 By Christine Murray Life is a wild ride filled with all sorts of emotions, and when you're on the path to healing from past abuse, it can feel like stepping into an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs are real, and sometimes it feels like you're navigating through uncharted emotional territory Emotional regulation is a term that refers to our ability to navigate through our emotions while still having some say in how we handle and react to them. Developing these skills is a journey in itself, requiring time and effort. And even when you think you've got a grip on it, there are moments when emotions can still feel overwhelming. We can be intentional about navigating our full range of emotions so that we can better enjoy our positive emotions and more effectively navigate the difficult ones. In today’s post, I’ll share a few basic strategies that can be helpful for regulating emotions in a self-compassionate way. Pay attention to the physical signals your body sends when you're in the grip of intense emotions. Maybe your heart picks up the pace, your stomach does somersaults, or there's this jittery, nervous energy buzzing through you. These bodily reactions are like your body's way of sending up emotional distress signals. It's a good idea to tune into these cues early on so that you can take proactive steps to process those emotions and use your self-soothing skills. Nurture your self-soothing skills. Since everyone has unique preferences, it's crucial to figure out what helps you find calm in the midst of emotional turbulence. Identify the self-soothing skills that resonate with you—whether it's deep-breathing exercises, meditation, a good workout, or pouring your thoughts into a journal. Once you've pinpointed your go-to techniques, make it a habit to practice them. This way, you'll be well-equipped to use them skillfully when navigating emotionally-charged moments. When difficult emotions arise, use positive self-talk to remind yourself that you have the ability to process and manage intense emotions in healthy ways, even if it doesn’t feel great to experience them. You can use positive self-talk by speaking out loud to yourself, mentally repeating the words in your mind, or writing them out in a journal. Embrace affirmations as a regular practice, weaving them into your emotional journey—whether you're riding highs, navigating lows, or experiencing periods of indifference. Discover examples of affirmations tailored to each emotional phase below. Affirmations for Times of Positive Emotions
It’s natural to get overwhelmed at times by the intensity of our emotions, especially along the journey of healing from a past abusive relationship. By learning to effectively process and regulate our emotions, we can tap into their healing power and navigate and reduce emotional distress. Take time to develop tools for emotional regulation that work well for you, and continue to build these tools up over time as you experience new levels of healing. 
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 By Christine Murray Valentine’s Day will be here tomorrow. Valentine’s Day can be complicated for many people, so much so that the Healthy Relationships Initiative team I’ve worked with at UNC Greensboro developed a “Valentine’s Day Survival Guide” that you can check out if you’ve got mixed feelings about this holiday. For survivors of past abusive relationships, however, Valentine’s Day can be extra complicated. After all, a holiday that celebrates love might bring up some difficult feelings or memories for people who have faced hurt in the context of an intimate relationship. If you’re a survivor and find yourself feeling difficult or complex emotions as Valentine’s Day has been approaching, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few suggestions to help yourself navigate Valentine’s Day, but remember that what’s most important is to figure out what you need to do to best take care of yourself before, during, and after this holiday: Give yourself time and space to process emotions and memories that come up for you around Valentine’s Day. Remember that it is natural and normal to have difficult feelings and memories related to your past abusive relationship, on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Valentine’s Day may be especially triggering for you if you had abuse-related experiences on Valentine’s Days, such as your partner abusing you or neglecting your feelings and needs on this day in the past. Two helpful practices to navigate these emotions and memories are self-validation and self-compassion. Increase your use of coping mechanisms this week if you’re feeling down. Along the journey of recovering from past abuse, it’s always helpful to have a full toolbox of coping strategies that work well for you. Examples of coping strategies include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, relaxation breathing), problem-solving skills, and leaning into social support from professionals and/or your friends and family members. If you’re struggling this week, ramp up your coping mechanisms to balance out the negative feelings you’re facing. (Please note that if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out to your local authorities or contact the national 9-8-8 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. You also can visit our Other Resources page to find databases to search for a local mental health professional in your area.) Plan how you want to approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming tomorrow. If it would be helpful, spend some time today planning in advance if there are steps that you can take to navigate the day with as little stress as possible. Valentine’s Day is often referred to as a “Hallmark Holiday,” marketed to generate more sales of flowers, cards, and candy. It’s not uncommon to find people who simply ignore the holiday, which is one approach you could take. If this approach resonates with you, consider how you might respond if someone at work asks if you have any special plans, and you might minimize your social media time tomorrow if you think seeing posts of others’ celebrations might be upsetting to you. There are many other ways to navigate the complexities of Valentine’s Day instead of simply ignoring it, however. First, you might consider fully celebrating it and enjoying the day, while also acknowledging any difficult emotions that arise. Remember that it’s possible for positive and negative emotions to co-exist - you can feel joy in the moment while also navigating sadness or disappointment from the past, for example. You might also explore new and creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that help you enjoy the day as much as possible, such as starting a new tradition for celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own or with friends and family. Celebrate the different forms and sources of love in your life. While much of the attention on Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic relationships, consider whether this holiday could serve as a reminder of all of the many different forms and sources of love in your life. This could include self-love, friendships, family relationships, your children, a new and healthy romantic relationship, a pet, your spiritual beliefs or Higher Power, and even appreciating the beauty in nature. Whether or not you have a romantic relationship in your life, chances are you can find glimmers of love in different areas of your life, and Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate the presence of love in your life, in whatever forms it is currently available to you. Consider viewing Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for self-reflection. If Valentine’s Day brings up complex feelings or emotions for you, these might become clues into the next phases of your healing journey. It may be helpful to process these experiences through journaling and/or a conversation with a counselor or trusted loved one. To help with this reflection, we’ve created a free pdf of a journal page that you can download for free below. 
Regardless of whether you’re excited about or dreading Valentine’s Day, I wish you a day filled with love and peace tomorrow. Remember that your relationship status and history don’t define who you are. Even if you’ve faced hurt and sadness due to past relationships, know that you are worthy of receiving healthy, safe, and supporting love, just as you are.  By Christine Murray A few degrees can make a huge difference. Recently, on a drive winding through the mountainous terrain from my hometown of Pittsburgh to my current home in North Carolina, I observed firsthand the transformative power of small shifts. The temperature hovered just above the freezing mark, and the cloudy day alternated between light and heavy rain and snow. As we made our way through the mountains, I couldn't help but draw parallels between the changing landscapes outside my window and the nuanced journey of recovering from past abuse. Please forgive the photo quality, as my teenage son took both photos on his phone while I was driving. But just check out the contrast in the scenery we had along the drive depending on even the slightest changes of elevation: While we were chugging along at the lower elevations in the mountains, the scenery was muddy, dingy, and gloomy. While climbing higher on the upward slopes, there were some moments where we could look at the current view around us (again, muddy and gloomy), but then if we looked up higher in the mountains, we could see snow-covered treetops above that current view. As we got to the highest elevations, it was truly a beautiful winter wonderland. I’m talking the kind of fresh-fallen snow that sticks to even the tiniest tree branches. It was breathtaking. Along this long drive, there are often many moments when there is little to do but be quiet with my thoughts. In those moments of reflection, it occurred to me how much of a significant difference even just a few degrees of elevation and temperature (changing within just a minute or two along our drive) could make. It was mind-blowing to me how quickly the view and perspective could change, especially when we’re putting in effort (and miles) along a long journey. This is not just true for long car rides, but also in long-term journeys we take in our lives, such as healing from past trauma or pursuing a major life goal. When I think back on my own journey of healing from a past abusive relationship, I can think of long stretches of time where I knew I was putting in the effort, but I wasn’t seeing much actual change in my life. Things were still hard and kind of ugly to look at, even if I could feel myself changing and making progress. But then, sometimes after long stretches of what felt like minimal progress, all of a sudden, I would notice some significant change and that the view of my healing journey had changed. The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines a tipping point as “the critical point in a situation, process, or system beyond which a significant and often unstoppable effect or change takes place.” During our long car ride, the tipping point between gloomy, muddy surroundings and a beautiful winter view was just a degree to two of a difference. Along the journey of healing from past abuse, tipping points can come in many forms and may look different for every survivor. They might include finally building up a set of coping skills to help you navigate a potentially triggering situation, saving up an amount of money that helps you to feel financially secure, or making a new friendship that helps you to feel supported, encouraged, and validated. I believe it’s so important to take a moment to let those moments of progress sink in. Along our drive, I did this by trying to appreciate the beautiful scenery around me, and in truth, I knew it wouldn’t last too long as we got further down the mountains. In the journey of healing from past abuse, it’s vital to savor and celebrate each beautiful moment of progress. Even though these glimpses into the beauty of healing may be fleeting, they represent vital milestones along the way—moments that are not only valuable but also worthy of awe. As I reflect on the transformative power of just a few small degrees of change during our mountainous drive, I invite you to consider the small changes you are making along your own healing journey. Embrace and celebrate these moments whenever they arise, for they have the potential to bring about powerful shifts in your perspective. Today, the Source for Survivors is officially launching into the world! Of course, we've been building up the resources on our site and social media over the past couple months, but today we're making it official!
Read on for the official press release announcing the launch! ************************************************************* Launching today: The Source for Survivors - A New, Comprehensive Resource for Healing from Past Relationship Abuse Greensboro, NC: February is often thought to be the month of love, as Valentine’s Day brings love and romance to our minds (for better or for worse). Healthy, supportive relationships contribute positively to people’s quality of life and mental health. Unfortunately, however, for some people who have faced the dark side of relationships, the process of healing from past domestic and intimate partner violence can be a long and difficult one. This month, Christine Murray, a Professor in the UNC Greensboro Department of Counseling and Educational Development, is unveiling The Source for Survivors to offer tools and information to survivors of past abusive relationships to support them on their healing journey. The Source for Survivors (www.source for survivors.info) also offers guidance and resources for community supporters for survivors, including professionals and informal supporters like friends and family members. Abuse within intimate partner violence is unfortunately common in the United States. The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey showed that almost half of both women and men have experienced psychological abuse in an intimate relationship, and about 40% of women and men have experienced physical intimate partner violence. Despite these staggering rates of intimate partner violence, “Many survivors of past abuse feel alone, isolated, and stigmatized because of the abuse they experienced,” says Murray. Murray added, “I’m passionate about building The Source for Survivors because, through both my long-term work related to domestic violence and my own personal experiences as a survivor, I’ve seen how critical the need is for guidance and support for the healing process.” The Source for Survivors offers a website, blog, and social media outreach, offering tailored content for survivors and their community supporters. Based on a simple framework, the platform introduces six commitments—intentionality, safety, a long-term view, deliberate steps forward, reflection, and paying it forward. These commitments can provide a roadmap for survivors and community supporters to navigate the journey towards healing. The website features distinct sections and blogs for survivors and community supporters, ensuring relevant and valuable content for both audiences. Visit www.sourceforsurvivors.info to explore the comprehensive resources available. As a special offering, the website currently features a complimentary downloadable ebook, the Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal. Stay informed about new resources, articles, and updates by following The Source for Survivors on Facebook and Instagram at @sourceforsurvivors. |
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© The Source for Survivors. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site and blog without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Please note that The Source for Survivors is not a resource for providing personalized advice for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. The Source for Survivors also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.