When Loneliness Feels Like an Unwelcome Companion along Your Healing Journey

By Christine Murray

Have you ever found yourself in a crowded room, yet feeling completely alone? Or perhaps you've had moments where you actually were alone, and the silence around you became deafening?

Being alone (i.e., by yourself) is different from the often challenging and complicated feeling of loneliness. 

Loneliness is a complex emotion characterized by a feeling of disconnection and isolation from others. Loneliness often brings distress and a sense of separation, whether or not anyone else is around. In contrast, we can have peace and enjoy moments of solitude even when we are alone. 

For many survivors on the path of healing from abuse, loneliness can be a recurring and unwelcome companion. If loneliness feels overwhelming and highly distressing for you, reaching out for help is crucial. The 988 crisis helpline and our Other Resources page can help you find resources to search for a trained mental health professional who can offer support during challenging, lonely times.

Loneliness can show up differently for each person. At its lowest points, it can be deeply uncomfortable or distressing, impacting our daily life and well-being. Many survivors know the feeling of loneliness from their experiences of being in an abusive relationship. The abusive dynamics can create an atmosphere of isolation and disconnection from others--which may have even been an intentional abuse tactic used by the abuser to gain and maintain control.

Many possible factors can contribute to experiencing loneliness along the abuse recovery journey. Survivors may lack a supportive network of people who understand their experiences, leading to feelings of disconnection. Also, the lasting effects of abuse, such as lowered self-esteem and self-blame, can exacerbate feelings of isolation.

Significant life changes, like moving to a new location or rebuilding social networks after leaving an abusive relationship, can also contribute to loneliness. The healing process itself, which often involves deep introspection and emotional work, can also intensify feelings of isolation as survivors navigate their inner worlds. It can feel difficult to connect with others when we are deeply working through our own thoughts and emotions.

When facing loneliness, practice healthy coping strategies to process and move through these emotions along your journey, such as the following four approaches:

1. Seek Meaningful Connections: Define the qualities you value in relationships and seek connections that align with your values. Meaningful interactions can provide a sense of support and belonging. Both deep (e.g., with a close, trusted friend) and lighter (e.g., with the barista at your local coffee shop) connections can be valuable for helping to reduce feelings of loneliness and increase feelings of connection with the world around you.
2. Acknowledge and Sit With Loneliness: Recognize and acknowledge your feelings of loneliness without judgment. Know that loneliness can be a normal part of the human experience, whether or not people have experiences of abuse. Allow yourself to experience these emotions fully, understanding that they are a natural part of the healing journey. You may find that feelings of loneliness are prompting you to seek out new sources of social support, as well as to nurture the connections you already have in your life. 
3. Seek Professional Support: If loneliness becomes overwhelming or persistent, consider reaching out to a professional counselor. A therapeutic relationship can offer valuable support and guidance during challenging times. Again, you can visit our Other Resources page as a starting point for connecting with potentially helpful sources of professional support. 
4. Enjoy Your Own Company: Build as positive a positive relationship with yourself as possible. Engage in activities you enjoy and appreciate your unique qualities. Learn more about yourself, your preferences, and your needs. Strive to become your own biggest cheerleader, and remember that you are worthy of meaningful connections with the world around you. By building a positive relationship with yourself, you’ll be in the best position to build healthy, fulfilling connections with others. 

Loneliness is a universal human experience, and navigating loneliness with self-compassion and resilience is an important--although often challenging--part of the healing journey following an abusive relationship. 

Feeling lonely doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. In fact, being open to facing feelings like loneliness is a sign you’re growing and seeking healing. Loneliness can be a clue that you are seeking out healthier, more positive connections in your life, and that you recognize you deserve healthy support from the people around you. Remember, loneliness is just one part of your journey, and by acknowledging it, you're taking proactive steps towards creating a life that aligns with your values and aspirations