By Christine Murray

Healing from an abusive relationship is often a challenging and complex journey. Survivors of intimate partner violence may face numerous obstacles that can make the healing process difficult. The aftermath of abuse can leave emotional scars, and the path to recovery is not always straightforward. Yet, despite these difficulties, healing is not only possible—it is within reach for every survivor.

One of the reasons that healing from abuse is difficult is the many ways that the trauma of abuse can impact survivors’ lives. Survivors may have difficulty trusting others after someone so close to them has hurt them. They may also face ongoing emotional and psychological challenges such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Another reason healing is difficult is because of the isolating nature of abuse. Abusers often use tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and control to isolate victims from friends, family members, and other support networks. This isolation can make it hard for survivors to seek help or feel understood by others. Additionally, survivors may experience feelings of shame and guilt, believing that they are to blame for the abuse (especially if their abusers placed blame on them) or that they should have left sooner.

Financial dependence on an abuser can also complicate the healing process. Many survivors face economic barriers that make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship or to feel financially secure after leaving. Financial instability can also become a barrier to accessing resources such as therapy, legal assistance, and food and housing.

Despite these common challenges, it is important to remember that healing from abuse is possible. Every survivor possesses the strength and resilience to overcome the impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives. While the journey may be tough, there is hope, and there are pathways to recovery.

At The Source for Survivors, we aim to empower survivors along their healing journey. One way we do this is through our Pathway for Survivors Model, which provides a framework for understanding the process of recovering from past abuse. This model is built around the following 6 Commitments for Survivors:

1. Commitment to Being Intentional

While time alone may heal some wounds, the most powerful approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you.

2. Commitment to Safety

We all deserve to be physically and emotionally safe in all aspects of our lives. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways to promote your emotional safety during your healing process include building coping strategies, moving at a comfortable pace, and taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care.

3. Commitment to a Long-Range Perspective

Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate short-term successes while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. Know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime.

4. Commitment to Taking Deliberate Steps Forward

At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. You don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing you’d like to work toward, and develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas—perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! The steps you might take could include seeking professional support, getting plenty of rest, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits.

5. Commitment to Regular Reflection

Because the healing journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection to create time to ponder what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by professionals, such as a counselor or your trusted friends or family members) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse.

6. Commitment to Giving Back (But Only If You Want To!)

Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse just because you’ve had that experience yourself.

However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. There are many ways to do this if you’re interested in giving back as part of your healing journey, such as by helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences.

Healing from abuse is undoubtedly a difficult journey, but it is one that survivors do not have to walk alone. By committing to these 6 Commitments for Survivors, survivors can find a pathway to recovery rooted in intention, safety, long-term perspective, deliberate action, reflection, and community support.

In conclusion, while the path to healing from abuse is filled with challenges, it is also filled with possibilities. Every step taken towards recovery is a testament to each survivor's strength and resilience. At The Source for Survivors, we are here to offer support and guidance to survivors on this journey. Remember, healing is possible, and a brighter, healthier future awaits you.

By Christine Murray

Earlier this week, I shared Part 1 of this mini-series on why the vision of The Source for Survivors (that survivors shouldn’t have to walk the healing journey on their own) is so personally meaningful to me. I also shared my thoughts on the first reason for this, which was that I’ve felt lost and in the dark at many points in my personal healing journey. 

In today’s post, I’ll dive into two other reasons why building The Source for Survivors is so meaningful to me:

• I’ve been unclear about the “end game” for my recovery process. 
• Feeling isolated at times has added barriers to my healing process.

Along my healing journey, I have often wondered: What is the “end game” here? Committing to a long-term view is the third commitment in the Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model that The Source for Survivors is based on. I’ve personally come to appreciate this long-term view in my own recovery process, and I’ve found some comfort in knowing that I can take all the time I need through any phases of healing.

At the same time, I’ll confess I have, at times, wished that I could see into the future and know exactly where this journey will take me. The long-range view brings up some interesting, perhaps existential, questions about recovering from past abuse. At different points in my journey, I’ve wondered some form of the following:

• Will I ever be or feel 100% “over” this?
• Is the healing process ever fully completed?
• If I reach a really old age, will I still be impacted by my experiences with abuse then?

The further along I’ve gotten in my healing journey, the more I wonder if “completing” healing is even the point. I suspect this is something that differs from person to person. Some of us may feel like we can totally finish the process of personal healing, whereas others may view it as a lifelong process to manage and navigate, rather than to completely finish.

I’m pretty sure The Source for Survivors won’t be able to answer all of these questions, and it’s possible these questions are impossible to answer, at least in a general way that applies to all survivors. However, I do hope The Source for Survivors will be a resource to help survivors process with their own self-reflections and growth as they navigate their unique journeys toward whatever their unique “end game” may be. 

The third and final topic I’ll cover in the blog this week is that feeling isolated at times has added barriers to my healing process. Personally understanding some of the isolation that many survivors feel is another reason I’m so connected to the mission and vision for The Source for Survivors. 

There are different layers of isolation that may impact survivors’ healing journeys. One layer is direct isolation that is a result of the abuse. Isolation can be both a tactic abusers use to carry out their abuse (e.g., cutting the survivor off from potential sources of support), as well as a byproduct of being in an abusive relationship (e.g., if survivors pull back from relationships with friends and family members because they feel ashamed of their experiences, or if friends and family members withdraw because they’re not sure whether or how to offer support). 

Isolation resulting from abuse can be challenging, and connecting with sources of social support - both from professional helpers and informal supports like friends and community groups - can be an important step to take during the healing process. 

Another layer of isolation that can impact survivors’ long-term healing journeys is more of a perception of being alone, misunderstood, or possibly ashamed of having been abused. For me, I’ve been very fortunate to have some amazing friends, family members, and professional supporters who have been with me along different phases of my healing journey. So it’s been this second layer of isolation that I’ve felt the most at times. Even when I’ve received caring, compassionate support and guidance from many supporters around me, I’ve still grappled with perceptions of isolation at points along my journey.

It’s natural and normal as a survivor of abuse to look at others in the world around you and feel a little out of place. Violence and abuse aren’t exactly everyday conversation topics in most circles, so even though statistics tell us how common experiences of abuse are, you may not even know how many other people with similar experiences are around you. 

I’ll admit it was very difficult for me at first to publicly identify as a survivor, and in truth, I was working in this field for many years before I publicly shared that identity. My reasons for waiting to share my story were many (and perhaps this will be a topic for a future blog post!). 

Publicly sharing about being a survivor is not right for everyone. For me, however, once I became public about my experiences, a major blessing waited on the other side. This blessing was that sharing my own experiences opened the door to many other people sharing their stories with me, as well as other personal connections they had to abuse, such as loved ones who had current or past experiences with abuse. 

Sharing one’s story of surviving abuse is certainly not a requirement for healing, and I suggest anyone interested in reading more about this check out the Collection on this topic that we developed through our See the Triumph Campaign. However, one thing I’ve learned through publicly sharing parts of my personal story is that we often feel way more alone and isolated in our experiences as survivors than we truly are.

And so, understanding the isolation that many survivors face is another reason I’m so excited about The Source for Survivors. I hope this site can be another resource to help survivors feel less alone and isolated in their experiences. 

I hope my posts this week offered a little glimpse into some of the reasons why my heart is so invested in building The Source for Survivors. My personal journey is only part of these reasons, and I’ve also learned so much from many other survivors I’ve encountered through my work. I look forward to continuing to learn more as The Source for Survivors evolves over time.  Thank you for reading and for being part of this new initiative as well! 

The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.

This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors.

Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! 

Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship.