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By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is rarely a smooth or linear process. Along the way, many survivors experience powerful waves of emotion; sometimes, this is in response to ongoing interactions, and sometimes, emotions linger long after the abuse has ended. Abusive relationships can bring both immediate emotional reactions, such as fear, anger, or confusion, as well as longer-term emotional impacts like grief, sadness, or emotional exhaustion. These emotions are understandable, natural responses to prolonged stress, harm, and loss. Learning how to acknowledge and process difficult emotions in healthy ways is an important part of healing. Without supportive tools and strategies, emotions can feel overwhelming and begin to take a toll on mental and emotional well-being, especially if contact with the abusive person is ongoing. This post will focus on common difficult emotions survivors may experience and offer gentle, practical guidance for understanding and working through them. The goal is not to “get rid of” emotions, but to build skills that help you move through them with greater self-compassion, clarity, and care. Self-Reflection: Making Space for Difficult Emotions As a survivor of an abusive relationship, your emotions may feel intense, complicated, or even confusing, and that’s understandable. Taking time for gentle self-reflection can help you better understand your emotional world and support your healing. If it feels safe to do so, consider reflecting on one or more of the questions below. • Which emotions feel hardest for you to experience or process? What past experiences might have shaped that discomfort? • How did your emotions shift over time in the abusive relationship? What might those emotions have been trying to tell you? • Have there been times in your life when you felt discouraged from feeling or expressing your emotions? How does that affect you today? • What emotional strengths are you proud of, and where might you want to grow with more support or compassion? Your emotions carry important information, and learning to gently listen to them can be a powerful part of healing. You deserve space, permission, and support as you process what you’ve been through. Sitting with Uncomfortable Emotions As a survivor of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to experience difficult emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or loneliness. While none of us typically want to feel these emotions, they are a normal part of being human and an important part of healing. One helpful skill is learning to gently sit with uncomfortable emotions instead of immediately trying to push them away. When we build tolerance for difficult feelings, we’re often better able to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting in ways that increase distress. If it feels safe for you, consider trying a brief reflection or mindfulness practice: • Find a quiet, comfortable space and take a few slow, calming breaths. • Bring to mind a mildly uncomfortable emotional experience (start small). • Notice what emotions arise, reminding yourself that you are safe in this moment. • Offer yourself a grounding affirmation, such as: “This is uncomfortable, but I can tolerate it and care for myself through it.” • When you’re ready, shift your attention to something soothing or positive before returning to your day. You never have to force yourself to feel more than you’re ready for. Healing happens gradually, and learning to sit with emotions (at your own pace) can be a powerful step toward emotional resilience. Observing Your Emotions During interactions with an abusive person, emotions like anger, fear, frustration, or stress can escalate quickly. These reactions are completely understandable. At the same time, intense emotions can sometimes make it harder to respond in ways that truly protect your well-being. One skill that can be helpful is learning to observe your emotions as they’re happening. This doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing your feelings. Instead, imagine that part of you is experiencing the moment, while another part of you is calmly observing it from a slight distance, almost like a compassionate witness. As you practice this internal observer role, you might gently ask yourself: • What would an observer notice about my emotions right now? • How well am I managing or coping with these feelings in this moment? You don’t need to answer these questions perfectly or in real time. Even brief moments of awareness can help create space between what you feel and how you respond. After the interaction has passed and you’re in a safer, calmer space, reflect on what you noticed. Over time, this practice can help you better understand your emotional patterns, strengthen your self-regulation skills, and make choices that align more closely with your safety and healing. Using Creativity to Express Your Emotions You don’t need to consider yourself “artistic” for creativity to be a powerful way to process emotions. Creative expression can offer a nonverbal way to explore feelings that may be difficult to put into words, especially after experiences of abuse. If it feels safe to do so, bring to mind a recent emotionally intense experience related to the abusive relationship. Then, using whatever materials you have available (such as doodling, drawing, coloring, or creating a collage), allow yourself to visually express what you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. This practice isn’t about creating something polished or impressive. It’s about giving your emotions a place to exist outside of your mind and body. Let the process guide you, even if it feels a little unfamiliar or imperfect. Afterward, take a moment to reflect: What did you notice about expressing your emotions creatively compared to talking or writing about them? You may find that creativity helps you access insights, release tension, or connect with parts of yourself that need care and compassion. Processing Experiences of Emotional Manipulation Emotional manipulation is a common and painful part of many abusive relationships. Abusive partners may attempt (overtly or subtly) to influence your emotions in ways that benefit them, often leaving you feeling confused, guilty, or doubting yourself. If it feels safe and supportive to do so, take some time to reflect on your experiences. You might consider moments when emotional manipulation felt obvious, as well as times when it was harder to recognize in the moment. Both are valid, and neither reflects a failure on your part. As you look back, practice offering yourself compassion. Many survivors don’t recognize emotional manipulation while it’s happening. Manipulation is often intentionally designed to be confusing. You are not to blame for how another person chose to treat you. You may also notice that these experiences affected how you manage emotions today. That awareness can be an important step in healing. Understanding the impact of emotional manipulation can help you rebuild trust in yourself and develop healthier ways to process difficult emotions moving forward. Conclusion: Committing to Caring for Your Emotional Well-Being Healing from an abusive relationship involves navigating many layers of emotional impact; some of these show up immediately, and others unfold over time. You may notice intense emotions in the aftermath of difficult interactions, as well as longer-term feelings such as grief, sadness, numbness, or anxiety that linger as you continue your healing journey. All of these emotions are valid, and none of them mean that you are doing healing “wrong.” Throughout this series over the past several weeks, we’ve explored ways to acknowledge, understand, and gently process difficult emotions as a survivor of abuse. While there is no single “right” way to work through emotions, what matters most is your ongoing commitment to caring for yourself with intention, patience, and compassion. As you move forward, consider what it looks like for you to make your emotional well-being a priority. That might include practicing skills that help you tolerate uncomfortable emotions, finding safe ways to express your feelings, building awareness of how past abuse has shaped your emotional responses, or setting boundaries that protect your peace. It also may include recognizing when emotions feel overwhelming or persistent and reaching out for additional support. Seeking help from a trained mental health professional can be an important and courageous step, especially if emotional distress begins to interfere with daily life or feels difficult to manage on your own. Reaching out for support is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it’s a reflection of self-respect and care. Visit the Other Resources section of our website to connect with potential sources of professional support: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/resources.html. Above all, remember that your emotions matter. They carry important information about your experiences, your needs, and your healing. By committing to honoring and caring for your emotional health, you are taking meaningful steps toward a future that feels safer, more grounded, and more aligned with who you are becoming. Note: This blog post includes a summary of a social media series that ran on The Source for Survivors Facebook and Instagram pages over the past several weeks.
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Note: This post is a summary of a series that ran on our social media channels during the last 3 weeks.
Deciding whether, when, and how to end an abusive relationship is rarely simple. Survivors often face layers of emotional, practical, financial, relational, and safety-related factors that make these decisions feel overwhelming and confusing. It’s common to find yourself weighing multiple possibilities at once, whether that means staying for now, creating more distance, exploring whether change is possible, or planning to leave. This post will explore some of the considerations survivors may face when navigating decisions about ending an abusive relationship. These decisions are not one-size-fits-all, and not every option may feel safe or available right now. Wherever you are in this process, you deserve compassion, clarity, and support as you think through what’s best for you. When you’re considering decisions about an abusive relationship, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed, unsure, or disconnected from your gut instincts. In those moments, grounding yourself in a gentle reminder of your inner strength can be powerful. You may find it helpful to use the following statement as an affirmation, such as by reading it, writing it down, or returning to it when doubts arise: “I have the capacity to make healthy decisions about how I will respond to and navigate my experiences in my relationships.” Deciding whether and how to end an abusive relationship is rarely a simple or straightforward process. Many survivors find it helpful to pause and reflect, gently and intentionally, on what they’re experiencing, what they need, and what feels safest and healthiest moving forward. The following reflection questions are offered as a tool to support your own processing. You may choose to journal about them, talk them through with a trusted loved one or trained professional, or simply sit with them quietly over time. You might consider:
When you’re deciding whether or how to move forward in relation to an abusive relationship, emotions (e.g., fear) can have an understandable and powerful influence on your choices. Fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of retaliation, or fear of the unknown can all understandably shape how survivors navigate these decisions. Taking time to gently notice when fear or other discomfort-based emotions may be influencing your decisions can be an important step in the healing process. Try to avoid shame for any emotions that arise, and remember that fear and other intense emotions are a very natural response when safety, stability, and the future feel uncertain. You might consider reflecting on questions such as: What is your ideal outcome for this relationship? What fears are coming up for you as you think about possible next steps? And how can you acknowledge those fears while also making decisions that will promote your safety and well-being? Building awareness of your emotions and seeking support to help you work through them can help you make decisions that are grounded in sensitivity to your emotions, as well as in your values, needs, and hopes for safety and healing. Processing Your Experiences When you’re in an abusive relationship, it can be deeply confusing to sort through mixed feelings, especially if there are moments or qualities that feel positive alongside very real harm. This mix of “good,” seemingly-neutral, and harmful experiences often creates ambivalence and makes decisions about the future feel even harder. One reflection exercise that some survivors find helpful is to imagine a scale. On one side, list the positive qualities or moments you associate with the person or the relationship. On the other side, list the harmful, abusive, or controlling behaviors and patterns you’ve experienced. When you step back and look at the scale as a whole, what do you notice about how the positives and negatives balance out? This exercise can help bring clarity to what you’re living with and how the relationship impacts your safety, well-being, and peace. In abusive relationships, it’s especially important to remember that positive moments do not cancel out abuse. Give yourself permission to reflect honestly and gently. Whatever you notice from this process, your experiences and feelings matter. Exploring "Sunk Costs" Finally, let's consider an idea that often keeps survivors feeling stuck: sunk costs.In financial terms, a sunk cost is an investment that’s already been made and can’t be recovered, no matter what decision comes next. Relationships can carry sunk costs, too. These may include the time, energy, emotional labor, love, hope, and effort you’ve already poured into the relationship, as well as the sacrifices you’ve made trying to make things work. These investments can make it incredibly difficult to even consider leaving an abusive relationship. You might find yourself thinking, “I’ve already put so much into this,” or “I can’t let all of this be for nothing.” While these thoughts are very natural and understandable, sunk costs alone are not a reason to stay in a relationship that harms you. It can be healthy (and necessary) to acknowledge and grieve what you’ve invested within an abusive relationship. At the same time, your past investments don’t have to determine your future. Reflecting on sunk costs can help you understand how they may be influencing your decisions and allow you to gently loosen their hold on your next steps. You might consider journaling or reflecting on questions such as:
Your physical and emotional safety is a top priority as you decide whether, when, and how to end an abusive relationship. For support navigating the safety issues related to abusive relationships, please consider reaching out to a local domestic violence service provider agency (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/directory-of-local-providers/) and/or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/). The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers an online safety planning tool at the following link: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/. By Christine Murray
Healthy relationship boundaries are essential to emotional well-being, safety, and the overall health of our connections with others. Yet many survivors of abusive or abusive relationships find that boundaries are a very challenging areas of their relational lives. This is understandable. Abusive partners often ignore, violate, or punish boundaries, leaving survivors feeling confused, guilty, or unsafe for asserting what they need. If past relationships taught you that your boundaries didn’t matter, it makes sense that navigating boundaries today may feel confusing or even intimidating. But setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a skill that can be developed. And strengthening this skill can become a powerful part of the healing process. Today’s blog post explores what healthy boundaries look like, why they matter so much, and how you can begin defining and honoring your own boundaries moving forward. Why Boundaries Are Hard After Abuse People who are abusive within relationships often disregard others’ boundaries entirely. They may react with anger, manipulation, guilt trips, or punishments when their partner sets limits. Over time, this can leave survivors feeling:
Healing allows you to begin rewriting those patterns. A Simple Formula for Healthy Boundaries One helpful way to conceptualize healthy boundaries is through a simple equation: Clarity + Flexibility = Healthy Boundaries Clarity involves:
As you continue healing, it may be helpful to ask yourself reflective questions such as the following:
Healthy boundaries are acts of self-respect and cornerstones of healthy relationships. They protect your emotional safety, support your healing, and help you build relationships where you can thrive. As you move forward, remind yourself often:
You are worthy of boundaries that honor your healing, your safety, and your dignity. With practice and support, you can continue strengthening this skill as you build relationships that reflect the respect and compassion you deserve. By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is a deeply personal process. While every survivor’s journey is unique, many people find that taking time to reflect intentionally on their priorities along the healing journey can bring clarity, direction, and renewed hope. When life has been filled with chaos, fear, or emotional upheaval, pausing to consider what you need most moving forward can be an empowering step. Survivors often carry the heavy impacts of trauma, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. Amid all of this, it’s easy for your own needs to become buried under the stress of coping, staying safe, and rebuilding. That’s why intentionally naming your healing priorities can be a powerful act of self-care. It reminds you that your well-being matters and that your healing deserves space, time, and attention. Below, you’ll find a simple reflection exercise adapted for the Source for Survivors community. Take your time with each statement. There are no right or wrong answers. Keep in mind that healing is not linear, and your priorities may evolve as you gain strength, safety, and clarity. Reflection Exercise: Exploring Your Healing Priorities Consider these prompts as a starting point for deeper reflection. You may want to write in a journal, talk through your thoughts with a counselor, or simply reflect quietly on each one.
Final Thoughts As you reflect on your responses, try to notice what themes, feelings, or hopes rise to the surface. Are you longing for more peace? More confidence? Stronger boundaries? A deeper connection with yourself? Greater joy? Healing is about taking small, intentional steps toward the life you deserve. Remember, naming your priorities is not meant to add pressure. Instead, it’s an invitation to be gentle and honest with yourself. Your healing belongs to you, and you get to decide where your energy goes. Above all, keep reminding yourself that healing is possible. The fact that you’re exploring what you need and envisioning a healthier future is a powerful sign of strength. Step by step, you are reclaiming your voice, your worth, and your path forward. By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive or abusive relationship involves unpacking many layers of impact, including physical, emotional, social, and practical effects of the abuse. One of the most significant, yet often overlooked, effects of abuse is how it can alter the way survivors think and feel about themselves. Abusive people often use criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation as tools of control, and over time, these tactics can deeply influence survivors’ self-concept and worldview. If you’ve noticed shifts in how you see yourself, your relationships, or your beliefs about life because of what you experienced, please know this is a normal response to harmful behavior. The good news is that with time, support, and intentional healing, these impacts can be understood, softened, and healed. In today’s post, we’ll explore two major areas commonly affected by abuse: your self-concept and your underlying beliefs about life. You’ll also find self-reflection exercises to help you gently explore your own experiences in these areas. How Abuse Can Shape Your Self-Concept Your self-concept includes your sense of worth, confidence, identity, and trust in your own perceptions. Abusive relationships often chip away at these foundations, sometimes slowly and subtly, other times abruptly and painfully. If you have ever questioned your judgment, doubted your worth, or felt worn down by interactions with a harmful person, you are not alone. These responses are common because abusive people frequently use tactics such as:
Self-Reflection Exercise: Self-Concept Impacts (True/False)
How Abuse Can Shift Your Core Beliefs Beyond impacting how you think about yourself, abusive relationships often lead survivors to question fundamental beliefs about relationships, the future, spirituality, and even the goodness of helping others. These shifts make sense, as abuse can shake the ground beneath survivors in profound ways. When someone you trusted harms you, it’s only natural that your beliefs about safety, hope, or trust may change. Below is a another self-reflection exercise designed to help you identify areas where your fundamental beliefs may have been affected. You can write down your responses privately, discuss them with a trained professional, or simply use them as a starting point for deeper reflection. Self-Reflection Exercise: Exploring Possible Shifts in Core Beliefs Beliefs About Relationships: Example: “Other people can’t easily be trusted.” What beliefs about relationships (e.g., trust, intimacy, boundaries, connection) have been shaped by your experiences? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Hope for the Future: Example: “Life will always be so difficult.” Have recent challenges influenced how you view your future, your goals, or your sense of possibility? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About Your Spiritual or Religious Views: Example: “Why doesn’t my Higher Power help me more?” Have your faith, spirituality, or sense of meaning been affected by what you experienced? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Beliefs About the Value of Helping Others: Example: “People will hurt you even when you try to help them.” Have the actions of an abusive person affected your belief in kindness, compassion, or reciprocity? (Pause to consider and/or journal about your reflections.) Concluding Thoughts Exploring these impacts may bring up difficult feelings, and that’s understandable. Sometimes gaining insight means revisiting wounds we’ve been carrying for a long time. As you reflect, please remember:
By Christine Murray
The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, filled with holiday treats, celebrations, and connection. But for many survivors of abusive relationships, this season can also bring unique challenges and complicated emotions. Survivors’ experiences around the holidays are diverse. Some may feel deep loneliness, especially if they’re spending the holidays apart from their children or loved ones. Others might feel anxious about facing questions from relatives about their past relationship or their current life. Many feel overwhelmed by the busyness and added pressures that often arise during the holiday season. And for some survivors, the holidays might also bring painful memories of past years that were overshadowed or ruined by an abuser’s actions. For whatever reasons, please know you’re not alone and that it’s natural if this time of year doesn’t feel joyful or peaceful for you. Honor Your Feelings and Needs It’s understandable if the holidays feel hard. Give yourself permission to experience whatever emotions come up, whether that’s sadness, anger, grief, numbness, or even relief. You don’t need to force yourself into holiday cheer if that doesn’t feel genuine. Instead, focus on honoring your feelings and your current needs. This might mean setting aside extra time for rest, quiet reflection, or self-care. Journaling, engaging in creative outlets, or simply being present during moments of stillness can help you stay grounded through emotionally intense times. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Peace Boundaries are especially important during the holidays. Give yourself permission to make decisions and set boundaries that promote your well-being. Remember that you do not have to attend events, answer intrusive questions, or engage with people who make you uncomfortable or unsafe. It’s okay to say no, decline invitations, keep certain topics off-limits, or step away early from a gathering if it starts to feel overwhelming. If people pressure you to talk about your past relationship or other painful topics, you can prepare gentle but clear responses in advance, such as: “That’s not something I want to talk about right now,” or “Thanks for your concern, but I’m focusing on enjoying the day.” Your emotional well-being is important. Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-protection. Create New Traditions That Bring You Joy Healing often means re-imagining what joy looks like for you. You might find comfort in creating your own new traditions that reflect where you are in your life now. Buy yourself a small gift that feels meaningful. Spend time with supportive friends. Enjoy a favorite holiday meal or dessert. Listen to uplifting music, even if it has nothing to do with the holidays. Or, if you prefer, skip festivities altogether and spend the time resting or reflecting. There’s no “right” way to celebrate (or not celebrate) the holidays. The key is to create space for what feels comforting and meaningful to you at this point in your healing journey. Reach Out for Support If You Need It If you’re feeling particularly distressed or lonely this holiday season, remember that help is available. Support is available 24/7 through the 988 Lifeline and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can also visit our Other Source for Survivors Resources page Conclusion It’s completely natural if you’re counting down the days until the holidays are over. But even during difficult seasons, try to create small moments of peace, comfort, and joy whenever possible. Be intentional about creating an upcoming holiday season that honors your needs, safety, and healing. By Christine Murray
So many parts of adulthood require us to do things we’d rather not do, such as paying bills, scheduling doctor appointments, cleaning, or doing laundry. Life as a responsible adult certainly isn’t always fun and games, and it can be grueling at times. For survivors of abusive relationships, however, the “things we don’t want to do” category can be even more intense and emotionally draining. Facing a court date, communicating with an abusive ex-partner about custody issues, or taking extra time to document harassment are all examples of tasks that may feel overwhelming and distressing but, unfortunately, are sometimes unavoidable parts of the healing journey. Because these situations can’t always be avoided, it’s helpful to plan ahead and approach them with as much support and intentionality as possible. Below are some ideas for getting through challenging situations in ways that can promote healing and reduce unnecessary stress. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions: When something feels painful or unfair, it’s natural for strong emotions to arise. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, whether that’s anger, sadness, fear, frustration, or exhaustion. Try not to dismiss your feelings or pressure yourself into “just staying positive” when you’re hurting. Journaling, therapy, or naming your emotions aloud can be healthy ways to process your feelings. Surround Yourself with Trusted Supporters: You don’t have to face hard moments alone. Reach out to people you trust, such as close friends, family members, an advocate, or a counselor, and let them know what you’re going through. Trusted supporters can listen without judgment, help you plan practical steps, and remind you of your strength when you need encouragement. Prepare and Practice: If you know you’ll need to face a difficult situation, such as communicating with your abuser or appearing in court, rehearsing possible scenarios can help you feel more confident in the moment. As much as possible, role-play what you might say, plan for how you’ll respond if something upsetting happens, and identify strategies to promote your composure and safety. Keep the Big Picture in Mind: When you’re in the middle of something difficult, it can be easy to lose sight of why you’re doing it. Try to zoom out and remember your bigger goals. For example, spending time documenting your abuser’s ongoing harassment might feel burdensome, but that documentation could help protect a survivor legally or emotionally in the long run in court proceedings. Keeping your “why” in focus can help you push through the hard parts with more purpose and clarity. Lift Yourself Up: Encouragement matters, especially when you’re facing tough situations. Find ways to cheer yourself on. Examples might include posting uplifting quotes where you’ll see them, playing a favorite song that boosts your confidence, saying a prayer, or repeating a positive affirmation. These small acts of self-encouragement can help you approach difficult tasks with greater self-assurance. Reflect and Decompress Afterward: Once you’ve made it through the hard thing, take time to pause and reflect. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow? Even if the experience was painful or uncomfortable, notice ways you showed up with courage and integrity. Afterward, do something that feels self-supporting, like taking a walk, spending time with someone who makes you laugh, or doing a hobby that you find to be creative or relaxing. Conclusion Healing from past abuse often involves facing challenges that feel unfair, unwanted, and tiring. But each time you take one of these difficult steps, you’re proving your strength and your commitment to your safety and well-being. Even when the healing process feels difficult, remind yourself that you are capable, strong, and worthy of healing and wholeness. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships are difficult to experience, and they can impact you in many ways, including your physical, emotional, and mental health, your career or educational performance, your sense of self-worth, and how you approach other relationships. Coping with an abusive relationship can be very challenging, as can the process of recovering from the effects of an abusive relationship even after it has ended. In today’s post, I want to share a few important reminders for survivors who are at any point along the sometimes long, difficult healing journey following an abusive relationship. Throughout your healing journey, prioritize your safety and consider seeking help from a trained professional (e.g., a mental health professional or a victim advocate). Remember that this includes your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety and overall well-being in all areas of your life, including your finances, relationships, and career. Be intentional and consistent in caring for yourself when coping with or recovering from an abusive relationship. This includes caring for your physical, mental, and emotional health. Be mindful of any effects that the stress and turmoil of the abusive relationship have had on your well-being. Overcoming these negative effects of this harmful relationship can take time and require an intentional approach to healing. The healing journey takes a different amount of time for everyone, so be patient and remember to move forward at a pace that feels comfortable and meaningful to you. Even if you have had many abusive relationship experiences, know that you have the capacity to build healthy relationships with healthy, flexible boundaries in different areas of your life. If you are still navigating any ongoing experiences of abuse (such as post-separation abuse if there is shared custody with your abuser), be proactive and intentional as you make decisions about which directions you need to take in those situations, both in the short-term and over the long term. If you find yourself in the midst of an abusive relationship that you know needs to end, but you can’t do so right away for practical or other reasons, begin taking steps that will move you closer to being in a position to remove yourself from that relationship or environment when the time is right. Resources like a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be invaluable sources of support. Congratulations on being intentional about your healing journey, whether your journey is just beginning or you’ve been in the process for a long time. By doing so, you have prioritized your well-being and taken powerful steps toward healing. Remember to continue to prioritize your growth and self-care as you move forward. This may look like completing self-help activities or books, or seeking professional support. Know that any steps you take toward increasing your capacity for coping with or recovering from the abusive relationship experiences you faced are powerful growth opportunities. And finally, always remember that you are worthy of a positive, fulfilling life in which you’re surrounded by people who genuinely care about and support you. There is nothing in your past that disqualifies you from that positive vision for your future. By Christine Murray
As a longtime licensed marriage and family therapist, I deeply believe in the potential value of relationship- and family-oriented counseling. There can be tremendous growth and healing when couples or families work together in a therapeutic setting to address challenges and strengthen their relationships. That said, in today’s post, I want to address a very important point: Couples therapy generally is not recommended when abuse is present in a relationship. In fact, it can be harmful and unsafe for the victim or survivor. Below, I’ll walk through why couples therapy is generally not appropriate when a partner is perpetrating abuse, and what alternative forms of support may be more helpful and safe. Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that this topic can bring up a lot of emotions, especially for survivors who tried couples counseling with an abusive partner and found it confusing, invalidating, or even re-traumatizing. If that has been your experience, please know that it makes sense, and you are not alone. Please also note that the information I’m sharing here is meant as general guidance. If you are considering whether therapy might be helpful in your situation, or if you’re feeling unsure about a relationship that has included abusive dynamics, I encourage you to seek individualized support. This might include a counselor who is trained in domestic violence dynamics or reaching out to a resource such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence advocacy agency. Why Couples Therapy Isn’t Safe or Effective in Abusive Relationships In general, couples counseling works best when both partners are committed to a foundation of safety and respect and are open to reflecting on their own roles in the relationship dynamics. But when abuse is present, these conditions don’t exist. Here’s why this matters: 1. Safety Concerns for the Survivor First and foremost, couples therapy can pose serious risks to survivors. An abusive partner might retaliate after emotionally charged topics are addressed in a therapy session. Even if the abuser appears calm during the session, they may act later with escalated emotional, psychological, or physical abuse as “punishment” for what was said. Typically, couples counselors can only get a limited glimpse into what’s happening in the relationship. Abusers may present themselves as calm, rational, or even remorseful in front of the therapist, which can be part of their manipulation. But once the session ends, their controlling and harmful behaviors may continue or worsen, out of the therapist’s view. 2. Couples Counseling Treats Relationship Issues as Mutual Generally speaking, couples therapy addresses problems as shared or mutual between partners. But abuse is not a mutual problem. It’s an individual behavior that stems from an abuser’s motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. Approaching abuse as a relationship problem can minimize the accountability of the abusive partner. It may send the message, intentionally or not, that the survivor is somehow responsible for the abuse or needs to change their behavior to make the abuse stop. This is never true. Abuse is always the sole responsibility of the person who is choosing to be abusive. 3. Therapy Requires Trust and Safety, Which Abuse Undermines Effective therapy requires a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety. Without those elements, the therapeutic process can’t work the way it’s intended to. When power and control dynamics exist in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible for both partners to feel safe enough to engage honestly and openly in counseling. In some cases, abusers may even use therapy sessions as a tool of manipulation, such as by twisting the survivor’s words, gaining more access to their emotional vulnerabilities, or using the session to appear cooperative while continuing their abuse outside the session. What to Consider Instead of Couples Counseling If you or someone you care about is in a relationship where abuse is present, and the question of therapy or healing comes up, there are safer and more effective alternatives than couples counseling to consider: 1. Accountability and Intervention for the Abusive Partner The most important first step for an abusive partner is to take full responsibility for their behaviors and demonstrate a sustained commitment to change. The current best practice for intervention is participation in a batterer intervention program (BIP), sometimes also called a domestic violence intervention program. These programs are often mandated through the court system, but many also accept voluntary participants. They focus on the power and control dynamics that drive abusive behaviors and work toward long-term behavior change and accountability. It’s important to note that anger management programs are not a substitute for batterer intervention. Abuse is not about anger; it’s about power and control. While learning healthy ways to manage anger can be helpful, it doesn’t address the core power and control issues at the root of abuse. In some cases, when a formal batterer intervention program isn’t available, an alternative might be individual counseling with a professional who has specific, extensive training and experience working with abusive partners. However, the provider should be well-versed in domestic violence dynamics and focused on holding the abusive person accountable. 2. Individual Counseling and Support for Survivors While couples counseling is not appropriate when abuse is present, individual counseling can be a valuable part of the healing journey for survivors. Individual counseling offers a private, safe space to process the abuse, build coping tools, and explore options for the future. Support groups for survivors, peer support networks, and advocacy services through local domestic violence agencies can also provide helpful resources, encouragement, and a sense of community. When seeking a therapist, survivors should look for someone who is trauma-informed and trained in intimate partner violence. Unfortunately, not all mental health professionals are adequately prepared to support survivors, so it’s important to ask questions and seek a provider who has relevant experience and understanding. 3. Legal and Advocacy Resources Sometimes survivors may also benefit from consulting with attorneys or legal advocates to explore their rights, especially if safety planning, custody, or protection orders are needed. Domestic violence agencies often have legal advocacy staff or partnerships with attorneys who can provide free or low-cost guidance. What If the Abusive Partner Refuses to Change? In another Source for Survivors blog post, I explore the question, “Can abusers change?” Although change is possible in some cases, it is not guaranteed. Even if an abusive partner makes promises to change, survivors must be cautious and stay grounded in the reality of what they observe, not just what they’re told by their abuser. Change requires time, consistency, accountability, and humility. If an abusive partner refuses to seek help or continues harmful behaviors, it’s important to prioritize your own safety and healing. Conclusion As a therapist and a survivor, it makes me cringe when I hear someone suggest couples counseling for a relationship in which abuse is present. I cringe not only because I know how unsafe it can be for the survivor, but also because it sends the wrong message: that the abuse is somehow a shared problem or that the survivor needs to “work on the relationship” alongside their abuser. The truth is, abuse is a choice made by the person causing harm. Survivors are never responsible for the abuse they experience. If you're in a relationship with abusive dynamics (or trying to support someone who is), please consider reaching out for individualized support from trained professionals or advocacy organizations. There are many helpful, safe, and empowering resources available, and the right support can make a world of difference. Couples counseling might not be the safest or most appropriate resource in relationships involving an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other options available to help you along your path toward healing, safety, and peace. By Christine Murray
This blog post is adapted from Chapter 9 of our book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment after Surviving an Abusive Relationship. To learn more about the book and access related resources, please visit The Source for Survivors Financial Abuse Recovery Book Resources webpage. Healing after an abusive relationship is a personal journey that can unfold in many different ways. For many survivors, an important part of the healing journey includes rediscovering or re-imagining their professional and educational goals. Whether it means going back to school, starting a new job, changing careers, or simply reflecting on what kind of work brings meaning and stability, this process can be empowering and healing. If you’re in the early stages of abuse recovery, thinking about big career or education decisions may feel overwhelming. You may be dealing with financial pressures, lingering trauma, self-doubt, or the ongoing impacts of the abuse you experienced (such as being discouraged or blocked from working or studying during the relationship). Remember that it’s never too late to invest in yourself and take intentional steps toward building a future that reflects your goals, values, and dreams. In abusive relationships, it’s common for survivors to feel like their needs, goals, and well-being were consistently devalued. A big part of healing for many survivors involves learning to reclaim your worth, and one powerful way to do this can include making intentional investments in yourself. This might include self-care, counseling, rest, and seeking new opportunities related to work and learning. Everyone’s career and educational paths are different. You may be working in a job you love, seeking something new, feeling unsure of your next steps, or currently not in the workforce at all. Wherever you are right now, keep in mind that the goal is not to follow someone else’s blueprint. It’s important to explore what feels meaningful and supportive for you. That could mean completing a degree, returning to school, launching a business, exploring volunteer work, or finding peace in staying where you are. There’s no one right way to move forward, so take time to consider what steps feel right to you at this point in time. Survivors may face unique challenges in their educational or professional lives, some of which may be the direct result of abuse. Perhaps you were kept from working or studying. Maybe you were constantly criticized or told you weren’t capable. The lingering effects of this kind of mistreatment can impact your confidence and decision-making long after the relationship ends. At the same time, setting and working toward educational or career goals can be a powerful part of healing. Taking steps toward your goals can build confidence, foster a sense of purpose, and contribute to financial independence. You may even discover a deeper sense of identity or reconnect with dreams you’d put on hold. Practical Considerations and Strategies If you're exploring educational or career goals after abuse, here are a few practical strategies and considerations to keep in mind:
Conclusion Whether you’re dreaming of a new career, thinking about returning to school, or just beginning to explore what’s next, remember that you are worthy of growth. You are capable of learning new things, and you can pursue opportunities that align with your goals and your healing journey. Pursuing career or educational goals after an abusive relationship isn’t always easy, but it can be a powerful part of the healing journey. These steps, however small they may feel at first, are part of reclaiming your future and honoring your worth. Whether you're focused on resting and recovering, mapping out big dreams for your future, or somewhere in between, remember that you deserve a future that feels empowering, meaningful, and free. |
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