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By Christine Murray
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Children should come with an instruction manual.” The same could probably be said for romantic partners, friends, parents, work colleagues, and pretty much anyone else you interact with regularly. Life would be a lot easier if we did have an instruction guide to provide steps for navigating the people and relationships in our lives! Most of us receive relatively little formal training or education on how to build healthy relationships during our formative years, as healthy relationship education is not widely offered in our elementary, secondary, and even college-level educational systems. This lack of education is especially problematic when we encounter relationships that are chronically difficult, toxic, or abusive. If you are in a position to support someone through an unhealthy or abusive relationship that they are experiencing, you might be confused about what to say and do. Our Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporters Blog is here to be a resource with blog posts and information to help navigate many of the difficult aspects of being a supporter (whether personally or professionally) for someone who is a survivor of a current or past abusive relationship. In today’s post, we’re going back to basics to offer some initial insights into the dynamics of abusive relationships. This background information can provide a foundation for anyone in a position to offer support to survivors who are involved in an abusive relationship currently, or who are on the long-term healing journey after an abusive relationship ends. Differentiating Unhealthy, Toxic Relationships from Abusive Relationships A helpful starting point is to explore the different types of unhealthy and toxic relationships and to see how abusive relationships are different from other types of unhealthy relationships. In many cases, you can best identify unhealthy relationships of any kind by the way they feel--uncomfortable, hurt, confused, manipulated, or devalued, among other painful emotions. There are many different forms that toxic relationships can take, and a general definition of an unhealthy, toxic relationship is a relationship in which the negative interactions override the positive ones, and the relationship has consistently harmful effects for at least one person in the relationship. All relationships--even healthy ones--experience some negative interactions. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships, and in fact, a complete absence of conflict may be another form of toxic relationship if people are ignoring differences and problems and allowing them to fester. In truly unhealthy, toxic relationships, there is an overriding sense of negativity, such that the relationship feels draining, and it may even feel hopeless that a better relationship could be possible. Often, unhealthy, toxic relationships are the primary result of one person’s harmful behaviors toward the other person. However, both parties in an unhealthy, toxic relationship may contribute equally to the negative dynamics. When both parties in a toxic relationship engage in unhealthy, hurtful behaviors, both parties can experience harm. There are a lot of overlaps between toxic relationships and abusive relationships. We could even say that all abusive relationships are unhealthy and toxic, but not all unhealthy, toxic relationships could be considered abusive. With abuse, however, one person (i.e., the abuser or perpetrator) in the relationship is consistently using tactics to gain and maintain power and control over another person (i.e., the victim/survivor). These power and control dynamics are a key element that sets abuse apart from other forms of unhealthy, toxic relationships. It is the power and control dynamics that are the defining feature of abusive relationships. Both unhealthy, toxic relationships and abuse share features in common, including that they lack a sense of emotional safety, there are harmful effects for the individuals on the receiving end of the toxic or abusive actions, and all of these negative interaction patterns should be taken seriously. If you are questioning whether an unhealthy toxic relationship you or someone you care about is experiencing is abuse, reach out to a local abuse support agency (e.g., a domestic violence agency), a national hotline (e.g., the National Domestic Violence Hotline, https://www.thehotline.org/), and/or a trained mental health professional in your area for more support and guidance for your unique situation. Why Do Abusers Abuse? Often, we may assume that most people are doing the best they can given the insight and skills they possess and the life circumstances they are facing. My personal belief is that there is a relatively small percentage of people who are intentionally harmful and destructive toward others, although it is important to acknowledge that people like that do exist. That said, we can’t always assume that others are acting with our best intentions in mind. I believe it’s wise to be very cautious and avoid assuming positive intentions among people who have demonstrated abusive patterns of words and behaviors. People act in abusive ways in relationships for a variety of reasons, but generally, it boils down to a motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their intended victim. To some extent, it is helpful to try and understand why someone may be acting in an abusive manner However, remember that whatever the origin of a person’s abusive behaviors, all people have a right to be treated with dignity and respect by others in all areas of life, just as each of us also has a responsibility to treat others with the same dignity and respect. While different factors may be influencing a person’s harmful behaviors, these factors do not give them permission to make others miserable. If you are supporting a survivor of a current or past abusive relationship, remember that their emotional and physical safety are the top priority, regardless of any potential motivations behind their abuser’s actions. Key Takeaways about Abusive Relationships If you’re a supporter of a survivor of abusive relationships, know that you can play an important role in offering them valuable help and encouragement as they navigate any challenges they experience due to the abuse. By better understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships, you can best position yourself to offer informed help, especially given the complexity of abusive relationships. I believe strongly that everyone has a right to safe, healthy relationships in all areas of their lives. Unfortunately, some relationships do not live up to this standard, whether they are unhealthy and toxic or if they are abusive. Understanding the potential qualities of unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationships can offer a foundation for supporting survivors because this knowledge can help you meet survivors where they are along their healing journey. Here are a few key takeaways from this post:
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By Christine Murray The See the Triumph campaign, which is now a resource managed through The Source for Survivors, is a long-term, research-based campaign to develop supportive resources for survivors of abusive relationships and to end the stigma surrounding abuse. My Co-Founder (Dr. Allison Crowe) and I launched See the Triumph in 2013, and one of the all-time most popular resources we developed through the campaign was the following infographic, “How to Help Someone Who is Being Abused by an Intimate Partner”:  Because this resource is consistent with our Pathway for Supporters Blog and the other resources we share through The Source for Survivors for supporters of survivors, I wanted to share this resource here, as well as share some additional thoughts on why these 5 tips are so powerful.
Here’s a summary of the 5 steps:
Below, I’ll share a few additional points about each of these ways that supporters can offer support to victims and survivors of abusive relationships. #1: Do Not Judge Them It’s natural to feel confused or upset when someone you care about stays in an abusive relationship. However, it’s vital to avoid judging their choices. From the outside, it’s nearly impossible to fully understand their reasons for staying or the complexities of their situation. While it’s difficult—especially if you’re emotionally invested—judgment can create distance and make it harder for them to open up. Instead, focus on being a supportive, nonjudgmental presence. This approach shows them you value and respect their perspective, creating a foundation for trust and understanding. #2: Ask them what kind of help they would like for you to provide. When helping someone in an abusive relationship, start by asking what kind of support they need. While it may seem straightforward, this question can feel daunting—you might worry about offending them or fear your help will be rejected. Their request may surprise you; for instance, they might ask for childcare for a job interview rather than assistance leaving the relationship. Trust their judgment, as they usually understand their situation best. If they decline your help, resist the urge to impose advice. Instead, let them know you're available if they need support later. In some cases—like when lives are at risk or mandatory reporting is required—intervention may be necessary. Seek professional guidance whenever possible in such situations. Empowering them by respecting their choices fosters trust and ensures they know help is available on their terms. #3: Know your limits. Supporting someone in an abusive relationship is challenging and requires understanding your own emotional, knowledge, and physical limits. It's natural to feel sadness, fear, or confusion when helping a loved one in an abusive situation. Acknowledge these feelings and prioritize your emotional well-being. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor, and practice self-care strategies like exercise, meditation, or journaling. Maintaining your emotional resilience helps you provide consistent support without burnout. If you're unsure how to help, seek guidance from local professionals or resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can provide advice and direction while maintaining confidentiality. Additionally, assist your friend in navigating local support systems, recognizing this process can be overwhelming for them. Protect yourself by understanding the abuser’s potential threats, such as access to weapons or previous violent behavior. If providing direct help, like offering shelter, assess whether it could compromise your safety. When imminent danger arises, contact law enforcement or domestic violence hotlines to ensure everyone's safety. Knowing and respecting your limits empowers you to offer meaningful support while protecting your well-being. Remember, prioritizing self-care strengthens your ability to help others effectively and sustainably. #4: Offer to provide practical support that will promote their safety. Offer to help connect the victim or survivor with local community resources that are available to help promote the safety of people impacted by abusive relationships. This may include a local or national crisis hotline, a domestic violence agency, or legal and advocacy resources. This may also include resources to support their mental health, financial well-being, and other logistical or practical supports, such as helping them to connect with job training resources or offering to keep a copy of important documents that they may need to have readily available if they need to make a quick exit from their relationship or home. Visit our Source for Survivors Other Resources Page (https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/resources.html) as one way to begin identifying resources that may be helpful. #5: Tell them they deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love. One of the most powerful, yet seemingly simple, ways you can support someone who is experiencing abuse is by reminding them that they deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love. Survivors of abuse often endure not only physical or emotional harm but also consistent verbal and psychological degradation that can strip them of their self-worth. By offering affirmations of their value, you can help counteract the negative messages they receive from their abuser. Simple statements such as "You matter," "You deserve respect," and "You are worthy" can serve as reminders that their worth is inherent, regardless of what they've been told. While we may not be able to erase the damage caused by an abuser, we can help rebuild their sense of self through unwavering support and compassion, fostering their strength and resilience in the process. Conclusion In conclusion, supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be a complex and emotionally challenging experience, but by offering a foundation of nonjudgmental understanding, practical help, and consistent affirmations of their worth, you can make a meaningful difference in their journey toward safety and healing. It's important to recognize the strength it takes for someone to navigate such a difficult situation, and as a supporter, you have the power to offer the compassion and respect that can help rebuild their sense of self. Remember that your role isn't to "fix" their situation, but to provide meaningful support in the ways that you are able, create a space for them to make their own decisions, and help them they know they are not alone. Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from previous posts that I wrote for our See the Triumph campaign’s Collection: How to Help a Friend. By Christine Murray
Supporting someone you care about who is a survivor of an abusive relationship can be deeply challenging, especially if they are considering or decide to return to their abusive partner. Similar challenges might arise if the survivors has left their previous abusive relationship, but they seem to be entering a new one with the potential for patterns of abuse. These situations can leave supporters feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of how to respond. This blog post offers considerations for navigating these complex emotions and situations while maintaining healthy boundaries for your own well-being. Acknowledge Your Feelings An important first step is to recognize and honor your feelings. It’s natural to experience a range of emotions, such as confusion about why someone would return to an abusive relationship, sadness for the potential harm they may face, frustration if your support feels ignored, and anxiety about their well-being. These feelings are valid, and it’s important to find healthy ways to process them. Consider:
Take Time to Reflect Remember that you don’t have to figure out how to navigate this situation immediately. Allow yourself time to think through your approach and avoid making hasty decisions. If you’re planning to communicate your concerns to the survivor, consider drafting a message or jotting down your thoughts beforehand. Revisiting and revising your words can help ensure that your message is compassionate and clear. It’s wise to pause and take time to reflect on whether and how you’d like to address your concerns with the survivor. Understand When Intervention Is Necessary While it’s so important to respect survivors’ autonomy, there are situations where intervention may be required, such as:
Respect Their Autonomy In most cases when there is not legal mandate for supporters to get involved, survivors’ decisions are their own to make, even if you don’t agree with them. This means honoring their boundaries and remembering where their choices end and yours begin. As difficult as it may be, recognize that survivors are capable of making decisions for their own lives, even if those decisions might lead to further challenges in their lives. At the same time, remember that you also can be empowered to honor your own well-being and boundaries in terms of how you decide to respond, as I’ll discuss in more detail below. Communicate With Compassion If you choose to share your concerns with the survivor, aim to do so with kindness and clarity. For example:
Honor Your Own Boundaries It’s okay to take a step back from your relationship with the survivor if the situation becomes too overwhelming or unhealthy for your own well-being. This might mean limiting contact for a while or refraining from discussing the relationship. Your self-care is so important, and creating distance doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. Instead, it allows you to show up as your best self when you’re ready. Keep the Door Open Abusive relationships often involve cycles of leaving and returning. If you feel comfortable doing so, even if you need to take a step back from the relationship temporarily, let the survivor know that you’re there for them should they need support in the future. Avoid judgment or saying, “I told you so,” if they decide to leave again. Instead, focus on being a safe and supportive presence for them, while also caring for yourself in the process. You might also periodically check in with the survivor, even if you’ve stepped back. A simple message of care can remind them they’re not alone. Final Thoughts If someone you care about is returning to an abusive relationship, remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Supporting a survivor in this situation is rarely straightforward, but by respecting their autonomy, setting healthy boundaries, and keeping the door open for future support, you can navigate this challenge with compassion and care. By Christine Murray
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re continuing our two-part mini-series on dating in the aftermath of abusive relationships. Last week, we shared insights for survivors interested in dating again. Today, we’re focusing on another perspective here in the Pathway for Supporters Blog: What to consider when you’re dating someone who has experienced an abusive relationship. If you’ve recently started dating someone and learned they have a history of being in an abusive relationship, you might feel a mix of emotions—interest, care, and possibly nervousness about navigating this dynamic. It’s natural to wonder how their past experiences might influence your relationship and how you can be supportive. This post offers some insights on approaching this situation with understanding, patience, and respect. See the Person, Not Just Their Experience First and foremost, remember that your partner’s history of abuse is just one part of who they are. Like anyone, they’re shaped by a unique mix of positive and challenging life experiences. Resist the temptation to make assumptions or draw conclusions based solely on their past experience of an abusive relationship. Instead, focus on getting to know them as an individual—including their interests, values, dreams, and personality. Their experiences in an abusive relationship may inform some of their perspectives or behaviors, but they don’t define them. Approach your relationship with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand and appreciate the whole person. Create a Safe and Supportive Space If your partner shares their history with you, thank them for trusting you with that information. Let them know you’re open to hearing more, but respect their boundaries and timeline. Survivors often have personalized preferences for whether and how to talk about their past—some may want to discuss their experiences, while others may prefer to focus on the present and future. Ask them how you can best support them. A simple question like, “Is there anything you’d like me to know or do to support you?” can go a long way in showing your care and thoughtfulness. Avoid Stigma, Shame, or Blame Many survivors of abuse carry feelings of internal and external shame due to their experiences. It’s essential to approach this with sensitivity and avoid any words or actions that might suggest blame or judgment. Be mindful of your attitudes and ensure your interactions reinforce the fact that they are not at fault for the abuse they experienced. Educate Yourself About Abuse Dynamics Taking time to learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships can help you better understand your partner’s past experiences and reactions. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline provide valuable insights into the patterns of power and control that characterize abusive relationships. While this knowledge is helpful, remember that every survivor’s experiences are unique. Avoid making assumptions or projecting generalizations onto your partner’s story. Practice Healthy Relationship Skills Building a healthy relationship benefits everyone, but it’s especially important when dating someone with a history of abuse. Focus on qualities like open communication, reliability, respect, kindness, and honesty. If you’re not in a place to consistently offer these qualities to a romantic partner, consider taking time to work on yourself before pursuing a new relationship. Be clear about your intentions, and approach the relationship with sincerity. Creating a safe, supportive space for your partner helps both of you develop trust and emotional security. Recognize Your Own History While your partner may have a history of abuse, it’s worth reflecting on your own experiences as well--and it’s possible you also have experienced unsafe or unhealthy past relationships. Consider how your past challenges or relationships have shaped you and how they might influence your current connection. Sharing your own story in time, when appropriate, can foster mutual understanding and support. Avoid Harmful Behaviors Certain behaviors can harm a survivor’s healing journey and erode trust. For example, avoid:
Embrace Growth Together Relationships grow and evolve in unique ways, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a healthy connection with someone who has experienced past abuse. However, kindness, patience, and mutual respect are universal essentials. As you navigate this new chapter, remember that your relationship is a journey. Take the time to get to know each other, build trust, and explore your shared goals and interests. By prioritizing a safe, supportive context for your relationship, you’re laying the groundwork for a meaningful and fulfilling connection. For more resources on fostering healthy relationships, explore the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I’ve developed with my colleagues to find other tools designed to support couples in building positive, lasting connections. By Christine Murray
Last week, on the Pathways for Survivors Blog, I wrote about the significance of financial empowerment in the healing journey for many survivors of abusive relationships. This theme is a central focus of our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Healing and Empowerment After Surviving an Abusive Relationship, which I co-authored with Eileen Martin. Today, I want to expand on this topic by offering related information for those who are supporting survivors—whether as family members, friends, professionals, or community leaders. Understanding the Financial Impact of Abuse Financial barriers often create significant challenges for survivors, even if these challenges aren’t immediately visible. Survivors may not openly discuss financial struggles, as money-related issues can bring up feelings of shame or vulnerability. However, financial challenges are common among survivors, stemming from experiences like:
Offering Intentional, Caring Support If a survivor discloses financial challenges—or if you sense these might be impacting their healing—consider your role and capacity to help. Here are ways to support: Ask Open-Ended Questions: Start with questions like, “How are you doing financially since the relationship ended?” or “Have you noticed any financial impacts from your experiences?” These questions can provide insight while respecting the survivor’s comfort level. Explore Practical Support Options: Depending on your relationship and resources, you might:
Educate Yourself: Familiarize yourself with the dynamics of financial abuse and the broader financial challenges survivors may face, such as medical bills, housing costs, or legal fees. This knowledge can enhance your ability to offer informed and empathetic support. Connect Them with Resources: Resources are available to help survivors rebuild their financial stability. For a curated list of financial support organizations and tools, visit our book’s website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse. Additionally, you can help the survivor explore local resources that address their specific needs. Balancing Realism and Encouragement As a supporter, your encouragement can be a lifeline. Remind the survivor that they are capable and deserving of a brighter financial future. At the same time, avoid toxic positivity and glossing over the significance of financial challenges. Instead, you can acknowledge the reality of financial barriers while fostering hope. Supportive affirmations like, “It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, but brighter days are ahead,” can help strike this balance. The Power of Support Your role as a supporter for the survivor(s) you know is vital. Survivors often describe the immense value of having someone to lean on during challenging times. Whether you provide financial guidance, a listening ear, or a connection to resources, your support can make a powerful difference along their healing journey. For survivors navigating financial barriers, healing can feel daunting, but with the right support, brighter days are possible. Your compassion and presence remind them that they are not alone on this journey. By Christine Murray
Safe, stable employment can be a true lifeline for many victims and survivors of abusive relationships. A supportive workplace full of kind coworkers can be a safe haven for a victim who is used to being belittled, threatened, and hurt in their home. And, a consistent paycheck that provides a living wage can offer financial security to help a victim plan to leave an abusive relationship, as well as to help a survivor rebuild their life after the relationship ends. Unfortunately, however, many employers fail to provide a safe, supportive workplace that is responsive to the unique needs of victims and survivors. Sometimes, this is due to a lack of awareness about the dynamics of abusive relationships and the steps that employers can take to support victims and survivors. In other cases, employers allow toxic, perhaps even abusive, workplace cultures to flourish. In unhealthy workplace environments, the stress and trauma that victims and survivors can be multiplied. Thankfully, there’s been growing attention in recent years to the topic of how employers can address domestic violence. Organizations like Cornell Law School and the Workplaces Respond to Domestic and Sexual Violence National Resource Center are leading the way in creating model policies and resources that employers can adopt. If you are an employer, know that you don’t need to start from scratch if you’re interested in taking steps to address domestic violence within your workplace, and these resources can offer a helpful starting point. In addition to tapping into existing resources, below are some practical strategies that employers can use to better support victims and survivors who work within their organizations. 1. Provide regular, up-to-date training to anyone in a supervisory or management role. Supervisors and managers need to be equipped with the knowledge to recognize the signs of abuse and the appropriate steps to take when they suspect an employee may be in danger. Regular training ensures they are aware of best practices and legal obligations, helping them create a supportive and safe work environment for those who may be impacted by domestic violence. 2. Place informational resources about the signs of an abusive relationship and resources available for support (e.g., the National Domestic Violence Hotline and local victim service agencies) in visible places that are accessible to all employees. Posters, brochures, or even an internal website page offering information about domestic violence can provide employees with discreet access to life-saving resources. Visible resources serve as a reminder that the workplace is supportive and prepared to help, offering victims essential information without needing to ask for it directly. 3. Implement family-friendly workplace policies and allow for as much flexibility as possible with schedules during times of crisis or schedule demands related to the abusive relationship (e.g., court cases). Survivors of abuse often face significant disruptions to their daily lives, such as attending court hearings, seeking counseling, or finding safe housing. Flexible scheduling, paid leave, and other family-friendly policies can provide the necessary support for employees to manage these demands without risking their employment or financial stability. 4. Have “safe people” who employees can turn to when they are going through difficult life experiences, such as mental health challenges or an abusive relationship. It’s important for employees to know there are trusted individuals within the organization who they can approach for support, whether it’s someone in HR or a designated staff member trained in handling sensitive situations. Sometimes, employees may not feel comfortable talking to their immediate supervisor, so offering multiple options is important. It’s also important for employees to understand the privacy and confidentiality terms of any sources of support they may reach out to, including HR or an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). 5. Foster a safe, positive workplace culture because you never know what people may be going through at home. A respectful, non-judgmental, and supportive workplace culture can make a significant difference for survivors of abusive relationships. When the workplace is a safe and stable environment, it can be a source of relief and affirmation for employees who are dealing with trauma in their personal lives. Cultivating kindness and understanding in everyday interactions can have a far-reaching impact on those who need it most. Conclusion Workplaces have the potential to be places of empowerment and support for victims and survivors of domestic violence. By implementing thoughtful policies, providing accessible resources, and fostering a culture of compassion and understanding, employers can create a lifeline for those in need. The journey of healing from an abusive relationship is complex and often long, but when workplaces become supportive environments for survivors, they can be part of the solution. Every step an employer takes to support their employees in these difficult situations can make a powerful difference and ultimately contribute to a safe, supportive workplace climate. By Christine Murray
Have you ever wondered how you can make a difference during October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM)? During this month, it’s likely you’ll see more stories about domestic violence in the media, and you may even hear about community awareness events being held in your local area. Whether or not you have any personal experiences with an abusive relationship, your support of DVAM can go a long way. Awareness months like this one are important for bringing more attention to topics that are often hidden in the shadows, but that impact people’s lives in complex ways. Although community-level awareness about domestic violence has grown a lot in recent years, there is still a lot of stigma and shame surrounding this issue. More awareness efforts will be needed for years (and likely decades) to come. It’s important to raise awareness about domestic violence all year long, not just during October. However, getting involved in DVAM activities in your community and helping to raise awareness among your personal and professional network is important for at least two main reasons:
This October, be on the lookout for ways you can connect with and support DVAM outreach in your community and beyond. Here are a few possible ways to get involved:
If you are a community supporter who cares about the issue of domestic violence, then October is just one of the twelve months during the year when this topic is important to you. However, you can leverage the momentum around this issue during this month by getting connected to DVAM activities in your community. In this way, you can help support important initiatives this month that can make a big difference in the lives of survivors, as well as in the work of the professionals and organizations that support them. This October, I challenge you to take at least one of these steps to support Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Your involvement can make a difference. By Christine Murray
One of our main goals for The Source for Survivors is to help the supporters (e.g., professionals, friends, family members, and coworkers) surrounding survivors of intimate partner violence take a survivor-centered approach. As I wrote in this early Pathway for Community Supports blog post, there are at least 4 key ingredients to a survivor-centered approach:
I believe most supporters truly want to bring a survivor-centered approach to their interactions with survivors. Yet, some barriers and challenges can come up and make it difficult to fully carry out this approach, such as during moments when you feel unsure of what to say or do. The process of healing from an abusive relationship can be lengthy and complicated. If supporters get frustrated or impatient as we’re supporting someone in that journey, we might get tempted to jump in and impose our opinions or advice. Of course, there may be times when offering advice is warranted, and sometimes supporters may need to be more direct in expressing their concern for the survivor, such as if there are imminent safety risks or there are mandated reporting requirements to consider (e.g., if children are in harm’s way and a call to Child Protective Services is required). A helpful tool for keeping survivors’ needs and experiences at the center of our support is to focus on asking open-ended questions and maintaining curiosity to continue learning about their experiences. Open-ended questions lead to more expansive responses, in contrast to closed-ended questions, which tend to lean toward “yes,” “no,” or other brief responses. While open-ended questions aren’t a fail-safe fix in every situation, they can be valuable communication tools to help supporters approach conversations with survivors with an open mind. Tips for Using Open-Ended Questions:
Remaining survivor-centered is an important priority when offering support to someone who is healing from a past abusive relationship. Being survivor-centered is a mindset that supporters can bring to life by using communication tools like open-ended questions, as well as by conveying an attitude of curiosity and compassion through their words and actions. Incorporating open-ended questions into your conversations with survivors is a powerful way to honor their experiences and needs. Remember, active listening, empathy, and non-judgmental attitudes are essential. By embracing survivor-centered approaches, we can help to foster spaces of healing, empowerment, and genuine support. By Christine Murray
It can be challenging to support someone who you believe is in an abusive relationship but who doesn’t seem to be aware of the extent of the abuse or the danger they might be in. This situation often leaves supporters feeling concerned for the survivor’s safety, both physically and emotionally, yet unsure of how best to help them when they don’t see the relationship the way we do. Understanding Challenges to Recognizing Abuse In a previous post back in early June on our Pathway for Survivors blog, I discussed the complexities of recognizing abusive dynamics while in a relationship. Here are some reasons why people may struggle to identify an abusive relationship that they’re involved in:
Additionally, people may not recognize abusive patterns if they haven’t learned about healthy relationship dynamics or if they grew up in environments where abuse was normalized. Abusive relationships are further complicated by periods of calm or positivity between incidents of violence or abuse, which can lead survivors to question the severity of the abuse or believe their partner will change. Offering Support When supporting someone who hasn’t shared with you that they recognize they are experiencing abuse, but you’re concerned for their safety and well-being, here are a few considerations to keep in mind: Be Gentle and Supportive: A gentle and supportive approach is so important. Avoid using a confrontational tone, as it might inadvertently lead to further isolation for the survivor. Instead, opt for open-ended questions that encourage an open conversation and reflection. For example, you might ask questions like, "How are you feeling about your relationship lately?" or "Is there anything on your mind that you'd like to talk about?" These types of questions invite the survivor to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling judged or pressured. Nonjudgmental support is also key. Show empathy by actively listening to their concerns and validating their experiences. Avoid making assumptions or passing judgment on their decisions. Let them know you're there for them and you're willing to support them in any way they feel comfortable with. Building trust and rapport is a gradual process, so be patient and understanding as they navigate their feelings and experiences. Seek Support for Yourself: It’s natural to feel frustrated or drained when you’re supporting someone whose safety you’re concerned about. Throughout the process, prioritize your own well-being and seek support for yourself. This might involve talking to trusted colleagues, supervisors, friends, or other supporters who can provide guidance and perspective on how to approach the situation effectively. Consider joining support groups or seeking professional counseling to process your emotions and gain insights into supporting survivors of abuse. Remember that taking care of yourself is valuable while you’re offering meaningful support to others. Engage in Open, Kind Communication: Open communication is helpful when addressing concerns about someone's safety in an abusive relationship. Depending on your level of concern for the survivor's well-being and safety, approach the conversation with care and sensitivity. Express your concerns gently, using language that conveys empathy and understanding. For instance, you might say, "I've noticed some patterns in your relationship that concern me, and I care about you. Can we talk about how you're feeling?" This approach shows that you're genuinely concerned about their well-being and opens the door for them to share their thoughts and experiences. If you have specific concerns that they may be in danger, you might be a bit more directive with your approach, such as by saying something like, “I’m concerned for your safety. I’ve witnessed your partner saying and doing things that lead me to believe your safety might be at risk. Would you be up for talking about this, or for me helping you connect with some community resources that might be helpful?” Whenever possible, provide information about national and local support services, hotlines, or counseling options without pressuring them to take immediate action. Let them know that they have options and that support is available whenever they're ready to seek help. Respect their autonomy and decision-making process while remaining a supportive presence in their life. (Of course, if you believe anyone is in immediate danger, be sure to reach out as soon as possible to the emergency authorities in your community.) Conclusion Each person's journey in recognizing and addressing abuse is unique and unfolds at their own pace. It's important to practice patience, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize self-care throughout the process of supporting someone who seems to be involved in an abusive relationship. Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and seeking guidance and support from others can be invaluable as you offer effective and compassionate assistance to survivors of abuse.  By Christine Murray
Over the past several decades, professionals and general community members have been gaining a lot more awareness about the many ways that traumatic experiences may impact survivors’ lives. The treatment of trauma by a professional or clinical specialist requires a lot of formal training. However, some of the basic building blocks of offering supportive, sensitive support to people impacted by trauma can be understood and applied by almost anyone. Trauma-informed approaches (also sometimes referred to as trauma-informed care) involve offering support in ways that reflect the unique needs and experiences of people who have faced traumatic experiences. In the US, the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association) have been leaders in defining trauma-informed care. The CDC and SAMHSA have partnered to offer a free, downloadable infographic that does a great job of mapping out six guiding principles for a trauma-informed care approach:
If you’re interested in learning more about these principles, I encourage you to visit the CDC’s website to learn more about these principles and the overall trauma-informed approach. If you’re supporting someone who has faced a traumatic experience, such as an abusive relationship, it’s a good idea to be familiar with local resources and trained professionals in your community if they need professional support. You can visit our Other Resources page for a few links to get started, especially for resources related to intimate partner violence and mental health. I believe that all people can practice some of the basics of trauma-informed care approaches, and as more people learn about and apply these principles, we’ll create safer healing environments in all corners of our communities. Below, I’ve included a couple of practical suggestions to bring to life each of the six principles listed by the CDC and SAMHSA:
The thought of offering support to someone who has faced such a difficult life experience as trauma can feel overwhelming at times. The guiding principles of trauma-informed care offer a helpful starting point, but even these can feel complicated when we’re just starting to learn about them. I’ve done a lot of work and teaching related to trauma-informed approaches, and if I had to boil this approach down to three simple suggestions:
When in doubt, remember three words: Kindness, Empowerment, and Connection. At times, you may feel confused about what to say or do when you’re supporting a survivor of abuse or other forms of trauma. However, these three words (Kindness, Empowerment, and Connection) can help you refocus on the basics, stay present in the moment, and offer sensitive support. |
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