Why It Can Be So Hard to Recognize an Abusive Relationship When You’re In It

By Christine Murray

“I feel so foolish that I didn’t leave the relationship sooner.”

“Why did it take me so long to recognize the abuse?”

“Looking back, I see all the signs. I can’t believe I didn’t notice them sooner.”

In my work with survivors of past abuse, I’ve heard many variations on the above statements. In truth, similar thoughts have run through my own mind along my own healing journey as well. If you feel any level of guilt, self-doubt, or confusion about how long it took you to recognize the abuse you faced, know that you’re not alone. 

Abusive relationship dynamics often don’t show up immediately in relationships, and often they begin in minor or subtle ways before growing into more troubling patterns over time. It can take a long time for people to realize that they are involved in an abusive relationship. 

It’s natural to feel down if it took time for you to realize the abusive dynamics of a relationship in your life. Practice self-compassion, and remember that many abusive relationship tactics are covert and may even be intentionally used to trick or deceive you. 

In today’s blog post, I’m sharing some of the many reasons why it can be really difficult to recognize an abusive relationship when you’re in it. By understanding these reasons--along with any other reasons and experiences that were unique to our own circumstances--we can move toward releasing judgment and approach our experiences with more self-empathy and understanding while healing from past abuse.

You’re Invested in the Relationship: If a relationship becomes abusive, you may have a hard time recognizing it because of all of the investments of time, energy, and emotions you’ve made into that relationship. The commitments you’ve made to a relationship can understandably lead you to overlook or minimize the extent of its unsafe, abusive qualities.  

Your Abuser Is/Was a Skilled Manipulator: People who perpetrate abuse in their relationships often are quite skilled (intentionally or unintentionally) at manipulating others. They may try to overshadow their abusive behaviors by showering you with positive attention, gifts, or affection. They may overtly deny that their behaviors are hurtful. And they may deny any responsibility for their actions and tell you it’s all your fault. All in all, it can be difficult to recognize an abusive relationship because the abuser is intentionally, perhaps even systematically, acting in ways to try and hide their harmful ways. 

You May Have Blamed Yourself (Or Believed Your Abuser When They Wrongly Told You It Was Your Fault): People who are on the receiving end of abusers’ tactics may come to internalize the blame their abusers place upon them. They may start to blame themselves for the abuser’s actions based on things they said or did. For example, someone who is on the receiving end of their partner’s abusive behaviors might wonder, “Well, if I was making more time for my partner, maybe they would be more respectful toward me.” Keep in mind, however, that every person is always responsible for their own actions. You are never to blame for another person’s mistreatment of you.    

You Try and See the Best in Others: It’s a positive quality to be the kind of person who aims to see the best in others. Recognizing that all people have flaws, we all need to offer grace and patience toward others at times. That said, the positive quality of seeing the best in others can filter our perceptions if it leads us to overlook or excuse others’ harmful behaviors. You may have overlooked or excused your abuser’s actions because you believed them when they said they would change, or even just because you were trying to see the best in them. 

As you reflect on your own past experiences with an abusive relationship, be gentle with yourself and remember that hindsight is 20/20. It’s easier to see patterns and red flags from the past, and we can’t judge our past selves harshly if we didn’t recognize the extent of abuse we were facing at the time. 

Know that you’re not alone if you simply didn’t recognize the abuse for what it was when it was happening. In fact, this is a very natural and common experience, in light of all of the reasons above and other unique factors that are specific to each relationship. Continue to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on past experiences, and trust that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time.