By Christine Murray
If you’re healing from the immediate or long-term effects of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster at times. As I’ve discussed before throughout this blog, it’s so important to practice self-care and process our emotions while we are on the journey of healing from past abuse. Many survivors, such as those who share children with their former abuser, may need to stay in contact with their abusers even long after the relationship ends. Even if you’ve been able to cut off all contact with your former abuser, chances are you still will encounter difficult or toxic people and relationships. A helpful skill to learn when dealing with difficult, and even potentially unsafe, people is to practice taking a pause before responding to any intense emotions you may feel. Of course, if you’re facing an immediate safety risk, contact your local emergency authorities or a crisis hotline. (Visit our Other Resources page for more information about resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline for Mental Health Crises.) Taking a pause in emotionally charged situations can give you a short break to calm your mind and emotions so you can think more clearly about your best next steps. Sometimes, we can take longer pauses, such as if we can take an hour or so to cool down, or even a longer amount of time to seek out guidance from a trusted professional or loved one. However, often intense situations require quick responses, and we may not be able to take an extended break to fully process our thoughts and feelings. In these moments, even a brief pause can be helpful. Below are a few suggestions to begin practicing taking quick pauses when you’re facing intense emotions and situations. First, try to practice taking a “pause” even before you are faced with a situation in which you’ll need to use it, such as an interaction with your former abuser or another difficult person. This might involve simply thinking or writing some ideas ahead of time for what kind of pause strategies might work best for you. If you feel emotionally safe to do so, you might even try to imagine yourself in an intense situation, and then visualize yourself taking a calming pause to regroup in that imaginary situation. (If this kind of visualization is triggering to you right now, it’s okay to wait until you’re ready to use this technique.) One helpful strategy that some people find useful for taking a pause is to take a brief, but deep breath or two to help calm you in the moment. As you are taking your deep breaths, check in with yourself using the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is happening in my body? What is my gut reaction for how to respond? Would this response be helpful or unhelpful in this situation? You may not have time to fully explore all of these questions, so pick the one(s) that are most helpful to you at the moment. Another possible pause-taking tool is to physically ground yourself in your body at the present moment. For example, you might tune into all five senses (e.g., “What am I seeing, smelling, and tasting right now?”), notice your feet planted on the ground, or use a comforting self-touch, such as gently massaging your shoulders. Keep in mind that brief pauses often can’t give you enough time to fully process your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in a stressful situation. However, they can be helpful to stay calmer and make more thoughtful decisions about your responses during a challenging relationship situation. Later, when you have time and feel safe to do so, you can further explore what was happening in your mind, body, and emotions in the intense situation, as well as reflect on how well the steps you took to pause in the moment worked for you. You may find it helpful to connect with a trained mental health professional to process these intense experiences. Remember that it’s a brave step to take to reach out for help when needed, and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Taking a pause can be a valuable coping tool for survivors of abuse, as well as for anyone else who feels uncomfortable responding to intense emotions in the heat of the moment. This tool can be most helpful when we practice it before we actually need it so we’re ready to put it in play when intense, stressful situations arise.
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By Christine Murray
If I had to sum up the last couple of decades of my life in one word, "busy" would be at the top of the list. I know I'm not alone. Being busy is sort of a way of life in our world today. And this is especially true because of the influx of technology and just how busy life can be while managing all of the demands we face, whether that's our jobs, family, parenting, friendships, and other commitments in our homes and communities. I don't know about you, but there are weeks when I feel tired simply when I look at my calendar when the week is starting! In those weeks, my schedule feels so packed, leaving barely any breathing room. Along the course of my personal healing journey, one of the biggest logistical challenges I've faced has been figuring out how to carve out the time, space, and energy to devote to my healing in the middle of all of my other commitments and responsibilities. So, in between car rider lines, work deadlines, getting dinner on the table, and keeping the house clean enough (or whatever your unique mix of responsibilities looks like), how can we as survivors create enough space to be intentional about our healing journeys? In today's post, I’ll share some insights and strategies that have helped me carve out both substantial blocks of time and smaller moments to focus on my healing journey in the midst of my busy life. Appreciating healing moments - big or small. One strategy that has been particularly helpful is embracing the reality that sometimes I can dedicate longer periods, such as a few hours or even a whole day or weekend, to focus solely on my healing. For instance, a few months back, I had the opportunity to attend a spiritual retreat for two nights and three days, which was incredibly meaningful. However, I also recognize that such extended periods are rare and might be considered a once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity. Therefore, I've learned to appreciate even the smallest moments throughout my day that I can dedicate to self-reflection, emotional processing, or learning new tools to support my healing journey. Even if it's simply a brief pause to check in with myself during a busy day, every moment counts. By making the most of these opportunities, regardless of how long they last, I've found that I can still feel like I’m moving forward along my healing journey. Planning ahead (at least tentatively). Proactive planning is another approach that has been incredibly helpful for me. With a busy schedule filled with urgent demands, differentiating between urgent and important tasks becomes extremely valuable. Urgent demands, like last-minute school projects or unexpected work crises, often disrupt our planned activities. To navigate this, it's helpful to create margin to accommodate unanticipated urgent needs in our schedules, while also proactively planning blocks of time for important activities. For survivors, this could mean scheduling counseling sessions in advance or setting aside time to connect with supportive friends. By arranging these activities ahead of time, we can set aside a dedicated space and time for essential aspects of our healing journeys. Of course, unexpected events may still arise, leading to rescheduling or cancellations. However, having a plan in place makes it easier to adjust and prioritize your healing needs, even when urgent demands arise. Seeking self-awareness through day-to-day experiences. Another strategy that has greatly supported my healing journey is viewing everyday stresses and activities as opportunities for self-reflection and awareness. While every aspect of daily life or reaction is not necessarily directly related to past experiences of abuse, we can often identify patterns or gain insights that contribute to our healing journey. Let me share a personal example to illustrate this concept. Some time ago, I faced significant stress at work that I was carrying with me into my evenings, making it difficult to relax and sleep. Although this stress wasn't directly linked to my past trauma, I noticed a pattern of ruminating thoughts that affected various areas of my life, including my healing journey and other stressors. By intentionally engaging in self-reflection and learning, I was able to learn new insights and seek new tools to help me work on reducing my pattern of ruminating. This process of self-examination and growth, even in seemingly unrelated areas, has contributed significantly to my overall well-being and healing journey. Infusing learning in regular routines. When times are busy, I try to integrate healing-related learning opportunities into my daily routine. I've found it helpful to seek out information and tools that I can build into times I’m working through everyday responsibilities, especially those that require less active mental power. For instance, I love listening to podcasts about various topics like personal development, personal finance, overall well-being, and even specific topics related to healing from abuse. Listening to these podcasts during my commute, while doing household chores like folding laundry, or during a walk has been incredibly helpful. Being intentional about incorporating these learning moments into my busy schedule gives my mind something positive to focus on and contributes to my ongoing growth and healing. Of course, it’s helpful to also have times when I try to embrace silence, so I don’t try to fill every single moment of my day with new information, which leads to the final strategy I’ll cover here… Staying present in each moment (as much as possible). This is still a work-in-progress for me, but I’ve been trying to develop greater mindfulness and focus on being present in each moment. During busy times, it's so valuable to practice self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves. Acknowledging when we're feeling overwhelmed is important, and we can also maintain a sense of calm by connecting with our breath and reminding ourselves that healing is a journey without a strict timeline. Staying focused on the present moment and the lessons it offers can be incredibly beneficial as we navigate our daily lives and continue our healing journeys. Conclusion. Remember: Each of us is navigating our own unique healing journey. There's no rush or competition to reach certain milestones faster than others or at a pace that doesn't suit us. Even when life gets busy, incorporating healing practices into daily routines can make a big difference. Even if it's just a few minutes each day, we're still making progress toward our healing goals and embracing our unique process. Sometimes, self-care and healing can feel like they take a backseat to other responsibilities. But finding moments, no matter how small, to focus on healing and personal growth is invaluable. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to prioritize healing and personal growth amidst a busy schedule. Feel free to share your ideas in the comments below to inspire and support others in the Source for Survivors community. By Christine Murray
Did you know that over one-third of the people who set a New Year’s Resolution will have already given up on it by the end of January? It’s natural to start the year with high hopes for making positive changes in our lives, but it can be difficult to stick with changes after reality and the busy-ness of life set in. If you’re a survivor on the journey of recovering from past abuse, you may be starting 2024 with some intentions of making positive changes in your life to continue your healing and overcome the lingering effects of the abuse you experienced. There’s nothing wrong with making New Year’s Resolutions as a way to set goals related to these changes. I’ll confess that I personally love setting New Year’s Resolutions and have a few I’m excited about this year. However, as this new year begins, I invite you to consider making commitments in addition to (or instead of) resolutions for 2024. In fact, you can make commitments at any point in the year, not just as we ring in the new year. Through The Source for Survivors, we intentionally use the term commitments in our Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model, and there are six commitments each in both the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. These are: (1) being intentional, (2) prioritizing safety, (3) taking a long-range view, (4) making steps forward, (5) reflecting, and (6) paying it forward, although this last commitment is always optional for survivors. Our Source for Survivors model focuses on commitments instead of other terms like steps or phases, because these six commitments are typically ongoing and don’t happen in a rigid, prescribed order. Also, although there are similarities in the meanings of the terms commitment and resolution, the Cambridge Dictionary offers a glimpse into the nuanced differences between these terms:
Making a commitment doesn’t have to cost a lot of (or any) money, and in fact the Commitments in the Pathways Model could all, in theory, be made without any direct financial costs. (Of course, financial resources can increase options and availability for some resources, services, and supports, such as purchasing relevant books or journals, paying for services like counseling or financial advising, or buying self-care experiences.) As we step into the possibilities of 2024, let's not only reflect on the changes we wish to make, but also embrace the commitments that align with our personal journey of healing. Take a moment to explore the Commitments in the Pathway for Survivors and consider whether any or all of the six Commitments resonate with you right now. Your healing journey is unique and ongoing, and these Commitments offer a framework for considering your next phases of growth. Whether it's January 1st or any other day of the year, every moment is an opportunity for new levels of commitment to your well-being and healing. Remember that your unique healing journey is your own, so you always can make the best decisions for yourself every step of the way. Here's to a new year filled with intentional commitments, continued healing, and an unwavering belief in your ability to shape your unique path! By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. |
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