When You Just Can’t Find the Right Words: How to Support Survivors When You Feel Unsure How to Help

By Christine Murray

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a friend or coworker is pouring their heart out to you, sharing their struggles, and you desperately want to offer support, but no words you offer seem adequate?

For individuals who are supporting survivors of abusive relationships, this scenario may be all too familiar. Healing from such trauma is a complex and often lengthy process, filled with moments where offering comfort can feel like a confusing maze.

Here are some suggestions to consider when you find yourself grappling with how to offer support to a survivor in your life:

Practice Patience and Presence: Understand that healing is a personal journey, and there may be times when simply being there to listen without judgment is the most valuable support you can offer. Your presence and willingness to listen can provide comfort and reassurance, even if you feel powerless to change the situation and unsure of what to say.

Focus on What Not to Say: In moments of uncertainty, prioritize avoiding statements that could inadvertently cause harm or invalidate the survivor's experiences. Rather than feeling pressured to find the perfect words, opt for neutral, empathetic statements that acknowledge the difficulty of their situation without trying to fix it. Avoid saying things that might sound judgmental or blaming. If you notice you may have said something that was unintentionally hurtful, acknowledge this and ask how you can offer sensitive support in the future.

Take Care of Yourself: Supporting someone through their healing journey can be emotional and complicated, so it's essential to prioritize your own well-being. Practice self-care strategies such as deep breathing or seeking support from others when you feel overwhelmed. Remember, you will be in the best position to offer support to others when you feel healthy and supported yourself.

Be Aware of Signs of Crisis or Distress: If you notice signs that the survivor is experiencing significant distress or mental health issues, don't hesitate to offer resources and support. Encourage them to seek professional help or connect them with hotlines and local support services if needed. Visit our Other Resources page to find potentially helpful resources, including 24/7 crisis resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the 9-8-8 Lifeline. 

Focus on Planting Seeds of Hope: Even if it feels like your words are falling on deaf ears, remember that small gestures of encouragement can have a lasting impact. Your words may not immediately resonate with the survivor, but they can plant seeds of hope that may grow and offer encouragement in their own time.

Supporting a survivor through their healing journey is both challenging and meaningful. While it may feel frustrating at times, remember that your presence and support can make a significant difference in their lives, even if you can't see the immediate results.

Thank you for being a part of the Source for Survivors community. If you have any additional suggestions or strategies for supporting survivors, especially during difficult moments, please share them in the comments below. Your insights and experiences are invaluable to our community.