The Basics of Self-Soothing as a Tool Along Your Healing Journey

By Christine Murray

Emotions during the healing process from an abusive relationship can be overwhelmingly intense. I know this from my healing journey as a survivor, as well as through my work in the mental health and domestic violence fields. 

As a mental health professional, I'm an advocate for seeking professional support, such as counseling and crisis hotlines, as a helpful strategy for support with navigating intense emotions. Having professional support to consider how to personalize and apply general tools (like self-soothing, which I’ll cover in today’s post) to your unique circumstances also can be incredibly beneficial.

While seeking support from professionals and compassionate loved ones is helpful, developing the capacity to self-soothe during the healing journey is very valuable as well. Intense emotional reactions are natural responses to the trauma of abusive relationships, so it’s understandable why powerful (and at times, distressing) emotions can be part of the healing process.

Self-soothing can be a key tool in managing our intense emotions, as it helps to create more inner peace, clarity in our decisions, and progress toward healing. Self-soothing, in essence, refers to strategies, tools, and skills used during moments of intense, often uncomfortable emotions that lead to mental, emotional, or physical distress. Let's explore some practical ways to incorporate self-soothing into our healing toolkits as survivors of abusive relationships:

1. Set Reminders to Keep Self-Soothing Top of Mind: Start by integrating reminders into your daily life to keep the fact that you have self-soothing tools at your disposal. These can be notes on your mirror or phone, affirming your ability to self-soothe during moments of emotional intensity. It’s helpful to set the stage for self-soothing tools to be readily available when you need them the most.
2. Recognize Your Unique Distress Signals: Learn to identify your mental, emotional, and physical cues of distress. These signals can include racing thoughts, extreme worries, changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, or heightened physical tension. Some of these signals of stress are common for everyone, but most of us likely have patterns in how we tend to respond to stressful emotions and situations. When you can recognize your own signals as soon as possible, you can start to apply your self-soothing tools to offer comfort and relief as soon as possible. 
3. Discover What Self-Soothing Approaches Work Best (And Good Enough) for You: Experiment with various self-soothing techniques to determine what resonates best with you. It could be journaling, reaching out to a friend, engaging in physical activity, practicing deep breathing, or finding solace in music or nature. It’s helpful to have some primary self-soothing strategies that you know work best for you--For me, this is often taking a long walk outside as a way to release physical tension. And, it also can be helpful to have some other secondary self-soothing tools that can be used when you can’t easily use your main self-soothing tools. For example, if walking is your main go-to self-soothing tool, it’s likely not a practical one to use if you’re experiencing nighttime distress when you’re trying to sleep, so having other tools (e.g., relaxation breathing or journaling) to use as a backup can be wise.
4. Practice Consistently: Regularly practice your chosen self-soothing methods, especially during periods of lower stress. This familiarity will make it easier to implement these tools during heightened emotional states. It may help to think about building up your self-soothing skills like working out - it can take time to build up strength and endurance physically, and so building your self-soothing “muscles” also can take time and practice. 
5. Be Gentle with Yourself: Understand that self-soothing strategies may not always alleviate intense emotions. It's okay to seek additional support from professionals, crisis hotlines, or trusted individuals during particularly challenging times. We all face moments when our emotions can feel overwhelming or like it’s “too much” for us to bear at any time. Practice self-compassion in those moments, and seek out the additional support and resources you need as you process intense emotions.

Integrating self-soothing into the healing journey can empower survivors with valuable tools to navigate intense emotions effectively. Remember, it takes a healthy balance of self-reliance and seeking support from others that can lead to our overall healing.

In the comments below, I invite you to share your insights on self-soothing and other supportive concepts that survivors can use along their healing journeys. Your contributions enrich our Source for Survivors community and offer valuable support to fellow survivors.

Healing from abusive relationships is a complex and emotional process. The Source for Survivors remains committed to providing valuable support and addressing topics that matter to our community. We welcome your suggestions for future blog topics as we continue this journey together.