Caring for yourself while supporting a loved one who is in an abusive relationship

By Christine Murray

In all my years working in the domestic violence field, a recurring occurrence has been people from various aspects of life—be it through work, friends, family members, or neighbors—reaching out to seek help with supporting someone they care about who is involved in an abusive relationship. It might be their sibling, daughter, niece, coworker, friend, neighbor, or any number of possible relationships through which they are connected to that person.

The theme of supporting a friend involved in an abusive relationship is one we've extensively explored through our See the Triumph campaign. You can find a Collection of See the Triumph blog posts and resources on this topic by visiting the following link: http://www.seethetriumph.org/collection-how-to-help-a-friend.html. 

In today's post, I’ll delve into a specific aspect of supporting a loved one involved in an abusive relationship—the importance of self-care. While dedicating yourself to caring for and supporting your loved one, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being as well.

Supporting someone involved in an abusive relationship poses significant challenges. The journey can be tumultuous, time-consuming, and stress-inducing, even if you feel good about being in a position to offer your loved one support during the difficult time they’re facing. 

Offering long-term support can become challenging, and without proper self-care, supporters may face burnout. This burnout can result in severed relationships and the crucial support survivors need being cut off. If you’re in a position to support someone who is close to you as they navigate an abusive relationship, it’s essential to care for your own well-being while you’re offering support to the other person.

Below, I’ll share strategies for caring for yourself while supporting someone in our lives who is involved in an abusive relationship. 

First, remember that the person involved is in the best position to make decisions for their own life. It's helpful to detach somewhat from specific outcomes or the steps that the person takes in an abusive relationship. While offering advice or making suggestions is well-intentioned, it can be frustrating when the individual doesn't follow your recommended course of action, whether it's leaving the relationship immediately or taking other steps that seem necessary to you. It's important to navigate any frustrations you face with patience and understanding, acknowledging that the person knows their situation best and may face complexities that aren't immediately apparent to you.

In these challenging situations, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries between your opinions and thoughts about what should happen and the autonomy of the other person. Remind yourself that the individual will make choices they need to make, even if it conflicts with your well-intentioned advice. While you may have valid and helpful thoughts about their situation, it's essential to respect their autonomy and timelines.

There are exceptions, particularly when mandated reporting is necessary due to abuse involving children. If you're aware of abuse that children are witnessing or are otherwise involved, and reporting is mandated in your jurisdiction, you may need to step in and make a report to the authorities even if that’s not what the survivor wants to happen.
 
Setting aside these kinds of exceptional situations, it's vital to create space between your own perspectives and the survivors’ need to think through their unique situation for themselves. If desired, offer guidance and assistance without imposing your opinions, fostering an environment where they feel empowered to make their own decisions. This approach not only respects their autonomy but also strengthens their ability to navigate the complexities of their situation.

Next, it's important to prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Supporting someone in the chaos of an abusive relationship can be very challenging. The concern for your loved one's safety, as well as your own, may be overwhelming. It's not uncommon to lose sleep or constantly dwell on how to help them.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, distraught, or experiencing secondary trauma such as sleep disturbances or nightmares related to the situation, it's a sign that it’s time to prioritize self-care. Take time for yourself to take a break from thinking or talking about the relationship, and engage in coping and relaxation strategies that work for you. 

Whether it's through mindfulness, exercise, creative activities, or any other strategies that bring you comfort, incorporating these practices into your routine can significantly contribute to maintaining your emotional resilience.

Third, prioritize safety, including your own. Abusive relationships can be dangerous, contributing significantly to the concern and distress you feel for your loved one. While being there to support them, be mindful of safety considerations, placing the well-being of both yourself and your loved one at the forefront.

Familiarize yourself with local resources and safety protocols. Know the local emergency hotlines and the procedure for immediate crisis situations, such as contacting 9-1-1 or the relevant call center. Being well-prepared ensures that you can respond effectively to potential threats and prioritize safety.

Additionally, consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of your loved one. Evaluate the safety implications of the support you're offering and how you involve yourself in the situation. Abusive relationships can be volatile and unpredictable, so seek guidance as needed from local domestic violence resources in your community, including law enforcement, domestic violence agencies, and victim advocates. 

Trained professionals can provide valuable insights into the protections available for you and your loved one in case safety concerns arise. Collaborating with these resources enhances your ability to navigate potential risks and ensures that emotional safety is also prioritized in the support you provide.

Finally, take a long-range view. Some abusive relationships end quickly, but often, they endure for a long time-frame that is marked by chaos and distress. Exercise patience with your loved one as they navigate their feelings, make decisions, and determine the steps to take. Understand that it's normal for the process to be extended, and even after the abusive relationship ends and safety is achieved, your loved one may still experience distress.

In some cases, abuse may persist even after the relationship has officially ended. This is particularly true when survivors need to maintain contact with their former abuser, such as in situations involving children, custody issues, or ongoing court cases. Taking a long-range view involves recognizing that the aftermath of an abusive relationship may last for a long time. Find the right level of support to offer that feels helpful to you, and be aware of your own limits as you support your loved one on their journey.

Conclusion. In conclusion, remember that you can provide support in a way that is both meaningful and sustainable for the long term. Offer to help connect your loved one with other sources of support so you aren’t shouldering every aspect of emotional, practical, and tangible support on your own. Connecting them with community resources and additional potential sources of support, such as friends, family, or co-workers, can help build a circle of support around the survivor.

Even if you find yourself as a primary source of support, you can establish healthy boundaries for yourself as you offer support and take care of yourself along the way. Supporting someone through an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging. It may be tempting to disengage, and sometimes this becomes necessary, even if just for a temporary period of time. However, maintaining a long-range perspective, prioritizing safety, and offering consistent support can make a significant difference.

What are some other ideas you have for how people can take good care of themselves while also supporting a loved one who involved in an abusive relationship? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.