Valentine’s Day Can Be Complicated for Survivors of Abusive Relationships: How to Cope If You Can Relate

By Christine Murray

Valentine’s Day will be here tomorrow. Valentine’s Day can be complicated for many people, so much so that the Healthy Relationships Initiative team I’ve worked with at UNC Greensboro developed a “Valentine’s Day Survival Guide” that you can check out if you’ve got mixed feelings about this holiday. 

For survivors of past abusive relationships, however, Valentine’s Day can be extra complicated. After all, a holiday that celebrates love might bring up some difficult feelings or memories for people who have faced hurt in the context of an intimate relationship. 

If you’re a survivor and find yourself feeling difficult or complex emotions as Valentine’s Day has been approaching, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few suggestions to help yourself navigate Valentine’s Day, but remember that what’s most important is to figure out what you need to do to best take care of yourself before, during, and after this holiday:

Give yourself time and space to process emotions and memories that come up for you around Valentine’s Day. Remember that it is natural and normal to have difficult feelings and memories related to your past abusive relationship, on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Valentine’s Day may be especially triggering for you if you had abuse-related experiences on Valentine’s Days, such as your partner abusing you or neglecting your feelings and needs on this day in the past. Two helpful practices to navigate these emotions and memories are self-validation and self-compassion. 

Increase your use of coping mechanisms this week if you’re feeling down. Along the journey of recovering from past abuse, it’s always helpful to have a full toolbox of coping strategies that work well for you. Examples of coping strategies include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, relaxation breathing), problem-solving skills, and leaning into social support from professionals and/or your friends and family members. 

If you’re struggling this week, ramp up your coping mechanisms to balance out the negative feelings you’re facing. (Please note that if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out to your local authorities or contact the national 9-8-8 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. You also can visit our Other Resources page to find databases to search for a local mental health professional in your area.)

Plan how you want to approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming tomorrow. If it would be helpful, spend some time today planning in advance if there are steps that you can take to navigate the day with as little stress as possible. 

Valentine’s Day is often referred to as a “Hallmark Holiday,” marketed to generate more sales of flowers, cards, and candy. It’s not uncommon to find people who simply ignore the holiday, which is one approach you could take. If this approach resonates with you, consider how you might respond if someone at work asks if you have any special plans, and you might minimize your social media time tomorrow if you think seeing posts of others’ celebrations might be upsetting to you.

There are many other ways to navigate the complexities of Valentine’s Day instead of simply ignoring it, however. First, you might consider fully celebrating it and enjoying the day, while also acknowledging any difficult emotions that arise. Remember that it’s possible for positive and negative emotions to co-exist - you can feel joy in the moment while also navigating sadness or disappointment from the past, for example.

You might also explore new and creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that help you enjoy the day as much as possible, such as starting a new tradition for celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own or with friends and family. 

Celebrate the different forms and sources of love in your life. While much of the attention on Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic relationships, consider whether this holiday could serve as a reminder of all of the many different forms and sources of love in your life. 

This could include self-love, friendships, family relationships, your children, a new and healthy romantic relationship, a pet, your spiritual beliefs or Higher Power, and even appreciating the beauty in nature. 

Whether or not you have a romantic relationship in your life, chances are you can find glimmers of love in different areas of your life, and Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate the presence of love in your life, in whatever forms it is currently available to you.

Consider viewing Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for self-reflection. If Valentine’s Day brings up complex feelings or emotions for you, these might become clues into the next phases of your healing journey. It may be helpful to process these experiences through journaling and/or a conversation with a counselor or trusted loved one. To help with this reflection, we’ve created a free pdf of a journal page that you can download for free below.

Valentine's Day Self-Reflection Journal Page from The Source for Survivors
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Regardless of whether you’re excited about or dreading Valentine’s Day, I wish you a day filled with love and peace tomorrow. Remember that your relationship status and history don’t define who you are. Even if you’ve faced hurt and sadness due to past relationships, know that you are worthy of receiving healthy, safe, and supporting love, just as you are.