By Christine Murray
Survivors of past abuse benefit when the members of their communities are well-equipped to offer them support (if and when needed) during and after they’ve lived through an abusive relationship. This includes those closest to them, such as their friends and family members, as well as their extended social networks and the professionals they may encounter when seeking services and support of all kinds. In my years of experience working in the mental health and domestic violence fields, I’ve seen countless people struggle when someone they know reveals to them that they are or were in an abusive relationship and need help related to the abuse. For this reason, I believe everyone would be wise to be prepared to offer support to survivors. You never know when someone you care about or work with may disclose abuse to you, or when you may come to suspect that someone is in an unsafe relationship but is afraid to tell you. Take a moment to consider how prepared you would be if you were in one of these situations. There are a number of steps you can take to prepare to offer support to a survivor in your life. If you’re in a professional field in which survivors may seek your support, it’s helpful to seek formal professional training opportunities to learn effective strategies that are unique to your discipline and the organization where you work. For both professionals and members of the general community, you can seek out credible sources of information to learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships, the impacts of abuse, and trauma recovery processes. See our Other Resources page for some links to get started. Here are five other ways anyone can offer support to survivors who open up about their experiences with them:* First, show survivors that you believe them. Many survivors are used to their abusers trying to discredit or confuse them. It makes a huge difference to know that someone cares about you and believes you. It is very, very rare for people to lie about or make up stories of having been abused. Rather, it’s much more common that people minimize or deny the extent of the harm they have experienced. If a survivor opens up to you about having been abused, honor their experiences by believing them. Second, validate their emotions and the hurt and pain in their experiences. You might say, “That must have been so painful to experience,” or “You have every right to feel angry/hurt/outraged,” or even simply, “It makes total sense you’d feel that way.” Those kinds of validating words can be music to the ears of a survivor as they navigate the intense, complex emotions that often arise after having been abused. Third, be very intentional about avoiding any direct or indirect implications that the survivor was to blame for the abuse they experienced. You might remind the survivor that the abuser was fully responsible for their harmful actions. Also, you could say, “This was not your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way.” Fourth, whenever possible, give space for the survivor to make decisions for themselves, as well as set their own pace for healing and sharing their story with you. It’s always important to support survivors in being empowered to lead the way so that any support you might offer will be in line with what they need (and not just what you think they need). Fifth, offer your support, while being mindful of your boundaries and limitations on the types of help you can offer (either personally or based on guidelines of your professional role). You can reinforce your commitment to offering support by saying, “I’m here for you.” One more bonus tip for getting prepared to offer support to survivors is to become familiar with relevant community resources in your local area and where to find other resources if you’re helping someone who doesn’t live in the same community as you. It’s helpful to know about local and state domestic violence agencies, mental health counselors who are trained to work with survivors, and community resource and referral hotlines. National resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline are helpful to become familiar with as well. You never know if and when someone in your life might experience abuse or disclose that they have a history of having been abused. Whether you’re a professional who might encounter a survivor through your work or if you’re simply a parent, friend, coworker, or neighbor of someone who has faced abuse, you can make a big difference in the life of any survivors who may benefit from your support. Prepare in advance so you’ll be ready to offer your best support if and when a survivor opens up to you about their experiences. * Note: I’ve adapted these five tips from my TEDxGreensboro talk, Every Survivor Has a Story that Matters.
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