By Christine Murray
Have you ever wondered how you can make a difference during October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM)? During this month, it’s likely you’ll see more stories about domestic violence in the media, and you may even hear about community awareness events being held in your local area. Whether or not you have any personal experiences with an abusive relationship, your support of DVAM can go a long way. Awareness months like this one are important for bringing more attention to topics that are often hidden in the shadows, but that impact people’s lives in complex ways. Although community-level awareness about domestic violence has grown a lot in recent years, there is still a lot of stigma and shame surrounding this issue. More awareness efforts will be needed for years (and likely decades) to come. It’s important to raise awareness about domestic violence all year long, not just during October. However, getting involved in DVAM activities in your community and helping to raise awareness among your personal and professional network is important for at least two main reasons:
This October, be on the lookout for ways you can connect with and support DVAM outreach in your community and beyond. Here are a few possible ways to get involved:
If you are a community supporter who cares about the issue of domestic violence, then October is just one of the twelve months during the year when this topic is important to you. However, you can leverage the momentum around this issue during this month by getting connected to DVAM activities in your community. In this way, you can help support important initiatives this month that can make a big difference in the lives of survivors, as well as in the work of the professionals and organizations that support them. This October, I challenge you to take at least one of these steps to support Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Your involvement can make a difference.
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By Christine Murray
Over the past several decades, professionals and general community members have been gaining a lot more awareness about the many ways that traumatic experiences may impact survivors’ lives. The treatment of trauma by a professional or clinical specialist requires a lot of formal training. However, some of the basic building blocks of offering supportive, sensitive support to people impacted by trauma can be understood and applied by almost anyone. Trauma-informed approaches (also sometimes referred to as trauma-informed care) involve offering support in ways that reflect the unique needs and experiences of people who have faced traumatic experiences. In the US, the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association) have been leaders in defining trauma-informed care. The CDC and SAMHSA have partnered to offer a free, downloadable infographic that does a great job of mapping out six guiding principles for a trauma-informed care approach:
If you’re interested in learning more about these principles, I encourage you to visit the CDC’s website to learn more about these principles and the overall trauma-informed approach. If you’re supporting someone who has faced a traumatic experience, such as an abusive relationship, it’s a good idea to be familiar with local resources and trained professionals in your community if they need professional support. You can visit our Other Resources page for a few links to get started, especially for resources related to intimate partner violence and mental health. I believe that all people can practice some of the basics of trauma-informed care approaches, and as more people learn about and apply these principles, we’ll create safer healing environments in all corners of our communities. Below, I’ve included a couple of practical suggestions to bring to life each of the six principles listed by the CDC and SAMHSA:
The thought of offering support to someone who has faced such a difficult life experience as trauma can feel overwhelming at times. The guiding principles of trauma-informed care offer a helpful starting point, but even these can feel complicated when we’re just starting to learn about them. I’ve done a lot of work and teaching related to trauma-informed approaches, and if I had to boil this approach down to three simple suggestions:
When in doubt, remember three words: Kindness, Empowerment, and Connection. At times, you may feel confused about what to say or do when you’re supporting a survivor of abuse or other forms of trauma. However, these three words (Kindness, Empowerment, and Connection) can help you refocus on the basics, stay present in the moment, and offer sensitive support. By Christine Murray
If someone you care about—a family member, friend, neighbor, or coworker—disclosed to you that they were in an abusive relationship, would you feel confident in offering support and providing a caring and informed response? It's common to feel anxious, nervous, and uncertain when faced with this scenario. However, there are steps you can take to prepare yourself to help someone in an abusive relationship. Here's a brief checklist to offer some steps you can take to be prepared if someone in your life is impacted by an abusive relationship: Things You Can Say:
Resources You Can Call:
Things You Can Do:
Offering support to someone in an abusive relationship can be challenging, but a strong support system can make a huge difference in the life of a survivor. Recognize your limitations and seek professional help if needed. The steps outlined here are a starting point to equip yourself with the knowledge and resources to support your loved one effectively. Explore our Other Resources page for additional information and support opportunities. By Christine Murray
If you're in a romantic relationship with someone who is a survivor of past abuse, you may find yourself unsure of how to approach conversations or interactions related to their experiences with abuse. All relationships can be complicated, and a history of past abuse for one or both partners can add to some of the sensitivities that may arise in romantic relationships. In today's blog post, I'll share some strategies to help partners of survivors navigate some of the questions or concerns that may come up in relationships in which one or both partners have a history with relationship abuse. Of course, all survivors’ experiences and needs are unique, so be sure to consider carefully whether and how the suggestions provided here apply to your personal situation and relationship. First and foremost, remember that your partner is a complete person with experiences that extend beyond their history of abuse. While their past experiences may influence them, it's important not to attribute everything they do or feel solely to their past experiences with abuse. Take the time to get to know them for who they are, knowing that their past experiences with abuse are just one part of their overall life experiences. Second, if your partner chooses to open up about their experiences with abuse, respect their boundaries and give them time and space to share their story at their own pace. Understand that they may not feel comfortable sharing every detail, and that's okay. Over time, it's also important to reciprocate by sharing your vulnerabilities and experiences (whether or not they involve any similar experiences), fostering mutual trust and understanding in the relationship. Third, respecting your partner's privacy and confidentiality is crucial, even if the relationship ends. If your partner chooses to confide in you about their experiences, honor their trust by keeping their story confidential. This demonstrates your respect for their healing journey and reinforces the trust between you. Fourth, when discussing potential triggers, approach the conversation with sensitivity and patience. Your partner may have specific relationship situations or circumstances that trigger painful memories or emotions related to their past abuse. By understanding these triggers, you can provide support and navigate your relationship more effectively. Remember that triggers are like soft points in a wound when we are healing from physical injuries, and your awareness and sensitivity can help minimize their impact. Finally, prioritize and be intentional about building a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, communication, and support. Use healthy relationship skills (Note: click the link for a Toolkit for Couples that we developed through our Healthy Relationships Initiative team) to navigate conflicts, communicate effectively, and show respect for each other. Investing in a healthy relationship can have a profound impact on both partners' well-being and healing. Navigating all romantic relationships can be both positive and challenging. By prioritizing your partner's well-being, respecting their boundaries, and fostering open communication, you can build a strong and supportive relationship. What are some other suggestions you might offer to partners of survivors of abuse? Please share your thoughts in the comments, and thank you for being part of The Source for Survivors community. By Christine Murray
The Source for Survivors has two main audiences: (1) Survivors of intimate partner violence and other forms of interpersonal violence who are walking the long-term healing journey and (2) Community supporters -- including both professionals and personal supporters like family members and friends -- who are interested in supporting survivors on their long-term healing journeys. Focusing on community supporters, our Pathway for Community Supports outlines 6 Commitments to Being Survivor-Centered. Over time, we’ll share a lot of resources for community supporters related to each of those 6 Commitments. However, as we’re just getting started, today I’ll share a working definition of what being “survivor-centered” means. The term survivor-centered has long been used in the arena of services for domestic violence and other forms of interpersonal violence and abuse. Below is a brief list of some ways others have described this approach:
Building on the definitions above, our Source for Survivors working definition of being survivor-centered while supporting survivors in their long-term healing journey following experiences of abuse has four parts:
Understanding survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives. There are two main ways that community supporters can gain more insight into survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives. First, you can learn directly from the survivor(s) you are supporting. Take time to listen to their stories, use active listening practices, ask open-ended questions, create a safe space for the survivors to share more of their experiences (while also honoring their right to choose how much to share, and how soon), and withhold judgments and assumptions that may get in your way of truly understanding the survivors’ own experiences (versus your own interpretations of those experiences). Seeking to learn directly from each survivor you encounter is extremely valuable, because every survivor has a unique story to tell and has their own personal needs and perspectives. Second, you can seek out credible sources of information to learn about general dynamics of abusive relationships and the process of recovering from past abuse. While it’s so important to learn directly from each survivor about their unique experiences, it also can be extremely helpful to gain more general knowledge and awareness about abusive relationships and trauma recovery. This knowledge will help you bring a baseline level of understanding to the support you’re offering. In an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post (coming up the week of January 15th!), I’ll share some excellent free, online educational resources about domestic violence, abuse recovery, and mental health. In the meantime, you can visit our Other Resources page for a few initial sources of additional information on these topics. Prioritizing survivors’ needs, experiences, and perspectives in the ways you offer support. Understanding the lived experiences of survivors is an important first step to being survivor-centered. It’s important to build on that understanding and make an intentional commitment to make that understanding a priority in your interactions with survivors. Being intentional about this is so important that it’s the first Commitment in our Source for Survivors Pathway for Community Supports. Below are two examples of ways that helpers can bring this priority to life:
Empowering survivors to lead the way through all phases of their healing journeys. For decades, an empowerment approach has been integrated into domestic violence service agencies. This approach focuses on supporting survivors to make decisions for themselves and their own well-being. An empowerment approach is a valuable framework for supporting survivors who are in abusive relationships, and also while they are breaking free from those relationships. The empowerment approach also is a useful way to approach supporting survivors through the long-term healing journey, especially because abusive relationships are disempowering for most survivors because of the many ways that abusers exert power and control. For many survivors, the long-term journey of recovering from past abuse is a “long way home to myself,” as a survivor who participated in the See the Triumph research I’ve conducted with my colleagues described it. I’ve always loved that quote because it underscores how individualized the healing journey is. Unless there are immediate safety risks (e.g., if a survivor is in a mental health crisis and at risk of harming themself or others) or there are legal mandates for intervening (e.g., if there is suspected child maltreatment that needs to be reported to the authorities), in general it is wise to empower and support survivors in making decisions for themselves, even if you as a helper may disagree with those decisions. For example, if a survivor says they are not ready to seek counseling, but you think they really should do so, you should likely honor their decision and avoid pressuring them to seek that type of support. Aim to support the survivor right where they are, and continue to empower and support them in making the right decisions for themselves at any given moment. I’ll add that it’s very important for helpers--whether professionals or friends and family members--to take good care of themselves and set healthy boundaries while using this empowerment approach. We’ll cover the topic of self-care for helpers a lot in future blog posts here, but I want to acknowledge that the empowerment approach can be very challenging at a personal and emotional level for supporters, especially if you’re personally concerned about the impact of a survivors’ decisions on their own or others’ well-being. Keep in mind that you can also personally use an empowerment mindset in thinking about how to care for your own well-being, while also supporting survivor(s) along their healing journey. Engaging survivors by “making space at the table” for them whenever possible. Finally, especially at the organizational level (e.g., service agencies, healthcare providers, community systems), being survivor-centered often involves actively creating opportunities for survivors to partner with you to inform decisions and plans about how services and resources are offered to survivors. There are many possible ways to engage survivors in organizational decision-making, such as the following:
Recognizing the uniqueness of each survivor’s healing journey, it’s also important to aim for diversity in the types of experiences and backgrounds among the survivors represented in these ways. Conclusion. Being survivor-centered is a continuous journey, not a one-time task to check off. Just as survivors embark on a long-term process of recovery, community supporters, too, are on a journey to build and sustain a survivor-centered approach. In this post, we've reviewed a four-part working definition, urging an understanding of survivors' needs and experiences, prioritizing their perspectives, and empowering them in decision-making. Stay connected to the Pathway for Community Supports Blog as we delve deeper, offering more resources and insights to carry out the survivor-centered commitment. By Christine Murray
Starting something new is almost always exciting and nerve-wracking. This is my first blog post for The Source for Survivors, aside from the introduction posts to provide an overview of the Pathway for Survivors and the Pathway for Community Supports. As I pondered what my next first post should be, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure to figure out the “perfect” starter blog to set the right tone for the two Source for Survivors blogs. I’ve brainstormed lots of topics that I can cover in future posts for both survivors and community supports, but figuring out the “right” topic to start with felt really important. While sorting through my internal sense of pressure to pick the “best” place to start, I realized that this pressure is similar to how many people feel when they are facing new beginnings. Most relevant to The Source for Survivors, I realized the pressure of trying to figure out the “right” starting place for this blog is likely similar to how many survivors feel as they are starting on their healing journey, as well as to how community supporters may feel when they want to figure out the best starting point for making changes to be more survivor-centered. Why do so many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to figure out the right place to start? I think there are at least three big reasons:
Just because we're facing a new start doesn't mean that we're starting from scratch. It's easy for me to look at The Source for Survivors as something totally new. But, the truth is that even though this is a new resource I’m gearing up to launch, the resource and this specific blog post are, in many ways, building on my life's work and experiences that led me to this point of recognizing the need for this resource and mustering up the courage to launch it. Similarly, if you’re a survivor who is either entering a new phase of your healing journey or who feels like you’re starting a brand new healing process, remember that you’re not starting from scratch, either. Instead, you're building on a series of successes, challenges, failures, life lessons, and experiences that have brought you right to this point. The same could be said for community supporters who are looking to become more survivor-centered. The truth is, while you might at times feel like you're stepping outside of your comfort zone and don't know where to begin, in reality, you’re building on the collective wisdom, organizational history, and/or life experiences that you've had. It’s also important to resist the temptation to compare your starting point with the journeys of others. There’s a part of me that wishes that this were my 100th (or even 1,000th) blog post for The Source for Survivors. Wouldn’t it be nice to just fast forward to where other, more sustained blogs are, where any one single post didn’t feel like it carried so much weight? Perhaps, but I need to be careful not to compare my process with this blog with others (and even my own prior work, such as the See the Triumph blog, which has been in existence for over 10 years now!). If you're a survivor and you're facing a fresh starting point along your journey from healing from abuse, honor where you are today and try to avoid getting derailed by your perception of where other people are. Outwardly, others may look to be farther along, but we never know what kinds of internal struggles people are facing. It’s also possible that others are more progressed in their healing, but you only know a little bit about how long and difficult a struggle they’ve faced. Try to withhold judging or belittling yourself for where your starting point is in comparison to others. Keep in mind that your journey is your own. If you represent a community-based organization or service provider, or if you’re an individual striving to support a loved one who is healing from past abuse, honor your unique starting point as well. Look to other organizations or individuals who have taken steps to infuse survivor-centered supports in their approach for inspiration, not self-condemnation. It takes time and dedication to grow in your capacity to offer truly supportive, trauma-informed approaches. Making an initial commitment to being survivor-centered may not feel significant, but it’s an important catalyst for further change. Finally, it's crucial to acknowledge that there isn’t one 'perfect,' 'right,' or 'best' starting point when it comes to healing from abuse or embracing a survivor-centered approach. Honor your unique starting point. In time, you might reflect and think about starting earlier, later, or in a different way. But looking back, we don't always see things clearly, and hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Trust that you are getting started right where you should be. Embrace your journey, and remember, every step forward is a significant achievement. Today is a starting point for you (or your organization). Tomorrow will be a new starting point, and the day after that, and every day after that as well. Each day brings a new opportunity to commit to your healing if you’re a survivor, or your dedication to being survivor-centered if you are a supporter. Don't worry if it's perfect, if it's right, or if it's the best place to start. Just know that your starting point today is right where you need to be, and it'll take you where you need to go, especially if you commit to learning and growing along the journey. So, cheers to new beginnings, fresh starts, and starting points - even when we don’t know exactly where they will take us! I would love to hear about your thoughts about starting points, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. |
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