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By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process.
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By Christine Murray
As I’ve discussed in past Source for Survivors blog posts, abusers use a range of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. This often includes emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse and manipulation, including gaslighting. In abusive relationships gaslighting happens when abusers try to confuse their partners and make them believe their perceptions aren’t real. I often think of this dynamic as abusers trying to write the inner narrative of their partners by trying to manipulate them into thinking how the abuser wants them to think. Typically, the abusers try to write narratives that serve their purposes and further embed their control and power into the relationship. The manipulative narratives of current or former abusive partners can become all-consuming in survivors’ thoughts and emotions. Survivors may find themselves ruminating over what was said or done in those relationships, even long after they’ve left the presence of the other person. Survivors might even start taking on thoughts, ideas, and belief systems about themselves that are false and harmful, but that the abuser planted as a way to manipulate them or convince survivors that they were wrong or to blame. Some survivors find that their abusive relationships have hijacked their inner narratives, meaning that what the abuser has said has become an overriding force in the ways they think and feel about themselves. This is an emotionally vulnerable position for survivors to be in because we risk allowing another person--and specifically, a person who has shown us that they don’t have our best interests at heart--to define us, rather than defining and refining our own identities. Be cautious about how much space you let your current or former abuser’s hurtful words and behaviors take up in your thought life. Of course, it is important to take time to reflect on your experiences in an abusive relationship, as well as to process your emotions related to those experiences. You might consider using a journal, such as our Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal (which you can download for free here), as a tool for this reflection. Overall, it is important to be mindful about not allowing an abusive relationship to prevent you from seeing other positive experiences in life, such as your personal strengths, healthy relationships with others, and your personal and professional successes and accomplishments. An abusive relationship can be quite hurtful and stressful. However, it does not need to be the dominant force in your life. As you move along your healing journey, strive to reclaim your inner narrative from any lingering effects of your abuser’s harmful words and actions. Remember that you can write the story--including your inner truths--of your own life. By Christine Murray
People who perpetrate abuse in intimate relationships often use a variety of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. Some of these are blatant and severe - such as using physical violence, sexual assault, or blatantly abusive and harmful words to diminish their partners. Whether or not these blatant forms of abuse are present, there is often an underlying pattern of subtle tricks or tactics that abusers often use to create the context for their abuse. In today’s post, we’ll explore some of these tactics, which often overlap with behaviors that could be considered emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically abusive. Keep in mind that every person’s experiences are unique, and the abuse tactics that are present in abusive relationships can vary widely. The behaviors that are listed below are only a starting point for recognizing patterns of abuse that may have impacted you if you’re a survivor, or someone you’re supporting, such as if you’ve got a friend or family member who has experienced an abusive relationship. Let’s take a look at some of these patterns: Manipulation: Abusers often manipulate through kindness, using compliments or gifts as tools for manipulation. Generating Conflict: Abusers thrive on conflict, stirring up fights or escalating minor issues into major battles. Avoiding Responsibility: Abusers typically refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blaming others or denying the harm they cause. Passive-Aggression: They may express aggression indirectly, using tones or behaviors to convey hostility. Invalidating Feelings: Abusers often disregard others' emotions, dismissing them as invalid or "too sensitive." Cruel Criticism: They resort to hurtful criticisms or put-downs, targeting sensitive areas to inflict maximum pain. Gaslighting and Undermining Your Reality: Abusers distort reality, denying events or emotions to undermine their victim's perception. Boundary Violations: They disregard boundaries, crossing emotional, behavioral, or physical lines repeatedly. Draining Your Energy: Interactions with abusers leave victims feeling emotionally and physically drained. Withholding Positivity: Abusers withhold positive attention, neglecting emotional needs and creating a void in the relationship. Interfering in Relationships: They may interfere in their partners’ relationships, isolating them and/or damaging their connections. Recognizing these patterns is important for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships. While all relationships face challenges, abuse goes beyond typical conflicts. Abusers typically resist change, refuse accountability, and create overwhelmingly confusing and negative environments. If you recognize the patterns above - or others that have a similar vibe or feel even if they're note listed - consider seeking additional support to evaluate your experiences and consider how to promote your own safety or the safety of a survivor you're supporting.  By Christine Murray Do you ever wish you could tell the person who hurt you just how much their harmful actions impacted your life? Often, people who use abusive behaviors in relationships aren’t receptive to hearing this information, but there is still a lot of value in expressing what’s on your mind. In today’s blog post, I’m sharing a journal page you can use to write a never-to-be-sent letter to the person who hurt you describing how their words and behaviors have impacted you. You can download this journal page at the bottom of this post. While at some point you might directly communicate some or all of your thoughts to the other person (if it is safe and wise to do so), in this exercise, it’s important to commit to writing your letter and never sharing it with them. This is so you’ll feel permission to say anything you need to say without being concerned with anyone else seeing what you’ve written. Be sure to take good care of yourself during this process. Writing a letter like this can be cathartic, but it also potentially can bring up uncomfortable or distressing emotions. You may find it helpful to review these two prior Source for Survivors blog posts before you work on your letter: Taking Care of Yourself When You Are Triggered and Riding Emotional Roller Coasters. Once you’ve written your letter, consider what would be most helpful to you in terms of what to do with it. You might decide to hold on to it for a while so you can re-read your thoughts, or you may find some release in destroying it, such as by ripping it up into tiny pieces and throwing it in the trash. Keep in mind that this exercise, along with any other steps you take in your healing journey, are meant to be meaningful to you. So, give yourself permission to decide whether this would be helpful to you, and if so, how you can do it in a way that will be most helpful to you. Please click below if you’d like to download a free pdf copy of the journal page. I hope it’s a useful tool for you, now or at some point in the future! 
  By Christine Murray Valentine’s Day will be here tomorrow. Valentine’s Day can be complicated for many people, so much so that the Healthy Relationships Initiative team I’ve worked with at UNC Greensboro developed a “Valentine’s Day Survival Guide” that you can check out if you’ve got mixed feelings about this holiday. For survivors of past abusive relationships, however, Valentine’s Day can be extra complicated. After all, a holiday that celebrates love might bring up some difficult feelings or memories for people who have faced hurt in the context of an intimate relationship. If you’re a survivor and find yourself feeling difficult or complex emotions as Valentine’s Day has been approaching, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few suggestions to help yourself navigate Valentine’s Day, but remember that what’s most important is to figure out what you need to do to best take care of yourself before, during, and after this holiday: Give yourself time and space to process emotions and memories that come up for you around Valentine’s Day. Remember that it is natural and normal to have difficult feelings and memories related to your past abusive relationship, on Valentine’s Day or any other day. Valentine’s Day may be especially triggering for you if you had abuse-related experiences on Valentine’s Days, such as your partner abusing you or neglecting your feelings and needs on this day in the past. Two helpful practices to navigate these emotions and memories are self-validation and self-compassion. Increase your use of coping mechanisms this week if you’re feeling down. Along the journey of recovering from past abuse, it’s always helpful to have a full toolbox of coping strategies that work well for you. Examples of coping strategies include relaxation techniques (e.g., meditation, relaxation breathing), problem-solving skills, and leaning into social support from professionals and/or your friends and family members. If you’re struggling this week, ramp up your coping mechanisms to balance out the negative feelings you’re facing. (Please note that if you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, reach out to your local authorities or contact the national 9-8-8 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/. You also can visit our Other Resources page to find databases to search for a local mental health professional in your area.) Plan how you want to approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is coming tomorrow. If it would be helpful, spend some time today planning in advance if there are steps that you can take to navigate the day with as little stress as possible. Valentine’s Day is often referred to as a “Hallmark Holiday,” marketed to generate more sales of flowers, cards, and candy. It’s not uncommon to find people who simply ignore the holiday, which is one approach you could take. If this approach resonates with you, consider how you might respond if someone at work asks if you have any special plans, and you might minimize your social media time tomorrow if you think seeing posts of others’ celebrations might be upsetting to you. There are many other ways to navigate the complexities of Valentine’s Day instead of simply ignoring it, however. First, you might consider fully celebrating it and enjoying the day, while also acknowledging any difficult emotions that arise. Remember that it’s possible for positive and negative emotions to co-exist - you can feel joy in the moment while also navigating sadness or disappointment from the past, for example. You might also explore new and creative ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day that help you enjoy the day as much as possible, such as starting a new tradition for celebrating Valentine’s Day on your own or with friends and family. Celebrate the different forms and sources of love in your life. While much of the attention on Valentine’s Day is focused on romantic relationships, consider whether this holiday could serve as a reminder of all of the many different forms and sources of love in your life. This could include self-love, friendships, family relationships, your children, a new and healthy romantic relationship, a pet, your spiritual beliefs or Higher Power, and even appreciating the beauty in nature. Whether or not you have a romantic relationship in your life, chances are you can find glimmers of love in different areas of your life, and Valentine’s Day could be an opportunity to celebrate and appreciate the presence of love in your life, in whatever forms it is currently available to you. Consider viewing Valentine’s Day as an opportunity for self-reflection. If Valentine’s Day brings up complex feelings or emotions for you, these might become clues into the next phases of your healing journey. It may be helpful to process these experiences through journaling and/or a conversation with a counselor or trusted loved one. To help with this reflection, we’ve created a free pdf of a journal page that you can download for free below.
Regardless of whether you’re excited about or dreading Valentine’s Day, I wish you a day filled with love and peace tomorrow. Remember that your relationship status and history don’t define who you are. Even if you’ve faced hurt and sadness due to past relationships, know that you are worthy of receiving healthy, safe, and supporting love, just as you are. 
The Source for Survivors is excited to share this new Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal, which is now available as a *free* download from our website: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/store/p1/minijournal.html.
This 28-page Mini-Journal offers an introduction to the 6 Commitments (Intentionality, Safety, a Long-Range View, Deliberate Steps Forward, Reflection, and--if desired--Paying it Forward) in the Pathway for Survivors. Two activities are included for each of the 6 Commitments, plus one additional bonus reflection activity! Please note that this Mini-Journal is intended for survivors who are no longer currently facing physical safety risks from a current abusive relationship.  By Christine Murray
The Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model offers a guiding framework that empowers individuals on their journey to recovery from abuse. This blog post introduces the application of this model to survivors who are on the journey of healing and recovering from past abuse. You can learn more about the overall model as it applies to both survivors and community supports for survivors here. In addition, the terminology of “Triumphing Over Abuse” draws upon my and my colleagues’ long-term research and social media work on the See the Triumph campaign, which I invite you to learn more about at www.seethetriumph.org. The Pathway for Survivors comprises six commitments, each playing a crucial role in empowering survivors on their unique journey. Let's explore each commitment and its significance in the healing process. As a reminder, the 6 commitments aren't intended to be interpreted as sequential steps that occur in a prescribed order. Instead, each commitment is typically ongoing, occurring simultaneously and evolving over the course of time. Understanding the Pathway for Survivors Here’s a quick snapshot of the Pathway for Survivors: The Pathway for Survivors: 6 Commitments for Triumphing Over Abuse
A Deeper Introduction to Each of the 6 Commitments for Survivors Below, you’ll find some additional, introductory information about each commitment. Over time, The Source for Survivors Blog on the Pathway for Survivors will share a lot more information about each Commitment as well! Commitment 1: Committing to being intentional with each step of your recovery journey. While time alone may heal some wounds, the most effective approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. Commitment 2: Committing to making your safety a top priority in all aspects of your life. You deserve to be and to feel physically and emotionally safe in all areas of life. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways you can promote your emotional safety during your healing process include (1) building your coping strategies, (2) moving at a pace that is comfortable for you, and (3) taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. Commitment 3: Committing to adopting a long-range perspective for your healing and growth. Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate your short-term successes, while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. You’re simply human, and you’ve lived through a harrowing, traumatic experience. No matter how far in the future new challenges may arise, know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. Commitment 4: Committing to taking deliberate steps forward, no matter how small, in the path to recovery. At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all of the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. Keep in mind that you don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing that you’d like to work toward, and begin to develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas - perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! It’s wise to prioritize and keep in mind that you don’t need to address every single area of life at once. The steps you may take could include seeking professional support, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. Don’t forget here that rest is an important part of your “action plan” as well! Commitment 5: Committing to regular reflection as a way to understand and celebrate your progress. Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. Commitment 6: Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery (but only if you want to!). This commitment is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse, just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. If and when you decide that helping others affected by abuse is something that you’d like to do, there are many ways to do this. This could include getting involved in local advocacy efforts, helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Conclusion Just as no two stories are alike, neither are the paths to healing. The six commitments we've explored may resonate with you in different ways and at different times. Take a moment to reflect on how these commitments align with your personal journey, and consider how they might shape your path ahead. Stay tuned for upcoming blog posts that delve deeper into each commitment, offering more tools for your empowering journey. |
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