How Do I Even Like to Spend My Time, Anyway? Getting to Know Yourself Again After an Abusive Relationship

By Christine Murray

It’s a common experience among survivors of abusive relationships to feel like they've lost touch with who they are. I've met many survivors who, upon breaking free from their abusive relationships, felt extremely disconnected from themselves. I can personally relate to this experience. While I was in my past abusive relationship, I felt like I completely lost sight of who I truly was.

Abusive partners are often very controlling, including over their partners’ decisions. This control--added to the lingering effects of emotional and other forms of abuse--can lead to a loss of self-expression and self-awareness. This leaves survivors feeling like they no longer have a clear sense of their preferences and interests.

Reconnecting with oneself is a common part of the healing journey for many survivors. Whether this process begins during the relationship or after it ends, it involves rediscovering our identity and rebuilding a positive relationship with ourselves. However, the process of reconnecting with ourselves can be challenging and may take time.

If you've been feeling disconnected from yourself, it's okay to take things one step at a time. Set aside moments for quiet reflection, even if it's just a few minutes each day or an hour a week. Use this time to explore your thoughts, feelings, likes, and dislikes. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or counselor can also be helpful in this process.

Keep an open mind toward your reactions and preferences. Notice whether the things you like and do are a reflection of your genuine desires or if they were imposed upon you by your abuser. Sometimes, getting to know ourselves again involves unlearning some habits and patterns.

Consider revisiting past interests or activities that once brought you joy, but that you’ve lost touch with. Reconnecting with your past interests can be a helpful way to rediscover aspects of yourself and reclaim your sense of identity and purpose.

Also, embrace opportunities to try new things and explore different experiences. Experiment with trying new activities, foods, hobbies, adventures, and interests. You might discover aspects of yourself that you hadn't explored before, and perhaps you’ll even stumble into some new passions.

During the self-reconnection process, be gentle with yourself. It's normal for difficult emotions or memories to come up as you reconnect with your true self. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that healing is a journey that you can take at your own pace.

Ultimately, getting to know yourself again after an abusive relationship is a journey of self-discovery and growth. Embrace this opportunity to reconnect with your true self, explore new possibilities, and gain a deeper sense of self-awareness and empowerment along your healing pathway.