Getting Personal: Why the Vision for The Source for Survivors Means So Much To Me (Part 2)12/21/2023 By Christine Murray
Earlier this week, I shared Part 1 of this mini-series on why the vision of The Source for Survivors (that survivors shouldn’t have to walk the healing journey on their own) is so personally meaningful to me. I also shared my thoughts on the first reason for this, which was that I’ve felt lost and in the dark at many points in my personal healing journey. In today’s post, I’ll dive into two other reasons why building The Source for Survivors is so meaningful to me:
Along my healing journey, I have often wondered: What is the “end game” here? Committing to a long-term view is the third commitment in the Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model that The Source for Survivors is based on. I’ve personally come to appreciate this long-term view in my own recovery process, and I’ve found some comfort in knowing that I can take all the time I need through any phases of healing. At the same time, I’ll confess I have, at times, wished that I could see into the future and know exactly where this journey will take me. The long-range view brings up some interesting, perhaps existential, questions about recovering from past abuse. At different points in my journey, I’ve wondered some form of the following:
I’m pretty sure The Source for Survivors won’t be able to answer all of these questions, and it’s possible these questions are impossible to answer, at least in a general way that applies to all survivors. However, I do hope The Source for Survivors will be a resource to help survivors process with their own self-reflections and growth as they navigate their unique journeys toward whatever their unique “end game” may be. The third and final topic I’ll cover in the blog this week is that feeling isolated at times has added barriers to my healing process. Personally understanding some of the isolation that many survivors feel is another reason I’m so connected to the mission and vision for The Source for Survivors. There are different layers of isolation that may impact survivors’ healing journeys. One layer is direct isolation that is a result of the abuse. Isolation can be both a tactic abusers use to carry out their abuse (e.g., cutting the survivor off from potential sources of support), as well as a byproduct of being in an abusive relationship (e.g., if survivors pull back from relationships with friends and family members because they feel ashamed of their experiences, or if friends and family members withdraw because they’re not sure whether or how to offer support). Isolation resulting from abuse can be challenging, and connecting with sources of social support - both from professional helpers and informal supports like friends and community groups - can be an important step to take during the healing process. Another layer of isolation that can impact survivors’ long-term healing journeys is more of a perception of being alone, misunderstood, or possibly ashamed of having been abused. For me, I’ve been very fortunate to have some amazing friends, family members, and professional supporters who have been with me along different phases of my healing journey. So it’s been this second layer of isolation that I’ve felt the most at times. Even when I’ve received caring, compassionate support and guidance from many supporters around me, I’ve still grappled with perceptions of isolation at points along my journey. It’s natural and normal as a survivor of abuse to look at others in the world around you and feel a little out of place. Violence and abuse aren’t exactly everyday conversation topics in most circles, so even though statistics tell us how common experiences of abuse are, you may not even know how many other people with similar experiences are around you. I’ll admit it was very difficult for me at first to publicly identify as a survivor, and in truth, I was working in this field for many years before I publicly shared that identity. My reasons for waiting to share my story were many (and perhaps this will be a topic for a future blog post!). Publicly sharing about being a survivor is not right for everyone. For me, however, once I became public about my experiences, a major blessing waited on the other side. This blessing was that sharing my own experiences opened the door to many other people sharing their stories with me, as well as other personal connections they had to abuse, such as loved ones who had current or past experiences with abuse. Sharing one’s story of surviving abuse is certainly not a requirement for healing, and I suggest anyone interested in reading more about this check out the Collection on this topic that we developed through our See the Triumph Campaign. However, one thing I’ve learned through publicly sharing parts of my personal story is that we often feel way more alone and isolated in our experiences as survivors than we truly are. And so, understanding the isolation that many survivors face is another reason I’m so excited about The Source for Survivors. I hope this site can be another resource to help survivors feel less alone and isolated in their experiences. I hope my posts this week offered a little glimpse into some of the reasons why my heart is so invested in building The Source for Survivors. My personal journey is only part of these reasons, and I’ve also learned so much from many other survivors I’ve encountered through my work. I look forward to continuing to learn more as The Source for Survivors evolves over time. Thank you for reading and for being part of this new initiative as well!
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Getting Personal: Why the Vision for The Source for Survivors Means So Much To Me (Part 1)12/19/2023 By Christine Murray
Working to get The Source for Survivors up and running has been a true work of the heart for me. I’m so excited about this resource because I know how much it's needed. For almost two decades now, the focus of much of my work has been on domestic violence and other forms of abuse, especially the recovery experiences of survivors. In addition to my professional work, I've also been on my own healing journey as a survivor of past abuse. Because of what I’ve learned from the countless survivors I’ve learned from through my work, in addition to my own personal experiences, the vision for The Source for Survivors - that survivors shouldn’t have to walk the healing journey on their own - means so much to me. In a mini-series of two posts this week, I’ll be sharing a little bit more about my own healing journey and how my experiences are fueling my passion for this new resource. I’ll start, however, with a disclaimer that I know my own experiences are just my own. Every single survivor has their own unique experiences. While I’ve learned a lot from my personal experiences, I know that my experiences may or may not be similar to the experiences of others. So, when reading this post and other resources shared through The Source for Survivors, please apply the information that resonates with you, and set aside anything that doesn’t. Part of the beauty that can be found in the journey of recovering from past abuse is that, while difficult, you can make your healing process your own. There are at least three reasons why my personal experiences with recovering from past abuse have led me to feel so deeply connected to the goal of building The Source for Survivors:
One part of my healing journey that stands out to me has been how I’ve felt in the dark about what’s “normal” or to be expected over the long-term in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Perhaps I’ve been searching for answers to some of my personal questions through my work, but even through all of the work I’ve done related to the topic of domestic violence--and even specific to the long-term recovery process for survivors--clarity has been elusive to find at many points in my healing journey. In my opinion, some bigger-picture aspects of abuse recovery are easier to grasp--things like being triggered when reminders of the abuse occur and that it’s valuable to seek support from professionals (e.g., a counselor) and trusted friends and family members. Where I’ve felt most in the dark in my personal healing journey has been in some of the unique, nuanced situations I’ve faced. Maybe you can relate to some of the questions that have come up for me in these situations:
Because of local resources (e.g., domestic violence agencies) in communities across the country, as well as national resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, survivors today can access information and support to manage the immediate crisis of abusive relationships and the process of seeking safety, such as by leaving the relationship. Once survivors have become free from abuse and the initial crisis has stabilized, I suspect many survivors are like me and left wondering, “Okay, now what am I supposed to do? Where do I start? And how do I work on my healing while also being busy with so many areas of life, like work, parenting, and paying the bills?” I, for one, will admit that I sometimes felt lost and confused when these questions came up along my healing journey. Thankfully, I knew to take some helpful steps, like seeking out a counselor, talking with trusted friends and family members, and building new coping skills. As helpful as these steps have been, I still wish I could have had some more nuanced guidance and support for many of the unique and challenging situations that have come up for me in the aftermath of abuse. Because survivors’ experiences and circumstances are so personal and unique, I don’t think any single resource (even what I hope that The Source for Survivors will become over time!) can fully address all of the nuanced challenges that survivors may face along the healing journey. However, my hope is that The Source for Survivors can offer survivors more validation, encouragement, support, and guidance to better understand different aspects of recovering from past abuse. If we can all feel a little less in the dark along our own healing journeys, then we can also help shine some light on the path for other survivors. Come back later this week on Thursday for the second part of this mini-series, where I'll delve into the latter two reasons that fuel my passion for developing The Source for Survivors. Meanwhile, I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. If you have suggested topics or resources you'd like to see covered in The Source for Survivors, feel free to share through the Contact Form. Your feedback is invaluable in shaping this resource to better serve the unique needs of survivors. By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. |
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