|
Note: This post is a summary of a series that ran on our social media channels during the last 3 weeks.
Deciding whether, when, and how to end an abusive relationship is rarely simple. Survivors often face layers of emotional, practical, financial, relational, and safety-related factors that make these decisions feel overwhelming and confusing. It’s common to find yourself weighing multiple possibilities at once, whether that means staying for now, creating more distance, exploring whether change is possible, or planning to leave. This post will explore some of the considerations survivors may face when navigating decisions about ending an abusive relationship. These decisions are not one-size-fits-all, and not every option may feel safe or available right now. Wherever you are in this process, you deserve compassion, clarity, and support as you think through what’s best for you. When you’re considering decisions about an abusive relationship, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed, unsure, or disconnected from your gut instincts. In those moments, grounding yourself in a gentle reminder of your inner strength can be powerful. You may find it helpful to use the following statement as an affirmation, such as by reading it, writing it down, or returning to it when doubts arise: “I have the capacity to make healthy decisions about how I will respond to and navigate my experiences in my relationships.” Deciding whether and how to end an abusive relationship is rarely a simple or straightforward process. Many survivors find it helpful to pause and reflect, gently and intentionally, on what they’re experiencing, what they need, and what feels safest and healthiest moving forward. The following reflection questions are offered as a tool to support your own processing. You may choose to journal about them, talk them through with a trusted loved one or trained professional, or simply sit with them quietly over time. You might consider:
When you’re deciding whether or how to move forward in relation to an abusive relationship, emotions (e.g., fear) can have an understandable and powerful influence on your choices. Fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of retaliation, or fear of the unknown can all understandably shape how survivors navigate these decisions. Taking time to gently notice when fear or other discomfort-based emotions may be influencing your decisions can be an important step in the healing process. Try to avoid shame for any emotions that arise, and remember that fear and other intense emotions are a very natural response when safety, stability, and the future feel uncertain. You might consider reflecting on questions such as: What is your ideal outcome for this relationship? What fears are coming up for you as you think about possible next steps? And how can you acknowledge those fears while also making decisions that will promote your safety and well-being? Building awareness of your emotions and seeking support to help you work through them can help you make decisions that are grounded in sensitivity to your emotions, as well as in your values, needs, and hopes for safety and healing. Processing Your Experiences When you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be deeply confusing to sort through mixed feelings, especially if there are moments or qualities that feel positive alongside very real harm. This mix of “good,” seemingly-neutral, and harmful experiences often creates ambivalence and makes decisions about the future feel even harder. One reflection exercise that some survivors find helpful is to imagine a scale. On one side, list the positive qualities or moments you associate with the person or the relationship. On the other side, list the harmful, abusive, or controlling behaviors and patterns you’ve experienced. When you step back and look at the scale as a whole, what do you notice about how the positives and negatives balance out? This exercise can help bring clarity to what you’re living with and how the relationship impacts your safety, well-being, and peace. In abusive relationships, it’s especially important to remember that positive moments do not cancel out abuse. Give yourself permission to reflect honestly and gently. Whatever you notice from this process, your experiences and feelings matter. Exploring "Sunk Costs" Finally, let's consider an idea that often keeps survivors feeling stuck: sunk costs.In financial terms, a sunk cost is an investment that’s already been made and can’t be recovered, no matter what decision comes next. Relationships can carry sunk costs, too. These may include the time, energy, emotional labor, love, hope, and effort you’ve already poured into the relationship, as well as the sacrifices you’ve made trying to make things work. These investments can make it incredibly difficult to even consider leaving an abusive relationship. You might find yourself thinking, “I’ve already put so much into this,” or “I can’t let all of this be for nothing.” While these thoughts are very natural and understandable, sunk costs alone are not a reason to stay in a relationship that harms you. It can be healthy (and necessary) to acknowledge and grieve what you’ve invested within an abusive relationship. At the same time, your past investments don’t have to determine your future. Reflecting on sunk costs can help you understand how they may be influencing your decisions and allow you to gently loosen their hold on your next steps. You might consider journaling or reflecting on questions such as:
Your physical and emotional safety is a top priority as you decide whether, when, and how to end an abusive relationship. For support navigating the safety issues related to abusive relationships, please consider reaching out to a local domestic violence service provider agency (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/directory-of-local-providers/) and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/). The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers an online safety planning tool at the following link: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/.
0 Comments
How the “Good Times” (or Even the Neutral Ones) Add to the Confusion of Abusive Relationships7/8/2025 By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can be very confusing, from both the inside (i.e., for victims and survivors) and the outside looking in (i.e., for personal and professional supporters of victims and survivors). There are many reasons for this confusion, including trying to make sense of the internal motivation of abusers, navigating all of the emotions and stress that arise during the relationship, logistical factors like finances, and aiming to make clear decisions in the midst of a very unclear set of circumstances. For victims and survivors, confusion can show up as uncertainty about what to do and whether to leave their abusive partners, feelings of shame and stigma about telling others about the abuse, and difficulty sorting through mixed emotions about one’s relationship, partner, and even oneself. From the outside looking in, supporters may feel confused about why a victim is not leaving their abusive partner and difficulty reconciling a (possibly positive) image of the abuser with the realities of their harmful reactions. From my own personal experiences and my observations through my work, I believe that there is a common misconception about abusive relationships that adds significantly to the confusion surrounding abusive relationships. The common misconception is the idea that abusive relationships are always bad. Even the term “abusive relationship” implies that these relationships are defined by the abuse. Now, I believe it is important to define and name abuse when it is happening. On the other hand, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that there can be periods of time in which even abusive relationships feel like they are “good” or even neutral. The dynamic nature of abusive relationships is well-understood as part of the Cycle of Violence, which identifies at least 3 key phases of abusive patterns: the honeymoon phase, the tension-building phase, and the explosion phase. Learning about these phases and the overall Cycle of Violence can be eye-opening for many survivors, although not all relationships follow these phases in the same way. In addition, the phases in this cycle often change over time, especially as violence and abuse become deeply entrenched in a relationship. “Good times” in abusive relationships might be part of a honeymoon phase, meaning they might reflect periods of time following incidents of abuse in which an abuser is on their best behavior and trying to get back in the good graces of the victim or survivor. On the other hand, I’ve come to believe there is also the potential for “good times” and even neutral times (i.e., those that a victim wouldn’t necessarily describe as good or bad) to occur in ways that may not align directly with the Cycle of Violence. Sometimes, “good” and neutral times can last for an extended period of time, perhaps months or even years on end. (I put “good times” in quotes because I think it’s questionable whether these good times might be part of broader manipulation patterns in abusive relationships.) In my personal experience in my own past abusive relationship, the “good” and neutral times were a major added source of confusion about my overall experiences in the relationship. There were certainly periods of time in that relationship that were very clearly bad and abusive. On the other hand, sometimes even after these times, there would be periods of relative calm. I would be left wondering, “Maybe this relationship is not all that bad? Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe he didn’t mean it and will change so that his harmful behavior won’t happen again?” Often, the periods of relative calm would emerge without much fanfare, and typically, there was no formal apology or acknowledgement of harm on the part of my abuser that marked the start of these periods. Rather, I would just sort of notice that it didn’t feel as bad as it had been feeling earlier, when it was a more active abuse phase. I can speak from personal experience when I say how confusing these “good” or neutral times were to my overall experiences in that abusive relationship. I’m certain they led me to stay in the relationship a lot longer than I might have otherwise, had these times not added to my confusion about what to do about the relationship. It helped me to realize that, even though there were times when my relationship was “not that bad,” this did not take away from the fact that abuse was a very present and real part of my experience in that relationship. Every victim’s and survivor’s experiences within abusive relationships are unique. There are definitely some survivors for whom there have never been any good (or even neutral) experiences within their relationships. Even still, for those for whom “good” and neutral periods of time have added to their confusion about their relationships, there can be a lot of power in knowing that they’re not alone in these experiences. If you’ve faced confusion about the dynamics of an abusive relationship because it was not 100% abusive or bad, 100% of the time, know that you are not alone. Likewise, know that you’re not alone if “good” or neutral times in the relationship contributed to any mixed feelings you had about the relationship and your partner. Honor your feelings and experiences, and continue to process and validate them on your own and with the support of trusted professionals or loved ones. Trust that even in the midst of confusion, you are building the strength and insight needed to move forward on your own terms. Building A Healthy Romantic Relationship After an Abusive One (Or Choosing to Stay Happily Single)6/17/2025 By Christine Murray
Healing after an abusive relationship is a very personal journey. For some survivors, part of that journey eventually includes building a new romantic relationship. For others, the healthiest, most empowering choice may be to remain happily single, whether temporarily or indefinitely. There’s no one-size-fits-all path, and today’s post is meant to offer encouragement for whichever direction feels right for you right now. After experiencing the trauma of an abusive relationship, it’s understandable to feel apprehensive about future romantic relationships. Survivors often have witnessed how easily trust can be broken and how painful it can be when hopes for love are shattered. Even still, it’s important to remember that safe, healthy relationships are possible after abuse. Relationships grounded in respect, kindness, communication, and emotional safety do exist. It may take time, healing, and trust in yourself, but if finding a new romantic relationship is something you want, it’s absolutely possible. At the same time, it’s just as valid to decide that pursuing a new relationship isn’t something you want or need, either for the time being or at any point in the future. Some survivors find deep fulfillment and peace in living single. You are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. The most important thing is that the choices you make about relationships moving forward honor your healing, well-being, and personal needs. Choosing to Stay Single: A Valid and Potentially Empowering Decision Not every survivor will desire to pursue a new relationship after abuse. Many survivors find that stepping away from dating and relationships is an important part of their healing. Some choose temporary breaks from romantic relationships to focus on self-care, while others decide to remain single long-term or permanently. There are many reasons survivors might choose to stay single, including desiring to focus on their healing, personal growth, and emotional safety, as well as seeking opportunities to enjoy their newfound freedom and independence after living under the control of their abuser. Choosing to remain single can be a powerful, courageous act of self-love. Of course, if you choose to stay single, it’s normal to encounter societal pressures or questions from others. You might hear, “When are you going to start dating again?” or, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” It’s okay to affirm your choices and remind yourself that your journey doesn’t need validation from anyone else. Entering New Relationships: Accepting Risk and Honoring Growth If you do choose to seek out a new romantic relationship after an abusive one, it’s important to recognize that some level of risk is inherent in trusting another person. Survivors may carry understandable fears, such as fear of being hurt again, fear of missing early warning signs, or fear of repeating painful patterns. Acknowledging these fears is healthy, and it’s a sign of the wisdom you gained through your experiences. Building a new, healthy relationship after abuse often requires self-awareness, intentionality, healthy boundaries, listening to your instincts, and seeking input and guidance from a trusted support system. Often, when starting to date again, it is wise to take things slowly as you get to know the other person and see if they have the potential to be a safe, supportive partner to you (and you to them). Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor when exploring new relationships. Counseling can offer tools for rebuilding trust, addressing trauma-related responses, and strengthening your sense of empowerment. Final Thoughts: Empowering Yourself to Make the Right Decisions for You Whether you pursue a new romantic relationship or choose to remain single, healing and wholeness come from within, not from another person. Remember that you are already worthy, complete, and deserving of love--whether from a partner, friends, family, or a community support system (not to mention, from yourself). Begin to seek out and enjoy love and support in its many possible forms, which may or may not include a new romantic relationship. One of the most difficult effects of many abusive relationships is that they limit survivors from the freedom to make their own choices safely. Healing often means reclaiming our right to decide for ourselves what’s best for our lives moving forward. Whether that means building a new romantic relationship, choosing to stay single, or remaining open to either path, trust that you are the best person to make those decisions. You deserve relationships (or no relationships) that honor your safety, your peace, and your dreams for your life. You are worthy of a future that feels safe, free, and filled with the love, joy, and respect you deserve--in whatever forms they take for you. Note from the blogger: Today’s post has been adapted from three posts I wrote previously as part of the See the Triumph Collection: Safe & Healthy Relationships Following Abuse: (1) Safe, Healthy Relationships Are Possible After Abuse, (2) Abstaining from Relationships Following Abuse, and (3) Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely. By Christine Murray
Last month, I crossed the finish line at the Pittsburgh Marathon—my seventh, and likely final, full marathon. I say “likely” because, as the years go by, the physical toll and schedule demands of training have become harder to manage. I still hope to take on a few more half-marathons and other shorter races, but completing this marathon felt like a meaningful milestone to me. As I trained for Pittsburgh, I found myself often thinking about how the process of training for a marathon is a lot like the journey of healing from an abusive relationship. While the race itself is an exciting event, it’s the months of training that truly shape the marathon experience. Just like the journey of healing from abuse, it’s the day-to-day progress that makes the biggest difference. So, let’s consider how healing from abuse is, in many ways, like training for a marathon. It Takes Time, Commitment, and Intention There aren’t really any shortcuts to marathon training—and the healing process is similar. Both require an ongoing, intentional investment of time and energy. You can’t expect to complete a marathon without preparing, even if you’re like me and moving at a very slow pace! Similarly, healing from an abusive relationship requires patience, self-awareness, and steady effort over time. Two of the six commitments in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework are relevant here: being intentional and taking a long-range view. Whether you’re building physical endurance or reclaiming your emotional well-being, the process isn’t quick. But with each intentional step, you move closer to strength and healing. You Often Need Support, Even When It’s Hard to Ask Marathon training often requires the support of others. That might mean carving out time in your family’s schedule, asking loved ones for flexibility, or seeking advice from a coach or experienced runner. In healing from abuse, the need for support is just as real—and often even more challenging to navigate. When you’ve experienced abuse, especially in a close relationship, your trust may be shaken. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable or scary. But support can come in different forms. It might look like attending therapy, joining a support group, reading a helpful book, or simply texting a friend when you’re struggling. Healing is hard enough—no one should have to go it alone. You Need to Be Mindful of What You’re Taking In Marathon training requires careful attention to hydration and nutrition—not just during the race, but throughout the training process. What you put into your body affects how you feel when you’re moving. The process of abuse recovery is similar. But instead of gels and water bottles, the “fuel” of healing might be uplifting music that boosts your mood, affirming trauma-informed resources, relationships that bring support instead of stress, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. Take inventory of what you’re consuming—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Are you fueling your healing or depleting yourself with negativity, doubt, or guilt? Adjust your intake as needed to support your progress. Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey When I tell people I train for marathons, I often get mixed reactions: some positive, others confused, and sometimes even critical. “Why would you want to do that?,” people ask. And the truth is, not everyone will understand. The same holds true in healing. You may make choices others don’t get, like stepping away from dating, cutting off a toxic mutual friend, or seeking therapy. Some people may question your decisions or expect you to “move on” more quickly. But healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about making choices that honor your own needs and values. And remember: You don’t need validation from others to do what’s best for you, whether it comes to training for a marathon or healing from an abusive relationship. You Get to Go at Your Own Pace One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through marathon training is that pace doesn’t determine the magnitude of the accomplishment. Whether someone finishes in lightning speed or (like me) is simply aiming to be done before the race course closes, they’re still a marathon finisher. The same is true in healing. Your pace is your own. Sometimes, progress comes quickly; other times, it’s slow and unsteady. Some days are full of breakthroughs, and others feel like you're just barely getting through. My marathon times have changed over the years. My fastest - over a decade ago now - was about four hours, but these days, I often walk more than I run. And that’s okay. There’s no one “right” pace. The key is to keep moving forward in a way that feels meaningful to you. Final Thoughts Training for what is likely my final marathon gave me time to reflect on my running journey, as well as the parallels between physical endurance events and emotional healing. Neither path is easy. Both can involve pain, frustration, and setbacks, but they also are opportunities for strength, growth, and transformation. You may not get a finisher’s medal at the end of your healing journey. You may not have a cheering crowd. But your journey is no less real, and your strength is no less powerful. So whether you’re in the earliest steps of healing, somewhere in the messy middle, or miles past the hardest parts: Keep going. Celebrate the small wins. And trust that, just like training for a marathon, every step you take is an important part of the process. By Christine Murray
Recently, I had the honor of speaking at the 13th Annual Celebration of Survivors Luncheon, hosted by Marva Edwards and Marva’s Outreach Mission. In today’s blog post, I wanted to share some highlights from my remarks at that event with those of you who couldn’t be there in person. The event reminded me of something that is at the heart of the mission of The Source for Survivors: That healing from abuse can be a long, winding journey, and often, it’s the small, quiet wins along the way that carry the most meaning. We Don’t Have to Wait for Huge Milestones to Be Celebrated Healing from an abusive relationship doesn’t often happen in one single moment in time. There is value in celebrating big “wins” along our healing journeys, but it’s important to value and honor the small, often unnoticed moments that demonstrate our progress as well. The luncheon’s theme of “Celebration of Survivors” resonated with me because I believe it is so important for there to be spaces where the strength, resilience, and triumphs of survivors are recognized. At the luncheon, I spoke about what it means to celebrate “small wins.” A small win could be:
Small wins may not be the dramatic milestones the world often likes to spotlight, but they are the everyday acts of reclaiming oneself along the healing journey. Small wins can show you that your healing is happening—even if no one else sees it. Celebrating Survivors’ Seemingly “Small” Everyday Wins Events like the Celebration of Survivors Luncheon are powerful because they remind us how important it is to be surrounded by people who honor the strength it takes to heal from abuse. As much as special events like the luncheon are important, however, I invite you to think of ways that you can build celebration into your everyday life. Whether on your own or in the company of your inner circle, seek out opportunities to recognize moments along your journey that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small at the time. Try not to overlook the importance of these seemingly small wins, and remember that every step you take forward - whether it’s a giant leap or a tiny baby step - offers a valuable opportunity for healing. Whether your win today is getting out of bed, sending a text to a friend, writing for a few minutes in your journal, or just taking some time for self-reflection, remember that small wins can add up to major impacts over time. You deserve to be celebrated, both for the big victories along your journey, along with the quiet acts of courage and strength you show each and every day. So today, and every day, may you give yourself permission to honor the small wins that are shaping your journey and helping you to grow and heal.  By Christine Murray
As a survivor of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to spend a lot of time reflecting on your experiences in relationships with others--including your abuser, as well as other people in your life like your family members, friends, and perhaps professionals from whom you sought support related to your abusive relationship. You may also spend time thinking about potential future romantic relationships, like whether and when you may want to start dating again or how to build a healthy romantic relationship after you’ve experienced an unhealthy, unsafe one. There is a lot of potential value in reflecting on your experiences in relationships with others, but there is one other relationship that’s important to give your time, care, and attention: Your relationship with yourself. Having a healthy relationship with yourself can increase the health of your relationships with others because how you view yourself impacts how you show up in your relationships with others. Today, we’re debuting our newest free Source for Survivors resource: Our Strengthening My Relationship with Myself Worksheets. You can download these for free by visiting this website: Source for Survivors Strengthening My Relationship with Myself Worksheets. This resource includes 3 worksheets: (1) Reflection questions to examine the current quality of your relationship with yourself; (2) A self-rating exercise to consider how your relationship with yourself impacts how you show up in your relationships with others; and (3) An opportunity to write a self-supporting letter to yourself. We hope you’ll find this to be a helpful resource along your healing journey. If you choose to complete these worksheets, we hope they will foster a better understanding of the importance of your relationship with yourself, as well as help you identify ways you can strengthen it. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can take a major toll on survivors’ sense of self-worth and sense of hope for a brighter future. The abusers’ harmful words and actions, and the overall dynamics in these relationships, can deeply impact how you view and care for yourself, sometimes lingering long after the relationship has ended. Taking time to reflect on these experiences can help you identify the ways they’ve shaped your self-esteem, while also offering insights to support your healing and reclaiming your sense of self. Below are some reflection questions designed to help you examine how abusive relationship experiences have affected your ability to love and honor yourself. Use these prompts as a starting point for gentle self-exploration, journaling, or even conversations with a trusted therapist or support group. Reflection Questions
Healing from an abusive relationship is not an easy, linear process, and you don’t have to do it all at once. As you work through these questions, give yourself grace and acknowledge your progress. Your journey toward rebuilding self-love and self-worth is deeply personal. By taking even small steps to care for yourself, you are reclaiming your sense of identity and honoring the resilient person you are. By Christine Murray
Today is New Year’s Eve, and as we step into 2025, I invite you to let yourself dream about the year ahead. For many survivors of abuse, allowing space to dream of brighter days can be challenging. The healing journey is often a long, winding road filled with moments of frustration and setbacks. Abuse may have left you feeling disconnected from your goals, interests, and confidence, making the idea of “dreaming” feel daunting or even impossible. Abusers frequently use emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse tactics to undermine victims’ and survivors’ self-worth, which can make dreaming for the future seem out of reach. Your abuser may have even mocked the dreams you shared with them, leading you to hide your dreams deeply away in your heart. During the abusive relationship, you may have even abandoned your dreams altogether. Many survivors, especially early on in the healing process, feel hesitant or blocked from planning for positive changes in their lives. Even if you’ve found it difficult to dream lately, the start of a new year can be an opportunity to reflect on what you want for your life. Perhaps this is the time you’ve been waiting for to set new intentions, big or small, for your path ahead. Whether you choose to set resolutions or simply allow yourself to hope and plan for positive changes ahead, your dreams are worthy of being heard, honored, and explored. Consider this a gentle invitation to reflect on what kind of dreams you might have for 2025. Your dreams don’t have to be grand or life-altering to make a difference. Small steps count, too. Perhaps you envision moving a bit further along in your healing journey. This might mean connecting with a counselor, opening up to a trusted friend, or carving out time in your schedule for regular self-care. Maybe you’re interested in dreaming of other changes in your life, such as searching for a new job, entering the dating world, or building new friendships or hobbies. Let your dreams be as unique as you are! If dreaming feels difficult, try setting aside quiet time for reflection or journaling. Here are some questions to help you get started:
Creating a vision board is also a fun way to bring your dreams to life visually, allowing you to see and revisit them throughout the year. And if journaling isn’t your style, consider sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, counselor, or coach. Let the start of this new year be a fresh beginning and the start of a new chapter in your life. Allow yourself the permission to dream. However big or small, these dreams are a powerful expression of hope for what lies ahead. You deserve a future that feels safe, fulfilling, and joyful. So, as you welcome 2025, embrace your dreams and take steps, one by one, toward making them a reality. By Christine Murray
The end of 2024 will be here in one week. When one year ends and another begins, we have an opportunity to reflect on the year behind us and what we hope for the next year to come. In this week’s Pathway for Survivors Blog post, I’m going to share some thoughts on the importance of making space for year-end reflections, especially for those of us along the journey of healing from past abuse. Next week, my post will focus on taking a look ahead as 2025 gets underway. If it would be helpful to you, I invite you to create some space in your life during the last days of 2024 to reflect on your experiences this past year. Creating space for reflection might look like spending time journaling, talking with a counselor or trusted friend, or even just going for a long walk and spending time with your thoughts and emotions. Making space for reflection is a valuable practice for survivors of abusive relationships. In fact, I believe reflection is such an important part of the healing journey that I included it as one of the 6 Commitments in the Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model. As I shared in that original blog post: Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. We can engage in self-reflection at any time of the year, and it can be helpful to set aside regular time for reflection, such as once a month or once a week. However, the end of a year can be an especially powerful time for self-reflection. There’s something concrete about a full calendar year ending that offers a useful timeline for reflecting back on all of our experiences during the year. This includes the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and even the so-so times we may have even forgotten! Below are some questions that may be useful if you’d like to use the end of the year as a time for self-reflection:
It’s possible that you’ll experience strong emotions as you reflect on this past year. Remember to practice self-soothing strategies and continue to develop emotion-regulation skills as you process these emotions. Consider reaching out for support from a mental health professional if you think it would help to discuss these experiences or emotions with a trained professional. Personally, 2024 has been a pretty wild ride for me! There have been some very positive changes - including starting a new job and, of course, launching The Source for Survivors back in January. On the other hand, I’ve also faced some challenges and lots of stress, both in my work and in my personal life. As I reflect on my own experiences in 2024, there are some things I sort of wish I could go back and change, but I also can appreciate that even the hard times can become opportunities for new insights and personal growth. If you carve out a little space for self-reflection as 2024 comes to a close, I hope you will discover that you gained new strength this year, even if that strength was hard-earned through some challenging times. I also hope that you will reflect on your progress and growth along your healing journey. The healing journey is not an easy, linear path, so your progress may look like a few steps forward, a few back, and perhaps even a few that felt like you were going sideways or spinning in circles! I wish you the best for a calm, restorative end to this year, and I thank you for being a part of the Source for Survivors community! By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process. |
Categories
All
Archives
March 2026
|
RSS Feed
© The Source for Survivors. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site and blog without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Please note that The Source for Survivors is not a resource for providing personalized advice for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. The Source for Survivors also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.