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By Christine Murray
The effects of an abusive relationship often linger long after the relationship ends. One area where these effects can show up is in your inner dialogue—the way you talk to yourself. The messages you internalize during an abusive relationship can shape how you see yourself, your worth, and your ability to heal. Abusers often intentionally plant seeds of doubt and negativity, leading survivors to internalize negative, untrue beliefs about themselves For many survivors, negative self-talk becomes an unwelcome habit, and yet learning to monitor and transform your inner dialogue become a powerful tool along the healing journey. That’s why monitoring and working toward positive self-talk is a key part of the healing journey for survivors. Your inner dialogue has the power to influence your emotions, decisions, and overall well-being. With intention and practice, you can begin to reclaim your inner voice, transforming it into a source of encouragement and support. Below, we’ll explore how to become more aware of your self-talk patterns and take steps toward reshaping them to support your healing processes. Building Awareness of Your Self-Talk Transforming your inner self-talk begins with awareness. Start by dedicating a specific time frame to track your thoughts and emotions, especially those tied to the abusive relationship. Monitoring your self-talk even a short period of time, such as 24 to 48 hours, can provide valuable insights into your patterns without feeling overwhelming. During this time, consider keeping a written log of your thoughts and associated feelings. Whether you prefer a journal, a daily planner, or a simple piece of paper, choose a system that feels manageable for you. The goal is to create a place where you can keep track of what’s happening in your inner world without judgment or pressure to change things right away. Observing Without Judgment During the time frame when you’re tracking your inner dialogue, try setting regular check-ins. You might use reminders on your phone or a timer to pause every 30 to 60 minutes during the day to reflect on what’s been on your mind. At each check-in, write down the thoughts that have come up and the emotions accompanying them. Make note of any positive, negative, and neutral thoughts you recognize that reflect the way you’re talking to yourself. For now, focus on observing your inner dialogue, and release yourself from any pressure you may feel to change things right away. Give yourself permission to simply notice what your mind is telling you. Maybe you’ll uncover recurring doubts, fears, or self-criticisms that trace back to the abuse you faced. While it might be difficult to see these patterns at first, remember that awareness is a powerful first step toward change. Reflecting on Patterns Once your tracking period ends, take time to review what you’ve recorded. Ask yourself:
These reflections can help you identify where the effects of the abusive relationship are lingering in your self-talk and point to opportunities for growth and healing. You may also notice self-talk patterns that relate to other positive or negative life experiences you’ve had that aren’t directly related to your history of being in an abusive relationship. Remember that you can strive toward growth and healing in all areas of your life, not just directly related to your experiences in an abusive relationship. Embracing Change Becoming aware of your inner dialogue is empowering because it opens a door to positive change. With time and practice, you can work on shifting negative self-talk into more supportive and compassionate thoughts. Start small, focusing on moments when you can replace a negative thought with kindness or encouragement. Over time, these small shifts add up, helping you build a more positive and affirming relationship with yourself. Closing Thoughts Rewriting your inner dialogue is not an overnight process, but it is a very worthwhile one, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. The dialogue inside your head has the potential to be your greatest ally, cheering you on as you navigate your healing journey. By building greater self-awareness and intentionally choosing self-compassion over criticism, you’re taking bold steps toward reclaiming your sense of self-worth and building a future filled with hope, resilience, and self-love. The words you say to yourself matter. You deserve to hear kindness and encouragement—not just from others, but from within. Take the time to listen, reflect, and nurture your inner dialogue as you continue your healing journey.
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By Christine Murray
Today is New Year’s Eve, and as we step into 2025, I invite you to let yourself dream about the year ahead. For many survivors of abuse, allowing space to dream of brighter days can be challenging. The healing journey is often a long, winding road filled with moments of frustration and setbacks. Abuse may have left you feeling disconnected from your goals, interests, and confidence, making the idea of “dreaming” feel daunting or even impossible. Abusers frequently use emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse tactics to undermine victims’ and survivors’ self-worth, which can make dreaming for the future seem out of reach. Your abuser may have even mocked the dreams you shared with them, leading you to hide your dreams deeply away in your heart. During the abusive relationship, you may have even abandoned your dreams altogether. Many survivors, especially early on in the healing process, feel hesitant or blocked from planning for positive changes in their lives. Even if you’ve found it difficult to dream lately, the start of a new year can be an opportunity to reflect on what you want for your life. Perhaps this is the time you’ve been waiting for to set new intentions, big or small, for your path ahead. Whether you choose to set resolutions or simply allow yourself to hope and plan for positive changes ahead, your dreams are worthy of being heard, honored, and explored. Consider this a gentle invitation to reflect on what kind of dreams you might have for 2025. Your dreams don’t have to be grand or life-altering to make a difference. Small steps count, too. Perhaps you envision moving a bit further along in your healing journey. This might mean connecting with a counselor, opening up to a trusted friend, or carving out time in your schedule for regular self-care. Maybe you’re interested in dreaming of other changes in your life, such as searching for a new job, entering the dating world, or building new friendships or hobbies. Let your dreams be as unique as you are! If dreaming feels difficult, try setting aside quiet time for reflection or journaling. Here are some questions to help you get started:
Creating a vision board is also a fun way to bring your dreams to life visually, allowing you to see and revisit them throughout the year. And if journaling isn’t your style, consider sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, counselor, or coach. Let the start of this new year be a fresh beginning and the start of a new chapter in your life. Allow yourself the permission to dream. However big or small, these dreams are a powerful expression of hope for what lies ahead. You deserve a future that feels safe, fulfilling, and joyful. So, as you welcome 2025, embrace your dreams and take steps, one by one, toward making them a reality. By Christine Murray
The end of 2024 will be here in one week. When one year ends and another begins, we have an opportunity to reflect on the year behind us and what we hope for the next year to come. In this week’s Pathway for Survivors Blog post, I’m going to share some thoughts on the importance of making space for year-end reflections, especially for those of us along the journey of healing from past abuse. Next week, my post will focus on taking a look ahead as 2025 gets underway. If it would be helpful to you, I invite you to create some space in your life during the last days of 2024 to reflect on your experiences this past year. Creating space for reflection might look like spending time journaling, talking with a counselor or trusted friend, or even just going for a long walk and spending time with your thoughts and emotions. Making space for reflection is a valuable practice for survivors of abusive relationships. In fact, I believe reflection is such an important part of the healing journey that I included it as one of the 6 Commitments in the Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model. As I shared in that original blog post: Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. We can engage in self-reflection at any time of the year, and it can be helpful to set aside regular time for reflection, such as once a month or once a week. However, the end of a year can be an especially powerful time for self-reflection. There’s something concrete about a full calendar year ending that offers a useful timeline for reflecting back on all of our experiences during the year. This includes the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and even the so-so times we may have even forgotten! Below are some questions that may be useful if you’d like to use the end of the year as a time for self-reflection:
It’s possible that you’ll experience strong emotions as you reflect on this past year. Remember to practice self-soothing strategies and continue to develop emotion-regulation skills as you process these emotions. Consider reaching out for support from a mental health professional if you think it would help to discuss these experiences or emotions with a trained professional. Personally, 2024 has been a pretty wild ride for me! There have been some very positive changes - including starting a new job and, of course, launching The Source for Survivors back in January. On the other hand, I’ve also faced some challenges and lots of stress, both in my work and in my personal life. As I reflect on my own experiences in 2024, there are some things I sort of wish I could go back and change, but I also can appreciate that even the hard times can become opportunities for new insights and personal growth. If you carve out a little space for self-reflection as 2024 comes to a close, I hope you will discover that you gained new strength this year, even if that strength was hard-earned through some challenging times. I also hope that you will reflect on your progress and growth along your healing journey. The healing journey is not an easy, linear path, so your progress may look like a few steps forward, a few back, and perhaps even a few that felt like you were going sideways or spinning in circles! I wish you the best for a calm, restorative end to this year, and I thank you for being a part of the Source for Survivors community! By Christine Murray
For much of my life, I have been the kind of person who likes to get things done. Completing a task, reaching a goal, or seeing an end product come together has always brought me a deep sense of satisfaction. In truth, that satisfaction usually has been wrapped up with equal parts of relief because I also often felt a lot of (mostly self-imposed) pressure to reach the outcome I’d been striving for. Although there will always be a part of me that focuses on goals and outcomes, something I’ve been focusing on in recent years has been to enjoy the process along the way toward those goals and outcomes. As a goal-oriented person, learning to embrace the processes in life has not come easily or naturally to me. But it’s been a valuable opportunity for growth as I’ve aimed to focus more on staying mindful and grateful in the moment, whether or not I’ve got any tangible outcomes to show for it at any given point in time. Embracing being a work-in-progress is a valuable way to approach the healing journey as a survivor of an abusive relationship as well. I’ve written before on this Pathway for Survivors Blog about how I’ve questioned, “What is the end game?” when it comes to my healing journey. As I wrote in that post: “The further along I’ve gotten in my healing journey, the more I wonder if ‘completing’ healing is even the point. I suspect this is something that differs from person to person. Some of us may feel like we can totally finish the process of personal healing, whereas others may view it as a lifelong process to manage and navigate, rather than to completely finish.” There have been a few helpful mindset shifts I’ve had to make to help me embrace a work-in-progress approach to healing and in life overall. These include the following:
Healing from an abusive relationship can take time. I wish I had a magic wand to suddenly erase all of the pain and challenges along the healing journey for myself and all other survivors. Because that magic wand doesn’t exist, we can best support ourselves and each other by allowing ourselves to embrace being works-in-progress. Healing isn’t usually a straight line, and it’s not a race. It’s a journey of patience, resilience, and self-compassion. So, as you continue on your path, remember that each step forward is a meaningful part of your progress. By embracing yourself as a work-in-progress, you’re choosing to honor your growth, your healing, and the strength you’re building along the way. By Christine Murray
Entering into a new intimate relationship after leaving an abusive one can be both exciting and overwhelming. Survivors of abuse often face a mix of hope for something new and fears about repeating past patterns. The lingering impact of past trauma may lead to trust issues, self-doubt, and the need for heightened caution. While the desire for love and connection remains strong, it’s important to approach new relationships with care, intentionality, and patience. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time, and part of that healing involves learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone new--if and when a new relationship is of interest to you. Going slow is a key part of this process. A healthy relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself time to assess whether the new person in your life truly respects your boundaries, values your well-being, and is worthy of your trust. Here are some important tips to keep in mind as you navigate this journey of building a healthy relationship after experiencing abuse: 1. Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person Healthy relationships take time to establish. In the beginning stages of a new relationship, it's common for people to put their best selves forward. This is a natural part of dating, but it means that it may take time before you see the person's true character. Going slow gives you space to observe how they handle stress, conflict, or difficult emotions—all of which can be key indicators of their potential for a healthy long-term relationship with you. Start by focusing on casual, lighthearted topics. You can ask open-ended questions that allow you to get to know the other person’s interests and values, such as:
Over time, as you feel more comfortable, you can gradually move toward more personal and deeper topics. This approach allows you to build trust at a pace that feels safe for you, without feeling rushed or pressured. 2. Pay Attention to Red Flags and Trust Your Instincts After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often develop heightened intuition about red flags that could signal unhealthy dynamics. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If the new person in your life starts diving too quickly into deeply personal topics, it’s important to slow things down. If they push for details you’re not ready to share, remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I’d prefer to wait before we talk about that,” or give a brief, general answer if you’re not ready to open up fully. A respectful partner will understand and honor your boundaries. Additionally, be cautious if someone tries to control the pace of the relationship or makes you feel guilty for not moving faster. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and patience, not pressure or coercion. Pay attention to how they respond to your need for space. If they become frustrated or dismissive, it could be a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being. 3. Test the Waters to See if They Are Worthy of Your Trust When beginning a new relationship, it’s natural to want to share parts of yourself with the other person, but it’s helpful to start with smaller “tests” of trust. Share some personal information that feels comfortable—maybe a past experience or a lighter aspect of your life—and observe how they respond. Do they handle your vulnerability with care? Do they respect your privacy and keep your information to themselves? If you find out that they’ve shared your personal details with others without your consent, that’s a serious red flag. Trust is earned over time, and a partner who respects your boundaries and confidentiality is more likely to be someone you can trust with deeper parts of yourself as the relationship grows. 4. Check In With Yourself Regularly Building a new relationship is not just about learning who the other person is; it’s also about staying in tune with your own feelings and boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to assess how you feel about the pace of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable with how things are progressing? Or do you feel like it’s moving too fast or too slow for your liking? If you notice that the relationship is moving at a pace that makes you uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Is the other person pushing for more than you’re ready to give? Are there external pressures influencing the speed of the relationship? It’s okay to take a step back, slow things down, or even take a break if needed. Your well-being and emotional safety should always come first. 5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly One of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is clear and open communication about boundaries. It’s healthy to set boundaries early on and be direct about what you’re comfortable with—whether it’s the pace of physical intimacy, the frequency of communication, or the level of emotional sharing. Emotionally mature partners will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries without hesitation. A good relationship is built on mutual respect, and this respect should extend to every aspect of your connection with each other. 6. Allow Yourself to Walk Away if Necessary Healing from an abusive relationship requires you to reclaim your sense of agency and power over your life. That includes allowing yourself to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t feel right. It can be difficult to end a relationship, even when there are signs of trouble, especially if you have developed some feelings of affection for the other person. You may feel pressure to make things work or worry about how hard it will be to find another relationship. But it’s important to remember that your safety and emotional health are the top priority. If a relationship is making you uncomfortable or bringing up red flags, it’s okay to step back or even walk away completely. Conclusion: Healing Takes Time, and So Does Building Healthy Relationships After surviving an abusive relationship, the path to healing—and finding love again—can feel uncertain and daunting. But it’s also an opportunity to build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and care. By moving slowly, setting clear boundaries, and trusting your instincts, you give yourself the space to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. As you move forward, remember that there’s no rush. Healing is not linear, and neither is the journey toward a new relationship. Take your time, listen to your inner voice, and be kind to yourself. The right relationship will honor your pace, respect your boundaries, and support your ongoing healing journey. By Christine Murray
As Thanksgiving week is here in the United States, the holiday season is officially upon us. While this time of year can bring joy and celebration, for survivors of abusive relationships, it can also stir up complicated emotions. The pressures and expectations of the holidays—often focused on family and togetherness—can sometimes heighten feelings of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness, especially if parts of your life aren’t where you wish them to be. The holiday season can also simply be overwhelming, whether or not people have any experiences of abuse. The busyness of events, gatherings, and tasks on our calendars can make it difficult to find moments of peace and calm. For some of us, this time of year may even bring back painful memories of abuse that happened around the holidays, which can make navigating this season especially challenging. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many survivors find the holidays to be emotionally complex, and it’s important to recognize that there are steps you can take to care for yourself during this time. Here are six strategies that may help: 1. Prioritize Self-Care It’s easy for self-care to fall by the wayside when life gets busy, especially during the holiday season. While you may not have as much time as usual, it’s still important to make space for small moments of self-care. This could be as simple as taking a short walk, doing some light stretching, journaling, or simply setting aside a little time to relax. If possible, try to focus on the basics—like getting enough sleep, nourishing your body, and finding ways to manage stress. Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in helping you feel more grounded during this hectic time. 2. Set and Honor Boundaries The holiday season often comes with many invitations, obligations, and expectations. It’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations to events that don’t feel right for you, and it’s equally okay to set limits on interactions with others. Whether it’s deciding how long to stay at a gathering or setting boundaries around what topics you’re comfortable discussing, allow yourself to protect your emotional well-being. Honor your needs, and be proactive in communicating those boundaries to others. 3. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions The holidays can bring up a wide range of emotions, from grief and loss to frustration and exhaustion. It’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them. As a survivor, you may have been made to feel that your emotions weren’t valid during your abusive relationship. Now, it’s time to honor your feelings and give yourself space to experience them. Checking in with yourself throughout the day can help—ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you might need to process those emotions in a healthy way. 4. Recognize and Navigate Triggers For some survivors, the holiday season may bring up memories or experiences that are tied to past abuse. Whether it’s a specific event or a particular holiday tradition that’s connected to painful memories, recognizing potential triggers can help you prepare for and manage them. If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered, remind yourself that it’s okay to take steps to protect your peace. Consider reading our previous blog post on navigating triggers for more guidance on how to cope. 5. Create New Traditions If old holiday traditions are connected to difficult memories, or if your life has changed due to ending an abusive relationship, it may be time to create new traditions that feel more aligned with your healing journey. These new traditions could involve spending time with supportive friends or family members or even carving out moments of solitude for yourself. Whether it’s visiting a favorite coffee shop for a quiet reflection or spending time doing something that brings you peace, focus on building new traditions that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. 6. Let the Holidays Be What They Need to Be for You Finally, permit yourself to let the holidays unfold in whatever way feels right for you this year. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to celebrate. Maybe this is a year where you keep things minimal, or perhaps it’s a year where you decide to do something completely different. It’s okay to acknowledge that you might not feel joyful or festive, and that’s perfectly understandable. Healing and reclaiming your sense of self during the holidays is a process, and it’s important to give yourself grace and patience as you navigate this season. Conclusion The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or memories during this time, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Take care of yourself, set boundaries that protect your well-being, seek help and support as needed, and let the holidays be what they need to be for you this year. Above all, be kind to yourself as you navigate this season. By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is often a challenging and complex journey. Survivors of intimate partner violence may face numerous obstacles that can make the healing process difficult. The aftermath of abuse can leave emotional scars, and the path to recovery is not always straightforward. Yet, despite these difficulties, healing is not only possible—it is within reach for every survivor. One of the reasons that healing from abuse is difficult is the many ways that the trauma of abuse can impact survivors’ lives. Survivors may have difficulty trusting others after someone so close to them has hurt them. They may also face ongoing emotional and psychological challenges such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Another reason healing is difficult is because of the isolating nature of abuse. Abusers often use tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and control to isolate victims from friends, family members, and other support networks. This isolation can make it hard for survivors to seek help or feel understood by others. Additionally, survivors may experience feelings of shame and guilt, believing that they are to blame for the abuse (especially if their abusers placed blame on them) or that they should have left sooner. Financial dependence on an abuser can also complicate the healing process. Many survivors face economic barriers that make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship or to feel financially secure after leaving. Financial instability can also become a barrier to accessing resources such as therapy, legal assistance, and food and housing. Despite these common challenges, it is important to remember that healing from abuse is possible. Every survivor possesses the strength and resilience to overcome the impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives. While the journey may be tough, there is hope, and there are pathways to recovery. At The Source for Survivors, we aim to empower survivors along their healing journey. One way we do this is through our Pathway for Survivors Model, which provides a framework for understanding the process of recovering from past abuse. This model is built around the following 6 Commitments for Survivors: 1. Commitment to Being Intentional While time alone may heal some wounds, the most powerful approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. 2. Commitment to Safety We all deserve to be physically and emotionally safe in all aspects of our lives. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways to promote your emotional safety during your healing process include building coping strategies, moving at a comfortable pace, and taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. 3. Commitment to a Long-Range Perspective Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate short-term successes while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. Know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. 4. Commitment to Taking Deliberate Steps Forward At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. You don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing you’d like to work toward, and develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas—perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! The steps you might take could include seeking professional support, getting plenty of rest, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. 5. Commitment to Regular Reflection Because the healing journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection to create time to ponder what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by professionals, such as a counselor or your trusted friends or family members) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. 6. Commitment to Giving Back (But Only If You Want To!) Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. There are many ways to do this if you’re interested in giving back as part of your healing journey, such as by helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Healing from abuse is undoubtedly a difficult journey, but it is one that survivors do not have to walk alone. By committing to these 6 Commitments for Survivors, survivors can find a pathway to recovery rooted in intention, safety, long-term perspective, deliberate action, reflection, and community support. In conclusion, while the path to healing from abuse is filled with challenges, it is also filled with possibilities. Every step taken towards recovery is a testament to each survivor's strength and resilience. At The Source for Survivors, we are here to offer support and guidance to survivors on this journey. Remember, healing is possible, and a brighter, healthier future awaits you. By Christine Murray
Over the past year, I’ve been fortunate to take two dedicated retreats that offered time for reflection, rest, and restoration. While both experiences were unique, they highlighted the profound healing opportunities that can occur when we intentionally create space for retreats in our lives. Though these two retreats took place at formal retreat centers, I also believe that we can create personal retreat experiences, even from the comfort of our own homes. The Cambridge Dictionary defines a retreat as “a period of time used to pray and study quietly, or to think carefully, away from normal activities and duties.” This definition resonates with me because it reflects the intentionality that makes a retreat so powerful, whether it's in a formal setting or something you create for yourself at home. In this blog post, I’ll share a bit about my two recent personal retreat experiences, along with reflections on the potential benefits of retreats for survivors of abusive relationships. I’ll also offer some ideas for creating your own retreat—whether through an organized experience or simply dedicating time and space at home. My Retreat Experiences My first retreat was a personal, individual stay at a retreat center that was gifted to me during my recent career transitions. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was navigating the stress and busyness of my job changes on top of my normal day-to-day responsibilities, and this retreat allowed me to hit pause and reset. I was nervous about going alone to a spiritual retreat center, but I quickly realized how much I needed the time away. During that first retreat, I mapped out a personal plan for activities like journaling, creating a vision board, and reading. I balanced these reflective exercises with moments of rest, naps, and walks in nature. The retreat center provided options for both community and solitude, offering separate spaces for silence or connection. During my stay at the retreat center, I followed my intuition about what I needed most at any given moment, which helped me to find rest and clarity in the quiet moments. My second retreat was a more structured, group- and faith-based experience. This women's retreat offered the opportunity to reflect deeply on my life and overall healing journey. While this retreat was not specifically designed for survivors, the sense of community and support provided a safe space to explore my personal trauma history and gain new insights into my healing process. In the past, I’ve also created more informal retreat-like experiences for myself at home. This often involved setting aside a dedicated time (e.g., an afternoon, a whole day, or a weekend) and focusing on self-reflection, rest, and specific intentional activities for healing, such as journaling. Being at home meant that distractions were more likely to come up, but I did get a lot of benefits from setting aside those times as personal retreats to help me practice self-care and focus on healing. The Power of Retreats for Survivors Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own experience, retreats can be a powerful tool in the healing process for survivors of abuse. Here are a few potential benefits:
Creating Your Own Retreat Experience If the idea of a retreat appeals to you, consider creating your own retreat space, whether through a formal or personally planned retreat. Here are a few suggestions:
Conclusion Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own personal retreat space at home, the act of stepping away from daily routines to focus on your healing can be incredibly powerful. As survivors, it's important to give ourselves permission to rest, reflect, and heal at our own pace. Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to retreats, and what matters most is that it feels right for you. If the idea of a retreat resonates with you, I invite you to explore what this might look like in your own life—whether it's a weekend away at a retreat center, a day set aside in your home, or even brief moments of quiet reflection built into your daily routine. Each experience can offer meaningful insights and opportunities for growth, helping you continue on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
A couple of weeks back in the Pathway for Survivors Blog, I wrote a post called, “Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser.” In that post, I shared some ways survivors can mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially prepare for times when they can’t avoid interacting with their abusers. Facing an interaction with your abuser is just one of many potentially emotionally challenging situations that survivors may encounter along their healing journeys. A few other examples might include facing a court date, moments of loneliness and isolation, stressful parenting situations, financial difficulties, and life changes like moving or starting a new job. In addition to general emotional regulation strategies that are helpful to build along the healing journey, it also can be valuable to develop our own quick “reset buttons” or quick tools you can use to process your reactions to them immediately following the interaction. These "emotional reset buttons" are essentially tools that allow you to process your immediate reactions to a difficult interaction or experience, so you can re-center yourself and move forward with your day. While these resets aren’t designed to fully address or heal the emotions tied to the event—that deeper work often requires time and reflection—they can be a powerful way to help you recover in the moment. A reset can prevent an emotionally challenging experience from overshadowing the rest of your day. So, what might these emotional resets look like? Here are a few examples:
Whether it’s an interaction with a former abuser, a tough conversation with another negative person in your life, or any other emotionally challenging situation, developing these reset tools can be a crucial part of your healing journey. They serve as immediate, actionable ways to re-center yourself and regain a sense of control after being emotionally impacted by an event. While these resets may not address all the deeper emotions tied to the situation, they do help create space for peace and clarity. Later, you can return to more in-depth processing if needed. In the meantime, these small actions can help protect your emotional well-being in the moment, allowing you to move forward with your day rather than being derailed by painful or triggering experiences. Ultimately, healing is a complex, non-linear journey. By incorporating emotional resets into your toolkit, you give yourself the gift of compassion and self-care, allowing you to navigate emotionally intense challenges with greater ease. By Christine Murray
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), and throughout this month, you may notice survivors sharing their experiences in news stories and community events. This increased visibility can raise important awareness about abusive relationships, but if you are a survivor, you may find yourself wondering if sharing your story or otherwise getting involved in awareness activities is something you need to do as part of your healing journey. At The Source for Survivors, we recognize “Giving Back” as the 6th Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework. However, it’s important to note that giving back, especially by publicly sharing your story, always should be optional for survivors. Here’s why: The Importance of Choice While it’s incredibly valuable when people support survivors and raise awareness about domestic violence, it’s equally important that survivors feel empowered to make their own choices about whether and how they engage with these efforts. For many of us working in this field, including myself, DVAM holds special significance because of the increased attention it brings to this topic that’s so important to me. It’s often a busy time for those of us working in this field, as many community events and initiatives take place to promote awareness. But with that said, I firmly believe that the burden of raising awareness should never fall on survivors unless they want to be part of these efforts. Personally, I spent many years working in the domestic violence field before I ever publicly disclosed my identity as a survivor. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to share this for a long time—and more importantly, for a long time, I didn’t yet feel safe to be public about my experiences for a variety of reasons. The Pressures and Complex Emotions of Sharing Before I shared my experiences publicly, I remember times when I would sit in meetings or work on awareness events and feel a mixture of guilt and pressure. I knew I had every right to keep my story private, but I couldn’t help but admire those who shared their stories so bravely and openly. I often wondered what it meant that I hadn’t done the same. Looking back now, I feel compassion for myself and other survivors facing similar questions. I wanted to share my identity as a survivor, but I wasn’t ready. And I wish I had known then what I know now: That not being ready, or even had I never taken the steps to share my story publicly, did not invalidate my experiences as a survivor. The reality is that our stories and identities as survivors remain valid whether we share them or not. The Role of Safety in Sharing For survivors considering whether to share their stories or publicly identify as a survivor, one of the most important factors to consider is safety. Domestic violence often involves complex and ongoing threats to survivors’ physical and emotional well-being. For some survivors, sharing their stories publicly can increase these risks, whether from stalking, harassment, or other forms of retaliation. In addition to physical safety, emotional safety is just as important. For many survivors, sharing our stories too soon or at all can be triggering, even if we’ve made significant progress in our healing journeys. It’s also worth considering the emotional toll of hearing others' traumatic stories, which can happen when people reach out after hearing yours. Family and Emotional Considerations Other factors, such as family dynamics, may also affect a survivor’s decision to share. For example, if you have children, you might not feel comfortable discussing your identity as a survivor, especially if the abuser was the other parent. The potential emotional burden of sharing also can be significant, and survivors may not want to subject themselves to the judgment or stigma that sometimes still exists, even from those closest to them. It's important to understand that deciding not to share your story doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Your healing is yours alone to navigate, and no one should pressure you to make your story public or get involved in other “giving back” efforts unless you’re certain this is right for you. The Potential Rewards of Sharing Of course, for some survivors, sharing their stories and supporting survivors in other ways can be a deeply meaningful way to give back and make sense of their experiences. Publicly visible examples of survivors can help others, raise awareness, and contribute to changing harmful societal beliefs about abusive relationships. Hearing from someone who has lived through abuse can be more powerful than hearing statistics or expert commentary. Survivors who are ready and feel safe to share their stories can make an enormous impact, helping to spark important conversations that may one day lead to the prevention of violence and abuse. Giving Back in Other Ways If you’re a survivor who feels called to give back but doesn’t want to do so in a public forum, there are many other ways to contribute. Consider volunteering your time at a local domestic violence awareness event or making a donation to a domestic violence agency in your area. Even sharing a social media post that raises awareness about local resources or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can have a huge impact. It’s important to note that giving back, in any form, is always your choice. And it’s okay if you never engage in any formal giving-back efforts related to domestic violence. Your passions and the ways you make a difference in the world may take many forms—whether through environmental advocacy, supporting animal rights, addressing local community needs, or simply being a kind and supportive presence for your loved ones. Your Healing Journey, Your Choice As this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I invite you to reflect on whether and how giving back might be part of your healing journey. Whether that includes sharing your story, supporting local causes, or focusing entirely on your own healing and well-being, remember that your journey is yours alone. You have the power to decide what feels right for you now and in the future. Whatever you choose, know that your experiences are valid, and you deserve to release yourself from any pressure to give back in ways that don’t feel right for you. |
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