Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser

By Christine Murray

Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to see or interact with your abuser again? For some survivors, this is possible, and going no-contact is often recommended in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. 

However, for many survivors, going completely no-contact is simply not possible. For example, survivors may share custody of children with their abuser. Or, they may live in a small community where avoiding someone can be difficult, if not impossible. It’s also possible that survivors may face interactions with their abusers, such as if they share mutual friends or have some interactions due to work responsibilities. 

And, even when survivors do all they can to avoid interacting with their abusers, many abusers are quite persistent in trying to stay in communication and may reach out via phone, text, email, and other means. (Of course, if you are facing ongoing safety risks due to stalking, harassment, and other ongoing forms of abuse, consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and assistance with developing a safety plan.)

If you are in a position where you are likely to face in-person or other interactions with your abuser, this can be a very frustrating and distressing position to be in. It may not be possible to avoid all the distress that can come with interacting with your abuser. However, it is possible to take steps to prepare yourself for this interaction to help buffer yourself and promote your emotional well-being, even amid this potentially distressing situation. 

You can help yourself set and maintain boundaries to prepare in advance when you are heading into an interaction with your abuser. Of course, sometimes encounters with the other person will take you by surprise, so you may not always be able to prepare in advance for interactions with your abuser. However, there are likely many times you’ll be dealing with them that you know that interaction is coming. Practice the following advanced preparation strategies to determine which ones work well for you.

Mental preparations are important when anticipating an encounter with your former abuser. Consider starting by setting an intention or reciting a positive affirmation to establish a constructive mindset before the interaction. It can also be helpful to rehearse any key points you want to communicate, thinking through how to express them respectfully and clearly. This mental rehearsal can include preparing for how you might respond if the other person treats you with disrespect or reverts to abusive words or actions. By mentally equipping yourself with these strategies, you can enter the interaction with greater confidence and clarity.

Physical preparations are also important, as your body’s response to stress can significantly impact how you handle the situation. Taking deep, calming breaths can help center you, reducing anxiety and grounding you in the moment. Engaging in a quick burst of physical exercise, such as a brisk walk or a few jumping jacks, can also help to release nervous energy and calm your mind and body. These physical preparations not only help you manage immediate stress but also empower you to approach the interaction with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor.

Emotional preparations include giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise before, during, and after the interaction. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and to focus on regulating them as best as you can. By practicing emotional regulation, you increase your ability to maintain composure, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively to any harmful words or actions that your abuser uses. This self-awareness and emotional preparation can help you navigate the interaction with greater resilience and self-compassion.

Lastly, social preparations can provide an additional layer of support. If possible, consider involving a trusted person, such as a friend or family member, who can accompany you during the interaction. Their presence can offer reassurance and provide a buffer against the toxicity of any negative interactions. Alternatively, you might arrange to have a support person “on call,” ready to talk to you afterward if you need to process your emotions or seek comfort. This social support can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated and more grounded during and after the encounter.

Once you’ve reviewed the above ideas to prepare in advance for encounters with your abuser, brainstorm other ideas that could work well for you. Also, if you do face distress during or after the interaction, consider ways that you can process your reactions and emotions in a healthy, self-supportive manner. This is also a topic that I’ll plan to cover in an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post, so stay tuned for more information on that. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to review the information I shared in my previous post on the topic of Emotional Regulation.