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By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships are difficult to experience, and they can impact you in many ways, including your physical, emotional, and mental health, your career or educational performance, your sense of self-worth, and how you approach other relationships. Coping with an abusive relationship can be very challenging, as can the process of recovering from the effects of an abusive relationship even after it has ended. In today’s post, I want to share a few important reminders for survivors who are at any point along the sometimes long, difficult healing journey following an abusive relationship. Throughout your healing journey, prioritize your safety and consider seeking help from a trained professional (e.g., a mental health professional or a victim advocate). Remember that this includes your physical safety, as well as your emotional safety and overall well-being in all areas of your life, including your finances, relationships, and career. Be intentional and consistent in caring for yourself when coping with or recovering from an abusive relationship. This includes caring for your physical, mental, and emotional health. Be mindful of any effects that the stress and turmoil of the abusive relationship have had on your well-being. Overcoming these negative effects of this harmful relationship can take time and require an intentional approach to healing. The healing journey takes a different amount of time for everyone, so be patient and remember to move forward at a pace that feels comfortable and meaningful to you. Even if you have had many abusive relationship experiences, know that you have the capacity to build healthy relationships with healthy, flexible boundaries in different areas of your life. If you are still navigating any ongoing experiences of abuse (such as post-separation abuse if there is shared custody with your abuser), be proactive and intentional as you make decisions about which directions you need to take in those situations, both in the short-term and over the long term. If you find yourself in the midst of an abusive relationship that you know needs to end, but you can’t do so right away for practical or other reasons, begin taking steps that will move you closer to being in a position to remove yourself from that relationship or environment when the time is right. Resources like a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be invaluable sources of support. Congratulations on being intentional about your healing journey, whether your journey is just beginning or you’ve been in the process for a long time. By doing so, you have prioritized your well-being and taken powerful steps toward healing. Remember to continue to prioritize your growth and self-care as you move forward. This may look like completing self-help activities or books, or seeking professional support. Know that any steps you take toward increasing your capacity for coping with or recovering from the abusive relationship experiences you faced are powerful growth opportunities. And finally, always remember that you are worthy of a positive, fulfilling life in which you’re surrounded by people who genuinely care about and support you. There is nothing in your past that disqualifies you from that positive vision for your future.
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By Christine Murray
As a longtime licensed marriage and family therapist, I deeply believe in the potential value of relationship- and family-oriented counseling. There can be tremendous growth and healing when couples or families work together in a therapeutic setting to address challenges and strengthen their relationships. That said, in today’s post, I want to address a very important point: Couples therapy generally is not recommended when abuse is present in a relationship. In fact, it can be harmful and unsafe for the victim or survivor. Below, I’ll walk through why couples therapy is generally not appropriate when a partner is perpetrating abuse, and what alternative forms of support may be more helpful and safe. Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that this topic can bring up a lot of emotions, especially for survivors who tried couples counseling with an abusive partner and found it confusing, invalidating, or even re-traumatizing. If that has been your experience, please know that it makes sense, and you are not alone. Please also note that the information I’m sharing here is meant as general guidance. If you are considering whether therapy might be helpful in your situation, or if you’re feeling unsure about a relationship that has included abusive dynamics, I encourage you to seek individualized support. This might include a counselor who is trained in domestic violence dynamics or reaching out to a resource such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline or a local domestic violence advocacy agency. Why Couples Therapy Isn’t Safe or Effective in Abusive Relationships In general, couples counseling works best when both partners are committed to a foundation of safety and respect and are open to reflecting on their own roles in the relationship dynamics. But when abuse is present, these conditions don’t exist. Here’s why this matters: 1. Safety Concerns for the Survivor First and foremost, couples therapy can pose serious risks to survivors. An abusive partner might retaliate after emotionally charged topics are addressed in a therapy session. Even if the abuser appears calm during the session, they may act later with escalated emotional, psychological, or physical abuse as “punishment” for what was said. Typically, couples counselors can only get a limited glimpse into what’s happening in the relationship. Abusers may present themselves as calm, rational, or even remorseful in front of the therapist, which can be part of their manipulation. But once the session ends, their controlling and harmful behaviors may continue or worsen, out of the therapist’s view. 2. Couples Counseling Treats Relationship Issues as Mutual Generally speaking, couples therapy addresses problems as shared or mutual between partners. But abuse is not a mutual problem. It’s an individual behavior that stems from an abuser’s motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their partner. Approaching abuse as a relationship problem can minimize the accountability of the abusive partner. It may send the message, intentionally or not, that the survivor is somehow responsible for the abuse or needs to change their behavior to make the abuse stop. This is never true. Abuse is always the sole responsibility of the person who is choosing to be abusive. 3. Therapy Requires Trust and Safety, Which Abuse Undermines Effective therapy requires a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety. Without those elements, the therapeutic process can’t work the way it’s intended to. When power and control dynamics exist in a relationship, it’s nearly impossible for both partners to feel safe enough to engage honestly and openly in counseling. In some cases, abusers may even use therapy sessions as a tool of manipulation, such as by twisting the survivor’s words, gaining more access to their emotional vulnerabilities, or using the session to appear cooperative while continuing their abuse outside the session. What to Consider Instead of Couples Counseling If you or someone you care about is in a relationship where abuse is present, and the question of therapy or healing comes up, there are safer and more effective alternatives than couples counseling to consider: 1. Accountability and Intervention for the Abusive Partner The most important first step for an abusive partner is to take full responsibility for their behaviors and demonstrate a sustained commitment to change. The current best practice for intervention is participation in a batterer intervention program (BIP), sometimes also called a domestic violence intervention program. These programs are often mandated through the court system, but many also accept voluntary participants. They focus on the power and control dynamics that drive abusive behaviors and work toward long-term behavior change and accountability. It’s important to note that anger management programs are not a substitute for batterer intervention. Abuse is not about anger; it’s about power and control. While learning healthy ways to manage anger can be helpful, it doesn’t address the core power and control issues at the root of abuse. In some cases, when a formal batterer intervention program isn’t available, an alternative might be individual counseling with a professional who has specific, extensive training and experience working with abusive partners. However, the provider should be well-versed in domestic violence dynamics and focused on holding the abusive person accountable. 2. Individual Counseling and Support for Survivors While couples counseling is not appropriate when abuse is present, individual counseling can be a valuable part of the healing journey for survivors. Individual counseling offers a private, safe space to process the abuse, build coping tools, and explore options for the future. Support groups for survivors, peer support networks, and advocacy services through local domestic violence agencies can also provide helpful resources, encouragement, and a sense of community. When seeking a therapist, survivors should look for someone who is trauma-informed and trained in intimate partner violence. Unfortunately, not all mental health professionals are adequately prepared to support survivors, so it’s important to ask questions and seek a provider who has relevant experience and understanding. 3. Legal and Advocacy Resources Sometimes survivors may also benefit from consulting with attorneys or legal advocates to explore their rights, especially if safety planning, custody, or protection orders are needed. Domestic violence agencies often have legal advocacy staff or partnerships with attorneys who can provide free or low-cost guidance. What If the Abusive Partner Refuses to Change? In another Source for Survivors blog post, I explore the question, “Can abusers change?” Although change is possible in some cases, it is not guaranteed. Even if an abusive partner makes promises to change, survivors must be cautious and stay grounded in the reality of what they observe, not just what they’re told by their abuser. Change requires time, consistency, accountability, and humility. If an abusive partner refuses to seek help or continues harmful behaviors, it’s important to prioritize your own safety and healing. Conclusion As a therapist and a survivor, it makes me cringe when I hear someone suggest couples counseling for a relationship in which abuse is present. I cringe not only because I know how unsafe it can be for the survivor, but also because it sends the wrong message: that the abuse is somehow a shared problem or that the survivor needs to “work on the relationship” alongside their abuser. The truth is, abuse is a choice made by the person causing harm. Survivors are never responsible for the abuse they experience. If you're in a relationship with abusive dynamics (or trying to support someone who is), please consider reaching out for individualized support from trained professionals or advocacy organizations. There are many helpful, safe, and empowering resources available, and the right support can make a world of difference. Couples counseling might not be the safest or most appropriate resource in relationships involving an abusive partner, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other options available to help you along your path toward healing, safety, and peace. By Christine Murray
This blog post is adapted from Chapter 9 of our book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment after Surviving an Abusive Relationship. To learn more about the book and access related resources, please visit The Source for Survivors Financial Abuse Recovery Book Resources webpage. Healing after an abusive relationship is a personal journey that can unfold in many different ways. For many survivors, an important part of the healing journey includes rediscovering or re-imagining their professional and educational goals. Whether it means going back to school, starting a new job, changing careers, or simply reflecting on what kind of work brings meaning and stability, this process can be empowering and healing. If you’re in the early stages of abuse recovery, thinking about big career or education decisions may feel overwhelming. You may be dealing with financial pressures, lingering trauma, self-doubt, or the ongoing impacts of the abuse you experienced (such as being discouraged or blocked from working or studying during the relationship). Remember that it’s never too late to invest in yourself and take intentional steps toward building a future that reflects your goals, values, and dreams. In abusive relationships, it’s common for survivors to feel like their needs, goals, and well-being were consistently devalued. A big part of healing for many survivors involves learning to reclaim your worth, and one powerful way to do this can include making intentional investments in yourself. This might include self-care, counseling, rest, and seeking new opportunities related to work and learning. Everyone’s career and educational paths are different. You may be working in a job you love, seeking something new, feeling unsure of your next steps, or currently not in the workforce at all. Wherever you are right now, keep in mind that the goal is not to follow someone else’s blueprint. It’s important to explore what feels meaningful and supportive for you. That could mean completing a degree, returning to school, launching a business, exploring volunteer work, or finding peace in staying where you are. There’s no one right way to move forward, so take time to consider what steps feel right to you at this point in time. Survivors may face unique challenges in their educational or professional lives, some of which may be the direct result of abuse. Perhaps you were kept from working or studying. Maybe you were constantly criticized or told you weren’t capable. The lingering effects of this kind of mistreatment can impact your confidence and decision-making long after the relationship ends. At the same time, setting and working toward educational or career goals can be a powerful part of healing. Taking steps toward your goals can build confidence, foster a sense of purpose, and contribute to financial independence. You may even discover a deeper sense of identity or reconnect with dreams you’d put on hold. Practical Considerations and Strategies If you're exploring educational or career goals after abuse, here are a few practical strategies and considerations to keep in mind:
Conclusion Whether you’re dreaming of a new career, thinking about returning to school, or just beginning to explore what’s next, remember that you are worthy of growth. You are capable of learning new things, and you can pursue opportunities that align with your goals and your healing journey. Pursuing career or educational goals after an abusive relationship isn’t always easy, but it can be a powerful part of the healing journey. These steps, however small they may feel at first, are part of reclaiming your future and honoring your worth. Whether you're focused on resting and recovering, mapping out big dreams for your future, or somewhere in between, remember that you deserve a future that feels empowering, meaningful, and free. How the “Good Times” (or Even the Neutral Ones) Add to the Confusion of Abusive Relationships7/8/2025 By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can be very confusing, from both the inside (i.e., for victims and survivors) and the outside looking in (i.e., for personal and professional supporters of victims and survivors). There are many reasons for this confusion, including trying to make sense of the internal motivation of abusers, navigating all of the emotions and stress that arise during the relationship, logistical factors like finances, and aiming to make clear decisions in the midst of a very unclear set of circumstances. For victims and survivors, confusion can show up as uncertainty about what to do and whether to leave their abusive partners, feelings of shame and stigma about telling others about the abuse, and difficulty sorting through mixed emotions about one’s relationship, partner, and even oneself. From the outside looking in, supporters may feel confused about why a victim is not leaving their abusive partner and difficulty reconciling a (possibly positive) image of the abuser with the realities of their harmful reactions. From my own personal experiences and my observations through my work, I believe that there is a common misconception about abusive relationships that adds significantly to the confusion surrounding abusive relationships. The common misconception is the idea that abusive relationships are always bad. Even the term “abusive relationship” implies that these relationships are defined by the abuse. Now, I believe it is important to define and name abuse when it is happening. On the other hand, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that there can be periods of time in which even abusive relationships feel like they are “good” or even neutral. The dynamic nature of abusive relationships is well-understood as part of the Cycle of Violence, which identifies at least 3 key phases of abusive patterns: the honeymoon phase, the tension-building phase, and the explosion phase. Learning about these phases and the overall Cycle of Violence can be eye-opening for many survivors, although not all relationships follow these phases in the same way. In addition, the phases in this cycle often change over time, especially as violence and abuse become deeply entrenched in a relationship. “Good times” in abusive relationships might be part of a honeymoon phase, meaning they might reflect periods of time following incidents of abuse in which an abuser is on their best behavior and trying to get back in the good graces of the victim or survivor. On the other hand, I’ve come to believe there is also the potential for “good times” and even neutral times (i.e., those that a victim wouldn’t necessarily describe as good or bad) to occur in ways that may not align directly with the Cycle of Violence. Sometimes, “good” and neutral times can last for an extended period of time, perhaps months or even years on end. (I put “good times” in quotes because I think it’s questionable whether these good times might be part of broader manipulation patterns in abusive relationships.) In my personal experience in my own past abusive relationship, the “good” and neutral times were a major added source of confusion about my overall experiences in the relationship. There were certainly periods of time in that relationship that were very clearly bad and abusive. On the other hand, sometimes even after these times, there would be periods of relative calm. I would be left wondering, “Maybe this relationship is not all that bad? Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe he didn’t mean it and will change so that his harmful behavior won’t happen again?” Often, the periods of relative calm would emerge without much fanfare, and typically, there was no formal apology or acknowledgement of harm on the part of my abuser that marked the start of these periods. Rather, I would just sort of notice that it didn’t feel as bad as it had been feeling earlier, when it was a more active abuse phase. I can speak from personal experience when I say how confusing these “good” or neutral times were to my overall experiences in that abusive relationship. I’m certain they led me to stay in the relationship a lot longer than I might have otherwise, had these times not added to my confusion about what to do about the relationship. It helped me to realize that, even though there were times when my relationship was “not that bad,” this did not take away from the fact that abuse was a very present and real part of my experience in that relationship. Every victim’s and survivor’s experiences within abusive relationships are unique. There are definitely some survivors for whom there have never been any good (or even neutral) experiences within their relationships. Even still, for those for whom “good” and neutral periods of time have added to their confusion about their relationships, there can be a lot of power in knowing that they’re not alone in these experiences. If you’ve faced confusion about the dynamics of an abusive relationship because it was not 100% abusive or bad, 100% of the time, know that you are not alone. Likewise, know that you’re not alone if “good” or neutral times in the relationship contributed to any mixed feelings you had about the relationship and your partner. Honor your feelings and experiences, and continue to process and validate them on your own and with the support of trusted professionals or loved ones. Trust that even in the midst of confusion, you are building the strength and insight needed to move forward on your own terms. Building A Healthy Romantic Relationship After an Abusive One (Or Choosing to Stay Happily Single)6/17/2025 By Christine Murray
Healing after an abusive relationship is a very personal journey. For some survivors, part of that journey eventually includes building a new romantic relationship. For others, the healthiest, most empowering choice may be to remain happily single, whether temporarily or indefinitely. There’s no one-size-fits-all path, and today’s post is meant to offer encouragement for whichever direction feels right for you right now. After experiencing the trauma of an abusive relationship, it’s understandable to feel apprehensive about future romantic relationships. Survivors often have witnessed how easily trust can be broken and how painful it can be when hopes for love are shattered. Even still, it’s important to remember that safe, healthy relationships are possible after abuse. Relationships grounded in respect, kindness, communication, and emotional safety do exist. It may take time, healing, and trust in yourself, but if finding a new romantic relationship is something you want, it’s absolutely possible. At the same time, it’s just as valid to decide that pursuing a new relationship isn’t something you want or need, either for the time being or at any point in the future. Some survivors find deep fulfillment and peace in living single. You are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. The most important thing is that the choices you make about relationships moving forward honor your healing, well-being, and personal needs. Choosing to Stay Single: A Valid and Potentially Empowering Decision Not every survivor will desire to pursue a new relationship after abuse. Many survivors find that stepping away from dating and relationships is an important part of their healing. Some choose temporary breaks from romantic relationships to focus on self-care, while others decide to remain single long-term or permanently. There are many reasons survivors might choose to stay single, including desiring to focus on their healing, personal growth, and emotional safety, as well as seeking opportunities to enjoy their newfound freedom and independence after living under the control of their abuser. Choosing to remain single can be a powerful, courageous act of self-love. Of course, if you choose to stay single, it’s normal to encounter societal pressures or questions from others. You might hear, “When are you going to start dating again?” or, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” It’s okay to affirm your choices and remind yourself that your journey doesn’t need validation from anyone else. Entering New Relationships: Accepting Risk and Honoring Growth If you do choose to seek out a new romantic relationship after an abusive one, it’s important to recognize that some level of risk is inherent in trusting another person. Survivors may carry understandable fears, such as fear of being hurt again, fear of missing early warning signs, or fear of repeating painful patterns. Acknowledging these fears is healthy, and it’s a sign of the wisdom you gained through your experiences. Building a new, healthy relationship after abuse often requires self-awareness, intentionality, healthy boundaries, listening to your instincts, and seeking input and guidance from a trusted support system. Often, when starting to date again, it is wise to take things slowly as you get to know the other person and see if they have the potential to be a safe, supportive partner to you (and you to them). Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor when exploring new relationships. Counseling can offer tools for rebuilding trust, addressing trauma-related responses, and strengthening your sense of empowerment. Final Thoughts: Empowering Yourself to Make the Right Decisions for You Whether you pursue a new romantic relationship or choose to remain single, healing and wholeness come from within, not from another person. Remember that you are already worthy, complete, and deserving of love--whether from a partner, friends, family, or a community support system (not to mention, from yourself). Begin to seek out and enjoy love and support in its many possible forms, which may or may not include a new romantic relationship. One of the most difficult effects of many abusive relationships is that they limit survivors from the freedom to make their own choices safely. Healing often means reclaiming our right to decide for ourselves what’s best for our lives moving forward. Whether that means building a new romantic relationship, choosing to stay single, or remaining open to either path, trust that you are the best person to make those decisions. You deserve relationships (or no relationships) that honor your safety, your peace, and your dreams for your life. You are worthy of a future that feels safe, free, and filled with the love, joy, and respect you deserve--in whatever forms they take for you. Note from the blogger: Today’s post has been adapted from three posts I wrote previously as part of the See the Triumph Collection: Safe & Healthy Relationships Following Abuse: (1) Safe, Healthy Relationships Are Possible After Abuse, (2) Abstaining from Relationships Following Abuse, and (3) Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely. By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time. By Christine Murray
Last month, I crossed the finish line at the Pittsburgh Marathon—my seventh, and likely final, full marathon. I say “likely” because, as the years go by, the physical toll and schedule demands of training have become harder to manage. I still hope to take on a few more half-marathons and other shorter races, but completing this marathon felt like a meaningful milestone to me. As I trained for Pittsburgh, I found myself often thinking about how the process of training for a marathon is a lot like the journey of healing from an abusive relationship. While the race itself is an exciting event, it’s the months of training that truly shape the marathon experience. Just like the journey of healing from abuse, it’s the day-to-day progress that makes the biggest difference. So, let’s consider how healing from abuse is, in many ways, like training for a marathon. It Takes Time, Commitment, and Intention There aren’t really any shortcuts to marathon training—and the healing process is similar. Both require an ongoing, intentional investment of time and energy. You can’t expect to complete a marathon without preparing, even if you’re like me and moving at a very slow pace! Similarly, healing from an abusive relationship requires patience, self-awareness, and steady effort over time. Two of the six commitments in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework are relevant here: being intentional and taking a long-range view. Whether you’re building physical endurance or reclaiming your emotional well-being, the process isn’t quick. But with each intentional step, you move closer to strength and healing. You Often Need Support, Even When It’s Hard to Ask Marathon training often requires the support of others. That might mean carving out time in your family’s schedule, asking loved ones for flexibility, or seeking advice from a coach or experienced runner. In healing from abuse, the need for support is just as real—and often even more challenging to navigate. When you’ve experienced abuse, especially in a close relationship, your trust may be shaken. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable or scary. But support can come in different forms. It might look like attending therapy, joining a support group, reading a helpful book, or simply texting a friend when you’re struggling. Healing is hard enough—no one should have to go it alone. You Need to Be Mindful of What You’re Taking In Marathon training requires careful attention to hydration and nutrition—not just during the race, but throughout the training process. What you put into your body affects how you feel when you’re moving. The process of abuse recovery is similar. But instead of gels and water bottles, the “fuel” of healing might be uplifting music that boosts your mood, affirming trauma-informed resources, relationships that bring support instead of stress, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. Take inventory of what you’re consuming—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Are you fueling your healing or depleting yourself with negativity, doubt, or guilt? Adjust your intake as needed to support your progress. Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey When I tell people I train for marathons, I often get mixed reactions: some positive, others confused, and sometimes even critical. “Why would you want to do that?,” people ask. And the truth is, not everyone will understand. The same holds true in healing. You may make choices others don’t get, like stepping away from dating, cutting off a toxic mutual friend, or seeking therapy. Some people may question your decisions or expect you to “move on” more quickly. But healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about making choices that honor your own needs and values. And remember: You don’t need validation from others to do what’s best for you, whether it comes to training for a marathon or healing from an abusive relationship. You Get to Go at Your Own Pace One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through marathon training is that pace doesn’t determine the magnitude of the accomplishment. Whether someone finishes in lightning speed or (like me) is simply aiming to be done before the race course closes, they’re still a marathon finisher. The same is true in healing. Your pace is your own. Sometimes, progress comes quickly; other times, it’s slow and unsteady. Some days are full of breakthroughs, and others feel like you're just barely getting through. My marathon times have changed over the years. My fastest - over a decade ago now - was about four hours, but these days, I often walk more than I run. And that’s okay. There’s no one “right” pace. The key is to keep moving forward in a way that feels meaningful to you. Final Thoughts Training for what is likely my final marathon gave me time to reflect on my running journey, as well as the parallels between physical endurance events and emotional healing. Neither path is easy. Both can involve pain, frustration, and setbacks, but they also are opportunities for strength, growth, and transformation. You may not get a finisher’s medal at the end of your healing journey. You may not have a cheering crowd. But your journey is no less real, and your strength is no less powerful. So whether you’re in the earliest steps of healing, somewhere in the messy middle, or miles past the hardest parts: Keep going. Celebrate the small wins. And trust that, just like training for a marathon, every step you take is an important part of the process. By Christine Murray
Recently, I had the honor of speaking at the 13th Annual Celebration of Survivors Luncheon, hosted by Marva Edwards and Marva’s Outreach Mission. In today’s blog post, I wanted to share some highlights from my remarks at that event with those of you who couldn’t be there in person. The event reminded me of something that is at the heart of the mission of The Source for Survivors: That healing from abuse can be a long, winding journey, and often, it’s the small, quiet wins along the way that carry the most meaning. We Don’t Have to Wait for Huge Milestones to Be Celebrated Healing from an abusive relationship doesn’t often happen in one single moment in time. There is value in celebrating big “wins” along our healing journeys, but it’s important to value and honor the small, often unnoticed moments that demonstrate our progress as well. The luncheon’s theme of “Celebration of Survivors” resonated with me because I believe it is so important for there to be spaces where the strength, resilience, and triumphs of survivors are recognized. At the luncheon, I spoke about what it means to celebrate “small wins.” A small win could be:
Small wins may not be the dramatic milestones the world often likes to spotlight, but they are the everyday acts of reclaiming oneself along the healing journey. Small wins can show you that your healing is happening—even if no one else sees it. Celebrating Survivors’ Seemingly “Small” Everyday Wins Events like the Celebration of Survivors Luncheon are powerful because they remind us how important it is to be surrounded by people who honor the strength it takes to heal from abuse. As much as special events like the luncheon are important, however, I invite you to think of ways that you can build celebration into your everyday life. Whether on your own or in the company of your inner circle, seek out opportunities to recognize moments along your journey that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small at the time. Try not to overlook the importance of these seemingly small wins, and remember that every step you take forward - whether it’s a giant leap or a tiny baby step - offers a valuable opportunity for healing. Whether your win today is getting out of bed, sending a text to a friend, writing for a few minutes in your journal, or just taking some time for self-reflection, remember that small wins can add up to major impacts over time. You deserve to be celebrated, both for the big victories along your journey, along with the quiet acts of courage and strength you show each and every day. So today, and every day, may you give yourself permission to honor the small wins that are shaping your journey and helping you to grow and heal. By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
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