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By Christine Murray
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), and throughout this month, you may notice survivors sharing their experiences in news stories and community events. This increased visibility can raise important awareness about abusive relationships, but if you are a survivor, you may find yourself wondering if sharing your story or otherwise getting involved in awareness activities is something you need to do as part of your healing journey. At The Source for Survivors, we recognize “Giving Back” as the 6th Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework. However, it’s important to note that giving back, especially by publicly sharing your story, always should be optional for survivors. Here’s why: The Importance of Choice While it’s incredibly valuable when people support survivors and raise awareness about domestic violence, it’s equally important that survivors feel empowered to make their own choices about whether and how they engage with these efforts. For many of us working in this field, including myself, DVAM holds special significance because of the increased attention it brings to this topic that’s so important to me. It’s often a busy time for those of us working in this field, as many community events and initiatives take place to promote awareness. But with that said, I firmly believe that the burden of raising awareness should never fall on survivors unless they want to be part of these efforts. Personally, I spent many years working in the domestic violence field before I ever publicly disclosed my identity as a survivor. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to share this for a long time—and more importantly, for a long time, I didn’t yet feel safe to be public about my experiences for a variety of reasons. The Pressures and Complex Emotions of Sharing Before I shared my experiences publicly, I remember times when I would sit in meetings or work on awareness events and feel a mixture of guilt and pressure. I knew I had every right to keep my story private, but I couldn’t help but admire those who shared their stories so bravely and openly. I often wondered what it meant that I hadn’t done the same. Looking back now, I feel compassion for myself and other survivors facing similar questions. I wanted to share my identity as a survivor, but I wasn’t ready. And I wish I had known then what I know now: That not being ready, or even had I never taken the steps to share my story publicly, did not invalidate my experiences as a survivor. The reality is that our stories and identities as survivors remain valid whether we share them or not. The Role of Safety in Sharing For survivors considering whether to share their stories or publicly identify as a survivor, one of the most important factors to consider is safety. Domestic violence often involves complex and ongoing threats to survivors’ physical and emotional well-being. For some survivors, sharing their stories publicly can increase these risks, whether from stalking, harassment, or other forms of retaliation. In addition to physical safety, emotional safety is just as important. For many survivors, sharing our stories too soon or at all can be triggering, even if we’ve made significant progress in our healing journeys. It’s also worth considering the emotional toll of hearing others' traumatic stories, which can happen when people reach out after hearing yours. Family and Emotional Considerations Other factors, such as family dynamics, may also affect a survivor’s decision to share. For example, if you have children, you might not feel comfortable discussing your identity as a survivor, especially if the abuser was the other parent. The potential emotional burden of sharing also can be significant, and survivors may not want to subject themselves to the judgment or stigma that sometimes still exists, even from those closest to them. It's important to understand that deciding not to share your story doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Your healing is yours alone to navigate, and no one should pressure you to make your story public or get involved in other “giving back” efforts unless you’re certain this is right for you. The Potential Rewards of Sharing Of course, for some survivors, sharing their stories and supporting survivors in other ways can be a deeply meaningful way to give back and make sense of their experiences. Publicly visible examples of survivors can help others, raise awareness, and contribute to changing harmful societal beliefs about abusive relationships. Hearing from someone who has lived through abuse can be more powerful than hearing statistics or expert commentary. Survivors who are ready and feel safe to share their stories can make an enormous impact, helping to spark important conversations that may one day lead to the prevention of violence and abuse. Giving Back in Other Ways If you’re a survivor who feels called to give back but doesn’t want to do so in a public forum, there are many other ways to contribute. Consider volunteering your time at a local domestic violence awareness event or making a donation to a domestic violence agency in your area. Even sharing a social media post that raises awareness about local resources or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can have a huge impact. It’s important to note that giving back, in any form, is always your choice. And it’s okay if you never engage in any formal giving-back efforts related to domestic violence. Your passions and the ways you make a difference in the world may take many forms—whether through environmental advocacy, supporting animal rights, addressing local community needs, or simply being a kind and supportive presence for your loved ones. Your Healing Journey, Your Choice As this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I invite you to reflect on whether and how giving back might be part of your healing journey. Whether that includes sharing your story, supporting local causes, or focusing entirely on your own healing and well-being, remember that your journey is yours alone. You have the power to decide what feels right for you now and in the future. Whatever you choose, know that your experiences are valid, and you deserve to release yourself from any pressure to give back in ways that don’t feel right for you.
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Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser10/22/2024 By Christine Murray
Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to see or interact with your abuser again? For some survivors, this is possible, and going no-contact is often recommended in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. However, for many survivors, going completely no-contact is simply not possible. For example, survivors may share custody of children with their abuser. Or, they may live in a small community where avoiding someone can be difficult, if not impossible. It’s also possible that survivors may face interactions with their abusers, such as if they share mutual friends or have some interactions due to work responsibilities. And, even when survivors do all they can to avoid interacting with their abusers, many abusers are quite persistent in trying to stay in communication and may reach out via phone, text, email, and other means. (Of course, if you are facing ongoing safety risks due to stalking, harassment, and other ongoing forms of abuse, consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and assistance with developing a safety plan.) If you are in a position where you are likely to face in-person or other interactions with your abuser, this can be a very frustrating and distressing position to be in. It may not be possible to avoid all the distress that can come with interacting with your abuser. However, it is possible to take steps to prepare yourself for this interaction to help buffer yourself and promote your emotional well-being, even amid this potentially distressing situation. You can help yourself set and maintain boundaries to prepare in advance when you are heading into an interaction with your abuser. Of course, sometimes encounters with the other person will take you by surprise, so you may not always be able to prepare in advance for interactions with your abuser. However, there are likely many times you’ll be dealing with them that you know that interaction is coming. Practice the following advanced preparation strategies to determine which ones work well for you. Mental preparations are important when anticipating an encounter with your former abuser. Consider starting by setting an intention or reciting a positive affirmation to establish a constructive mindset before the interaction. It can also be helpful to rehearse any key points you want to communicate, thinking through how to express them respectfully and clearly. This mental rehearsal can include preparing for how you might respond if the other person treats you with disrespect or reverts to abusive words or actions. By mentally equipping yourself with these strategies, you can enter the interaction with greater confidence and clarity. Physical preparations are also important, as your body’s response to stress can significantly impact how you handle the situation. Taking deep, calming breaths can help center you, reducing anxiety and grounding you in the moment. Engaging in a quick burst of physical exercise, such as a brisk walk or a few jumping jacks, can also help to release nervous energy and calm your mind and body. These physical preparations not only help you manage immediate stress but also empower you to approach the interaction with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor. Emotional preparations include giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise before, during, and after the interaction. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and to focus on regulating them as best as you can. By practicing emotional regulation, you increase your ability to maintain composure, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively to any harmful words or actions that your abuser uses. This self-awareness and emotional preparation can help you navigate the interaction with greater resilience and self-compassion. Lastly, social preparations can provide an additional layer of support. If possible, consider involving a trusted person, such as a friend or family member, who can accompany you during the interaction. Their presence can offer reassurance and provide a buffer against the toxicity of any negative interactions. Alternatively, you might arrange to have a support person “on call,” ready to talk to you afterward if you need to process your emotions or seek comfort. This social support can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated and more grounded during and after the encounter. Once you’ve reviewed the above ideas to prepare in advance for encounters with your abuser, brainstorm other ideas that could work well for you. Also, if you do face distress during or after the interaction, consider ways that you can process your reactions and emotions in a healthy, self-supportive manner. This is also a topic that I’ll plan to cover in an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post, so stay tuned for more information on that. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to review the information I shared in my previous post on the topic of Emotional Regulation. By Christine Murray
Progress can be painful. Along the journey of healing from an abusive relationship, as we strive forward toward brighter days ahead, sometimes we may find that even positive steps forward can feel uncomfortable and, at times, downright awful. Moving through past hurts and building new positive habits, goals, and behaviors can be very challenging, even when we know we are moving forward into a positive new chapter of our lives. This discomfort can come up for many reasons:
In some ways, it can feel unfair that so many painful feelings and emotions can come along with making positive changes, especially when we are being intentional about healing the trauma and hurts involved in past abuse. Shouldn’t life just reward us by making the healing process easy, especially after all we’ve been through? It’s natural to indulge questions like this at times, although spending a lot of time on them might not help us too much when it comes to navigating the realities of the healing journey. Whether fair or not, going through discomfort and painful feelings is a natural part of the healing process for many survivors, and it may even be a sign of our growth and progress. I’ll share a recent example from my own life to help illustrate how progress can sometimes bring painful feelings along for the ride. Several months back, I had to set a boundary and (at least temporarily) cut off contact with someone who had been a close friend of mine for a long time. I knew this friend was going through some personal challenges, but they were acting toward me in ways that were hurtful, stress-inducing, and not respectful of some boundaries I had asked them to honor. Over time, I realized their actions were taking a toll on me, so I let them know I would not be able to be in communication with them at that time. As I write this blog post, I’ve still kept the distance intact. On the one hand, I was so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic behaviors and setting a boundary. I know there have been times in my past when I would have allowed the negativity to continue, even if it was affecting me in unhealthy ways. It felt good to recognize the progress I’d made and know I took a big step toward prioritizing my peace. At the same time, setting this boundary with my friend was painful. I was sad to cut ties with someone that had meant a lot to me. Whether the cut ties will end up being temporary or permanent, I faced a lot of sadness and doubts as to whether I made the right decision. I knew I’d made a decision that reflected my growth and progress, but even knowing that didn’t make the decision less painful. Along our journeys toward healing and personal growth, we may face many situations that involve growing pains and seasons of discomfort. Feeling better often comes on the other side of painful emotions like this. We may even question if we’re making the right decisions or taking the right steps when we feel these kinds of growing pains. Here are a few practices that may help you navigate times when you find yourself grappling with painful byproducts of growth along your healing journey:
Remember, healing isn’t about avoiding discomfort but about acknowledging it as a sign of your incredible growth and resilience. Trust the process, and give yourself the grace you deserve as you continue to move forward. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can impact your mental and emotional health, leaving many survivors feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. The emotional roller coaster of the healing journey often spills over into other areas of our lives as survivors. Despite these challenges, there is hope. You can navigate these difficult experiences positively by taking good care of yourself, especially by building a diverse, effective toolkit of coping resources that work well for you. This blog post offers steps to help with exploring different coping strategies and other tools to support your healing journey. Assess the Toll on Your Well-Being. Start with an honest, self-compassionate reflection on the impact of the abusive relationship on your well-being. This kind of self-reflection is useful for identifying areas where intentional healing is needed, along with possible coping tools and strategies that might help you process your experiences and manage any distress you feel. Set, Communicate, and Maintain Boundaries. Abusive relationships often involve unhealthy boundaries, including chaotic, unclear, or overly rigid ones. Learning to define, establish, and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for promoting positive relationships and minimizing the negative impacts of abusive ones. Consider any boundaries you may want or need to put in place in any and all areas of your life to help you establish a sense of calm and self-direction. Acknowledge and Process Difficult Emotions. Abusive relationships can lead to complicated and challenging emotional consequences, such as anger, hurt, and ambivalence. Coping tools can help you explore difficult emotions and identify healthy ways to acknowledge and process them, which is often a key part of coping with and healing from an abusive relationship. Practice Self-Care and Self-Love. Abusive relationships often lead to neglecting self-care and self-love as you focus on navigating the harmful actions of the abuser. For many survivors, their abuser's actions may have affected their sense of self-worth. However, practicing self-care regularly is vital for both coping and recovery. Taking intentional steps to care for and love yourself is an important part of the healing process. Build and Prioritize Healthy Relationships. Healthy relationships can be a powerful source of support when healing from abusive ones. Abuse can erode your confidence in building and maintaining healthy relationships, and many abusers use isolation as a tactic for gaining power and control over their partners. By increasing your skills and knowledge about fostering positive relationships, you can enjoy many positive interactions and navigate difficult ones more effectively. Although strong relationship skills do not guarantee you can fully avoid unhealthy relationships, they can significantly enhance your ability to build and sustain healthy ones. My team and I have developed the Healthy Relationships Initiative, which I’ll link here as one possible resource for learning about healthy relationship skills and information: https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/. Conclusion Remember: Your own coping and healing journey is unique. It can take some time, practice, and experimenting with different coping strategies to figure out what tools will be most helpful to you, and the tools you need might varying different kinds of situations. There is no single "right" way to heal from an abusive relationship. Be intentional about addressing any thoughts or feelings that arise during your healing journey. Abusive relationships are tough, and the healing process can be equally challenging. Practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate your path to recovery. By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process. By Christine Murray
At The Source for Survivors, our goal is to share inspiration, tools, and resources to support survivors on their long-term healing journey after an abusive relationship. Healing is often a lengthy and complex process, and the healing journey can feel confusing and lonely, with many survivors lacking guidance and support along the way. As I reflect on the first several months since The Source for Survivors launched in early 2024, I realize that I haven’t yet addressed a fundamental question: What does it even mean to heal from abuse? Each survivor likely has a unique vision and experience of healing. Every person’s needs, experiences, resources, community context, cultural beliefs, and values are different. Because of this, their views on healing will be just as personal. However, there are some common experiences and components that many survivors share. In this blog post, I’ll share some of my thoughts on healing and invite you to consider what it looks like for you. Common Components of Healing Resolving Emotional Traumas. Traumatic experiences are individually defined but generally involve an event or series of events experienced as traumatic, followed by lasting consequences. For many, going through an abusive relationship is a traumatic experience that impacts their emotional, mental, and physical health. Healing can mean recovering from these aftereffects and reaching a point of feeling more resolved or settled. Some possible tools that may help survivors process the traumatic experiences they faced include therapy, journaling, self-reflection, and trauma-informed care from supportive professionals. Reconnecting with Yourself. Many survivors of abusive relationships come to feel disconnected from themselves throughout the relationship. They may no longer have a sense of their preferences, interests, or even their own identity. Healing can involve rediscovering oneself, rebuilding self-esteem, and reconnecting with personal likes, dislikes, and values outside the context of the abusive relationship. Managing Triggers. Not everyone experiences triggers, but for those who do, learning to identify, understand, and cope with them is crucial. Triggers can be anything from a song on the radio to an unexpected memory that pops in your mind. Understanding and managing these triggers in a healthy way is an important part of the healing process. Clarifying Your Views on Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. Setting Boundaries. Setting boundaries and navigating communication with an abuser and/or other people who are associated with your experiences of abuse can be an important part of healing. Some survivors can cut all ties, while others, especially those who share children with their abuser, must maintain some form of contact. Building interpersonal and communication skills and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can foster healing and emotional well-being. Finding Inner Peace. Achieving a sense of peace in life and within oneself can be another aspect of healing. While virtually no one (whether they are a survivor of abuse or not) feels peaceful 100% of the time, striving for inner calm and well-being can be a sign of significant progress toward healing. Prioritizing peace in survivors’ lives can help to guide decisions and reflect deep healing. Recognizing Your Growth. Some survivors find value in recognizing the growth that came from overcoming their experiences of abuse. This doesn’t mean the abuse was a positive thing to go through, but rather that overcoming related challenges led to personal strengths and resilience. This concept, known as post-traumatic growth, highlights how facing adversity can lead to profound personal development. For some survivors, part of the healing process is recognizing that they have grown and become stronger because of the challenges they experienced. Conclusion Above, I’ve described some of the major aspects of the healing process that resonate with me based on my own healing experiences and my work with survivors. As The Source for Survivors community continues to grow, I’m sure my understanding of healing will continue to evolve, and I hope you’ll join me in this evolution as well. I invite you to reflect on your definition of healing and identify which aspects are most important to you. Healing is a deeply personal and ongoing journey. By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can create a collective vision of what it means to heal from abuse. By Christine Murray
The journey of healing and recovering from past abuse unfolds differently for each survivor. It's a path that requires patience and perseverance because, for many of us as survivors, there are no quick fixes or shortcuts to healing. In our busy lives, finding dedicated time for healing can seem daunting. Yet, as we highlight in the Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model, committing to a long-term perspective is beneficial. Over time, deliberate steps we take toward healing, no matter how big or small, lay the foundation for progress and shifts along our healing journey. Today's blog explores practical steps—what I refer to as "healing accelerators"—that can gently help us move forward in our healing journey. Acceleration, in this context, isn't just about speeding up time. Instead, I’m referring to intentional investments of our space and energy into our healing process. These strategies are designed to support us in moving forward and nurturing our progress with care and purpose. Setting Aside Dedicated Time. Finding time for healing amidst life's demands can be challenging. However, even small doses of intentionally-spent time, like a few minutes daily or an hour weekly, can significantly impact your healing journey. Consider scheduling a weekend retreat or time to join a monthly support group as potential ways to prioritize your healing. Seeking Specialized Counseling. Working with a therapist trained in trauma and abuse recovery can be extremely helpful. Look for mental health professionals who are experienced and well-trained in these areas so you can seek out specialized support tailored to your needs. If you find a potential counselor who seems like they may be a good fit, feel free to ask about their training and experience in these topics to help you decide if they will understand your experiences. Connecting with Peer Support. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be invaluable. Peer support groups, whether online or in person, can offer understanding and solidarity, as well as you that you are not alone in your journey. Building Coping Skills. Equipping yourself with a variety of coping strategies is useful for navigating the emotional intensity of healing. From communication tools to relaxation techniques, developing these skills supports not only your healing journey, but they also can enhance your overall resilience in life. Mindful Emotional Processing. Deeply engaging with our emotions is important for healing. Of course, it’s important to promote your emotional safety while exploring complicated, often distressing emotions. Acknowledging triggers and seeking appropriate support (e.g., from a trained counselor or a crisis hotline) when needed supports our emotional resilience and guides us toward meaningful progress in our healing journey. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Setting boundaries can help us to protect our well-being. Survivors may need to set boundaries with their former abusers if they still need to have contact with them (e.g., when they share children), as well as boundaries in the context of stressful or toxic other relationships, such as with friends, family members, or coworkers. Learning to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries is important for maintaining a “buffer zone” around us that supports our healing process. Educating Yourself. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the healing process can empower you with insights into your own experiences. Learning new information often provides clarity and different perspectives, aiding in the journey toward healing and self-understanding. Reflective Practices. Regular journaling and self-reflection can deepen your understanding of yourself and your healing progress. Taking time to check in with your emotions and experiences can help us to gain self-awareness and personal growth. Conclusion There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and these accelerators may not be helpful for everyone. Healing accelerators can serve as intentional practices that can support and enrich the abuse recovery journey. I invite readers to share other ideas for healing accelerators in the comments below. Thank you for being part of our community as we aim to offer support and guidance for survivors along the healing journey. By Christine Murray
Emotions during the healing process from an abusive relationship can be overwhelmingly intense. I know this from my healing journey as a survivor, as well as through my work in the mental health and domestic violence fields. As a mental health professional, I'm an advocate for seeking professional support, such as counseling and crisis hotlines, as a helpful strategy for support with navigating intense emotions. Having professional support to consider how to personalize and apply general tools (like self-soothing, which I’ll cover in today’s post) to your unique circumstances also can be incredibly beneficial. While seeking support from professionals and compassionate loved ones is helpful, developing the capacity to self-soothe during the healing journey is very valuable as well. Intense emotional reactions are natural responses to the trauma of abusive relationships, so it’s understandable why powerful (and at times, distressing) emotions can be part of the healing process. Self-soothing can be a key tool in managing our intense emotions, as it helps to create more inner peace, clarity in our decisions, and progress toward healing. Self-soothing, in essence, refers to strategies, tools, and skills used during moments of intense, often uncomfortable emotions that lead to mental, emotional, or physical distress. Let's explore some practical ways to incorporate self-soothing into our healing toolkits as survivors of abusive relationships:
Integrating self-soothing into the healing journey can empower survivors with valuable tools to navigate intense emotions effectively. Remember, it takes a healthy balance of self-reliance and seeking support from others that can lead to our overall healing. In the comments below, I invite you to share your insights on self-soothing and other supportive concepts that survivors can use along their healing journeys. Your contributions enrich our Source for Survivors community and offer valuable support to fellow survivors. Healing from abusive relationships is a complex and emotional process. The Source for Survivors remains committed to providing valuable support and addressing topics that matter to our community. We welcome your suggestions for future blog topics as we continue this journey together. By Christine Murray
As I’ve discussed in past Source for Survivors blog posts, abusers use a range of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. This often includes emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse and manipulation, including gaslighting. In abusive relationships gaslighting happens when abusers try to confuse their partners and make them believe their perceptions aren’t real. I often think of this dynamic as abusers trying to write the inner narrative of their partners by trying to manipulate them into thinking how the abuser wants them to think. Typically, the abusers try to write narratives that serve their purposes and further embed their control and power into the relationship. The manipulative narratives of current or former abusive partners can become all-consuming in survivors’ thoughts and emotions. Survivors may find themselves ruminating over what was said or done in those relationships, even long after they’ve left the presence of the other person. Survivors might even start taking on thoughts, ideas, and belief systems about themselves that are false and harmful, but that the abuser planted as a way to manipulate them or convince survivors that they were wrong or to blame. Some survivors find that their abusive relationships have hijacked their inner narratives, meaning that what the abuser has said has become an overriding force in the ways they think and feel about themselves. This is an emotionally vulnerable position for survivors to be in because we risk allowing another person--and specifically, a person who has shown us that they don’t have our best interests at heart--to define us, rather than defining and refining our own identities. Be cautious about how much space you let your current or former abuser’s hurtful words and behaviors take up in your thought life. Of course, it is important to take time to reflect on your experiences in an abusive relationship, as well as to process your emotions related to those experiences. You might consider using a journal, such as our Pathway for Survivors Mini-Journal (which you can download for free here), as a tool for this reflection. Overall, it is important to be mindful about not allowing an abusive relationship to prevent you from seeing other positive experiences in life, such as your personal strengths, healthy relationships with others, and your personal and professional successes and accomplishments. An abusive relationship can be quite hurtful and stressful. However, it does not need to be the dominant force in your life. As you move along your healing journey, strive to reclaim your inner narrative from any lingering effects of your abuser’s harmful words and actions. Remember that you can write the story--including your inner truths--of your own life. By Christine Murray
People who perpetrate abuse in intimate relationships often use a variety of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. Some of these are blatant and severe - such as using physical violence, sexual assault, or blatantly abusive and harmful words to diminish their partners. Whether or not these blatant forms of abuse are present, there is often an underlying pattern of subtle tricks or tactics that abusers often use to create the context for their abuse. In today’s post, we’ll explore some of these tactics, which often overlap with behaviors that could be considered emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically abusive. Keep in mind that every person’s experiences are unique, and the abuse tactics that are present in abusive relationships can vary widely. The behaviors that are listed below are only a starting point for recognizing patterns of abuse that may have impacted you if you’re a survivor, or someone you’re supporting, such as if you’ve got a friend or family member who has experienced an abusive relationship. Let’s take a look at some of these patterns: Manipulation: Abusers often manipulate through kindness, using compliments or gifts as tools for manipulation. Generating Conflict: Abusers thrive on conflict, stirring up fights or escalating minor issues into major battles. Avoiding Responsibility: Abusers typically refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blaming others or denying the harm they cause. Passive-Aggression: They may express aggression indirectly, using tones or behaviors to convey hostility. Invalidating Feelings: Abusers often disregard others' emotions, dismissing them as invalid or "too sensitive." Cruel Criticism: They resort to hurtful criticisms or put-downs, targeting sensitive areas to inflict maximum pain. Gaslighting and Undermining Your Reality: Abusers distort reality, denying events or emotions to undermine their victim's perception. Boundary Violations: They disregard boundaries, crossing emotional, behavioral, or physical lines repeatedly. Draining Your Energy: Interactions with abusers leave victims feeling emotionally and physically drained. Withholding Positivity: Abusers withhold positive attention, neglecting emotional needs and creating a void in the relationship. Interfering in Relationships: They may interfere in their partners’ relationships, isolating them and/or damaging their connections. Recognizing these patterns is important for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships. While all relationships face challenges, abuse goes beyond typical conflicts. Abusers typically resist change, refuse accountability, and create overwhelmingly confusing and negative environments. If you recognize the patterns above - or others that have a similar vibe or feel even if they're note listed - consider seeking additional support to evaluate your experiences and consider how to promote your own safety or the safety of a survivor you're supporting. |
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