Can Harmful People Change?

By Christine Murray

As a trained mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist, I’ve always said that the day I stop believing people can change is the day I should leave my profession. Yet, changing long-standing patterns in how people think and behave is no easy feat; it demands determination and persistence. Moreover, as we age, our habits often become more entrenched, making change even more challenging if people have been using similar behaviors for a long period of time. 

While change is always possible, the more pertinent question often becomes: Is change likely?

If you're navigating or recovering from a toxic or abusive relationship that is the result of another person’s harmful behaviors toward you, you've likely wondered, "Will this person ever change? Can they even change? Do they want to change?" 

While people can indeed change under some circumstances, they typically must do so driven by their own desire, on their timeline, and through their chosen process. One crucial indicator of potential change is whether the person shows a genuine interest in doing so. Even more fundamentally, they must recognize the need for change due to the harm their behaviors inflict on others. The likelihood of someone altering harmful behaviors increases if they acknowledge the problem and express a genuine commitment to address it.

People who regularly engage in hurtful behaviors and consistently show a pattern of avoiding responsibility and accountability are the ones that raise the biggest red flags for me. 
    
One decision you can make to guard your well-being is to consider how long you may want to give a relationship to see if it will change. Change can take time, so it makes sense to be patient in some situations, especially if the other person is showing a genuine interest in working on their behaviors and the relationship. 

On the other hand, waiting for a harmful person to change could be an extended, or even lifetime, commitment, and you may not be willing to take on the suffering that you might endure over that time frame. Try to realistically assess the other person’s willingness and capacity to change, and work to put healthy boundaries in place if you decide to wait on a hopeful change in a toxic relationship. 

Take good care of yourself, and make your emotional and physical safety a priority when you’re dealing with someone who has hurt you. Be sure to seek professional help if you feel your safety is at risk or if you think a trained professional could help you sort through your thoughts and feelings about a specific person in your life. And always know you are worthy of making decisions that foster your personal growth, healing, and safety - even when these decisions can be difficult to make at times.