues you can find about additional opportunities you can find for the next steps or topics to focus on in your healing journey.
  

While parenting can be a rewarding and meaningful part of life, this doesn’t mean it is without its challenges. One of those challenges for survivors who are parenting is the potential for emotionally triggering events during power struggles with our children. 

While parenting-related triggers may not be avoidable, we can be intentional about (1) recognizing them, (2) responding to them in healthy ways, and (3) learning from them. In this way, we can continue to grow to become more present with our children, as well as to move further along in our healing journeys.