Building A Healthy Romantic Relationship After an Abusive One (Or Choosing to Stay Happily Single)6/17/2025 By Christine Murray
Healing after an abusive relationship is a very personal journey. For some survivors, part of that journey eventually includes building a new romantic relationship. For others, the healthiest, most empowering choice may be to remain happily single, whether temporarily or indefinitely. There’s no one-size-fits-all path, and today’s post is meant to offer encouragement for whichever direction feels right for you right now. After experiencing the trauma of an abusive relationship, it’s understandable to feel apprehensive about future romantic relationships. Survivors often have witnessed how easily trust can be broken and how painful it can be when hopes for love are shattered. Even still, it’s important to remember that safe, healthy relationships are possible after abuse. Relationships grounded in respect, kindness, communication, and emotional safety do exist. It may take time, healing, and trust in yourself, but if finding a new romantic relationship is something you want, it’s absolutely possible. At the same time, it’s just as valid to decide that pursuing a new relationship isn’t something you want or need, either for the time being or at any point in the future. Some survivors find deep fulfillment and peace in living single. You are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. The most important thing is that the choices you make about relationships moving forward honor your healing, well-being, and personal needs. Choosing to Stay Single: A Valid and Potentially Empowering Decision Not every survivor will desire to pursue a new relationship after abuse. Many survivors find that stepping away from dating and relationships is an important part of their healing. Some choose temporary breaks from romantic relationships to focus on self-care, while others decide to remain single long-term or permanently. There are many reasons survivors might choose to stay single, including desiring to focus on their healing, personal growth, and emotional safety, as well as seeking opportunities to enjoy their newfound freedom and independence after living under the control of their abuser. Choosing to remain single can be a powerful, courageous act of self-love. Of course, if you choose to stay single, it’s normal to encounter societal pressures or questions from others. You might hear, “When are you going to start dating again?” or, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” It’s okay to affirm your choices and remind yourself that your journey doesn’t need validation from anyone else. Entering New Relationships: Accepting Risk and Honoring Growth If you do choose to seek out a new romantic relationship after an abusive one, it’s important to recognize that some level of risk is inherent in trusting another person. Survivors may carry understandable fears, such as fear of being hurt again, fear of missing early warning signs, or fear of repeating painful patterns. Acknowledging these fears is healthy, and it’s a sign of the wisdom you gained through your experiences. Building a new, healthy relationship after abuse often requires self-awareness, intentionality, healthy boundaries, listening to your instincts, and seeking input and guidance from a trusted support system. Often, when starting to date again, it is wise to take things slowly as you get to know the other person and see if they have the potential to be a safe, supportive partner to you (and you to them). Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor when exploring new relationships. Counseling can offer tools for rebuilding trust, addressing trauma-related responses, and strengthening your sense of empowerment. Final Thoughts: Empowering Yourself to Make the Right Decisions for You Whether you pursue a new romantic relationship or choose to remain single, healing and wholeness come from within, not from another person. Remember that you are already worthy, complete, and deserving of love--whether from a partner, friends, family, or a community support system (not to mention, from yourself). Begin to seek out and enjoy love and support in its many possible forms, which may or may not include a new romantic relationship. One of the most difficult effects of many abusive relationships is that they limit survivors from the freedom to make their own choices safely. Healing often means reclaiming our right to decide for ourselves what’s best for our lives moving forward. Whether that means building a new romantic relationship, choosing to stay single, or remaining open to either path, trust that you are the best person to make those decisions. You deserve relationships (or no relationships) that honor your safety, your peace, and your dreams for your life. You are worthy of a future that feels safe, free, and filled with the love, joy, and respect you deserve--in whatever forms they take for you. Note from the blogger: Today’s post has been adapted from three posts I wrote previously as part of the See the Triumph Collection: Safe & Healthy Relationships Following Abuse: (1) Safe, Healthy Relationships Are Possible After Abuse, (2) Abstaining from Relationships Following Abuse, and (3) Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely.
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By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time. By Christine Murray
Last month, I crossed the finish line at the Pittsburgh Marathon—my seventh, and likely final, full marathon. I say “likely” because, as the years go by, the physical toll and schedule demands of training have become harder to manage. I still hope to take on a few more half-marathons and other shorter races, but completing this marathon felt like a meaningful milestone to me. As I trained for Pittsburgh, I found myself often thinking about how the process of training for a marathon is a lot like the journey of healing from an abusive relationship. While the race itself is an exciting event, it’s the months of training that truly shape the marathon experience. Just like the journey of healing from abuse, it’s the day-to-day progress that makes the biggest difference. So, let’s consider how healing from abuse is, in many ways, like training for a marathon. It Takes Time, Commitment, and Intention There aren’t really any shortcuts to marathon training—and the healing process is similar. Both require an ongoing, intentional investment of time and energy. You can’t expect to complete a marathon without preparing, even if you’re like me and moving at a very slow pace! Similarly, healing from an abusive relationship requires patience, self-awareness, and steady effort over time. Two of the six commitments in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework are relevant here: being intentional and taking a long-range view. Whether you’re building physical endurance or reclaiming your emotional well-being, the process isn’t quick. But with each intentional step, you move closer to strength and healing. You Often Need Support, Even When It’s Hard to Ask Marathon training often requires the support of others. That might mean carving out time in your family’s schedule, asking loved ones for flexibility, or seeking advice from a coach or experienced runner. In healing from abuse, the need for support is just as real—and often even more challenging to navigate. When you’ve experienced abuse, especially in a close relationship, your trust may be shaken. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable or scary. But support can come in different forms. It might look like attending therapy, joining a support group, reading a helpful book, or simply texting a friend when you’re struggling. Healing is hard enough—no one should have to go it alone. You Need to Be Mindful of What You’re Taking In Marathon training requires careful attention to hydration and nutrition—not just during the race, but throughout the training process. What you put into your body affects how you feel when you’re moving. The process of abuse recovery is similar. But instead of gels and water bottles, the “fuel” of healing might be uplifting music that boosts your mood, affirming trauma-informed resources, relationships that bring support instead of stress, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. Take inventory of what you’re consuming—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Are you fueling your healing or depleting yourself with negativity, doubt, or guilt? Adjust your intake as needed to support your progress. Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey When I tell people I train for marathons, I often get mixed reactions: some positive, others confused, and sometimes even critical. “Why would you want to do that?,” people ask. And the truth is, not everyone will understand. The same holds true in healing. You may make choices others don’t get, like stepping away from dating, cutting off a toxic mutual friend, or seeking therapy. Some people may question your decisions or expect you to “move on” more quickly. But healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about making choices that honor your own needs and values. And remember: You don’t need validation from others to do what’s best for you, whether it comes to training for a marathon or healing from an abusive relationship. You Get to Go at Your Own Pace One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through marathon training is that pace doesn’t determine the magnitude of the accomplishment. Whether someone finishes in lightning speed or (like me) is simply aiming to be done before the race course closes, they’re still a marathon finisher. The same is true in healing. Your pace is your own. Sometimes, progress comes quickly; other times, it’s slow and unsteady. Some days are full of breakthroughs, and others feel like you're just barely getting through. My marathon times have changed over the years. My fastest - over a decade ago now - was about four hours, but these days, I often walk more than I run. And that’s okay. There’s no one “right” pace. The key is to keep moving forward in a way that feels meaningful to you. Final Thoughts Training for what is likely my final marathon gave me time to reflect on my running journey, as well as the parallels between physical endurance events and emotional healing. Neither path is easy. Both can involve pain, frustration, and setbacks, but they also are opportunities for strength, growth, and transformation. You may not get a finisher’s medal at the end of your healing journey. You may not have a cheering crowd. But your journey is no less real, and your strength is no less powerful. So whether you’re in the earliest steps of healing, somewhere in the messy middle, or miles past the hardest parts: Keep going. Celebrate the small wins. And trust that, just like training for a marathon, every step you take is an important part of the process. By Christine Murray
Recently, I had the honor of speaking at the 13th Annual Celebration of Survivors Luncheon, hosted by Marva Edwards and Marva’s Outreach Mission. In today’s blog post, I wanted to share some highlights from my remarks at that event with those of you who couldn’t be there in person. The event reminded me of something that is at the heart of the mission of The Source for Survivors: That healing from abuse can be a long, winding journey, and often, it’s the small, quiet wins along the way that carry the most meaning. We Don’t Have to Wait for Huge Milestones to Be Celebrated Healing from an abusive relationship doesn’t often happen in one single moment in time. There is value in celebrating big “wins” along our healing journeys, but it’s important to value and honor the small, often unnoticed moments that demonstrate our progress as well. The luncheon’s theme of “Celebration of Survivors” resonated with me because I believe it is so important for there to be spaces where the strength, resilience, and triumphs of survivors are recognized. At the luncheon, I spoke about what it means to celebrate “small wins.” A small win could be:
Small wins may not be the dramatic milestones the world often likes to spotlight, but they are the everyday acts of reclaiming oneself along the healing journey. Small wins can show you that your healing is happening—even if no one else sees it. Celebrating Survivors’ Seemingly “Small” Everyday Wins Events like the Celebration of Survivors Luncheon are powerful because they remind us how important it is to be surrounded by people who honor the strength it takes to heal from abuse. As much as special events like the luncheon are important, however, I invite you to think of ways that you can build celebration into your everyday life. Whether on your own or in the company of your inner circle, seek out opportunities to recognize moments along your journey that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small at the time. Try not to overlook the importance of these seemingly small wins, and remember that every step you take forward - whether it’s a giant leap or a tiny baby step - offers a valuable opportunity for healing. Whether your win today is getting out of bed, sending a text to a friend, writing for a few minutes in your journal, or just taking some time for self-reflection, remember that small wins can add up to major impacts over time. You deserve to be celebrated, both for the big victories along your journey, along with the quiet acts of courage and strength you show each and every day. So today, and every day, may you give yourself permission to honor the small wins that are shaping your journey and helping you to grow and heal. By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
A Refresher on Our Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model: 6 Commitments for the Healing Journey4/29/2025 By Christine Murray
The Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model is the foundation of everything we do at Source for Survivors, providing a guiding framework for both survivors and those who support them. For those new to our community—or as a helpful refresher—this post offers a brief introduction to the Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model, which outlines six key commitments that can empower survivors on their healing journey. Healing from abuse is not a one-size-fits-all process, and these six commitments are not intended to be rigid, sequential steps but rather ongoing and evolving aspects of the healing journey. Survivors and supporters may engage with them at different times and in different ways, depending on their unique experiences and needs. The Pathway for Survivors: 6 Commitments for Healing
Each of these commitments can play a key role in a survivor’s healing process. If you’d like a deeper dive into how these commitments apply to survivors, you can explore our detailed introductory post here: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/survivorsblog/introduction-to-the-pathway-for-survivors-6-commitments-for-triumphing-over-abuse. Additionally, for those looking to support survivors, the Pathway for Supporters provides parallel commitments designed to foster safe and empowering support along survivors’ journeys—learn more here: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/communityblog/introduction-to-the-pathway-for-community-supports-6-commitments-for-being-survivor-centered. Wherever you are on your journey, remember: You deserve support, healing is possible, and you are not alone. Stay connected with us for more insights, encouragement, and resources along the way. By Christine Murray
If you spend much time on social media, you've likely come across the term "toxic positivity." While this isn’t a highly technical scientific psychological term, it can be a useful phrase to describe the experience of minimizing deep, painful emotions and covering them up with oversimplified, seemingly encouraging statements. For those who are people of faith, a related concept is "spiritual bypassing," which occurs when religious or spiritual teachings or statements are used to justify skipping over deeper emotional processing in favor of an overly positive, seemingly-spiritual outlook. In this blog post, we’ll explore what toxic positivity is, how it differs from genuine encouragement, and strategies survivors of abusive relationships can use when facing toxic positivity from others—or even from themselves. What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like? Toxic positivity can come from both external sources (such as friends, family, or community members) and from within our own inner dialogue. External Toxic Positivity When coming from others, toxic positivity often sounds like well-meaning but dismissive statements, such as:
When framed as spiritual bypassing, these statements might take forms like:
Internal Toxic Positivity Survivors may also find themselves using toxic positivity in their own self-talk. Some examples include:
Finding the Balance Between Positivity and Avoidance It’s important to note that encouragement and positivity do have a valuable place in the healing journey. Supportive friends, professional guidance, and self-affirming thoughts can all be beneficial. For example, many survivors (myself included!) find strength in uplifting music, inspirational quotes, or spiritual texts. However, the key is to avoid using positivity as a way to bypass or minimize genuine pain and healing work. Toxic positivity can be particularly harmful when it carries shame or guilt, making survivors feel like they “should” be healed by now or that their pain isn’t valid. Healing is a complex process that requires time, self-compassion, and space to fully process emotions. Strategies for Navigating Toxic Positivity If you recognize toxic positivity—whether from others or within yourself—here are a few ways to navigate it in a healthy way: 1. Increase Your Awareness: Simply understanding the concept of toxic positivity can be empowering. Not all positivity is harmful, but if a statement feels dismissive or minimizing, trust your gut. Being mindful of how certain words affect you can help you set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. 2. Consider Whether to Address Toxic Positivity Coming from Others: When faced with toxic positivity from others, consider whether and how to respond. Ask yourself:
For casual acquaintances, it may not be worth addressing, especially if you won’t be interacting with the other person much in the future. But if a close friend, family member, therapist, or clergy member frequently dismisses your pain, a conversation may be necessary to communicate your needs and boundaries. 3. Reframe Your Self-Talk: If you catch yourself using toxic positivity in your own thoughts, take a step back. Instead of saying, "I should be over this by now," try shifting to a more self-compassionate perspective: "Healing takes time, and I’m allowed to feel what I feel." Check out this past Source for Survivors blog post for more information about overcoming negative self-talk patterns. 4. Examine Whether Positivity is Being Used as Avoidance: Ask yourself: Is this positivity helping me move forward, or is it preventing me from fully acknowledging my emotions? If you notice that surface-level positivity is being used to avoid deeper work, consider engaging in healing practices like journaling, professional counseling, or support groups that will allow you the space needed to process your emotions more fully. Conclusion Toxic positivity can show up in subtle ways, but by increasing your awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-compassion, survivors can navigate their healing journeys with authenticity and depth. Encouragement and positivity have their place, but they should never come at the cost of invalidating real pain and growth. Healing isn’t about pretending everything is okay—it’s about honoring our experiences, processing our emotions in a meaningful way, and finding strength in the balance between hope and honesty. As always, seeking professional support, joining a community of survivors, and prioritizing self-care can be invaluable steps in this journey. You deserve healing that acknowledges your full experience—not just the parts that seem easy to talk about. By Christine Murray
Life as a survivor of abuse can feel overwhelming, chaotic, and confusing at times. The layers of complications stemming from the abuse—such as emotional, financial, legal, or relational—can touch nearly every aspect of life, making the healing journey feel daunting. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed at various points along the healing journey. You may be navigating multiple challenges, from mental health struggles and parenting concerns to financial instability, career challenges, and re-establishing boundaries with friends or family members. Whether you’re newly beginning your healing journey or well into the process, the sheer complexity of recovery can make it difficult to know where to start. In this blog post, I want to suggest the concept of simplicity as a guiding principle that might be helpful along the healing journey. Focusing on simplicity can help counteract the chaos and confusion that abuse often leaves in its wake, providing a sense of clarity and direction as you move toward healing and recovery in different areas of your life. The Challenge of Embracing Simplicity For many survivors, simplicity may not come naturally. Abusers often thrive on creating confusion and drama, such as by using manipulation to gain and maintain control. This dynamic can persist even after the relationship ends, especially in cases of post-separation abuse. As a result, chaos and complexity may start to feel like a normal, even expected, part of life. If you can relate to this, shifting toward simplicity might feel foreign or even uncomfortable. The unpredictability of an abusive relationship may have led you to brace for complications at every turn. However, recognizing this pattern is a powerful first step toward reclaiming peace and control in your life. A Personal Reflection on Simplicity In my own life, the confusion and manipulation I experienced both during and after my abusive relationship left me feeling like complexity and tension were the norm. Even though I recognized the challenges I was facing as stressful, I didn’t immediately realize how much the complexity had infiltrated my thinking and daily life. It took an intentional effort to pause, reflect, and actively choose a different path—one that prioritized simplicity and peace. I won’t claim that this process was easy or fast, and I recognize that simplicity may not be the right guiding principle for every survivor. However, I encourage you to reflect on whether chaos and complexity have become unwelcome but steady companions in your life. If so, consider whether embracing simplicity could help create a sense of steadiness and empowerment in your healing journey. What Does Simplicity Look Like? At its core, simplicity is about reducing unnecessary complications and focusing on what truly matters. It doesn’t mean eliminating all challenges in life—some complexities are unavoidable—but rather aiming to find ways to build a life that is as manageable and peaceful as possible. Here are a few ways to consider applying simplicity as a guiding principle in the healing journey as a survivor: 1. Clarify Your Priorities: Instead of trying to change every aspect of your life at once, identify one or two key areas to focus on. Healing is a long-term process, and progress doesn’t happen all at once. You might have concerns spanning mental health, career, parenting, friendships, and finances—but trying to address all of these areas at once can lead to exhaustion. Prioritizing just one or two areas at a time can help make progress feel more achievable. 2. Streamline Decision-Making: Decision fatigue is real, especially for survivors navigating complex situations. Simplify where you can—whether it’s limiting your choices in daily routines, setting firm but clear boundaries, or breaking big decisions into smaller, more manageable steps. 3. Reduce Mental Clutter: If you find yourself caught in overthinking patterns, try grounding techniques, journaling, or working with a professional counselor to help calm your inner dialogue. Practicing mindfulness or setting designated “worry times” can also help contain anxious thoughts, making space for more peace. 4. Simplify Financial Recovery: Financial abuse is common in abusive relationships, and rebuilding financial stability in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. In our recent book Financial Abuse Recovery, we discuss how simplicity can be a powerful tool in this process. For example, rather than feeling pressured to master complex financial strategies, start with the basics: opening a single checking account, creating a basic budget, and setting small, attainable savings goals. 5. Embrace Small, Sustainable Steps: Healing is not about giant leaps; often, the most meaningful progress comes from small, consistent efforts. Choosing simplicity means letting go of unrealistic expectations and recognizing that even small steps forward are valuable. The Power of Letting Go While simplicity is a helpful guiding principle, it’s also important to be kind to yourself along the way. Healing from abuse is inherently complex, and striving for a completely uncomplicated life isn’t likely to be realistic. Instead, think of simplicity as a spectrum—one you’re gradually moving toward, not a perfect state you must immediately achieve. Give yourself grace and patience as you work through this process. If simplifying certain aspects of your life brings more ease and clarity, embrace it. But if some areas remain complicated despite your best efforts, remember that healing is not about perfection—it’s about progress. If simplicity resonates with you, consider ways to incorporate it into your healing journey. Take time to reflect on areas where you can reduce complexity, establish priorities, and cultivate peace. Every survivor’s path is unique, so tailor this approach in a way that feels most supportive to you. Above all, remember that healing is possible, and by choosing to focus on what truly matters, you can build a life that feels more peaceful, intentional, and empowering. By Christine Murray
For survivors of abusive relationships, unfairness can feel like a harsh reality and a deeply personal experience. The injustice of abuse itself is undeniable—offering love, kindness, and support in a relationship only to be met with pain and harm is profoundly unfair. But beyond that, survivors often encounter additional layers of unfairness, both during the abusive relationship and throughout the healing journey. As someone who has navigated my own healing journey and worked closely with many survivors, I have seen how this sense of unfairness can be overwhelming. It’s not just about what happened in the past—it’s about the lingering consequences that often don’t seem to impact the abuser in the same way. Recognizing and processing these feelings is an important part of healing for many survivors. In this post, we’ll explore some of the common injustices survivors face and strategies for managing the emotions that arise from them. Recognizing the Many Forms of Unfairness There are countless ways that unfairness manifests in the context of current or former abusive relationships. Here are some of the most common:
Processing and Managing the Emotions That Come with Unfairness Acknowledging any injustices you have faced is an important step in the healing process. Ignoring or suppressing these experiences and associated feelings can create barriers to healing. Below are some potentially helpful strategies to process and move forward: 1. Validate Your Feelings and Experiences It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened was not fair. You don’t have to downplay your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. Permit yourself to say, “This was unjust, and I deserved better.” Having supportive people who affirm your experiences—whether trusted friends, family members, or a counselor—can be incredibly healing. Affirmations can also help reinforce self-validation:
2. Allow Yourself to Fully Process Your Emotions Unfairness can stir up intense emotions—anger, sadness, disbelief, and even rage. These feelings are valid, and working through them is essential. Find safe ways to process your emotions, such as:
If you’d like to explore more about navigating the emotional roller coaster of healing, check out our past blog post on this topic. 3. Channel the Unfairness into Positive Action While you may not be able to change what happened to you, you might consider channeling your frustrations about the unfairness into positive action. Many survivors find empowerment by:
That said, always ensure that giving back doesn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. If advocacy or helping others becomes overwhelming or triggering, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your healing. 4. Seek Lessons and Empowering Decisions While no one should have to “learn” from an unjust experience, seeking lessons can sometimes be a way to regain a sense of control. For example:
Seeking lessons isn’t about minimizing the pain of what happened—it’s about reclaiming your power and creating a future that feels safer and more aligned with your needs. Moving Forward with Strength and Self-Compassion Survivors of abuse often carry heavy burdens of injustice. While we can’t always change what happened, we can choose how we process and respond to it. Healing is about finding ways to acknowledge what was unfair, give ourselves grace in the process, and take steps toward a life that feels more stable, empowered, and fulfilling. Remember, you are not alone. There is strength in facing these emotions and wisdom in seeking paths forward that honor your healing. You deserve fairness, justice, and peace, even if the journey toward them feels long. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from yourself and from those who truly support you. If you need support, consider reaching out to a counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones. Healing is possible, and you deserve to move forward in a way that brings you peace. |
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