By Christine Murray
If I had to sum up the last couple of decades of my life in one word, "busy" would be at the top of the list. I know I'm not alone. Being busy is sort of a way of life in our world today. And this is especially true because of the influx of technology and just how busy life can be while managing all of the demands we face, whether that's our jobs, family, parenting, friendships, and other commitments in our homes and communities. I don't know about you, but there are weeks when I feel tired simply when I look at my calendar when the week is starting! In those weeks, my schedule feels so packed, leaving barely any breathing room. Along the course of my personal healing journey, one of the biggest logistical challenges I've faced has been figuring out how to carve out the time, space, and energy to devote to my healing in the middle of all of my other commitments and responsibilities. So, in between car rider lines, work deadlines, getting dinner on the table, and keeping the house clean enough (or whatever your unique mix of responsibilities looks like), how can we as survivors create enough space to be intentional about our healing journeys? In today's post, I’ll share some insights and strategies that have helped me carve out both substantial blocks of time and smaller moments to focus on my healing journey in the midst of my busy life. Appreciating healing moments - big or small. One strategy that has been particularly helpful is embracing the reality that sometimes I can dedicate longer periods, such as a few hours or even a whole day or weekend, to focus solely on my healing. For instance, a few months back, I had the opportunity to attend a spiritual retreat for two nights and three days, which was incredibly meaningful. However, I also recognize that such extended periods are rare and might be considered a once-in-a-blue-moon opportunity. Therefore, I've learned to appreciate even the smallest moments throughout my day that I can dedicate to self-reflection, emotional processing, or learning new tools to support my healing journey. Even if it's simply a brief pause to check in with myself during a busy day, every moment counts. By making the most of these opportunities, regardless of how long they last, I've found that I can still feel like I’m moving forward along my healing journey. Planning ahead (at least tentatively). Proactive planning is another approach that has been incredibly helpful for me. With a busy schedule filled with urgent demands, differentiating between urgent and important tasks becomes extremely valuable. Urgent demands, like last-minute school projects or unexpected work crises, often disrupt our planned activities. To navigate this, it's helpful to create margin to accommodate unanticipated urgent needs in our schedules, while also proactively planning blocks of time for important activities. For survivors, this could mean scheduling counseling sessions in advance or setting aside time to connect with supportive friends. By arranging these activities ahead of time, we can set aside a dedicated space and time for essential aspects of our healing journeys. Of course, unexpected events may still arise, leading to rescheduling or cancellations. However, having a plan in place makes it easier to adjust and prioritize your healing needs, even when urgent demands arise. Seeking self-awareness through day-to-day experiences. Another strategy that has greatly supported my healing journey is viewing everyday stresses and activities as opportunities for self-reflection and awareness. While every aspect of daily life or reaction is not necessarily directly related to past experiences of abuse, we can often identify patterns or gain insights that contribute to our healing journey. Let me share a personal example to illustrate this concept. Some time ago, I faced significant stress at work that I was carrying with me into my evenings, making it difficult to relax and sleep. Although this stress wasn't directly linked to my past trauma, I noticed a pattern of ruminating thoughts that affected various areas of my life, including my healing journey and other stressors. By intentionally engaging in self-reflection and learning, I was able to learn new insights and seek new tools to help me work on reducing my pattern of ruminating. This process of self-examination and growth, even in seemingly unrelated areas, has contributed significantly to my overall well-being and healing journey. Infusing learning in regular routines. When times are busy, I try to integrate healing-related learning opportunities into my daily routine. I've found it helpful to seek out information and tools that I can build into times I’m working through everyday responsibilities, especially those that require less active mental power. For instance, I love listening to podcasts about various topics like personal development, personal finance, overall well-being, and even specific topics related to healing from abuse. Listening to these podcasts during my commute, while doing household chores like folding laundry, or during a walk has been incredibly helpful. Being intentional about incorporating these learning moments into my busy schedule gives my mind something positive to focus on and contributes to my ongoing growth and healing. Of course, it’s helpful to also have times when I try to embrace silence, so I don’t try to fill every single moment of my day with new information, which leads to the final strategy I’ll cover here… Staying present in each moment (as much as possible). This is still a work-in-progress for me, but I’ve been trying to develop greater mindfulness and focus on being present in each moment. During busy times, it's so valuable to practice self-compassion and kindness towards ourselves. Acknowledging when we're feeling overwhelmed is important, and we can also maintain a sense of calm by connecting with our breath and reminding ourselves that healing is a journey without a strict timeline. Staying focused on the present moment and the lessons it offers can be incredibly beneficial as we navigate our daily lives and continue our healing journeys. Conclusion. Remember: Each of us is navigating our own unique healing journey. There's no rush or competition to reach certain milestones faster than others or at a pace that doesn't suit us. Even when life gets busy, incorporating healing practices into daily routines can make a big difference. Even if it's just a few minutes each day, we're still making progress toward our healing goals and embracing our unique process. Sometimes, self-care and healing can feel like they take a backseat to other responsibilities. But finding moments, no matter how small, to focus on healing and personal growth is invaluable. I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to prioritize healing and personal growth amidst a busy schedule. Feel free to share your ideas in the comments below to inspire and support others in the Source for Survivors community.
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By Christine Murray
Restful sleep is not just a luxury but a crucial component of your healing journey after experiencing something traumatic like an abusive relationship. Getting enough restful sleep is crucial for our overall well-being, especially when healing from the impact of an abusive relationship. The stress and trauma from experiences in an abusive relationship can disrupt sleep patterns, making it challenging to achieve peaceful and restorative rest. If you have trouble sleeping because of distressing thoughts or memories that arise at bedtime (or if you wake up in the middle of the night), consider incorporating intentional practices to clear your mind before bedtime, such as the "Mind Dump" technique described below. I’ve been using this technique myself for many years, and it’s really valuable at times when my mind has a hard time settling down, especially during times of stress. “Mind Dumping” has offered me a way to clear my mind, while also providing reassurance that I won’t forget important points that my mind is processing. Mind-clearing techniques are especially helpful when you combine them with other healthy sleep habits, such as keeping a pretty consistent bedtime and creating a comfortable sleep environment. In addition to these habits, dedicating a few minutes each night to intentionally clear your mind can help to ease your transition into a restful night’s sleep. Here's how you can practice the Mind Dump technique:
By incorporating mind-clearing techniques into your nightly routine, you can create more space for mental clarity and relaxation, paving the way for more restful and restorative sleep. Remember, prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being is an essential part of your healing journey, and a good night’s sleep can go a long way toward promoting your overall well-being. If you find that your sleep--or any other aspects of your overall well-being--continues to struggle even after using self-help strategies like this one, consider reaching out for help from a trained professional. Our Other Resources page offers some initial tools for seeking professional support along your healing journey. By Christine Murray Do you ever wish you could tell the person who hurt you just how much their harmful actions impacted your life? Often, people who use abusive behaviors in relationships aren’t receptive to hearing this information, but there is still a lot of value in expressing what’s on your mind. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing a journal page you can use to write a never-to-be-sent letter to the person who hurt you describing how their words and behaviors have impacted you. You can download this journal page at the bottom of this post. While at some point you might directly communicate some or all of your thoughts to the other person (if it is safe and wise to do so), in this exercise, it’s important to commit to writing your letter and never sharing it with them. This is so you’ll feel permission to say anything you need to say without being concerned with anyone else seeing what you’ve written. Be sure to take good care of yourself during this process. Writing a letter like this can be cathartic, but it also potentially can bring up uncomfortable or distressing emotions. You may find it helpful to review these two prior Source for Survivors blog posts before you work on your letter: Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered and Riding Emotional Roller Coasters. Once you’ve written your letter, consider what would be most helpful to you in terms of what to do with it. You might decide to hold on to it for a while so you can re-read your thoughts, or you may find some release in destroying it, such as by ripping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the trash. Keep in mind that this exercise, along with any other steps you take in your healing journey, are meant to be meaningful to you. So, give yourself permission to decide whether this would be helpful to you, and if so, how you can do it in a way that will be most helpful to you. Please click below if you’d like to download a free pdf copy of the journal page. I hope it’s a useful tool for you, now or at some point in the future!
By Christine Murray
As a trained mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist, I’ve always said that the day I stop believing people can change is the day I should leave my profession. Yet, changing long-standing patterns in how people think and behave is no easy feat; it demands determination and persistence. Moreover, as we age, our habits often become more entrenched, making change even more challenging if people have been using similar behaviors for a long period of time. While change is always possible, the more pertinent question often becomes: Is change likely? If you're navigating or recovering from a toxic or abusive relationship that is the result of another person’s harmful behaviors toward you, you've likely wondered, "Will this person ever change? Can they even change? Do they want to change?" While people can indeed change under some circumstances, they typically must do so driven by their own desire, on their timeline, and through their chosen process. One crucial indicator of potential change is whether the person shows a genuine interest in doing so. Even more fundamentally, they must recognize the need for change due to the harm their behaviors inflict on others. The likelihood of someone altering harmful behaviors increases if they acknowledge the problem and express a genuine commitment to address it. People who regularly engage in hurtful behaviors and consistently show a pattern of avoiding responsibility and accountability are the ones that raise the biggest red flags for me. One decision you can make to guard your well-being is to consider how long you may want to give a relationship to see if it will change. Change can take time, so it makes sense to be patient in some situations, especially if the other person is showing a genuine interest in working on their behaviors and the relationship. On the other hand, waiting for a harmful person to change could be an extended, or even lifetime, commitment, and you may not be willing to take on the suffering that you might endure over that time frame. Try to realistically assess the other person’s willingness and capacity to change, and work to put healthy boundaries in place if you decide to wait on a hopeful change in a toxic relationship. Take good care of yourself, and make your emotional and physical safety a priority when you’re dealing with someone who has hurt you. Be sure to seek professional help if you feel your safety is at risk or if you think a trained professional could help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about a specific person in your life. And always know you are worthy of making decisions that foster your personal growth, healing, and safety - even when these decisions can be difficult to make at times. By Christine Murray
Along your journey of healing from abuse, carefully consider the people you allow into your inner circle. Building a strong support network can be challenging, especially if you've experienced isolation as a result of abuse tactics that your abuser used. As much as possible, surround yourself with positive influences and limit the negative impact of unsupportive people. In today's post, I’ll share some suggestions for how to build the right team of support around you during your healing journey. Reflect on Your Current Support Network: Give some thought to the people currently in your life who offer support, including friends, family, acquaintances, and professionals such as counselors or legal advisors. Evaluate whether your current network meets your needs and identify any gaps in the level and types of support you’d like to have, as well as make note of any relationships that may be detrimental to your healing journey. If Possible, Rebuild Damaged Connections: If it feels healthy and safe to do so, consider reaching out to repair relationships that may have been strained or severed due to the dynamics of abuse. Understand that not everyone may be open to reconciliation, and trust that anyone who isn’t open to rebuilding a relationship is not meant to be part of your journey, at least at this time. Seek New Sources of Support: Be intentional about expanding your support network by seeking out new connections and resources. This may include attending support groups, joining social media communities for survivors, or building new friendships based on shared interests or beliefs, such as a hobby or within a spiritual or religious community. Remember that even a small, solid group of supporters can be invaluable to your healing process. Consider Professional Support: If possible, seek support from trained professionals, such as counselors or support group facilitators, especially if your informal supporters are limited right now. Professional support can offer individualized guidance and additional resources that can help meet your unique needs. Exercise Caution in Sharing Your Story: Be mindful of who you trust with your most personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Make note of any hurtful or unsupportive behavior from the people in your life. Take time to share your story with trusted individuals, and be prepared to set boundaries or distance yourself from anyone who violates your trust. Set Boundaries and Limit Negative Influences: Establish clear boundaries with individuals who detract from your healing journey, and consider reducing or cutting off contact if necessary. While ending relationships can be painful, it may be necessary at times if you know that someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for progress in your healing journey. Overall building the right support team is a really important aspect of your healing journey. Take time to nurture healthy relationships and seek out supporters who will empower and uplift you. Remember: You are deserving of compassionate, supportive individuals in your corner as you navigate your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Social media often gets a bad rap for its potential to create distress, leading us down the rabbit holes of comparison and mindless scrolling. For survivors of abusive relationships, navigating social media can sometimes feel like tiptoeing through a minefield of triggers and relational challenges. However, despite the potential pitfalls, social media is an integral part of many of our daily lives. Because of this, it's crucial to consider how we can leverage it as a tool to support our healing journey while mitigating its harmful effects. Personally, I've found that by taking proactive steps to manage how I engage with social media, it has become a powerful tool for connection, information, and inspiration in my own healing journey - even though, admittedly, sometimes it does still create stress and challenges as well! Here are some strategies that have worked for me, and I'd also love to hear your thoughts and ideas on how you think survivors can use social media to promote their healing.
By Christine Murray
The term "triggered" has become a bit of a buzzword lately, extending beyond its original use in trauma-related contexts and entering mainstream language. It's not uncommon to see it in memes or hear the term in casual jokes. However, for survivors of trauma and past abuse, being triggered is a very real and serious experience, and it's far from a laughing matter. When you're a survivor, being triggered can be deeply distressing, potentially throwing you into a state in which it's challenging to understand what's happening in your mind and body, and figuring out the best way to respond can be challenging. Each person's experience with triggers is unique, so it’s important to reflect on what is helpful for you if and when triggers arise. Exploring personal triggers and developing strategies for navigating them can often benefit from the support and guidance of a trained mental health professional. If you're considering seeking professional help, check out the Other Resources section on our website, where you can find databases to search for mental health professionals in your area. In today's blog post, I'll delve into a few common experiences people may face when encountering triggering events and circumstances, as well as share some general strategies that may be useful in navigating these challenging moments. The concept of triggers is personally relevant to me. Despite being years into my own healing journey and having made a lot of progress, I still encounter situations where I become aware of being triggered. Learning to navigate these triggers has been an important part of my personal healing process. Based on my personal and professional experiences, I've observed some common responses when survivors of past abuse encounter triggers. One common reaction can be the resurgence of flashbacks or memories directly linked to experiences of past abuse. Triggering situations or circumstances may evoke memories reminiscent of the abusive situation. Individuals dealing with past trauma and PTSD may revisit these triggered memories in various ways, such as through nightmares or during quieter moments of reflection. While some triggers prompt a direct re-experiencing of past trauma, others may elicit a more indirect response in the area of your emotions. You might notice that your emotional reactions are exceptionally intense, even more than you might expect based on the current situation that you’re facing. Triggers also can show up in physiological reactions within our bodies, such as in feelings of an intense sense of restlessness, an elevated heart rate, and a feeling that stress hormones are surging through your veins. Triggers can manifest in various ways, impacting emotions, thinking patterns, and physiological responses. Survivors may find triggers to cause significant distress and be difficult to manage.. Being proactive in identifying triggering events and having plans in place to navigate them is crucial for self-support. Here are a few suggested strategies to consider: Know where to find support, especially if the trigger leads to a crisis. Familiarize yourself with crisis support resources, such as those listed in the Other Resources section of our website (i.e., the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Lifeline), as well as any local crisis lines available in your local community. Pre-programming these numbers into your phone can be helpful for quick access during moments of distress. Understand your typical responses to triggering events and circumstances. While responses may vary, recognizing common patterns or habits in your emotional and cognitive reactions is helpful. Identifying habitual responses, such as rumination, can serve as an indicator that you might be experiencing a deeper emotional reaction related to past trauma. Develop a toolkit of coping mechanisms that work for you. Coping strategies can include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, deep breathing), physical exercise, creative activities, or journaling. Experiment with different techniques to identify those that work best for you during triggering situations and circumstances. Establish a support network of friends, family, support groups, and or professional helpers. Share your experiences with trusted individuals who can offer understanding and encouragement. Connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can provide a sense of community and validation, and professional guidance can provide individualized strategies to help navigate distressing events. Practicing self-soothing skills, also known as relaxation or coping skills, is a valuable approach to navigating triggers. These skills focus on managing emotions and promoting a sense of calm. Simple techniques like taking deep breaths, grounding yourself through physical touch, or listening to uplifting or relating music can be effective. Keeping the goal of restoring physical and emotional safety in mind is vital during triggering events, guiding you to identify what you need to feel secure in that moment. Self-compassion, an invaluable aspect of the healing journey, can complement self-soothing techniques. Dr. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking work on self-compassion, available at www.self-compassion.org, provides a rich resource on this topic. The three components of self-compassion are self-kindness, common humanity, and mindedness. Practicing self-compassion can be a powerful tool for navigating triggers, fostering a kind and supportive relationship with yourself during challenging moments. Be selective about sharing with others that you're in a triggering situation. Remember that it's entirely within your control to decide whom to confide in. Choose to share your experience with only individuals you trust and who have proven to be safe and understanding, and even then, only if you think it’s in your best interest to share with others. If someone is causing harm and may use the information against you, exercising caution in disclosure is wise. Ultimately, prioritize your safety and well-being by choosing the level of sharing that feels right for you in each unique circumstance. Finally, once the initial distress of a triggering situation or circumstance has been resolved, consider whether reflecting your experience of that trigger and your reaction to it would be a valuable aspect of your healing journey. Consider taking time for self-reflection after the triggering event has passed. This may involve conversations with a mental health professional, a trusted friend, or a confidant. Reflecting on the experience might offer valuable insights and contribute to your healing journey. Be sure to also acknowledge and celebrate your progress in overcoming difficult and triggering circumstances. Practicing gratitude for your strength and resilience is a powerful way to honor your progress. Here are some questions to consider (on your own or with the support of a trusted friend or professional helper) if you’d like to examine the triggers as an opportunity for self-reflection:
Engaging in regular self-reflection allows you to deepen your understanding of your triggers, refine your coping strategies, and foster a compassionate relationship with yourself throughout your healing journey. Navigating triggers is a challenging but significant aspect of the healing journey. Remember that healing is a personalized journey, and what works for one person may differ for another. Feel free to share your thoughts on other strategies for navigating triggers in the comments below, and thank you for being part of The Source for Survivors community. By Christine Murray
Life is a wild ride filled with all sorts of emotions, and when you're on the path to healing from past abuse, it can feel like stepping into an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs are real, and sometimes it feels like you're navigating through uncharted emotional territory Emotional regulation is a term that refers to our ability to navigate through our emotions while still having some say in how we handle and react to them. Developing these skills is a journey in itself, requiring time and effort. And even when you think you've got a grip on it, there are moments when emotions can still feel overwhelming. We can be intentional about navigating our full range of emotions so that we can better enjoy our positive emotions and more effectively navigate the difficult ones. In today’s post, I’ll share a few basic strategies that can be helpful for regulating emotions in a self-compassionate way. Pay attention to the physical signals your body sends when you're in the grip of intense emotions. Maybe your heart picks up the pace, your stomach does somersaults, or there's this jittery, nervous energy buzzing through you. These bodily reactions are like your body's way of sending up emotional distress signals. It's a good idea to tune into these cues early on so that you can take proactive steps to process those emotions and use your self-soothing skills. Nurture your self-soothing skills. Since everyone has unique preferences, it's crucial to figure out what helps you find calm in the midst of emotional turbulence. Identify the self-soothing skills that resonate with you—whether it's deep-breathing exercises, meditation, a good workout, or pouring your thoughts into a journal. Once you've pinpointed your go-to techniques, make it a habit to practice them. This way, you'll be well-equipped to use them skillfully when navigating emotionally-charged moments. When difficult emotions arise, use positive self-talk to remind yourself that you have the ability to process and manage intense emotions in healthy ways, even if it doesn’t feel great to experience them. You can use positive self-talk by speaking out loud to yourself, mentally repeating the words in your mind, or writing them out in a journal. Embrace affirmations as a regular practice, weaving them into your emotional journey—whether you're riding highs, navigating lows, or experiencing periods of indifference. Discover examples of affirmations tailored to each emotional phase below. Affirmations for Times of Positive Emotions
It’s natural to get overwhelmed at times by the intensity of our emotions, especially along the journey of healing from a past abusive relationship. By learning to effectively process and regulate our emotions, we can tap into their healing power and navigate and reduce emotional distress. Take time to develop tools for emotional regulation that work well for you, and continue to build these tools up over time as you experience new levels of healing. By Christine Murray Valentine’s Day will be here tomorrow. Valentine’s Day can be complicated for many people, so much so that the Healthy Relationships Initiative team I’ve worked with at UNC Greensboro developed a “Valentine’s Day Survival Guide” that you can check out if you’ve got mixed feelings about this holiday. For survivors of past abusive relationships, however, Valentine’s Day can be extra complicated. After all, a holiday that celebrates love might bring up some difficult feelings or memories for people who have faced hurt in the context of an intimate relationship. If you’re a survivor and find yourself feeling difficult or complex emotions as Valentine’s Day has been approaching, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few suggestions to help yourself navigate Valentine’s Day, but remember that what’s most important is to figure out what you need to do to best take care of yourself before, during, and after this holiday: Give yourself time and space to process emotions and memories that come up for you around Valentine’s Day. Remember that it is natural and normal to have difficult feelings and memories related to your past abusive relationship, on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Valentine’s Day may be especially triggering for you if you had abuse-related experiences on Valentine’s Days, such as your partner abusing you or neglecting your feelings and needs on this day in the past. Two helpful practices to navigate these emotions and memories are self-validation and self-compassion. Increase your use of coping mechanisms this week if you’re feeling down. Along the journey of recovering from past abuse, it’s always helpful to have a full toolbox of coping strategies that work well for you. Examples of coping strategies include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, relaxation breathing), problem-solving skills, and leaning into social support from professionals and/or your friends and family members. If you’re struggling this week, ramp up your coping mechanisms to balance out the negative feelings you’re facing. (Please note that if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out to your local authorities or contact the national 9-8-8 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. You also can visit our Other Resources page to find databases to search for a local mental health professional in your area.) Plan how you want to approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming tomorrow. If it would be helpful, spend some time today planning in advance if there are steps that you can take to navigate the day with as little stress as possible. Valentine’s Day is often referred to as a “Hallmark Holiday,” marketed to generate more sales of flowers, cards, and candy. It’s not uncommon to find people who simply ignore the holiday, which is one approach you could take. If this approach resonates with you, consider how you might respond if someone at work asks if you have any special plans, and you might minimize your social media time tomorrow if you think seeing posts of others’ celebrations might be upsetting to you. There are many other ways to navigate the complexities of Valentine’s Day instead of simply ignoring it, however. First, you might consider fully celebrating it and enjoying the day, while also acknowledging any difficult emotions that arise. Remember that it’s possible for positive and negative emotions to co-exist - you can feel joy in the moment while also navigating sadness or disappointment from the past, for example. You might also explore new and creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that help you enjoy the day as much as possible, such as starting a new tradition for celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own or with friends and family. Celebrate the different forms and sources of love in your life. While much of the attention on Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic relationships, consider whether this holiday could serve as a reminder of all of the many different forms and sources of love in your life. This could include self-love, friendships, family relationships, your children, a new and healthy romantic relationship, a pet, your spiritual beliefs or Higher Power, and even appreciating the beauty in nature. Whether or not you have a romantic relationship in your life, chances are you can find glimmers of love in different areas of your life, and Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate the presence of love in your life, in whatever forms it is currently available to you. Consider viewing Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for self-reflection. If Valentine’s Day brings up complex feelings or emotions for you, these might become clues into the next phases of your healing journey. It may be helpful to process these experiences through journaling and/or a conversation with a counselor or trusted loved one. To help with this reflection, we’ve created a free pdf of a journal page that you can download for free below.
Regardless of whether you’re excited about or dreading Valentine’s Day, I wish you a day filled with love and peace tomorrow. Remember that your relationship status and history don’t define who you are. Even if you’ve faced hurt and sadness due to past relationships, know that you are worthy of receiving healthy, safe, and supporting love, just as you are.
By Christine Murray A few degrees can make a huge difference. Recently, on a drive winding through the mountainous terrain from my hometown of Pittsburgh to my current home in North Carolina, I observed firsthand the transformative power of small shifts. The temperature hovered just above the freezing mark, and the cloudy day alternated between light and heavy rain and snow. As we made our way through the mountains, I couldn't help but draw parallels between the changing landscapes outside my window and the nuanced journey of recovering from past abuse. Please forgive the photo quality, as my teenage son took both photos on his phone while I was driving. But just check out the contrast in the scenery we had along the drive depending on even the slightest changes of elevation: While we were chugging along at the lower elevations in the mountains, the scenery was muddy, dingy, and gloomy.
While climbing higher on the upward slopes, there were some moments where we could look at the current view around us (again, muddy and gloomy), but then if we looked up higher in the mountains, we could see snow-covered treetops above that current view. As we got to the highest elevations, it was truly a beautiful winter wonderland. I’m talking the kind of fresh-fallen snow that sticks to even the tiniest tree branches. It was breathtaking. Along this long drive, there are often many moments when there is little to do but be quiet with my thoughts. In those moments of reflection, it occurred to me how much of a significant difference even just a few degrees of elevation and temperature (changing within just a minute or two along our drive) could make. It was mind-blowing to me how quickly the view and perspective could change, especially when we’re putting in effort (and miles) along a long journey. This is not just true for long car rides, but also in long-term journeys we take in our lives, such as healing from past trauma or pursuing a major life goal. When I think back on my own journey of healing from a past abusive relationship, I can think of long stretches of time where I knew I was putting in the effort, but I wasn’t seeing much actual change in my life. Things were still hard and kind of ugly to look at, even if I could feel myself changing and making progress. But then, sometimes after long stretches of what felt like minimal progress, all of a sudden, I would notice some significant change and that the view of my healing journey had changed. The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines a tipping point as “the critical point in a situation, process, or system beyond which a significant and often unstoppable effect or change takes place.” During our long car ride, the tipping point between gloomy, muddy surroundings and a beautiful winter view was just a degree to two of a difference. Along the journey of healing from past abuse, tipping points can come in many forms and may look different for every survivor. They might include finally building up a set of coping skills to help you navigate a potentially triggering situation, saving up an amount of money that helps you to feel financially secure, or making a new friendship that helps you to feel supported, encouraged, and validated. I believe it’s so important to take a moment to let those moments of progress sink in. Along our drive, I did this by trying to appreciate the beautiful scenery around me, and in truth, I knew it wouldn’t last too long as we got further down the mountains. In the journey of healing from past abuse, it’s vital to savor and celebrate each beautiful moment of progress. Even though these glimpses into the beauty of healing may be fleeting, they represent vital milestones along the way—moments that are not only valuable but also worthy of awe. As I reflect on the transformative power of just a few small degrees of change during our mountainous drive, I invite you to consider the small changes you are making along your own healing journey. Embrace and celebrate these moments whenever they arise, for they have the potential to bring about powerful shifts in your perspective. |
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