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By Christine Murray
Progress can be painful. Along the journey of healing from an abusive relationship, as we strive forward toward brighter days ahead, sometimes we may find that even positive steps forward can feel uncomfortable and, at times, downright awful. Moving through past hurts and building new positive habits, goals, and behaviors can be very challenging, even when we know we are moving forward into a positive new chapter of our lives. This discomfort can come up for many reasons:
In some ways, it can feel unfair that so many painful feelings and emotions can come along with making positive changes, especially when we are being intentional about healing the trauma and hurts involved in past abuse. Shouldn’t life just reward us by making the healing process easy, especially after all we’ve been through? It’s natural to indulge questions like this at times, although spending a lot of time on them might not help us too much when it comes to navigating the realities of the healing journey. Whether fair or not, going through discomfort and painful feelings is a natural part of the healing process for many survivors, and it may even be a sign of our growth and progress. I’ll share a recent example from my own life to help illustrate how progress can sometimes bring painful feelings along for the ride. Several months back, I had to set a boundary and (at least temporarily) cut off contact with someone who had been a close friend of mine for a long time. I knew this friend was going through some personal challenges, but they were acting toward me in ways that were hurtful, stress-inducing, and not respectful of some boundaries I had asked them to honor. Over time, I realized their actions were taking a toll on me, so I let them know I would not be able to be in communication with them at that time. As I write this blog post, I’ve still kept the distance intact. On the one hand, I was so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic behaviors and setting a boundary. I know there have been times in my past when I would have allowed the negativity to continue, even if it was affecting me in unhealthy ways. It felt good to recognize the progress I’d made and know I took a big step toward prioritizing my peace. At the same time, setting this boundary with my friend was painful. I was sad to cut ties with someone that had meant a lot to me. Whether the cut ties will end up being temporary or permanent, I faced a lot of sadness and doubts as to whether I made the right decision. I knew I’d made a decision that reflected my growth and progress, but even knowing that didn’t make the decision less painful. Along our journeys toward healing and personal growth, we may face many situations that involve growing pains and seasons of discomfort. Feeling better often comes on the other side of painful emotions like this. We may even question if we’re making the right decisions or taking the right steps when we feel these kinds of growing pains. Here are a few practices that may help you navigate times when you find yourself grappling with painful byproducts of growth along your healing journey:
Remember, healing isn’t about avoiding discomfort but about acknowledging it as a sign of your incredible growth and resilience. Trust the process, and give yourself the grace you deserve as you continue to move forward.
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By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process. By Christine Murray
At The Source for Survivors, our goal is to share inspiration, tools, and resources to support survivors on their long-term healing journey after an abusive relationship. Healing is often a lengthy and complex process, and the healing journey can feel confusing and lonely, with many survivors lacking guidance and support along the way. As I reflect on the first several months since The Source for Survivors launched in early 2024, I realize that I haven’t yet addressed a fundamental question: What does it even mean to heal from abuse? Each survivor likely has a unique vision and experience of healing. Every person’s needs, experiences, resources, community context, cultural beliefs, and values are different. Because of this, their views on healing will be just as personal. However, there are some common experiences and components that many survivors share. In this blog post, I’ll share some of my thoughts on healing and invite you to consider what it looks like for you. Common Components of Healing Resolving Emotional Traumas. Traumatic experiences are individually defined but generally involve an event or series of events experienced as traumatic, followed by lasting consequences. For many, going through an abusive relationship is a traumatic experience that impacts their emotional, mental, and physical health. Healing can mean recovering from these aftereffects and reaching a point of feeling more resolved or settled. Some possible tools that may help survivors process the traumatic experiences they faced include therapy, journaling, self-reflection, and trauma-informed care from supportive professionals. Reconnecting with Yourself. Many survivors of abusive relationships come to feel disconnected from themselves throughout the relationship. They may no longer have a sense of their preferences, interests, or even their own identity. Healing can involve rediscovering oneself, rebuilding self-esteem, and reconnecting with personal likes, dislikes, and values outside the context of the abusive relationship. Managing Triggers. Not everyone experiences triggers, but for those who do, learning to identify, understand, and cope with them is crucial. Triggers can be anything from a song on the radio to an unexpected memory that pops in your mind. Understanding and managing these triggers in a healthy way is an important part of the healing process. Clarifying Your Views on Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. Setting Boundaries. Setting boundaries and navigating communication with an abuser and/or other people who are associated with your experiences of abuse can be an important part of healing. Some survivors can cut all ties, while others, especially those who share children with their abuser, must maintain some form of contact. Building interpersonal and communication skills and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can foster healing and emotional well-being. Finding Inner Peace. Achieving a sense of peace in life and within oneself can be another aspect of healing. While virtually no one (whether they are a survivor of abuse or not) feels peaceful 100% of the time, striving for inner calm and well-being can be a sign of significant progress toward healing. Prioritizing peace in survivors’ lives can help to guide decisions and reflect deep healing. Recognizing Your Growth. Some survivors find value in recognizing the growth that came from overcoming their experiences of abuse. This doesn’t mean the abuse was a positive thing to go through, but rather that overcoming related challenges led to personal strengths and resilience. This concept, known as post-traumatic growth, highlights how facing adversity can lead to profound personal development. For some survivors, part of the healing process is recognizing that they have grown and become stronger because of the challenges they experienced. Conclusion Above, I’ve described some of the major aspects of the healing process that resonate with me based on my own healing experiences and my work with survivors. As The Source for Survivors community continues to grow, I’m sure my understanding of healing will continue to evolve, and I hope you’ll join me in this evolution as well. I invite you to reflect on your definition of healing and identify which aspects are most important to you. Healing is a deeply personal and ongoing journey. By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can create a collective vision of what it means to heal from abuse. By Christine Murray
The journey of healing and recovering from past abuse unfolds differently for each survivor. It's a path that requires patience and perseverance because, for many of us as survivors, there are no quick fixes or shortcuts to healing. In our busy lives, finding dedicated time for healing can seem daunting. Yet, as we highlight in the Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model, committing to a long-term perspective is beneficial. Over time, deliberate steps we take toward healing, no matter how big or small, lay the foundation for progress and shifts along our healing journey. Today's blog explores practical steps—what I refer to as "healing accelerators"—that can gently help us move forward in our healing journey. Acceleration, in this context, isn't just about speeding up time. Instead, I’m referring to intentional investments of our space and energy into our healing process. These strategies are designed to support us in moving forward and nurturing our progress with care and purpose. Setting Aside Dedicated Time. Finding time for healing amidst life's demands can be challenging. However, even small doses of intentionally-spent time, like a few minutes daily or an hour weekly, can significantly impact your healing journey. Consider scheduling a weekend retreat or time to join a monthly support group as potential ways to prioritize your healing. Seeking Specialized Counseling. Working with a therapist trained in trauma and abuse recovery can be extremely helpful. Look for mental health professionals who are experienced and well-trained in these areas so you can seek out specialized support tailored to your needs. If you find a potential counselor who seems like they may be a good fit, feel free to ask about their training and experience in these topics to help you decide if they will understand your experiences. Connecting with Peer Support. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be invaluable. Peer support groups, whether online or in person, can offer understanding and solidarity, as well as you that you are not alone in your journey. Building Coping Skills. Equipping yourself with a variety of coping strategies is useful for navigating the emotional intensity of healing. From communication tools to relaxation techniques, developing these skills supports not only your healing journey, but they also can enhance your overall resilience in life. Mindful Emotional Processing. Deeply engaging with our emotions is important for healing. Of course, it’s important to promote your emotional safety while exploring complicated, often distressing emotions. Acknowledging triggers and seeking appropriate support (e.g., from a trained counselor or a crisis hotline) when needed supports our emotional resilience and guides us toward meaningful progress in our healing journey. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Setting boundaries can help us to protect our well-being. Survivors may need to set boundaries with their former abusers if they still need to have contact with them (e.g., when they share children), as well as boundaries in the context of stressful or toxic other relationships, such as with friends, family members, or coworkers. Learning to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries is important for maintaining a “buffer zone” around us that supports our healing process. Educating Yourself. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the healing process can empower you with insights into your own experiences. Learning new information often provides clarity and different perspectives, aiding in the journey toward healing and self-understanding. Reflective Practices. Regular journaling and self-reflection can deepen your understanding of yourself and your healing progress. Taking time to check in with your emotions and experiences can help us to gain self-awareness and personal growth. Conclusion There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and these accelerators may not be helpful for everyone. Healing accelerators can serve as intentional practices that can support and enrich the abuse recovery journey. I invite readers to share other ideas for healing accelerators in the comments below. Thank you for being part of our community as we aim to offer support and guidance for survivors along the healing journey.  By Christine Murray
If you’re healing from the immediate or long-term effects of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster at times. As I’ve discussed before throughout this blog, it’s so important to practice self-care and process our emotions while we are on the journey of healing from past abuse. Many survivors, such as those who share children with their former abuser, may need to stay in contact with their abusers even long after the relationship ends. Even if you’ve been able to cut off all contact with your former abuser, chances are you still will encounter difficult or toxic people and relationships. A helpful skill to learn when dealing with difficult, and even potentially unsafe, people is to practice taking a pause before responding to any intense emotions you may feel. Of course, if you’re facing an immediate safety risk, contact your local emergency authorities or a crisis hotline. (Visit our Other Resources page for more information about resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline for Mental Health Crises.) Taking a pause in emotionally charged situations can give you a short break to calm your mind and emotions so you can think more clearly about your best next steps. Sometimes, we can take longer pauses, such as if we can take an hour or so to cool down, or even a longer amount of time to seek out guidance from a trusted professional or loved one. However, often intense situations require quick responses, and we may not be able to take an extended break to fully process our thoughts and feelings. In these moments, even a brief pause can be helpful. Below are a few suggestions to begin practicing taking quick pauses when you’re facing intense emotions and situations. First, try to practice taking a “pause” even before you are faced with a situation in which you’ll need to use it, such as an interaction with your former abuser or another difficult person. This might involve simply thinking or writing some ideas ahead of time for what kind of pause strategies might work best for you. If you feel emotionally safe to do so, you might even try to imagine yourself in an intense situation, and then visualize yourself taking a calming pause to regroup in that imaginary situation. (If this kind of visualization is triggering to you right now, it’s okay to wait until you’re ready to use this technique.) One helpful strategy that some people find useful for taking a pause is to take a brief, but deep breath or two to help calm you in the moment. As you are taking your deep breaths, check in with yourself using the following questions: How am I feeling right now? What is happening in my body? What is my gut reaction for how to respond? Would this response be helpful or unhelpful in this situation? You may not have time to fully explore all of these questions, so pick the one(s) that are most helpful to you at the moment. Another possible pause-taking tool is to physically ground yourself in your body at the present moment. For example, you might tune into all five senses (e.g., “What am I seeing, smelling, and tasting right now?”), notice your feet planted on the ground, or use a comforting self-touch, such as gently massaging your shoulders. Keep in mind that brief pauses often can’t give you enough time to fully process your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in a stressful situation. However, they can be helpful to stay calmer and make more thoughtful decisions about your responses during a challenging relationship situation. Later, when you have time and feel safe to do so, you can further explore what was happening in your mind, body, and emotions in the intense situation, as well as reflect on how well the steps you took to pause in the moment worked for you. You may find it helpful to connect with a trained mental health professional to process these intense experiences. Remember that it’s a brave step to take to reach out for help when needed, and everyone needs a little help sometimes. Taking a pause can be a valuable coping tool for survivors of abuse, as well as for anyone else who feels uncomfortable responding to intense emotions in the heat of the moment. This tool can be most helpful when we practice it before we actually need it so we’re ready to put it in play when intense, stressful situations arise. By Christine Murray If I had to sum up the last couple of decades of my life in one word, "busy" would be at the top of the list. I know I'm not alone. Being busy is sort of a way of life in our world today. And this is especially true because of the influx of technology and just how busy life can be while managing all of the demands we face, whether that's our jobs, family, parenting, friendships, and other commitments in our homes and communities. I don't know about you, but there are weeks when I feel tired simply when I look at my calendar when the week is starting! In those weeks, my schedule feels so packed, leaving barely any breathing room. Along the course of my personal healing journey, one of the biggest logistical challenges I've faced has been figuring out how to carve out the time, space, and energy to devote to my healing in the middle of all of my other commitments and responsibilities. So, in between car rider lines, work deadlines, getting dinner on the table, and keeping the house clean enough (or whatever your unique mix of responsibilities looks like), how can we as survivors create enough space to be intentional about our healing journeys? In today's post, I’ll share some insights and strategies that have helped me carve out both substantial blocks of time and smaller moments to focus on my healing journey in the midst of my busy life. Appreciating healing moments - big or small. One strategy that has been particularly helpful is embracing the reality that sometimes I can dedicate longer periods, such as a few hours or even a whole day or weekend, to focus solely on my healing. For instance, a few months back, I had the opportunity to attend a spiritual retreat for two nights and three days, which was incredibly meaningful. However, I also recognize that such extended periods are rare and might be considered a once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity. Therefore, I've learned to appreciate even the smallest moments throughout my day that I can dedicate to self-reflection, emotional processing, or learning new tools to support my healing journey. Even if it's simply a brief pause to check in with myself during a busy day, every moment counts. By making the most of these opportunities, regardless of how long they last, I've found that I can still feel like I’m moving forward along my healing journey. Planning ahead (at least tentatively). Proactive planning is another approach that has been incredibly helpful for me. With a busy schedule filled with urgent demands, differentiating between urgent and important tasks becomes extremely valuable. Urgent demands, like last-minute school projects or unexpected work crises, often disrupt our planned activities. To navigate this, it's helpful to create margin to accommodate unanticipated urgent needs in our schedules, while also proactively planning blocks of time for important activities. For survivors, this could mean scheduling counseling sessions in advance or setting aside time to connect with supportive friends. By arranging these activities ahead of time, we can set aside a dedicated space and time for essential aspects of our healing journeys. Of course, unexpected events may still arise, leading to rescheduling or cancellations. However, having a plan in place makes it easier to adjust and prioritize your healing needs, even when urgent demands arise. Seeking self-awareness through day-to-day experiences. Another strategy that has greatly supported my healing journey is viewing everyday stresses and activities as opportunities for self-reflection and awareness. While every aspect of daily life or reaction is not necessarily directly related to past experiences of abuse, we can often identify patterns or gain insights that contribute to our healing journey. Let me share a personal example to illustrate this concept. Some time ago, I faced significant stress at work that I was carrying with me into my evenings, making it difficult to relax and sleep. Although this stress wasn't directly linked to my past trauma, I noticed a pattern of ruminating thoughts that affected various areas of my life, including my healing journey and other stressors. By intentionally engaging in self-reflection and learning, I was able to learn new insights and seek new tools to help me work on reducing my pattern of ruminating. This process of self-examination and growth, even in seemingly unrelated areas, has contributed significantly to my overall well-being and healing journey. Infusing learning in regular routines. When times are busy, I try to integrate healing-related learning opportunities into my daily routine. I've found it helpful to seek out information and tools that I can build into times I’m working through everyday responsibilities, especially those that require less active mental power. For instance, I love listening to podcasts about various topics like personal development, personal finance, overall well-being, and even specific topics related to healing from abuse. Listening to these podcasts during my commute, while doing household chores like folding laundry, or during a walk has been incredibly helpful. Being intentional about incorporating these learning moments into my busy schedule gives my mind something positive to focus on and contributes to my ongoing growth and healing. Of course, it’s helpful to also have times when I try to embrace silence, so I don’t try to fill every single moment of my day with new information, which leads to the final strategy I’ll cover here… Staying present in each moment (as much as possible). This is still a work-in-progress for me, but I’ve been trying to develop greater mindfulness and focus on being present in each moment. During busy times, it's so valuable to practice self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves. Acknowledging when we're feeling overwhelmed is important, and we can also maintain a sense of calm by connecting with our breath and reminding ourselves that healing is a journey without a strict timeline. Staying focused on the present moment and the lessons it offers can be incredibly beneficial as we navigate our daily lives and continue our healing journeys. Conclusion. Remember: Each of us is navigating our own unique healing journey. There's no rush or competition to reach certain milestones faster than others or at a pace that doesn't suit us. Even when life gets busy, incorporating healing practices into daily routines can make a big difference. Even if it's just a few minutes each day, we're still making progress toward our healing goals and embracing our unique process. Sometimes, self-care and healing can feel like they take a backseat to other responsibilities. But finding moments, no matter how small, to focus on healing and personal growth is invaluable. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to prioritize healing and personal growth amidst a busy schedule. Feel free to share your ideas in the comments below to inspire and support others in the Source for Survivors community.   By Christine Murray Did you know that over one-third of the people who set a New Year’s Resolution will have already given up on it by the end of January? It’s natural to start the year with high hopes for making positive changes in our lives, but it can be difficult to stick with changes after reality and the busy-ness of life set in. If you’re a survivor on the journey of recovering from past abuse, you may be starting 2024 with some intentions of making positive changes in your life to continue your healing and overcome the lingering effects of the abuse you experienced. There’s nothing wrong with making New Year’s Resolutions as a way to set goals related to these changes. I’ll confess that I personally love setting New Year’s Resolutions and have a few I’m excited about this year. However, as this new year begins, I invite you to consider making commitments in addition to (or instead of) resolutions for 2024. In fact, you can make commitments at any point in the year, not just as we ring in the new year. Through The Source for Survivors, we intentionally use the term commitments in our Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model, and there are six commitments each in both the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. These are: (1) being intentional, (2) prioritizing safety, (3) taking a long-range view, (4) making steps forward, (5) reflecting, and (6) paying it forward, although this last commitment is always optional for survivors. Our Source for Survivors model focuses on commitments instead of other terms like steps or phases, because these six commitments are typically ongoing and don’t happen in a rigid, prescribed order. Also, although there are similarities in the meanings of the terms commitment and resolution, the Cambridge Dictionary offers a glimpse into the nuanced differences between these terms:
Making a commitment doesn’t have to cost a lot of (or any) money, and in fact the Commitments in the Pathways Model could all, in theory, be made without any direct financial costs. (Of course, financial resources can increase options and availability for some resources, services, and supports, such as purchasing relevant books or journals, paying for services like counseling or financial advising, or buying self-care experiences.) As we step into the possibilities of 2024, let's not only reflect on the changes we wish to make, but also embrace the commitments that align with our personal journey of healing. Take a moment to explore the Commitments in the Pathway for Survivors and consider whether any or all of the six Commitments resonate with you right now. Your healing journey is unique and ongoing, and these Commitments offer a framework for considering your next phases of growth. Whether it's January 1st or any other day of the year, every moment is an opportunity for new levels of commitment to your well-being and healing. Remember that your unique healing journey is your own, so you always can make the best decisions for yourself every step of the way. Here's to a new year filled with intentional commitments, continued healing, and an unwavering belief in your ability to shape your unique path!  By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.
The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. |
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