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By Christine Murray
Last month, I crossed the finish line at the Pittsburgh Marathon—my seventh, and likely final, full marathon. I say “likely” because, as the years go by, the physical toll and schedule demands of training have become harder to manage. I still hope to take on a few more half-marathons and other shorter races, but completing this marathon felt like a meaningful milestone to me. As I trained for Pittsburgh, I found myself often thinking about how the process of training for a marathon is a lot like the journey of healing from an abusive relationship. While the race itself is an exciting event, it’s the months of training that truly shape the marathon experience. Just like the journey of healing from abuse, it’s the day-to-day progress that makes the biggest difference. So, let’s consider how healing from abuse is, in many ways, like training for a marathon. It Takes Time, Commitment, and Intention There aren’t really any shortcuts to marathon training—and the healing process is similar. Both require an ongoing, intentional investment of time and energy. You can’t expect to complete a marathon without preparing, even if you’re like me and moving at a very slow pace! Similarly, healing from an abusive relationship requires patience, self-awareness, and steady effort over time. Two of the six commitments in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework are relevant here: being intentional and taking a long-range view. Whether you’re building physical endurance or reclaiming your emotional well-being, the process isn’t quick. But with each intentional step, you move closer to strength and healing. You Often Need Support, Even When It’s Hard to Ask Marathon training often requires the support of others. That might mean carving out time in your family’s schedule, asking loved ones for flexibility, or seeking advice from a coach or experienced runner. In healing from abuse, the need for support is just as real—and often even more challenging to navigate. When you’ve experienced abuse, especially in a close relationship, your trust may be shaken. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable or scary. But support can come in different forms. It might look like attending therapy, joining a support group, reading a helpful book, or simply texting a friend when you’re struggling. Healing is hard enough—no one should have to go it alone. You Need to Be Mindful of What You’re Taking In Marathon training requires careful attention to hydration and nutrition—not just during the race, but throughout the training process. What you put into your body affects how you feel when you’re moving. The process of abuse recovery is similar. But instead of gels and water bottles, the “fuel” of healing might be uplifting music that boosts your mood, affirming trauma-informed resources, relationships that bring support instead of stress, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. Take inventory of what you’re consuming—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Are you fueling your healing or depleting yourself with negativity, doubt, or guilt? Adjust your intake as needed to support your progress. Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey When I tell people I train for marathons, I often get mixed reactions: some positive, others confused, and sometimes even critical. “Why would you want to do that?,” people ask. And the truth is, not everyone will understand. The same holds true in healing. You may make choices others don’t get, like stepping away from dating, cutting off a toxic mutual friend, or seeking therapy. Some people may question your decisions or expect you to “move on” more quickly. But healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about making choices that honor your own needs and values. And remember: You don’t need validation from others to do what’s best for you, whether it comes to training for a marathon or healing from an abusive relationship. You Get to Go at Your Own Pace One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through marathon training is that pace doesn’t determine the magnitude of the accomplishment. Whether someone finishes in lightning speed or (like me) is simply aiming to be done before the race course closes, they’re still a marathon finisher. The same is true in healing. Your pace is your own. Sometimes, progress comes quickly; other times, it’s slow and unsteady. Some days are full of breakthroughs, and others feel like you're just barely getting through. My marathon times have changed over the years. My fastest - over a decade ago now - was about four hours, but these days, I often walk more than I run. And that’s okay. There’s no one “right” pace. The key is to keep moving forward in a way that feels meaningful to you. Final Thoughts Training for what is likely my final marathon gave me time to reflect on my running journey, as well as the parallels between physical endurance events and emotional healing. Neither path is easy. Both can involve pain, frustration, and setbacks, but they also are opportunities for strength, growth, and transformation. You may not get a finisher’s medal at the end of your healing journey. You may not have a cheering crowd. But your journey is no less real, and your strength is no less powerful. So whether you’re in the earliest steps of healing, somewhere in the messy middle, or miles past the hardest parts: Keep going. Celebrate the small wins. And trust that, just like training for a marathon, every step you take is an important part of the process.
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By Christine Murray
Recently, I had the honor of speaking at the 13th Annual Celebration of Survivors Luncheon, hosted by Marva Edwards and Marva’s Outreach Mission. In today’s blog post, I wanted to share some highlights from my remarks at that event with those of you who couldn’t be there in person. The event reminded me of something that is at the heart of the mission of The Source for Survivors: That healing from abuse can be a long, winding journey, and often, it’s the small, quiet wins along the way that carry the most meaning. We Don’t Have to Wait for Huge Milestones to Be Celebrated Healing from an abusive relationship doesn’t often happen in one single moment in time. There is value in celebrating big “wins” along our healing journeys, but it’s important to value and honor the small, often unnoticed moments that demonstrate our progress as well. The luncheon’s theme of “Celebration of Survivors” resonated with me because I believe it is so important for there to be spaces where the strength, resilience, and triumphs of survivors are recognized. At the luncheon, I spoke about what it means to celebrate “small wins.” A small win could be:
Small wins may not be the dramatic milestones the world often likes to spotlight, but they are the everyday acts of reclaiming oneself along the healing journey. Small wins can show you that your healing is happening—even if no one else sees it. Celebrating Survivors’ Seemingly “Small” Everyday Wins Events like the Celebration of Survivors Luncheon are powerful because they remind us how important it is to be surrounded by people who honor the strength it takes to heal from abuse. As much as special events like the luncheon are important, however, I invite you to think of ways that you can build celebration into your everyday life. Whether on your own or in the company of your inner circle, seek out opportunities to recognize moments along your journey that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small at the time. Try not to overlook the importance of these seemingly small wins, and remember that every step you take forward - whether it’s a giant leap or a tiny baby step - offers a valuable opportunity for healing. Whether your win today is getting out of bed, sending a text to a friend, writing for a few minutes in your journal, or just taking some time for self-reflection, remember that small wins can add up to major impacts over time. You deserve to be celebrated, both for the big victories along your journey, along with the quiet acts of courage and strength you show each and every day. So today, and every day, may you give yourself permission to honor the small wins that are shaping your journey and helping you to grow and heal. By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
A Refresher on Our Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model: 6 Commitments for the Healing Journey4/29/2025 By Christine Murray
The Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model is the foundation of everything we do at Source for Survivors, providing a guiding framework for both survivors and those who support them. For those new to our community—or as a helpful refresher—this post offers a brief introduction to the Pathways for Supporting Survivors Model, which outlines six key commitments that can empower survivors on their healing journey. Healing from abuse is not a one-size-fits-all process, and these six commitments are not intended to be rigid, sequential steps but rather ongoing and evolving aspects of the healing journey. Survivors and supporters may engage with them at different times and in different ways, depending on their unique experiences and needs. The Pathway for Survivors: 6 Commitments for Healing
Each of these commitments can play a key role in a survivor’s healing process. If you’d like a deeper dive into how these commitments apply to survivors, you can explore our detailed introductory post here: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/survivorsblog/introduction-to-the-pathway-for-survivors-6-commitments-for-triumphing-over-abuse. Additionally, for those looking to support survivors, the Pathway for Supporters provides parallel commitments designed to foster safe and empowering support along survivors’ journeys—learn more here: https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/communityblog/introduction-to-the-pathway-for-community-supports-6-commitments-for-being-survivor-centered. Wherever you are on your journey, remember: You deserve support, healing is possible, and you are not alone. Stay connected with us for more insights, encouragement, and resources along the way. By Christine Murray
If you spend much time on social media, you've likely come across the term "toxic positivity." While this isn’t a highly technical scientific psychological term, it can be a useful phrase to describe the experience of minimizing deep, painful emotions and covering them up with oversimplified, seemingly encouraging statements. For those who are people of faith, a related concept is "spiritual bypassing," which occurs when religious or spiritual teachings or statements are used to justify skipping over deeper emotional processing in favor of an overly positive, seemingly-spiritual outlook. In this blog post, we’ll explore what toxic positivity is, how it differs from genuine encouragement, and strategies survivors of abusive relationships can use when facing toxic positivity from others—or even from themselves. What Does Toxic Positivity Look Like? Toxic positivity can come from both external sources (such as friends, family, or community members) and from within our own inner dialogue. External Toxic Positivity When coming from others, toxic positivity often sounds like well-meaning but dismissive statements, such as:
When framed as spiritual bypassing, these statements might take forms like:
Internal Toxic Positivity Survivors may also find themselves using toxic positivity in their own self-talk. Some examples include:
Finding the Balance Between Positivity and Avoidance It’s important to note that encouragement and positivity do have a valuable place in the healing journey. Supportive friends, professional guidance, and self-affirming thoughts can all be beneficial. For example, many survivors (myself included!) find strength in uplifting music, inspirational quotes, or spiritual texts. However, the key is to avoid using positivity as a way to bypass or minimize genuine pain and healing work. Toxic positivity can be particularly harmful when it carries shame or guilt, making survivors feel like they “should” be healed by now or that their pain isn’t valid. Healing is a complex process that requires time, self-compassion, and space to fully process emotions. Strategies for Navigating Toxic Positivity If you recognize toxic positivity—whether from others or within yourself—here are a few ways to navigate it in a healthy way: 1. Increase Your Awareness: Simply understanding the concept of toxic positivity can be empowering. Not all positivity is harmful, but if a statement feels dismissive or minimizing, trust your gut. Being mindful of how certain words affect you can help you set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. 2. Consider Whether to Address Toxic Positivity Coming from Others: When faced with toxic positivity from others, consider whether and how to respond. Ask yourself:
For casual acquaintances, it may not be worth addressing, especially if you won’t be interacting with the other person much in the future. But if a close friend, family member, therapist, or clergy member frequently dismisses your pain, a conversation may be necessary to communicate your needs and boundaries. 3. Reframe Your Self-Talk: If you catch yourself using toxic positivity in your own thoughts, take a step back. Instead of saying, "I should be over this by now," try shifting to a more self-compassionate perspective: "Healing takes time, and I’m allowed to feel what I feel." Check out this past Source for Survivors blog post for more information about overcoming negative self-talk patterns. 4. Examine Whether Positivity is Being Used as Avoidance: Ask yourself: Is this positivity helping me move forward, or is it preventing me from fully acknowledging my emotions? If you notice that surface-level positivity is being used to avoid deeper work, consider engaging in healing practices like journaling, professional counseling, or support groups that will allow you the space needed to process your emotions more fully. Conclusion Toxic positivity can show up in subtle ways, but by increasing your awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-compassion, survivors can navigate their healing journeys with authenticity and depth. Encouragement and positivity have their place, but they should never come at the cost of invalidating real pain and growth. Healing isn’t about pretending everything is okay—it’s about honoring our experiences, processing our emotions in a meaningful way, and finding strength in the balance between hope and honesty. As always, seeking professional support, joining a community of survivors, and prioritizing self-care can be invaluable steps in this journey. You deserve healing that acknowledges your full experience—not just the parts that seem easy to talk about. By Christine Murray
Life as a survivor of abuse can feel overwhelming, chaotic, and confusing at times. The layers of complications stemming from the abuse—such as emotional, financial, legal, or relational—can touch nearly every aspect of life, making the healing journey feel daunting. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed at various points along the healing journey. You may be navigating multiple challenges, from mental health struggles and parenting concerns to financial instability, career challenges, and re-establishing boundaries with friends or family members. Whether you’re newly beginning your healing journey or well into the process, the sheer complexity of recovery can make it difficult to know where to start. In this blog post, I want to suggest the concept of simplicity as a guiding principle that might be helpful along the healing journey. Focusing on simplicity can help counteract the chaos and confusion that abuse often leaves in its wake, providing a sense of clarity and direction as you move toward healing and recovery in different areas of your life. The Challenge of Embracing Simplicity For many survivors, simplicity may not come naturally. Abusers often thrive on creating confusion and drama, such as by using manipulation to gain and maintain control. This dynamic can persist even after the relationship ends, especially in cases of post-separation abuse. As a result, chaos and complexity may start to feel like a normal, even expected, part of life. If you can relate to this, shifting toward simplicity might feel foreign or even uncomfortable. The unpredictability of an abusive relationship may have led you to brace for complications at every turn. However, recognizing this pattern is a powerful first step toward reclaiming peace and control in your life. A Personal Reflection on Simplicity In my own life, the confusion and manipulation I experienced both during and after my abusive relationship left me feeling like complexity and tension were the norm. Even though I recognized the challenges I was facing as stressful, I didn’t immediately realize how much the complexity had infiltrated my thinking and daily life. It took an intentional effort to pause, reflect, and actively choose a different path—one that prioritized simplicity and peace. I won’t claim that this process was easy or fast, and I recognize that simplicity may not be the right guiding principle for every survivor. However, I encourage you to reflect on whether chaos and complexity have become unwelcome but steady companions in your life. If so, consider whether embracing simplicity could help create a sense of steadiness and empowerment in your healing journey. What Does Simplicity Look Like? At its core, simplicity is about reducing unnecessary complications and focusing on what truly matters. It doesn’t mean eliminating all challenges in life—some complexities are unavoidable—but rather aiming to find ways to build a life that is as manageable and peaceful as possible. Here are a few ways to consider applying simplicity as a guiding principle in the healing journey as a survivor: 1. Clarify Your Priorities: Instead of trying to change every aspect of your life at once, identify one or two key areas to focus on. Healing is a long-term process, and progress doesn’t happen all at once. You might have concerns spanning mental health, career, parenting, friendships, and finances—but trying to address all of these areas at once can lead to exhaustion. Prioritizing just one or two areas at a time can help make progress feel more achievable. 2. Streamline Decision-Making: Decision fatigue is real, especially for survivors navigating complex situations. Simplify where you can—whether it’s limiting your choices in daily routines, setting firm but clear boundaries, or breaking big decisions into smaller, more manageable steps. 3. Reduce Mental Clutter: If you find yourself caught in overthinking patterns, try grounding techniques, journaling, or working with a professional counselor to help calm your inner dialogue. Practicing mindfulness or setting designated “worry times” can also help contain anxious thoughts, making space for more peace. 4. Simplify Financial Recovery: Financial abuse is common in abusive relationships, and rebuilding financial stability in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming. In our recent book Financial Abuse Recovery, we discuss how simplicity can be a powerful tool in this process. For example, rather than feeling pressured to master complex financial strategies, start with the basics: opening a single checking account, creating a basic budget, and setting small, attainable savings goals. 5. Embrace Small, Sustainable Steps: Healing is not about giant leaps; often, the most meaningful progress comes from small, consistent efforts. Choosing simplicity means letting go of unrealistic expectations and recognizing that even small steps forward are valuable. The Power of Letting Go While simplicity is a helpful guiding principle, it’s also important to be kind to yourself along the way. Healing from abuse is inherently complex, and striving for a completely uncomplicated life isn’t likely to be realistic. Instead, think of simplicity as a spectrum—one you’re gradually moving toward, not a perfect state you must immediately achieve. Give yourself grace and patience as you work through this process. If simplifying certain aspects of your life brings more ease and clarity, embrace it. But if some areas remain complicated despite your best efforts, remember that healing is not about perfection—it’s about progress. If simplicity resonates with you, consider ways to incorporate it into your healing journey. Take time to reflect on areas where you can reduce complexity, establish priorities, and cultivate peace. Every survivor’s path is unique, so tailor this approach in a way that feels most supportive to you. Above all, remember that healing is possible, and by choosing to focus on what truly matters, you can build a life that feels more peaceful, intentional, and empowering. By Christine Murray
For survivors of abusive relationships, unfairness can feel like a harsh reality and a deeply personal experience. The injustice of abuse itself is undeniable—offering love, kindness, and support in a relationship only to be met with pain and harm is profoundly unfair. But beyond that, survivors often encounter additional layers of unfairness, both during the abusive relationship and throughout the healing journey. As someone who has navigated my own healing journey and worked closely with many survivors, I have seen how this sense of unfairness can be overwhelming. It’s not just about what happened in the past—it’s about the lingering consequences that often don’t seem to impact the abuser in the same way. Recognizing and processing these feelings is an important part of healing for many survivors. In this post, we’ll explore some of the common injustices survivors face and strategies for managing the emotions that arise from them. Recognizing the Many Forms of Unfairness There are countless ways that unfairness manifests in the context of current or former abusive relationships. Here are some of the most common:
Processing and Managing the Emotions That Come with Unfairness Acknowledging any injustices you have faced is an important step in the healing process. Ignoring or suppressing these experiences and associated feelings can create barriers to healing. Below are some potentially helpful strategies to process and move forward: 1. Validate Your Feelings and Experiences It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened was not fair. You don’t have to downplay your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. Permit yourself to say, “This was unjust, and I deserved better.” Having supportive people who affirm your experiences—whether trusted friends, family members, or a counselor—can be incredibly healing. Affirmations can also help reinforce self-validation:
2. Allow Yourself to Fully Process Your Emotions Unfairness can stir up intense emotions—anger, sadness, disbelief, and even rage. These feelings are valid, and working through them is essential. Find safe ways to process your emotions, such as:
If you’d like to explore more about navigating the emotional roller coaster of healing, check out our past blog post on this topic. 3. Channel the Unfairness into Positive Action While you may not be able to change what happened to you, you might consider channeling your frustrations about the unfairness into positive action. Many survivors find empowerment by:
That said, always ensure that giving back doesn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. If advocacy or helping others becomes overwhelming or triggering, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your healing. 4. Seek Lessons and Empowering Decisions While no one should have to “learn” from an unjust experience, seeking lessons can sometimes be a way to regain a sense of control. For example:
Seeking lessons isn’t about minimizing the pain of what happened—it’s about reclaiming your power and creating a future that feels safer and more aligned with your needs. Moving Forward with Strength and Self-Compassion Survivors of abuse often carry heavy burdens of injustice. While we can’t always change what happened, we can choose how we process and respond to it. Healing is about finding ways to acknowledge what was unfair, give ourselves grace in the process, and take steps toward a life that feels more stable, empowered, and fulfilling. Remember, you are not alone. There is strength in facing these emotions and wisdom in seeking paths forward that honor your healing. You deserve fairness, justice, and peace, even if the journey toward them feels long. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from yourself and from those who truly support you. If you need support, consider reaching out to a counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones. Healing is possible, and you deserve to move forward in a way that brings you peace. By Christine Murray
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s likely you are no stranger to the experience of having your personal boundaries violated. Because abusers are so focused on gaining power and control over their partners, they typically have little regard for honoring and respecting their victims’ boundaries. For this reason, many survivors find that a key challenge in healing from an abusive relationship is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different areas of their lives. This may include navigating interactions with a former abuser, especially in cases of shared custody. However, the need to set and maintain healthy boundaries can show up in other relationships during the healing process as well. This might include with friends and family members, in the workplace, and in new romantic relationships if and when you’re ready to start dating again. If you’re interested in a quick overview of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, I invite you to check out this YouTube video developed through the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I coordinate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A_4GCAozVk. It’s just a couple of minutes long, but it’s proven to be a popular resource for learning some simple tips about healthy boundaries in relationships. Setting healthy boundaries is an important step toward fostering healthy relationships in our lives, but it’s not always easy. Effective verbal and nonverbal communication strategies are important for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Once we begin to become clearer about how we want our boundaries to look and feel in our relationships, we need to intentionally communicate those wishes to others. This is especially true if we have been allowing unhealthy boundaries and other dynamics to exist without addressing any concerns previously. For many people, communicating directly about relationship boundaries can be quite uncomfortable. It may feel demanding or uncomfortable to be speaking so directly about our own needs in relationships. Therefore, it is important to reflect on communication strategies that feel as comfortable as possible to you and that reflect your preferred language and communication style. This includes both verbal (i.e., speaking directly with the other person using words) and nonverbal (i.e., your body language, as well as unspoken actions like not answering the phone if someone calls you later than you’ve asked them to stop calling) communication strategies. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries to others, it’s important to stay alert and be proactive about addressing any potential boundary violations that may occur. When another person violates your boundaries, this can give rise to a lot of powerful emotions and thoughts. It is important to take time to process these responses so that you can take care of yourself while also figuring out the healthiest possible way to respond and move forward. Below, you will find a series of questions that you can use to process your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in the aftermath of a boundary violation. For now, think of one recent example of a boundary violation you faced, and answer the questions. You can return to the same set of questions to help process any future boundary violations you may face as well.
Overall, clear, healthy boundaries are so critical for the overall health of our relationships. Most likely, if you have faced an abusive relationship, you know the pain and drama that can arise when another person violates your boundaries, as well as how difficult it can be to set and maintain a healthy boundary with a difficult person. It can take time to learn effective strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different relationships in our lives. Remember, you are worthy of safe, healthy relationships. With time, you can continue developing the skills and tools needed to nurture them on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
Counseling can offer many potential benefits for survivors of abusive relationships. For example, counseling can help survivors process their memories and experiences, learn coping skills, gain a sense of understanding and validation, and work through related challenges and impacts of the abusive relationship on many areas of their lives. Unfortunately, however, many survivors find it difficult to find a counselor who has the right training, experience, and understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships. I’ve worked in the counseling field for over two decades now, and I believe that the mental health professions in general have come a long way over the past couple of decades in terms of growing in recognition of the impact of traumatic experiences. At the same time, I still think that few too many mental health professionals receive in-depth training in the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. Training on this topic is not often covered in depth in graduate school training programs, so many mental health professionals need to seek out this information and training as part of their continuing education throughout their careers, assuming they or their employers recognize the need for this training. There is a general shortage of mental health professionals in general in many communities across the U.S. and the world. In addition, there is often an especially limited number of specialized mental health professionals in communities who have the unique combination of training, experience, and deep understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships to equip them to work with survivors. Because counseling can be such a valuable source of support for many survivors, it’s important for survivors to be equipped with the information and tools to help them connect with mental health services when needed. Here in this post for The Source for Survivors, I hope to offer some encouragement and practical steps that survivors can take if they want to explore counseling as a potential source of support along their healing journey. First, remember that counseling isn’t the only possible source of healing, and it may not make sense for all survivors and at all points in your healing journey. I always think of counseling as one of many possible tools, strategies, and resources that can be valuable for survivors. I do believe counseling can be extremely valuable, and I’ve seen this through my work as a counselor and counseling professor, as well as in my own life and through my own experiences as a counseling client at different points in my healing journey. If you’re considering seeking out counseling, take time to reflect on whether this would be helpful to you now, what your hopes and goals would be for counseling, and what qualities you’d like to find in a prospective counselor. Second, be intentional about seeking out a qualified counselor who possesses the qualities that you’re looking for. I think it can be wise to “cast a wide net” in your search for the right counselor for you, right now. For example, seek personal recommendations from people (who you can trust) in your network. You might consider contacting the local or state-level agencies (e.g., a domestic violence victim service agency or statewide domestic violence coalition) in your area that serve victims of domestic violence and other forms of abusive relationships and asking them for a recommendation of which counselors they trust and refer their client to. You can also consider searching mental health professional databases, such as Psychology Today, and using the filters to hone in on the qualities and areas of expertise that you’re looking for. Third, empower yourself to ask questions and seek out information to help you decide if a particular counselor is the right fit for you. Previously, I wrote a blog post for our See the Triumph campaign that included questions that survivors can ask prospective counselors to learn about their experience and approach to working with clients who have had experiences in an abusive relationship. I invite you to check out that post to see the checklist we shared through See the Triumph, as this was always a popular post on the See the Triumph blog. It can take some time to find the right counselor for you, so know that you may need to consult with a few different professionals before you find the one that feels like the right fit. Fourth, seek out additional resources and information to help reduce barriers to accessing counseling and other mental health resources and supports. Financial barriers can be a huge issue for many survivors. If you lack insurance coverage and can’t access counseling for that reason, consider reaching out to domestic violence advocacy agencies and see if they have any low-cost mental health resources, or perhaps they are aware of funding sources to help survivors without insurance gain access to counseling. If you happen to live near a college or university that has mental health professional training programs (e.g., psychology, counseling, or marriage and family therapy), contact these departments to see if they offer a low-cost clinic for local community members. Another possible source of counseling could be through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through your employer. Finally, know that there are free, 24/7 resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Mental Health Lifeline. Although these crisis lines may not be able to offer long-term counseling, they can provide immediate support if you become overwhelmed and need some extra support, and they also may have referral resources to help you connect with additional sources of support. As a long-time counselor, I am a big fan of the potential growth and healing that can happen through counseling. At the same time, I know that finding the right counseling can be tricky. If you’re seeking counseling now or at some point in the future along your healing journey, be intentional in seeking out the right support - and remember that you are worthy of surrounding yourself with helpful supporters as you heal and grow. |
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