When It All Seems So Unfair

By Christine Murray

For survivors of abusive relationships, unfairness can feel like a harsh reality and a deeply personal experience. The injustice of abuse itself is undeniable—offering love, kindness, and support in a relationship only to be met with pain and harm is profoundly unfair. But beyond that, survivors often encounter additional layers of unfairness, both during the abusive relationship and throughout the healing journey.

As someone who has navigated my own healing journey and worked closely with many survivors, I have seen how this sense of unfairness can be overwhelming. It’s not just about what happened in the past—it’s about the lingering consequences that often don’t seem to impact the abuser in the same way. Recognizing and processing these feelings is an important part of healing for many survivors. In this post, we’ll explore some of the common injustices survivors face and strategies for managing the emotions that arise from them.

Recognizing the Many Forms of Unfairness

There are countless ways that unfairness manifests in the context of current or former abusive relationships. Here are some of the most common:

• Emotional Imbalances: Survivors often feel immense distress over what happened, while the abuser may appear unaffected, even thriving. It can feel especially unjust when the person who caused harm seems to “win” while the survivor struggles to rebuild.
  
• Financial and Logistical Disadvantages: Leaving an abusive relationship often means financial instability for many survivors. Survivors may have to move, find new employment, or navigate legal battles while their abuser may remain in the same place, financially secure and unbothered.
• Systemic Injustices: The legal system can be an uphill battle for survivors, particularly when abusers manipulate family court proceedings, use financial resources to hire aggressive legal representation, or exploit legal loopholes to maintain control.
• Parenting Challenges: When children are involved, survivors may experience immense frustration when their abuser continues to have parental rights despite being uninvolved, manipulative, or even harmful. In some cases, children may even align with the abuser, leaving the survivor feeling further isolated.
• Reputation and Social Consequences: Abusers can be charming and charismatic to people outside of the relationship, leading friends, family, and even professionals to believe their version of events. Meanwhile, survivors may lose relationships and face character attacks, making their healing journey even more isolating.

Processing and Managing the Emotions That Come with Unfairness

Acknowledging any injustices you have faced is an important step in the healing process. Ignoring or suppressing these experiences and associated feelings can create barriers to healing. Below are some potentially helpful strategies to process and move forward:

1. Validate Your Feelings and Experiences

It’s okay to acknowledge that what happened was not fair. You don’t have to downplay your feelings or pretend that everything is fine. Permit yourself to say, “This was unjust, and I deserved better.” Having supportive people who affirm your experiences—whether trusted friends, family members, or a counselor—can be incredibly healing.

Affirmations can also help reinforce self-validation:

• I deserved better than this.
• This outcome isn’t right, and it’s okay for me to feel upset about it.
• My feelings are valid, and I am allowed to acknowledge my pain.

2. Allow Yourself to Fully Process Your Emotions

Unfairness can stir up intense emotions—anger, sadness, disbelief, and even rage. These feelings are valid, and working through them is essential. Find safe ways to process your emotions, such as:

• Journaling your thoughts and feelings.
• Writing letters (most likely that you’ll never send) to express what you wish you could say.
• Talking to a trusted friend, support group, or counselor.
• Allowing yourself to have moments of reflection, giving space for your emotions to exist without judgment.

If you’d like to explore more about navigating the emotional roller coaster of healing, check out our past blog post on this topic.

3. Channel the Unfairness into Positive Action

While you may not be able to change what happened to you, you might consider channeling your frustrations about the unfairness into positive action. Many survivors find empowerment by:

• Supporting others who are going through similar situations.
• Getting involved in advocacy efforts to address systemic injustices, such as promoting trauma-informed legal practices.
• Volunteering for organizations that support survivors.

That said, always ensure that giving back doesn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. If advocacy or helping others becomes overwhelming or triggering, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your healing.

4. Seek Lessons and Empowering Decisions

While no one should have to “learn” from an unjust experience, seeking lessons can sometimes be a way to regain a sense of control. For example:

• If financial abuse was a factor, you might choose to focus on building your financial literacy and independence.
• If legal battles were unfairly skewed against you, you might decide to become more informed about your rights and advocate for policy changes.
• If social consequences left you isolated, you might become more intentional about cultivating trustworthy, supportive relationships in your life moving forward.

Seeking lessons isn’t about minimizing the pain of what happened—it’s about reclaiming your power and creating a future that feels safer and more aligned with your needs.

Moving Forward with Strength and Self-Compassion

Survivors of abuse often carry heavy burdens of injustice. While we can’t always change what happened, we can choose how we process and respond to it. Healing is about finding ways to acknowledge what was unfair, give ourselves grace in the process, and take steps toward a life that feels more stable, empowered, and fulfilling.

Remember, you are not alone. There is strength in facing these emotions and wisdom in seeking paths forward that honor your healing. You deserve fairness, justice, and peace, even if the journey toward them feels long. And most importantly, you deserve kindness—from yourself and from those who truly support you.

If you need support, consider reaching out to a counselor, support group, or trusted loved ones. Healing is possible, and you deserve to move forward in a way that brings you peace.