Expanding Your Empathy for Survivors: Understanding all the Layers of Potential Impacts of Abuse

By Christine Murray

If you’re supporting a survivor along their process of healing from an abusive relationship, you may at times wonder, “Why is it taking them so long to move on?” or “Why is this healing process taking so long?” 

Of course, it’s important to remember that every survivor’s journey--including their timeline for healing--is unique. Often, healing from an abusive relationship takes some time, which is why the 3rd Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors is “Committing to adopting a long-range perspective for your healing and growth.”

One way that anyone supporting a survivor along the healing journey can expand their empathy for the survivor’s experiences is by learning more about the many potential ways that an abusive relationship can impact survivors. 

Abusive relationships can have real and lasting effects on those in and around them. The extent of the effects that any survivor will experience will vary based on a variety of factors, including how long the relationship lasted, the severity of the abuse, whether they have a positive support system available, and whether the relationship is ongoing or has ended. Below, I’ll review some of the possible effects of abusive relationships. This list is not comprehensive, so keep an open mind to learn about any unique impacts that the survivor you’re supporting may have faced. 

Physical Impacts: There are many ways that the physical stress of an abusive relationship can manifest. A survivor who faced physical abuse may have experienced physical symptoms, injuries, or other effects, such as a traumatic brain injury (TBI). Other physical impacts--whether or not physical abuse was involved--might include sleep problems, headaches, muscle tension, a feeling of being physically “on edge,” and even chronic health problems resulting from long-term chronic stress. 

Low Self-Esteem: Over time, an abusive relationship can chip away at survivors’ self-esteem and lead them to question their self-worth. Abusers often directly and indirectly criticize and put down their partners. This is why it’s so important for survivors to have supporters who remind them that they are worthy of healthy, positive relationships, even if they may not feel worthy in any given moment. 

Self-blame: It is natural to wonder if you are to blame for another person treating you badly. Survivors may find themselves questioning what they did to deserve their abuser’s bad behavior. Abusers often add to survivors’ feelings of blame by outright blaming them for their abusive actions. 

Lack of Focus: An abusive relationship can present a major distraction and impact survivors’ mental focus. They may find themselves ruminating on things that were said or done in the context of the relationship. They may find it difficult to concentrate on their goals or other positive aspects of their lives.

Reduced Energy for Other Areas of Life: Being in an abusive relationship can feel like it just sucks the life right out of you. An abusive relationship can be all-consuming of survivors’ thoughts and energy. Even long after the relationship has ended, survivors may have lingering impacts on their thinking patterns and energy levels as they are processing their experiences with abuse. 

Spillover into Other Relationships: Experiencing an abusive relationship also can impact survivors’ feelings of safety and comfort in other relationships, even healthier ones. Abusive relationships typically feel unsafe and untrustworthy. Survivors may find that they have a hard time trusting others, so it can take time to build safety and trust in new relationships. 

Practical Consequences: The specific practical consequences of an abusive relationship will depend on the unique circumstances of the relationship. Some of the practical or logistical areas in which survivors’ lives might be impacted by an abusive relationship include the following: finances, career, education, housing, extended family relationships, parenting and custody issues, and safety concerns. As you offer support, but mindful of any specific practical consequences the survivor has faced that may be impacting their overall well-being and healing process. 

The above list highlights how many layers and complexities survivors might be navigating along their healing journey. In addition to the individual impacts that are possible in each of the above areas, the impacts of abuse often intersect. For example, the practical impacts of financial challenges might make it more difficult for a survivor to access mental health care to focus on building their self-esteem. 

As you offer support to survivors, try to adopt a long-range view for providing support, as well as asking the survivor whether and how they’d like for you to support them right now. And, practice patience as the survivor is navigating their healing journey--while also celebrating and encouraging their process along the way. And finally, remember to take good care of yourself while also offering your support to the survivor.