When Co-Parenting Isn’t Possible with an Abusive Ex

By Christine Murray

Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors.  

If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children.

In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict.

In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children.

When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary

If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control.

Some key elements of parallel parenting include:

• Setting firm boundaries: Communication should be limited to essential matters related to the children, preferably through written channels such as email or a co-parenting app.
• Using a structured parenting plan: Custody agreements should be as detailed as possible to minimize the need for discussion or negotiation.
• Keeping interactions business-like: Responses should be brief, informative, friendly, and firm (following the BIFF method from the High Conflict Institute).
• Seeking third-party assistance: When necessary, professionals such as mediators, attorneys, or parenting coordinators may need to be involved to facilitate communication.

Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. 

A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. 

Conclusion

Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children.

Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:

• Triad Moms on Main blog post from 2020: “Co-parenting or parallel parenting for divorced parents?”
• Chapter 7 on parenting in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, published by Routledge in 2021