Creating a Safe, Supportive Space for Survivors When They Open Up to You

By Christine Murray

Embarking on the journey of supporting a survivor of past abuse is both a privilege and a daunting responsibility. As you listen to their courageous and vulnerable stories, you may find yourself grappling with uncertainty, unsure of the best way to provide the support they need.

Every survivor has unique needs, varying at different points in their healing journey. Yet, survivors commonly share key needs when opening up about their experiences—needs such as support, validation, a safe space for expression, and encouragement. Recognizing and addressing these shared needs is crucial for anyone seeking to offer meaningful support.

In this blog post, we explore five actionable strategies to create a safe and supportive space for survivors when they open up to you. From allowing them to share at their own pace to reaffirming ongoing support, these suggestions aim to empower you in offering meaningful assistance during their healing journey.

First, allow the survivor to share their experiences with you at a pace that feels comfortable to them. Practice patience and allow the survivor’s story to unfold to a level and at a pace that they feel comfortable with. There may be parts of their experiences that they aren’t ready to share with you, today or ever. Reassure them that you’re there for them, but also you want them to choose to share whatever they feel safe and comfortable sharing, and it’s okay if there are parts of their experiences they want to keep private.

Second, express open-ended questions and prompts in a non-judgmental tone. Once you’ve established that the survivor is leading the way in sharing their experiences with you, you can invite the survivor to share more (to their level of comfort) by asking open-ended questions and using open-ended prompts, while also maintaining a nonjudgmental tone. Below are a few examples you might consider bringing into your conversation:

• “What happened next?”
• “How did you feel when that happened?”
• “If you’re comfortable sharing more, I’d be interested in hearing more about that.”
• “How do you think that experience is impacting you today?”

Third, be open with your validation of their thoughts and emotions. Many survivors of abuse have faced long-term invalidation by their abusers, who told them their thoughts, feelings, or experiences didn’t matter or weren’t true. One of the most comforting ways you can create a safe space for survivors is by openly, genuinely expressing validation for them.

Examples of validating statements you could make include, “That must have been so awful to go through,” “You have every right to feel that way,” “You have really been hurt by that other person,” and “It was wrong how the other person treated you.” Of course, use whatever wording feels right to you, as well as what you think will resonate with the survivor. These kinds of validating statements can go a long way toward helping the survivor feel seen and supported.

Fourth, resist the urge to offer your advice or interpretations. While listening to a survivor share their experiences with you, you may have some ideas come to mind about advice you’d like to offer them. While there may be a time and place for offering advice, it’s important to stay focused on the survivor’s needs and perceptions. Before offering advice, consider asking a question like, “What do you think you’d like to do next?,” to prompt them to seek their own inner guidance first.

If you do have advice you think is appropriate to offer, consider asking the survivor first if they’d like to hear it (e.g., “I have a suggestion I could offer about that, but is that something you’d like to hear now?”) or frame it in tentative--rather than certain--terms (e.g., “Have you considered trying…” instead of “What you should do now is…”).

Finally, reaffirm your (and/or others’) ongoing support for their healing journey. Unless you are in a situation where you are certain you’ll only have one opportunity to connect with this survivor--such as if you are a one-time crisis responder or are a healthcare provider who only has one visit with the survivor--let them know that you’re there for them to provide future support if that would be helpful to them. If there are limits to the support you can provide, explain those limitations in an open, transparent manner, but also provide other potential sources of support that are available to them (e.g., “In our agency, counselors are only able to meet with clients up to three times, but here are some other resources in our community where you could turn for more long-term services or support.”).

If you are in a position in which you can provide more ongoing support, below are a few phrases you could use to affirm your continued support for them:

• “I’m here for you.”
• “I hope to be able to be a source of support for you on your healing journey.”
• “How would you like me to support you in the coming days/weeks/months”?
  
  
• “Please let me know if and how I can support you. One example I’d like to offer is ______________, but please let me know if you can think of any other specific ways I may be able to help you at this time.” (Note that providing an example can help the survivor see that you’re serious about offering support, but a statement like this also leaves the door open for the survivor to share their ideas as well.)

Offering support to someone who is going through a difficult experience--in this case, healing from past abuse--is no easy task. This blog post explored five practical strategies that can be useful for supporters of all kinds, including professionals and loved ones. 

Do you have other suggestions for how supporters can offer a safe space for survivors when they open up to them? If so, please share those suggestions in the comments so other readers can see them as well!