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By Christine Murray
The journey of healing and recovering from past abuse unfolds differently for each survivor. It's a path that requires patience and perseverance because, for many of us as survivors, there are no quick fixes or shortcuts to healing. In our busy lives, finding dedicated time for healing can seem daunting. Yet, as we highlight in the Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model, committing to a long-term perspective is beneficial. Over time, deliberate steps we take toward healing, no matter how big or small, lay the foundation for progress and shifts along our healing journey. Today's blog explores practical steps—what I refer to as "healing accelerators"—that can gently help us move forward in our healing journey. Acceleration, in this context, isn't just about speeding up time. Instead, I’m referring to intentional investments of our space and energy into our healing process. These strategies are designed to support us in moving forward and nurturing our progress with care and purpose. Setting Aside Dedicated Time. Finding time for healing amidst life's demands can be challenging. However, even small doses of intentionally-spent time, like a few minutes daily or an hour weekly, can significantly impact your healing journey. Consider scheduling a weekend retreat or time to join a monthly support group as potential ways to prioritize your healing. Seeking Specialized Counseling. Working with a therapist trained in trauma and abuse recovery can be extremely helpful. Look for mental health professionals who are experienced and well-trained in these areas so you can seek out specialized support tailored to your needs. If you find a potential counselor who seems like they may be a good fit, feel free to ask about their training and experience in these topics to help you decide if they will understand your experiences. Connecting with Peer Support. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be invaluable. Peer support groups, whether online or in person, can offer understanding and solidarity, as well as you that you are not alone in your journey. Building Coping Skills. Equipping yourself with a variety of coping strategies is useful for navigating the emotional intensity of healing. From communication tools to relaxation techniques, developing these skills supports not only your healing journey, but they also can enhance your overall resilience in life. Mindful Emotional Processing. Deeply engaging with our emotions is important for healing. Of course, it’s important to promote your emotional safety while exploring complicated, often distressing emotions. Acknowledging triggers and seeking appropriate support (e.g., from a trained counselor or a crisis hotline) when needed supports our emotional resilience and guides us toward meaningful progress in our healing journey. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Setting boundaries can help us to protect our well-being. Survivors may need to set boundaries with their former abusers if they still need to have contact with them (e.g., when they share children), as well as boundaries in the context of stressful or toxic other relationships, such as with friends, family members, or coworkers. Learning to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries is important for maintaining a “buffer zone” around us that supports our healing process. Educating Yourself. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the healing process can empower you with insights into your own experiences. Learning new information often provides clarity and different perspectives, aiding in the journey toward healing and self-understanding. Reflective Practices. Regular journaling and self-reflection can deepen your understanding of yourself and your healing progress. Taking time to check in with your emotions and experiences can help us to gain self-awareness and personal growth. Conclusion There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and these accelerators may not be helpful for everyone. Healing accelerators can serve as intentional practices that can support and enrich the abuse recovery journey. I invite readers to share other ideas for healing accelerators in the comments below. Thank you for being part of our community as we aim to offer support and guidance for survivors along the healing journey.
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By Christine Murray
The journey of healing from a past abusive relationship can be complicated, long, and winding. I’ve often wished there was a simple 5-step checklist that could lead to healing: First you do this, then that, and eventually, you’re healed! If only the healing journey were that straightforward. In reality, each survivor's healing journey is unique. It's common to experience moments of significant progress, times of slow but steady improvement, and even setbacks. While the giant leaps forward in our healing journey may be the most exciting and easiest to celebrate, all parts of our healing journeys are meaningful and opportunities for growth. Embracing the Journey Every step along the way is an opportunity for growth, even the challenging ones. Sometimes we grow in ways we wish we didn't have to, especially when we’re responding to challenges. It would be nice to wave a magic wand and quickly pass through some of these difficulties, but in hindsight, some of the most difficult moments are also the greatest opportunities for self-awareness, learning valuable life lessons, and discovering inner strength we never knew we had. Although we may wish we weren’t on this journey because it means we experienced abuse, there's something meaningful about being on a journey filled with moments for healing and gaining insight - even if we didn’t choose it. Unique and Personal Journeys One unique aspect of healing from abuse is that each journey is completely personal. My journey is different from yours, and your journey is unique from any other survivor's. While this uniqueness might seem frustrating because it can be harder to learn from each other’s experiences, it also allows us to make the healing process our own. This individuality is valuable because it allows us to get to know ourselves better and understand our unique experiences while navigating this journey. After an abusive relationship, it’s common to lose touch with ourselves, as abusers often chip away at our self-worth and self-esteem. As I’ve discussed here in the blog before, it’s not uncommon to have to get to know ourselves again along the healing journey. Our unique perspectives and experiences provide opportunities to connect with ourselves and gain insight. For example, each of us will find meaning and healing in different sources. Some people love meditation, while others find it challenging to embrace the stillness it brings. Some find comfort in religious or spiritual beliefs, while others don’t. Our relationships, the support we receive, and the healing pathways we take will differ for each person. This complexity, while at times challenging, allows us to observe our experiences and what resonates with us, offering opportunities for deeper self-connection and insight. Giving Ourselves Time to Heal Embracing the winding road of the healing journey allows us to give ourselves the time we need to heal, at our own unique pace. Abusive relationships are often intense and long-lasting. For most survivors, it’s unrealistic to expect a quick and easy recovery from such profound experiences. Embracing the winding road means giving ourselves permission to move at our own pace, without a set timeline or rigid steps to follow. This approach helps us to deeply and meaningfully recover and grow stronger than before. Throughout the healing journey, we may experience giant leaps forward that are exciting. At other times, progress may come in tiny baby steps that feel frustratingly slow. Sometimes, we may even face setbacks, taking two steps forward and three steps back. These are all natural parts of the long, complicated, but ultimately triumphant process toward growth and renewal. Moving Forward Wherever you are on your healing journey, and whatever your journey has looked like so far, I invite you to embrace the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the forward steps, and the setbacks. Trust that even in the most uncertain moments, we are still moving forward toward healing and hope for a brighter future.  By Christine Murray “I feel so foolish that I didn’t leave the relationship sooner.” “Why did it take me so long to recognize the abuse?” “Looking back, I see all the signs. I can’t believe I didn’t notice them sooner.” In my work with survivors of past abuse, I’ve heard many variations on the above statements. In truth, similar thoughts have run through my own mind along my own healing journey as well. If you feel any level of guilt, self-doubt, or confusion about how long it took you to recognize the abuse you faced, know that you’re not alone. Abusive relationship dynamics often don’t show up immediately in relationships, and often they begin in minor or subtle ways before growing into more troubling patterns over time. It can take a long time for people to realize that they are involved in an abusive relationship. It’s natural to feel down if it took time for you to realize the abusive dynamics of a relationship in your life. Practice self-compassion, and remember that many abusive relationship tactics are covert and may even be intentionally used to trick or deceive you. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing some of the many reasons why it can be really difficult to recognize an abusive relationship when you’re in it. By understanding these reasons--along with any other reasons and experiences that were unique to our own circumstances--we can move toward releasing judgment and approach our experiences with more self-empathy and understanding while healing from past abuse. You’re Invested in the Relationship: If a relationship becomes abusive, you may have a hard time recognizing it because of all of the investments of time, energy, and emotions you’ve made into that relationship. The commitments you’ve made to a relationship can understandably lead you to overlook or minimize the extent of its unsafe, abusive qualities. Your Abuser Is/Was a Skilled Manipulator: People who perpetrate abuse in their relationships often are quite skilled (intentionally or unintentionally) at manipulating others. They may try to overshadow their abusive behaviors by showering you with positive attention, gifts, or affection. They may overtly deny that their behaviors are hurtful. And they may deny any responsibility for their actions and tell you it’s all your fault. All in all, it can be difficult to recognize an abusive relationship because the abuser is intentionally, perhaps even systematically, acting in ways to try and hide their harmful ways. You May Have Blamed Yourself (Or Believed Your Abuser When They Wrongly Told You It Was Your Fault): People who are on the receiving end of abusers’ tactics may come to internalize the blame their abusers place upon them. They may start to blame themselves for the abuser’s actions based on things they said or did. For example, someone who is on the receiving end of their partner’s abusive behaviors might wonder, “Well, if I was making more time for my partner, maybe they would be more respectful toward me.” Keep in mind, however, that every person is always responsible for their own actions. You are never to blame for another person’s mistreatment of you. You Try and See the Best in Others: It’s a positive quality to be the kind of person who aims to see the best in others. Recognizing that all people have flaws, we all need to offer grace and patience toward others at times. That said, the positive quality of seeing the best in others can filter our perceptions if it leads us to overlook or excuse others’ harmful behaviors. You may have overlooked or excused your abuser’s actions because you believed them when they said they would change, or even just because you were trying to see the best in them. As you reflect on your own past experiences with an abusive relationship, be gentle with yourself and remember that hindsight is 20/20. It’s easier to see patterns and red flags from the past, and we can’t judge our past selves harshly if we didn’t recognize the extent of abuse we were facing at the time. Know that you’re not alone if you simply didn’t recognize the abuse for what it was when it was happening. In fact, this is a very natural and common experience, in light of all of the reasons above and other unique factors that are specific to each relationship. Continue to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on past experiences, and trust that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time.  By Christine Murray A few degrees can make a huge difference. Recently, on a drive winding through the mountainous terrain from my hometown of Pittsburgh to my current home in North Carolina, I observed firsthand the transformative power of small shifts. The temperature hovered just above the freezing mark, and the cloudy day alternated between light and heavy rain and snow. As we made our way through the mountains, I couldn't help but draw parallels between the changing landscapes outside my window and the nuanced journey of recovering from past abuse. Please forgive the photo quality, as my teenage son took both photos on his phone while I was driving. But just check out the contrast in the scenery we had along the drive depending on even the slightest changes of elevation: While we were chugging along at the lower elevations in the mountains, the scenery was muddy, dingy, and gloomy. While climbing higher on the upward slopes, there were some moments where we could look at the current view around us (again, muddy and gloomy), but then if we looked up higher in the mountains, we could see snow-covered treetops above that current view. As we got to the highest elevations, it was truly a beautiful winter wonderland. I’m talking the kind of fresh-fallen snow that sticks to even the tiniest tree branches. It was breathtaking. Along this long drive, there are often many moments when there is little to do but be quiet with my thoughts. In those moments of reflection, it occurred to me how much of a significant difference even just a few degrees of elevation and temperature (changing within just a minute or two along our drive) could make. It was mind-blowing to me how quickly the view and perspective could change, especially when we’re putting in effort (and miles) along a long journey. This is not just true for long car rides, but also in long-term journeys we take in our lives, such as healing from past trauma or pursuing a major life goal. When I think back on my own journey of healing from a past abusive relationship, I can think of long stretches of time where I knew I was putting in the effort, but I wasn’t seeing much actual change in my life. Things were still hard and kind of ugly to look at, even if I could feel myself changing and making progress. But then, sometimes after long stretches of what felt like minimal progress, all of a sudden, I would notice some significant change and that the view of my healing journey had changed. The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines a tipping point as “the critical point in a situation, process, or system beyond which a significant and often unstoppable effect or change takes place.” During our long car ride, the tipping point between gloomy, muddy surroundings and a beautiful winter view was just a degree to two of a difference. Along the journey of healing from past abuse, tipping points can come in many forms and may look different for every survivor. They might include finally building up a set of coping skills to help you navigate a potentially triggering situation, saving up an amount of money that helps you to feel financially secure, or making a new friendship that helps you to feel supported, encouraged, and validated. I believe it’s so important to take a moment to let those moments of progress sink in. Along our drive, I did this by trying to appreciate the beautiful scenery around me, and in truth, I knew it wouldn’t last too long as we got further down the mountains. In the journey of healing from past abuse, it’s vital to savor and celebrate each beautiful moment of progress. Even though these glimpses into the beauty of healing may be fleeting, they represent vital milestones along the way—moments that are not only valuable but also worthy of awe. As I reflect on the transformative power of just a few small degrees of change during our mountainous drive, I invite you to consider the small changes you are making along your own healing journey. Embrace and celebrate these moments whenever they arise, for they have the potential to bring about powerful shifts in your perspective. Getting Personal: Why the Vision for The Source for Survivors Means So Much To Me (Part 2)12/21/2023  By Christine Murray Earlier this week, I shared Part 1 of this mini-series on why the vision of The Source for Survivors (that survivors shouldn’t have to walk the healing journey on their own) is so personally meaningful to me. I also shared my thoughts on the first reason for this, which was that I’ve felt lost and in the dark at many points in my personal healing journey. In today’s post, I’ll dive into two other reasons why building The Source for Survivors is so meaningful to me:
Along my healing journey, I have often wondered: What is the “end game” here? Committing to a long-term view is the third commitment in the Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model that The Source for Survivors is based on. I’ve personally come to appreciate this long-term view in my own recovery process, and I’ve found some comfort in knowing that I can take all the time I need through any phases of healing. At the same time, I’ll confess I have, at times, wished that I could see into the future and know exactly where this journey will take me. The long-range view brings up some interesting, perhaps existential, questions about recovering from past abuse. At different points in my journey, I’ve wondered some form of the following:
I’m pretty sure The Source for Survivors won’t be able to answer all of these questions, and it’s possible these questions are impossible to answer, at least in a general way that applies to all survivors. However, I do hope The Source for Survivors will be a resource to help survivors process with their own self-reflections and growth as they navigate their unique journeys toward whatever their unique “end game” may be. The third and final topic I’ll cover in the blog this week is that feeling isolated at times has added barriers to my healing process. Personally understanding some of the isolation that many survivors feel is another reason I’m so connected to the mission and vision for The Source for Survivors. There are different layers of isolation that may impact survivors’ healing journeys. One layer is direct isolation that is a result of the abuse. Isolation can be both a tactic abusers use to carry out their abuse (e.g., cutting the survivor off from potential sources of support), as well as a byproduct of being in an abusive relationship (e.g., if survivors pull back from relationships with friends and family members because they feel ashamed of their experiences, or if friends and family members withdraw because they’re not sure whether or how to offer support). Isolation resulting from abuse can be challenging, and connecting with sources of social support - both from professional helpers and informal supports like friends and community groups - can be an important step to take during the healing process. Another layer of isolation that can impact survivors’ long-term healing journeys is more of a perception of being alone, misunderstood, or possibly ashamed of having been abused. For me, I’ve been very fortunate to have some amazing friends, family members, and professional supporters who have been with me along different phases of my healing journey. So it’s been this second layer of isolation that I’ve felt the most at times. Even when I’ve received caring, compassionate support and guidance from many supporters around me, I’ve still grappled with perceptions of isolation at points along my journey. It’s natural and normal as a survivor of abuse to look at others in the world around you and feel a little out of place. Violence and abuse aren’t exactly everyday conversation topics in most circles, so even though statistics tell us how common experiences of abuse are, you may not even know how many other people with similar experiences are around you. I’ll admit it was very difficult for me at first to publicly identify as a survivor, and in truth, I was working in this field for many years before I publicly shared that identity. My reasons for waiting to share my story were many (and perhaps this will be a topic for a future blog post!). Publicly sharing about being a survivor is not right for everyone. For me, however, once I became public about my experiences, a major blessing waited on the other side. This blessing was that sharing my own experiences opened the door to many other people sharing their stories with me, as well as other personal connections they had to abuse, such as loved ones who had current or past experiences with abuse. Sharing one’s story of surviving abuse is certainly not a requirement for healing, and I suggest anyone interested in reading more about this check out the Collection on this topic that we developed through our See the Triumph Campaign. However, one thing I’ve learned through publicly sharing parts of my personal story is that we often feel way more alone and isolated in our experiences as survivors than we truly are. And so, understanding the isolation that many survivors face is another reason I’m so excited about The Source for Survivors. I hope this site can be another resource to help survivors feel less alone and isolated in their experiences. I hope my posts this week offered a little glimpse into some of the reasons why my heart is so invested in building The Source for Survivors. My personal journey is only part of these reasons, and I’ve also learned so much from many other survivors I’ve encountered through my work. I look forward to continuing to learn more as The Source for Survivors evolves over time. Thank you for reading and for being part of this new initiative as well!   By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. |
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