Learning to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

By Christine Murray

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, it’s likely you are no stranger to the experience of having your personal boundaries violated. Because abusers are so focused on gaining power and control over their partners, they typically have little regard for honoring and respecting their victims’ boundaries. 

For this reason, many survivors find that a key challenge in healing from an abusive relationship is learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different areas of their lives. This may include navigating interactions with a former abuser, especially in cases of shared custody.

However, the need to set and maintain healthy boundaries can show up in other relationships during the healing process as well. This might include with friends and family members, in the workplace, and in new romantic relationships if and when you’re ready to start dating again. 

If you’re interested in a quick overview of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries, I invite you to check out this YouTube video developed through the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I coordinate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A_4GCAozVk. It’s just a couple of minutes long, but it’s proven to be a popular resource for learning some simple tips about healthy boundaries in relationships.

Setting healthy boundaries is an important step toward fostering healthy relationships in our lives, but it’s not always easy. Effective verbal and nonverbal communication strategies are important for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Once we begin to become clearer about how we want our boundaries to look and feel in our relationships, we need to intentionally communicate those wishes to others. This is especially true if we have been allowing unhealthy boundaries and other dynamics to exist without addressing any concerns previously.

For many people, communicating directly about relationship boundaries can be quite uncomfortable. It may feel demanding or uncomfortable to be speaking so directly about our own needs in relationships. Therefore, it is important to reflect on communication strategies that feel as comfortable as possible to you and that reflect your preferred language and communication style. This includes both verbal (i.e., speaking directly with the other person using words) and nonverbal (i.e., your body language, as well as unspoken actions like not answering the phone if someone calls you later than you’ve asked them to stop calling) communication strategies. 

Once you’ve communicated your boundaries to others, it’s important to stay alert and be proactive about addressing any potential boundary violations that may occur. When another person violates your boundaries, this can give rise to a lot of powerful emotions and thoughts. It is important to take time to process these responses so that you can take care of yourself while also figuring out the healthiest possible way to respond and move forward. 

Below, you will find a series of questions that you can use to process your feelings, thoughts, and experiences in the aftermath of a boundary violation. For now, think of one recent example of a boundary violation you faced, and answer the questions. You can return to the same set of questions to help process any future boundary violations you may face as well. 

• Begin by briefly reviewing the boundary violation. What happened that made you realize your boundaries were violated?
• What emotions came up for you as a result of this boundary violation experience?
• How did this boundary violation impact your thoughts, including your attention and ability to focus, as well as the way you think about yourself and others?
• Were there any ways you experienced stress or tension from the boundary violation in your body (e.g., muscle tension, nervousness)? If so, list them here.
• What is one self-care strategy you can use to work through lingering upset feelings or other negative impacts from the boundary violation?
• Moving forward, what steps can you take to continue to build healthier boundaries in different relationships in your life?

Overall, clear, healthy boundaries are so critical for the overall health of our relationships. Most likely, if you have faced an abusive relationship, you know the pain and drama that can arise when another person violates your boundaries, as well as how difficult it can be to set and maintain a healthy boundary with a difficult person. 

It can take time to learn effective strategies to set and maintain healthy boundaries in different relationships in our lives. Remember, you are worthy of safe, healthy relationships. With time, you can continue developing the skills and tools needed to nurture them on your healing journey.