Expanding Your Empathy for Survivors: Understanding all the Layers of Potential Impacts of Abuse5/21/2024 By Christine Murray
If you’re supporting a survivor along their process of healing from an abusive relationship, you may at times wonder, “Why is it taking them so long to move on?” or “Why is this healing process taking so long?” Of course, it’s important to remember that every survivor’s journey--including their timeline for healing--is unique. Often, healing from an abusive relationship takes some time, which is why the 3rd Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors is “Committing to adopting a long-range perspective for your healing and growth.” One way that anyone supporting a survivor along the healing journey can expand their empathy for the survivor’s experiences is by learning more about the many potential ways that an abusive relationship can impact survivors. Abusive relationships can have real and lasting effects on those in and around them. The extent of the effects that any survivor will experience will vary based on a variety of factors, including how long the relationship lasted, the severity of the abuse, whether they have a positive support system available, and whether the relationship is ongoing or has ended. Below, I’ll review some of the possible effects of abusive relationships. This list is not comprehensive, so keep an open mind to learn about any unique impacts that the survivor you’re supporting may have faced. Physical Impacts: There are many ways that the physical stress of an abusive relationship can manifest. A survivor who faced physical abuse may have experienced physical symptoms, injuries, or other effects, such as a traumatic brain injury (TBI). Other physical impacts--whether or not physical abuse was involved--might include sleep problems, headaches, muscle tension, a feeling of being physically “on edge,” and even chronic health problems resulting from long-term chronic stress. Low Self-Esteem: Over time, an abusive relationship can chip away at survivors’ self-esteem and lead them to question their self-worth. Abusers often directly and indirectly criticize and put down their partners. This is why it’s so important for survivors to have supporters who remind them that they are worthy of healthy, positive relationships, even if they may not feel worthy in any given moment. Self-blame: It is natural to wonder if you are to blame for another person treating you badly. Survivors may find themselves questioning what they did to deserve their abuser’s bad behavior. Abusers often add to survivors’ feelings of blame by outright blaming them for their abusive actions. Lack of Focus: An abusive relationship can present a major distraction and impact survivors’ mental focus. They may find themselves ruminating on things that were said or done in the context of the relationship. They may find it difficult to concentrate on their goals or other positive aspects of their lives. Reduced Energy for Other Areas of Life: Being in an abusive relationship can feel like it just sucks the life right out of you. An abusive relationship can be all-consuming of survivors’ thoughts and energy. Even long after the relationship has ended, survivors may have lingering impacts on their thinking patterns and energy levels as they are processing their experiences with abuse. Spillover into Other Relationships: Experiencing an abusive relationship also can impact survivors’ feelings of safety and comfort in other relationships, even healthier ones. Abusive relationships typically feel unsafe and untrustworthy. Survivors may find that they have a hard time trusting others, so it can take time to build safety and trust in new relationships. Practical Consequences: The specific practical consequences of an abusive relationship will depend on the unique circumstances of the relationship. Some of the practical or logistical areas in which survivors’ lives might be impacted by an abusive relationship include the following: finances, career, education, housing, extended family relationships, parenting and custody issues, and safety concerns. As you offer support, but mindful of any specific practical consequences the survivor has faced that may be impacting their overall well-being and healing process. The above list highlights how many layers and complexities survivors might be navigating along their healing journey. In addition to the individual impacts that are possible in each of the above areas, the impacts of abuse often intersect. For example, the practical impacts of financial challenges might make it more difficult for a survivor to access mental health care to focus on building their self-esteem. As you offer support to survivors, try to adopt a long-range view for providing support, as well as asking the survivor whether and how they’d like for you to support them right now. And, practice patience as the survivor is navigating their healing journey--while also celebrating and encouraging their process along the way. And finally, remember to take good care of yourself while also offering your support to the survivor.
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By Christine Murray
If someone you care about—a family member, friend, neighbor, or coworker—disclosed to you that they were in an abusive relationship, would you feel confident in offering support and providing a caring and informed response? It's common to feel anxious, nervous, and uncertain when faced with this scenario. However, there are steps you can take to prepare yourself to help someone in an abusive relationship. Here's a brief checklist to offer some steps you can take to be prepared if someone in your life is impacted by an abusive relationship: Things You Can Say:
Resources You Can Call:
Things You Can Do:
Offering support to someone in an abusive relationship can be challenging, but a strong support system can make a huge difference in the life of a survivor. Recognize your limitations and seek professional help if needed. The steps outlined here are a starting point to equip yourself with the knowledge and resources to support your loved one effectively. Explore our Other Resources page for additional information and support opportunities. When You Just Can’t Find the Right Words: How to Support Survivors When You Feel Unsure How to Help4/2/2024 By Christine Murray
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a friend or coworker is pouring their heart out to you, sharing their struggles, and you desperately want to offer support, but no words you offer seem adequate? For individuals who are supporting survivors of abusive relationships, this scenario may be all too familiar. Healing from such trauma is a complex and often lengthy process, filled with moments where offering comfort can feel like a confusing maze. Here are some suggestions to consider when you find yourself grappling with how to offer support to a survivor in your life: Practice Patience and Presence: Understand that healing is a personal journey, and there may be times when simply being there to listen without judgment is the most valuable support you can offer. Your presence and willingness to listen can provide comfort and reassurance, even if you feel powerless to change the situation and unsure of what to say. Focus on What Not to Say: In moments of uncertainty, prioritize avoiding statements that could inadvertently cause harm or invalidate the survivor's experiences. Rather than feeling pressured to find the perfect words, opt for neutral, empathetic statements that acknowledge the difficulty of their situation without trying to fix it. Avoid saying things that might sound judgmental or blaming. If you notice you may have said something that was unintentionally hurtful, acknowledge this and ask how you can offer sensitive support in the future. Take Care of Yourself: Supporting someone through their healing journey can be emotional and complicated, so it's essential to prioritize your own well-being. Practice self-care strategies such as deep breathing or seeking support from others when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, you will be in the best position to offer support to others when you feel healthy and supported yourself. Be Aware of Signs of Crisis or Distress: If you notice signs that the survivor is experiencing significant distress or mental health issues, don't hesitate to offer resources and support. Encourage them to seek professional help or connect them with hotlines and local support services if needed. Visit our Other Resources page to find potentially helpful resources, including 24/7 crisis resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the 9-8-8 Lifeline. Focus on Planting Seeds of Hope: Even if it feels like your words are falling on deaf ears, remember that small gestures of encouragement can have a lasting impact. Your words may not immediately resonate with the survivor, but they can plant seeds of hope that may grow and offer encouragement in their own time. Supporting a survivor through their healing journey is both challenging and meaningful. While it may feel frustrating at times, remember that your presence and support can make a significant difference in their lives, even if you can't see the immediate results. Thank you for being a part of the Source for Survivors community. If you have any additional suggestions or strategies for supporting survivors, especially during difficult moments, please share them in the comments below. Your insights and experiences are invaluable to our community. By Christine Murray
If you're in a romantic relationship with someone who is a survivor of past abuse, you may find yourself unsure of how to approach conversations or interactions related to their experiences with abuse. All relationships can be complicated, and a history of past abuse for one or both partners can add to some of the sensitivities that may arise in romantic relationships. In today's blog post, I'll share some strategies to help partners of survivors navigate some of the questions or concerns that may come up in relationships in which one or both partners have a history with relationship abuse. Of course, all survivors’ experiences and needs are unique, so be sure to consider carefully whether and how the suggestions provided here apply to your personal situation and relationship. First and foremost, remember that your partner is a complete person with experiences that extend beyond their history of abuse. While their past experiences may influence them, it's important not to attribute everything they do or feel solely to their past experiences with abuse. Take the time to get to know them for who they are, knowing that their past experiences with abuse are just one part of their overall life experiences. Second, if your partner chooses to open up about their experiences with abuse, respect their boundaries and give them time and space to share their story at their own pace. Understand that they may not feel comfortable sharing every detail, and that's okay. Over time, it's also important to reciprocate by sharing your vulnerabilities and experiences (whether or not they involve any similar experiences), fostering mutual trust and understanding in the relationship. Third, respecting your partner's privacy and confidentiality is crucial, even if the relationship ends. If your partner chooses to confide in you about their experiences, honor their trust by keeping their story confidential. This demonstrates your respect for their healing journey and reinforces the trust between you. Fourth, when discussing potential triggers, approach the conversation with sensitivity and patience. Your partner may have specific relationship situations or circumstances that trigger painful memories or emotions related to their past abuse. By understanding these triggers, you can provide support and navigate your relationship more effectively. Remember that triggers are like soft points in a wound when we are healing from physical injuries, and your awareness and sensitivity can help minimize their impact. Finally, prioritize and be intentional about building a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, communication, and support. Use healthy relationship skills (Note: click the link for a Toolkit for Couples that we developed through our Healthy Relationships Initiative team) to navigate conflicts, communicate effectively, and show respect for each other. Investing in a healthy relationship can have a profound impact on both partners' well-being and healing. Navigating all romantic relationships can be both positive and challenging. By prioritizing your partner's well-being, respecting their boundaries, and fostering open communication, you can build a strong and supportive relationship. What are some other suggestions you might offer to partners of survivors of abuse? Please share your thoughts in the comments, and thank you for being part of The Source for Survivors community. By Christine Murray
In all my years working in the domestic violence field, a recurring occurrence has been people from various aspects of life—be it through work, friends, family members, or neighbors—reaching out to seek help with supporting someone they care about who is involved in an abusive relationship. It might be their sibling, daughter, niece, coworker, friend, neighbor, or any number of possible relationships through which they are connected to that person. The theme of supporting a friend involved in an abusive relationship is one we've extensively explored through our See the Triumph campaign. You can find a Collection of See the Triumph blog posts and resources on this topic by visiting the following link: http://www.seethetriumph.org/collection-how-to-help-a-friend.html. In today's post, I’ll delve into a specific aspect of supporting a loved one involved in an abusive relationship—the importance of self-care. While dedicating yourself to caring for and supporting your loved one, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being as well. Supporting someone involved in an abusive relationship poses significant challenges. The journey can be tumultuous, time-consuming, and stress-inducing, even if you feel good about being in a position to offer your loved one support during the difficult time they’re facing. Offering long-term support can become challenging, and without proper self-care, supporters may face burnout. This burnout can result in severed relationships and the crucial support survivors need being cut off. If you’re in a position to support someone who is close to you as they navigate an abusive relationship, it’s essential to care for your own well-being while you’re offering support to the other person. Below, I’ll share strategies for caring for yourself while supporting someone in our lives who is involved in an abusive relationship. First, remember that the person involved is in the best position to make decisions for their own life. It's helpful to detach somewhat from specific outcomes or the steps that the person takes in an abusive relationship. While offering advice or making suggestions is well-intentioned, it can be frustrating when the individual doesn't follow your recommended course of action, whether it's leaving the relationship immediately or taking other steps that seem necessary to you. It's important to navigate any frustrations you face with patience and understanding, acknowledging that the person knows their situation best and may face complexities that aren't immediately apparent to you. In these challenging situations, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries between your opinions and thoughts about what should happen and the autonomy of the other person. Remind yourself that the individual will make choices they need to make, even if it conflicts with your well-intentioned advice. While you may have valid and helpful thoughts about their situation, it's essential to respect their autonomy and timelines. There are exceptions, particularly when mandated reporting is necessary due to abuse involving children. If you're aware of abuse that children are witnessing or are otherwise involved, and reporting is mandated in your jurisdiction, you may need to step in and make a report to the authorities even if that’s not what the survivor wants to happen. Setting aside these kinds of exceptional situations, it's vital to create space between your own perspectives and the survivors’ need to think through their unique situation for themselves. If desired, offer guidance and assistance without imposing your opinions, fostering an environment where they feel empowered to make their own decisions. This approach not only respects their autonomy but also strengthens their ability to navigate the complexities of their situation. Next, it's important to prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Supporting someone in the chaos of an abusive relationship can be very challenging. The concern for your loved one's safety, as well as your own, may be overwhelming. It's not uncommon to lose sleep or constantly dwell on how to help them. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, distraught, or experiencing secondary trauma such as sleep disturbances or nightmares related to the situation, it's a sign that it’s time to prioritize self-care. Take time for yourself to take a break from thinking or talking about the relationship, and engage in coping and relaxation strategies that work for you. Whether it's through mindfulness, exercise, creative activities, or any other strategies that bring you comfort, incorporating these practices into your routine can significantly contribute to maintaining your emotional resilience. Third, prioritize safety, including your own. Abusive relationships can be dangerous, contributing significantly to the concern and distress you feel for your loved one. While being there to support them, be mindful of safety considerations, placing the well-being of both yourself and your loved one at the forefront. Familiarize yourself with local resources and safety protocols. Know the local emergency hotlines and the procedure for immediate crisis situations, such as contacting 9-1-1 or the relevant call center. Being well-prepared ensures that you can respond effectively to potential threats and prioritize safety. Additionally, consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of your loved one. Evaluate the safety implications of the support you're offering and how you involve yourself in the situation. Abusive relationships can be volatile and unpredictable, so seek guidance as needed from local domestic violence resources in your community, including law enforcement, domestic violence agencies, and victim advocates. Trained professionals can provide valuable insights into the protections available for you and your loved one in case safety concerns arise. Collaborating with these resources enhances your ability to navigate potential risks and ensures that emotional safety is also prioritized in the support you provide. Finally, take a long-range view. Some abusive relationships end quickly, but often, they endure for a long time-frame that is marked by chaos and distress. Exercise patience with your loved one as they navigate their feelings, make decisions, and determine the steps to take. Understand that it's normal for the process to be extended, and even after the abusive relationship ends and safety is achieved, your loved one may still experience distress. In some cases, abuse may persist even after the relationship has officially ended. This is particularly true when survivors need to maintain contact with their former abuser, such as in situations involving children, custody issues, or ongoing court cases. Taking a long-range view involves recognizing that the aftermath of an abusive relationship may last for a long time. Find the right level of support to offer that feels helpful to you, and be aware of your own limits as you support your loved one on their journey. Conclusion. In conclusion, remember that you can provide support in a way that is both meaningful and sustainable for the long term. Offer to help connect your loved one with other sources of support so you aren’t shouldering every aspect of emotional, practical, and tangible support on your own. Connecting them with community resources and additional potential sources of support, such as friends, family, or co-workers, can help build a circle of support around the survivor. Even if you find yourself as a primary source of support, you can establish healthy boundaries for yourself as you offer support and take care of yourself along the way. Supporting someone through an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging. It may be tempting to disengage, and sometimes this becomes necessary, even if just for a temporary period of time. However, maintaining a long-range perspective, prioritizing safety, and offering consistent support can make a significant difference. What are some other ideas you have for how people can take good care of themselves while also supporting a loved one who involved in an abusive relationship? Please share your thoughts in the comments below. By Christine Murray
Survivors of past abuse benefit when the members of their communities are well-equipped to offer them support (if and when needed) during and after they’ve lived through an abusive relationship. This includes those closest to them, such as their friends and family members, as well as their extended social networks and the professionals they may encounter when seeking services and support of all kinds. In my years of experience working in the mental health and domestic violence fields, I’ve seen countless people struggle when someone they know reveals to them that they are or were in an abusive relationship and need help related to the abuse. For this reason, I believe everyone would be wise to be prepared to offer support to survivors. You never know when someone you care about or work with may disclose abuse to you, or when you may come to suspect that someone is in an unsafe relationship but is afraid to tell you. Take a moment to consider how prepared you would be if you were in one of these situations. There are a number of steps you can take to prepare to offer support to a survivor in your life. If you’re in a professional field in which survivors may seek your support, it’s helpful to seek formal professional training opportunities to learn effective strategies that are unique to your discipline and the organization where you work. For both professionals and members of the general community, you can seek out credible sources of information to learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships, the impacts of abuse, and trauma recovery processes. See our Other Resources page for some links to get started. Here are five other ways anyone can offer support to survivors who open up about their experiences with them:* First, show survivors that you believe them. Many survivors are used to their abusers trying to discredit or confuse them. It makes a huge difference to know that someone cares about you and believes you. It is very, very rare for people to lie about or make up stories of having been abused. Rather, it’s much more common that people minimize or deny the extent of the harm they have experienced. If a survivor opens up to you about having been abused, honor their experiences by believing them. Second, validate their emotions and the hurt and pain in their experiences. You might say, “That must have been so painful to experience,” or “You have every right to feel angry/hurt/outraged,” or even simply, “It makes total sense you’d feel that way.” Those kinds of validating words can be music to the ears of a survivor as they navigate the intense, complex emotions that often arise after having been abused. Third, be very intentional about avoiding any direct or indirect implications that the survivor was to blame for the abuse they experienced. You might remind the survivor that the abuser was fully responsible for their harmful actions. Also, you could say, “This was not your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way.” Fourth, whenever possible, give space for the survivor to make decisions for themselves, as well as set their own pace for healing and sharing their story with you. It’s always important to support survivors in being empowered to lead the way so that any support you might offer will be in line with what they need (and not just what you think they need). Fifth, offer your support, while being mindful of your boundaries and limitations on the types of help you can offer (either personally or based on guidelines of your professional role). You can reinforce your commitment to offering support by saying, “I’m here for you.” One more bonus tip for getting prepared to offer support to survivors is to become familiar with relevant community resources in your local area and where to find other resources if you’re helping someone who doesn’t live in the same community as you. It’s helpful to know about local and state domestic violence agencies, mental health counselors who are trained to work with survivors, and community resource and referral hotlines. National resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline are helpful to become familiar with as well. You never know if and when someone in your life might experience abuse or disclose that they have a history of having been abused. Whether you’re a professional who might encounter a survivor through your work or if you’re simply a parent, friend, coworker, or neighbor of someone who has faced abuse, you can make a big difference in the life of any survivors who may benefit from your support. Prepare in advance so you’ll be ready to offer your best support if and when a survivor opens up to you about their experiences. * Note: I’ve adapted these five tips from my TEDxGreensboro talk, Every Survivor Has a Story that Matters. Resources for Learning More About Abusive Relationships, Trauma Recovery, and Mental Health1/16/2024 By Christine Murray
An important step that community supporters can take to be better equipped to support survivors in their healing journey is to seek out additional training and information to understand common experiences that survivors face. Of course, it’s always important to keep in mind that every survivor’s experience will be unique, but some foundational knowledge about common dynamics of abusive relationships, trauma recovery, and mental health is extremely valuable for being able to offer adequate support. In today’s Pathway for Community Supports blog post, I’ll share some resources that I’ve reviewed and believe to offer credible information that may be helpful to professionals and other community supporters, including family members and friends who are concerned about a loved one. I’ve divided the resources below into three categories: (1) the dynamics of abusive relationships and impacts on survivors, (2) recovery from trauma and abuse, and (3) general mental health information resources. Please note: Since the list below includes a lot of links to external resources that I don’t have control over, it’s likely that their availability and/or the information they include may change over time. Therefore, please consider this list current as of the day this post is being shared (Tuesday, January 16th, 2024), and please consider carefully when you review these and any other resources about sensitive topics like these to decide for yourself whether they are credible and relevant to the unique circumstances of any survivor you are supporting. Resources about General Dynamics of Abusive Relationships and Their Impacts on Survivors
Resources about Recovery from Trauma and Abuse
General Mental Health Information Resources
Exploring the extensive list above may seem overwhelming at first, but remember, you don't need to absorb everything at once. Take it one step at a time. Consider starting with just one resource that resonates with you or addresses a specific question you have. Each piece of information you gather, no matter how small, contributes to your understanding and ability to support survivors on their long-term abuse recovery journey. If you've found certain resources particularly valuable, don't hesitate to share them with others who might benefit. Continuous learning is a key aspect of supporting survivors effectively. If you run into challenges or concerns with any of the resources listed above, feel free to reach out through our contact channels. Together, we can build a community of informed and compassionate supporters. Remember, an ongoing commitment to learning makes a meaningful impact on the support you offer to survivors. By Christine Murray
The Source for Survivors has two main audiences: (1) Survivors of intimate partner violence and other forms of interpersonal violence who are walking the long-term healing journey and (2) Community supporters -- including both professionals and personal supporters like family members and friends -- who are interested in supporting survivors on their long-term healing journeys. Focusing on community supporters, our Pathway for Community Supports outlines 6 Commitments to Being Survivor-Centered. Over time, we’ll share a lot of resources for community supporters related to each of those 6 Commitments. However, as we’re just getting started, today I’ll share a working definition of what being “survivor-centered” means. The term survivor-centered has long been used in the arena of services for domestic violence and other forms of interpersonal violence and abuse. Below is a brief list of some ways others have described this approach:
Building on the definitions above, our Source for Survivors working definition of being survivor-centered while supporting survivors in their long-term healing journey following experiences of abuse has four parts:
Understanding survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives. There are two main ways that community supporters can gain more insight into survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives. First, you can learn directly from the survivor(s) you are supporting. Take time to listen to their stories, use active listening practices, ask open-ended questions, create a safe space for the survivors to share more of their experiences (while also honoring their right to choose how much to share, and how soon), and withhold judgments and assumptions that may get in your way of truly understanding the survivors’ own experiences (versus your own interpretations of those experiences). Seeking to learn directly from each survivor you encounter is extremely valuable, because every survivor has a unique story to tell and has their own personal needs and perspectives. Second, you can seek out credible sources of information to learn about general dynamics of abusive relationships and the process of recovering from past abuse. While it’s so important to learn directly from each survivor about their unique experiences, it also can be extremely helpful to gain more general knowledge and awareness about abusive relationships and trauma recovery. This knowledge will help you bring a baseline level of understanding to the support you’re offering. In an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post (coming up the week of January 15th!), I’ll share some excellent free, online educational resources about domestic violence, abuse recovery, and mental health. In the meantime, you can visit our Other Resources page for a few initial sources of additional information on these topics. Prioritizing survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives in the ways you offer support. Understanding the lived experiences of survivors is an important first step to being survivor-centered. It’s important to build on that understanding and make an intentional commitment to make that understanding a priority in your interactions with survivors. Being intentional about this is so important that it’s the first Commitment in our Source for Survivors Pathway for Community Supports. Below are two examples of ways that helpers can bring this priority to life:
Empowering survivors to lead the way through all phases of their healing journeys. For decades, an empowerment approach has been integrated into domestic violence service agencies. This approach focuses on supporting survivors to make decisions for themselves and their own well-being. An empowerment approach is a valuable framework for supporting survivors who are in abusive relationships, and also while they are breaking free from those relationships. The empowerment approach also is a useful way to approach supporting survivors through the long-term healing journey, especially because abusive relationships are disempowering for most survivors because of the many ways that abusers exert power and control. For many survivors, the long-term journey of recovering from past abuse is a “long way home to myself,” as a survivor who participated in the See the Triumph research I’ve conducted with my colleagues described it. I’ve always loved that quote because it underscores how individualized the healing journey is. Unless there are immediate safety risks (e.g., if a survivor is in a mental health crisis and at risk of harming themself or others) or there are legal mandates for intervening (e.g., if there is suspected child maltreatment that needs to be reported to the authorities), in general it is wise to empower and support survivors in making decisions for themselves, even if you as a helper may disagree with those decisions. For example, if a survivor says they are not ready to seek counseling, but you think they really should do so, you should likely honor their decision and avoid pressuring them to seek that type of support. Aim to support the survivor right where they are, and continue to empower and support them in making the right decisions for themselves at any given moment. I’ll add that it’s very important for helpers--whether professionals or friends and family members--to take good care of themselves and set healthy boundaries while using this empowerment approach. We’ll cover the topic of self-care for helpers a lot in future blog posts here, but I want to acknowledge that the empowerment approach can be very challenging at a personal and emotional level for supporters, especially if you’re personally concerned about the impact of a survivors’ decisions on their own or others’ well-being. Keep in mind that you can also personally use an empowerment mindset in thinking about how to care for your own well-being, while also supporting survivor(s) along their healing journey. Engaging survivors by “making space at the table” for them whenever possible. Finally, especially at the organizational level (e.g., service agencies, healthcare providers, community systems), being survivor-centered often involves actively creating opportunities for survivors to partner with you to inform decisions and plans about how services and resources are offered to survivors. There are many possible ways to engage survivors in organizational decision-making, such as the following:
Recognizing the uniqueness of each survivor’s healing journey, it’s also important to aim for diversity in the types of experiences and backgrounds among the survivors represented in these ways. Conclusion. Being survivor-centered is a continuous journey, not a one-time task to check off. Just as survivors embark on a long-term process of recovery, community supporters, too, are on a journey to build and sustain a survivor-centered approach. In this post, we've reviewed a four-part working definition, urging an understanding of survivors' needs and experiences, prioritizing their perspectives, and empowering them in decision-making. Stay connected to the Pathway for Community Supports Blog as we delve deeper, offering more resources and insights to carry out the survivor-centered commitment. By Christine Murray
Embarking on the journey of supporting a survivor of past abuse is both a privilege and a daunting responsibility. As you listen to their courageous and vulnerable stories, you may find yourself grappling with uncertainty, unsure of the best way to provide the support they need. Every survivor has unique needs, varying at different points in their healing journey. Yet, survivors commonly share key needs when opening up about their experiences—needs such as support, validation, a safe space for expression, and encouragement. Recognizing and addressing these shared needs is crucial for anyone seeking to offer meaningful support. In this blog post, we explore five actionable strategies to create a safe and supportive space for survivors when they open up to you. From allowing them to share at their own pace to reaffirming ongoing support, these suggestions aim to empower you in offering meaningful assistance during their healing journey. First, allow the survivor to share their experiences with you at a pace that feels comfortable to them. Practice patience and allow the survivor’s story to unfold to a level and at a pace that they feel comfortable with. There may be parts of their experiences that they aren’t ready to share with you, today or ever. Reassure them that you’re there for them, but also you want them to choose to share whatever they feel safe and comfortable sharing, and it’s okay if there are parts of their experiences they want to keep private. Second, express open-ended questions and prompts in a non-judgmental tone. Once you’ve established that the survivor is leading the way in sharing their experiences with you, you can invite the survivor to share more (to their level of comfort) by asking open-ended questions and using open-ended prompts, while also maintaining a nonjudgmental tone. Below are a few examples you might consider bringing into your conversation:
Examples of validating statements you could make include, “That must have been so awful to go through,” “You have every right to feel that way,” “You have really been hurt by that other person,” and “It was wrong how the other person treated you.” Of course, use whatever wording feels right to you, as well as what you think will resonate with the survivor. These kinds of validating statements can go a long way toward helping the survivor feel seen and supported. Fourth, resist the urge to offer your advice or interpretations. While listening to a survivor share their experiences with you, you may have some ideas come to mind about advice you’d like to offer them. While there may be a time and place for offering advice, it’s important to stay focused on the survivor’s needs and perceptions. Before offering advice, consider asking a question like, “What do you think you’d like to do next?,” to prompt them to seek their own inner guidance first. If you do have advice you think is appropriate to offer, consider asking the survivor first if they’d like to hear it (e.g., “I have a suggestion I could offer about that, but is that something you’d like to hear now?”) or frame it in tentative--rather than certain--terms (e.g., “Have you considered trying…” instead of “What you should do now is…”). Finally, reaffirm your (and/or others’) ongoing support for their healing journey. Unless you are in a situation where you are certain you’ll only have one opportunity to connect with this survivor--such as if you are a one-time crisis responder or are a healthcare provider who only has one visit with the survivor--let them know that you’re there for them to provide future support if that would be helpful to them. If there are limits to the support you can provide, explain those limitations in an open, transparent manner, but also provide other potential sources of support that are available to them (e.g., “In our agency, counselors are only able to meet with clients up to three times, but here are some other resources in our community where you could turn for more long-term services or support.”). If you are in a position in which you can provide more ongoing support, below are a few phrases you could use to affirm your continued support for them:
Do you have other suggestions for how supporters can offer a safe space for survivors when they open up to them? If so, please share those suggestions in the comments so other readers can see them as well! By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Just because we're facing a new start doesn't mean that we're starting from scratch. It's easy for me to look at The Source for Survivors as something totally new. But, the truth is that even though this is a new resource I’m gearing up to launch, the resource and this specific blog post are, in many ways, building on my life's work and experiences that led me to this point of recognizing the need for this resource and mustering up the courage to launch it. Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. |
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