By Christine Murray Do you ever wish you could tell the person who hurt you just how much their harmful actions impacted your life? Often, people who use abusive behaviors in relationships aren’t receptive to hearing this information, but there is still a lot of value in expressing what’s on your mind. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing a journal page you can use to write a never-to-be-sent letter to the person who hurt you describing how their words and behaviors have impacted you. You can download this journal page at the bottom of this post. While at some point you might directly communicate some or all of your thoughts to the other person (if it is safe and wise to do so), in this exercise, it’s important to commit to writing your letter and never sharing it with them. This is so you’ll feel permission to say anything you need to say without being concerned with anyone else seeing what you’ve written. Be sure to take good care of yourself during this process. Writing a letter like this can be cathartic, but it also potentially can bring up uncomfortable or distressing emotions. You may find it helpful to review these two prior Source for Survivors blog posts before you work on your letter: Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered and Riding Emotional Roller Coasters. Once you’ve written your letter, consider what would be most helpful to you in terms of what to do with it. You might decide to hold on to it for a while so you can re-read your thoughts, or you may find some release in destroying it, such as by ripping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the trash. Keep in mind that this exercise, along with any other steps you take in your healing journey, are meant to be meaningful to you. So, give yourself permission to decide whether this would be helpful to you, and if so, how you can do it in a way that will be most helpful to you. Please click below if you’d like to download a free pdf copy of the journal page. I hope it’s a useful tool for you, now or at some point in the future! ![]()
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By Christine Murray Valentine’s Day will be here tomorrow. Valentine’s Day can be complicated for many people, so much so that the Healthy Relationships Initiative team I’ve worked with at UNC Greensboro developed a “Valentine’s Day Survival Guide” that you can check out if you’ve got mixed feelings about this holiday. For survivors of past abusive relationships, however, Valentine’s Day can be extra complicated. After all, a holiday that celebrates love might bring up some difficult feelings or memories for people who have faced hurt in the context of an intimate relationship. If you’re a survivor and find yourself feeling difficult or complex emotions as Valentine’s Day has been approaching, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few suggestions to help yourself navigate Valentine’s Day, but remember that what’s most important is to figure out what you need to do to best take care of yourself before, during, and after this holiday: Give yourself time and space to process emotions and memories that come up for you around Valentine’s Day. Remember that it is natural and normal to have difficult feelings and memories related to your past abusive relationship, on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Valentine’s Day may be especially triggering for you if you had abuse-related experiences on Valentine’s Days, such as your partner abusing you or neglecting your feelings and needs on this day in the past. Two helpful practices to navigate these emotions and memories are self-validation and self-compassion. Increase your use of coping mechanisms this week if you’re feeling down. Along the journey of recovering from past abuse, it’s always helpful to have a full toolbox of coping strategies that work well for you. Examples of coping strategies include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, relaxation breathing), problem-solving skills, and leaning into social support from professionals and/or your friends and family members. If you’re struggling this week, ramp up your coping mechanisms to balance out the negative feelings you’re facing. (Please note that if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out to your local authorities or contact the national 9-8-8 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. You also can visit our Other Resources page to find databases to search for a local mental health professional in your area.) Plan how you want to approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming tomorrow. If it would be helpful, spend some time today planning in advance if there are steps that you can take to navigate the day with as little stress as possible. Valentine’s Day is often referred to as a “Hallmark Holiday,” marketed to generate more sales of flowers, cards, and candy. It’s not uncommon to find people who simply ignore the holiday, which is one approach you could take. If this approach resonates with you, consider how you might respond if someone at work asks if you have any special plans, and you might minimize your social media time tomorrow if you think seeing posts of others’ celebrations might be upsetting to you. There are many other ways to navigate the complexities of Valentine’s Day instead of simply ignoring it, however. First, you might consider fully celebrating it and enjoying the day, while also acknowledging any difficult emotions that arise. Remember that it’s possible for positive and negative emotions to co-exist - you can feel joy in the moment while also navigating sadness or disappointment from the past, for example. You might also explore new and creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that help you enjoy the day as much as possible, such as starting a new tradition for celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own or with friends and family. Celebrate the different forms and sources of love in your life. While much of the attention on Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic relationships, consider whether this holiday could serve as a reminder of all of the many different forms and sources of love in your life. This could include self-love, friendships, family relationships, your children, a new and healthy romantic relationship, a pet, your spiritual beliefs or Higher Power, and even appreciating the beauty in nature. Whether or not you have a romantic relationship in your life, chances are you can find glimmers of love in different areas of your life, and Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate the presence of love in your life, in whatever forms it is currently available to you. Consider viewing Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for self-reflection. If Valentine’s Day brings up complex feelings or emotions for you, these might become clues into the next phases of your healing journey. It may be helpful to process these experiences through journaling and/or a conversation with a counselor or trusted loved one. To help with this reflection, we’ve created a free pdf of a journal page that you can download for free below. ![]()
Regardless of whether you’re excited about or dreading Valentine’s Day, I wish you a day filled with love and peace tomorrow. Remember that your relationship status and history don’t define who you are. Even if you’ve faced hurt and sadness due to past relationships, know that you are worthy of receiving healthy, safe, and supporting love, just as you are.
The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship. By Christine Murray
The Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model offers a guiding framework that empowers individuals on their journey to recovery from abuse. This blog post introduces the application of this model to survivors who are on the journey of healing and recovering from past abuse. You can learn more about the overall model as it applies to both survivors and community supports for survivors here. In addition, the terminology of “Triumphing Over Abuse” draws upon my and my colleagues’ long-term research and social media work on the See the Triumph campaign, which I invite you to learn more about at www.seethetriumph.org. The Pathway for Survivors comprises six commitments, each playing a crucial role in empowering survivors on their unique journey. Let's explore each commitment and its significance in the healing process. As a reminder, the 6 commitments aren't intended to be interpreted as sequential steps that occur in a prescribed order. Instead, each commitment is typically ongoing, occurring simultaneously and evolving over the course of time. Understanding the Pathway for Survivors Here’s a quick snapshot of the Pathway for Survivors: The Pathway for Survivors: 6 Commitments for Triumphing Over Abuse
A Deeper Introduction to Each of the 6 Commitments for Survivors Below, you’ll find some additional, introductory information about each commitment. Over time, The Source for Survivors Blog on the Pathway for Survivors will share a lot more information about each Commitment as well! Commitment 1: Committing to being intentional with each step of your recovery journey. While time alone may heal some wounds, the most effective approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. Commitment 2: Committing to making your safety a top priority in all aspects of your life. You deserve to be and to feel physically and emotionally safe in all areas of life. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways you can promote your emotional safety during your healing process include (1) building your coping strategies, (2) moving at a pace that is comfortable for you, and (3) taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. Commitment 3: Committing to adopting a long-range perspective for your healing and growth. Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate your short-term successes, while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. You’re simply human, and you’ve lived through a harrowing, traumatic experience. No matter how far in the future new challenges may arise, know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. Commitment 4: Committing to taking deliberate steps forward, no matter how small, in the path to recovery. At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all of the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. Keep in mind that you don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing that you’d like to work toward, and begin to develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas - perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! It’s wise to prioritize and keep in mind that you don’t need to address every single area of life at once. The steps you may take could include seeking professional support, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. Don’t forget here that rest is an important part of your “action plan” as well! Commitment 5: Committing to regular reflection as a way to understand and celebrate your progress. Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. Commitment 6: Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery (but only if you want to!). This commitment is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse, just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. If and when you decide that helping others affected by abuse is something that you’d like to do, there are many ways to do this. This could include getting involved in local advocacy efforts, helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Conclusion Just as no two stories are alike, neither are the paths to healing. The six commitments we've explored may resonate with you in different ways and at different times. Take a moment to reflect on how these commitments align with your personal journey, and consider how they might shape your path ahead. Stay tuned for upcoming blog posts that delve deeper into each commitment, offering more tools for your empowering journey. |
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