Supporting Someone Who Doesn’t Recognize They Are In An Abusive Relationship

By Christine Murray

It can be challenging to support someone who you believe is in an abusive relationship but who doesn’t seem to be aware of the extent of the abuse or the danger they might be in. 

This situation often leaves supporters feeling concerned for the survivor’s safety, both physically and emotionally, yet unsure of how best to help them when they don’t see the relationship the way we do.

Understanding Challenges to Recognizing Abuse

In a previous post back in early June on our Pathway for Survivors blog, I discussed the complexities of recognizing abusive dynamics while in a relationship. Here are some reasons why people may struggle to identify an abusive relationship that they’re involved in:

1. Investment in the Relationship: People may overlook red flags or minimize abusive behaviors due to feeling invested in their relationship concerning the time and energy they’ve put into the relationship already.
2. Manipulative Tactics: Abusers are typically skilled at manipulation, using tactics to confuse their partners, downplay the harm they cause, and evoke sympathy.
3. Self-Blame: Victims may blame themselves for the abuse they’re facing, especially if the abuser has convinced them it's their fault.
4. Trying to See the Best: Many people try to see the best in others, which is an admirable quality, but it can cloud our judgment when we’re dealing with someone who is abusive.

Additionally, people may not recognize abusive patterns if they haven’t learned about healthy relationship dynamics or if they grew up in environments where abuse was normalized. Abusive relationships are further complicated by periods of calm or positivity between incidents of violence or abuse, which can lead survivors to question the severity of the abuse or believe their partner will change.

Offering Support

When supporting someone who hasn’t shared with you that they recognize they are experiencing abuse, but you’re concerned for their safety and well-being, here are a few considerations to keep in mind:

Be Gentle and Supportive: A gentle and supportive approach is so important. Avoid using a confrontational tone, as it might inadvertently lead to further isolation for the survivor. Instead, opt for open-ended questions that encourage an open conversation and reflection. For example, you might ask questions like, "How are you feeling about your relationship lately?" or "Is there anything on your mind that you'd like to talk about?" These types of questions invite the survivor to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling judged or pressured.

Nonjudgmental support is also key. Show empathy by actively listening to their concerns and validating their experiences. Avoid making assumptions or passing judgment on their decisions. Let them know you're there for them and you're willing to support them in any way they feel comfortable with. Building trust and rapport is a gradual process, so be patient and understanding as they navigate their feelings and experiences.

Seek Support for Yourself: It’s natural to feel frustrated or drained when you’re supporting someone whose safety you’re concerned about. Throughout the process, prioritize your own well-being and seek support for yourself. This might involve talking to trusted colleagues, supervisors, friends, or other supporters who can provide guidance and perspective on how to approach the situation effectively. Consider joining support groups or seeking professional counseling to process your emotions and gain insights into supporting survivors of abuse. Remember that taking care of yourself is valuable while you’re offering meaningful support to others.

Engage in Open, Kind Communication: Open communication is helpful when addressing concerns about someone's safety in an abusive relationship. Depending on your level of concern for the survivor's well-being and safety, approach the conversation with care and sensitivity. 

Express your concerns gently, using language that conveys empathy and understanding. For instance, you might say, "I've noticed some patterns in your relationship that concern me, and I care about you. Can we talk about how you're feeling?" This approach shows that you're genuinely concerned about their well-being and opens the door for them to share their thoughts and experiences.

If you have specific concerns that they may be in danger, you might be a bit more directive with your approach, such as by saying something like, “I’m concerned for your safety. I’ve witnessed your partner saying and doing things that lead me to believe your safety might be at risk. Would you be up for talking about this, or for me helping you connect with some community resources that might be helpful?”

Whenever possible, provide information about national and local support services, hotlines, or counseling options without pressuring them to take immediate action. Let them know that they have options and that support is available whenever they're ready to seek help. Respect their autonomy and decision-making process while remaining a supportive presence in their life. 

(Of course, if you believe anyone is in immediate danger, be sure to reach out as soon as possible to the emergency authorities in your community.)

Conclusion

Each person's journey in recognizing and addressing abuse is unique and unfolds at their own pace. It's important to practice patience, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize self-care throughout the process of supporting someone who seems to be involved in an abusive relationship. Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and seeking guidance and support from others can be invaluable as you offer effective and compassionate assistance to survivors of abuse.