Parenthood After Abuse: A Tumultuous Journey for Many Survivors

By Christine Murray

A common misconception about abusive relationships is that the abuse ends when the relationship does. Unfortunately, for many survivors, especially those who share children with their former abusers, the journey to healing and safety continues long after the relationship ends. Ongoing abuse, often termed post-separation abuse, can be deeply challenging and requires specific strategies and support, especially for survivors who share children with their abusers.

Understanding the Challenges

Parenting children who are shared with an abuser is a complex and often tumultuous path. If you find yourself in this situation, know that your frustrations and struggles are valid and shared by many survivors. For supporters (such as friends, family members, and professionals), educating yourself on these dynamics is crucial to offering effective support while understanding the unique challenges that impact survivors and their children’s safety and well-being.

The experiences of survivors who share children with their abusers vary widely, influenced by factors such as the number and ages of the children, how ongoing contact is required, court involvement, social support, and more. However, there are many common challenges that survivors might face, highlighting the ongoing impact of abuse even after the relationship ends.

One significant challenge for many survivors is the use of court systems by abusers, especially regarding child custody. Abusers may file frivolous or repeated custody cases, prolonging legal processes, draining resources, and using these avenues to diminish the survivor’s parental role and perpetuate abuse. Survivors navigating this legal minefield often find it traumatic and exhausting, emphasizing the need for robust support systems and ongoing self-care strategies.

Beyond legal battles, survivors parenting with their abusers may face other challenges that include ongoing safety threats, both physical and emotional. Abusers also may use children as pawns to carry out further abuse, making threats or using communications and custody exchanges to harass or intimidate. Parental alienation, where abusers attempt to turn children against the survivor, is another abuse tactic that can harm both the survivor-child relationship and the child’s well-being.

Strategies for Safety and Well-Being

In light of all of these potential challenges, survivors and their supporters can take proactive steps to promote safety and well-being in the context of parenting when children are shared with an abuser.

1. Build a Support Network: Seek comprehensive support, including legal, mental health, and community resources. Whenever possible, connect with other parents who have experienced similar challenges to share insights and strategies.
2. Educate Yourself: Learn about post-separation abuse dynamics and specific challenges related to shared parenting. Knowledge empowers survivors to navigate complex situations more effectively.
3. Prioritize Safety: Take safety concerns seriously and develop a safety plan with the help of trained professionals. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and local domestic violence agencies offer invaluable resources for survivors in crisis.
4. Communicate Strategically: Learn tools like BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) responses, developed by the High Conflict Institute, that may help to manage interactions with an abusive parent. Parallel parenting, focusing on minimal communication and clear boundaries, can also help to navigate high-conflict parenting situations.
5. Focus on Self-Care: Practice self-care consistently, even in challenging circumstances. Engage in activities that promote relaxation, seek therapy or counseling, and set boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
6. Embrace Positive Parenting Moments: Despite the difficulties with the other parent, try to cherish moments of joy and connection with your children. Mindfulness and being present in these moments can provide a respite from stress and reaffirm the bond between you and your children.

Moving Forward with Resilience

Parenting alongside an abusive former partner is undeniably challenging, but it’s possible to navigate this journey with resilience and intentionality. By accessing support, educating yourself, prioritizing your and your children’s safety, using strategic communication strategies, practicing self-care, and celebrating positive moments, you can promote your well-being and that of your children.

While the road ahead may be long, remember that you are not alone. Seek help when needed, connect with supportive communities, and take proactive steps to create a safe and nurturing environment for yourself and your children.

And finally, we know that the topic of parenting when survivors share children with their abusers is a huge one. Fully exploring this topic goes far beyond a single blog post. If you have a specific question or topic related to this subject that you’d like us to consider for a future Source for Survivors blog post, remember that we welcome suggestions through our “What’s On Your Mind?” series. 

You can learn more and submit a question anonymously using the following Google form: https://forms.gle/5iLvZP8KP2o4wcf78. Please keep in mind that we will not be able to provide individual responses to questions submitted here. For the questions we do cover, the guidance offered will be general in nature and designed to address anyone who may be facing a similar question or concern.