The Subtle Tricks and Tactics Abusers Often Use

By Christine Murray

People who perpetrate abuse in intimate relationships often use a variety of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners. Some of these are blatant and severe - such as using physical violence, sexual assault, or blatantly abusive and harmful words to diminish their partners.

Whether or not these blatant forms of abuse are present, there is often an underlying pattern of subtle tricks or tactics that abusers often use to create the context for their abuse. In today’s post, we’ll explore some of these tactics, which often overlap with behaviors that could be considered emotionally, verbally, and/or psychologically abusive. 

Keep in mind that every person’s experiences are unique, and the abuse tactics that are present in abusive relationships can vary widely. The behaviors that are listed below are only a starting point for recognizing patterns of abuse that may have impacted you if you’re a survivor, or someone you’re supporting, such as if you’ve got a friend or family member who has experienced an abusive relationship. 

Let’s take a look at some of these patterns:

Manipulation: Abusers often manipulate through kindness, using compliments or gifts as tools for manipulation.

Generating Conflict: Abusers thrive on conflict, stirring up fights or escalating minor issues into major battles.

Avoiding Responsibility: Abusers typically refuse to take responsibility for their actions, blaming others or denying the harm they cause.

Passive-Aggression: They may express aggression indirectly, using tones or behaviors to convey hostility.

Invalidating Feelings: Abusers often disregard others' emotions, dismissing them as invalid or "too sensitive."

Cruel Criticism: They resort to hurtful criticisms or put-downs, targeting sensitive areas to inflict maximum pain.

Gaslighting and Undermining Your Reality: Abusers distort reality, denying events or emotions to undermine their victim's perception.

Boundary Violations: They disregard boundaries, crossing emotional, behavioral, or physical lines repeatedly.

Draining Your Energy: Interactions with abusers leave victims feeling emotionally and physically drained.

Withholding Positivity: Abusers withhold positive attention, neglecting emotional needs and creating a void in the relationship.

Interfering in Relationships: They may interfere in their partners’ relationships, isolating them and/or damaging their connections.

Recognizing these patterns is important for understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships. While all relationships face challenges, abuse goes beyond typical conflicts. Abusers typically resist change, refuse accountability, and create overwhelmingly confusing and negative environments.

If you recognize the patterns above - or others that have a similar vibe or feel even if they're note listed - consider seeking additional support to evaluate your experiences and consider how to promote your own safety or the safety of a survivor you're supporting.