Why is Healing So Uncomfortable Sometimes?

By Christine Murray

Progress can be painful. Along the journey of healing from an abusive relationship, as we strive forward toward brighter days ahead, sometimes we may find that even positive steps forward can feel uncomfortable and, at times, downright awful.

Moving through past hurts and building new positive habits, goals, and behaviors can be very challenging, even when we know we are moving forward into a positive new chapter of our lives. This discomfort can come up for many reasons:

• We might be grieving losses from the past.
• We may need to make major changes in our lives that bring up new insecurities and fears.
• We may have to set boundaries with people we used to be close with, and at times we may even need to cut ties with people we care about.
• We might feel lonely because of lost relationships while we are waiting to build new, healthier ones. 
• We may feel self-doubt and lack confidence in our abilities. 
• Even new, healthier patterns that we know we want to create can feel strange and uncomfortable because they’re so different from the normal patterns we are used to.

In some ways, it can feel unfair that so many painful feelings and emotions can come along with making positive changes, especially when we are being intentional about healing the trauma and hurts involved in past abuse. Shouldn’t life just reward us by making the healing process easy, especially after all we’ve been through? It’s natural to indulge questions like this at times, although spending a lot of time on them might not help us too much when it comes to navigating the realities of the healing journey. Whether fair or not, going through discomfort and painful feelings is a natural part of the healing process for many survivors, and it may even be a sign of our growth and progress.

I’ll share a recent example from my own life to help illustrate how progress can sometimes bring painful feelings along for the ride. Several months back, I had to set a boundary and (at least temporarily) cut off contact with someone who had been a close friend of mine for a long time. I knew this friend was going through some personal challenges, but they were acting toward me in ways that were hurtful, stress-inducing, and not respectful of some boundaries I had asked them to honor. 

Over time, I realized their actions were taking a toll on me, so I let them know I would not be able to be in communication with them at that time. As I write this blog post, I’ve still kept the distance intact. On the one hand, I was so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic behaviors and setting a boundary. I know there have been times in my past when I would have allowed the negativity to continue, even if it was affecting me in unhealthy ways. It felt good to recognize the progress I’d made and know I took a big step toward prioritizing my peace.

At the same time, setting this boundary with my friend was painful. I was sad to cut ties with someone that had meant a lot to me. Whether the cut ties will end up being temporary or permanent, I faced a lot of sadness and doubts as to whether I made the right decision. I knew I’d made a decision that reflected my growth and progress, but even knowing that didn’t make the decision less painful.

Along our journeys toward healing and personal growth, we may face many situations that involve growing pains and seasons of discomfort. Feeling better often comes on the other side of painful emotions like this. We may even question if we’re making the right decisions or taking the right steps when we feel these kinds of growing pains.

Here are a few practices that may help you navigate times when you find yourself grappling with painful byproducts of growth along your healing journey:

• Seek support from trusted people--whether they be close friends, family members, a support group, or a trained mental health professional. Other people who you can trust to have your best interest at heart can provide a sounding board and help validate your decisions and emotions.
• Practice trusting yourself. Offer yourself validation for your own feelings and decisions by practicing self-compassion. Lean into your inner sense of knowing and trust that it will guide you in the right directions, even if you feel discomfort or pain at times.
• Continually build your patience and practice mindfulness. Growth and progress take time, especially when we are moving toward positive changes that will last for the long term. Remain mindful of your reactions as you enter into new territories along your healing journey, and know that it’s natural to experience a range of emotions along the healing journey.
• Be open to changing course if and when it’s needed. Sometimes, discomfort is a sign of growth. At other times, however, painful consequences might mean we need to shift course again. It’s tricky at times to figure out what signals of discomfort mean. Trust you’ll know if and when you need to change your plans or approaches to healing.
• Celebrate your progress, even if it doesn’t feel great! Celebrations can be big or small. Sometimes, we just need to pause for a couple of brief moments and give ourselves an actual or metaphorical pat on the back to acknowledge our growth. It is a big deal to break negative patterns and cycles of the past and to take intentional steps toward healing and growth. Allow yourself to celebrate your forward movement, even if it’s brought some new challenges along with it.

Remember, healing isn’t about avoiding discomfort but about acknowledging it as a sign of your incredible growth and resilience. Trust the process, and give yourself the grace you deserve as you continue to move forward.