How the “Good Times” (or Even the Neutral Ones) Add to the Confusion of Abusive Relationships

By Christine Murray

Abusive relationships can be very confusing, from both the inside (i.e., for victims and survivors) and the outside looking in (i.e., for personal and professional supporters of victims and survivors). There are many reasons for this confusion, including trying to make sense of the internal motivation of abusers, navigating all of the emotions and stress that arise during the relationship, logistical factors like finances, and aiming to make clear decisions in the midst of a very unclear set of circumstances. 

For victims and survivors, confusion can show up as uncertainty about what to do and whether to leave their abusive partners, feelings of shame and stigma about telling others about the abuse, and difficulty sorting through mixed emotions about one’s relationship, partner, and even oneself. 

From the outside looking in, supporters may feel confused about why a victim is not leaving their abusive partner and difficulty reconciling a (possibly positive) image of the abuser with the realities of their harmful reactions. 

From my own personal experiences and my observations through my work, I believe that there is a common misconception about abusive relationships that adds significantly to the confusion surrounding abusive relationships. The common misconception is the idea that abusive relationships are always bad. Even the term “abusive relationship” implies that these relationships are defined by the abuse. Now, I believe it is important to define and name abuse when it is happening. On the other hand, I also think it’s important to acknowledge that there can be periods of time in which even abusive relationships feel like they are “good” or even neutral.

The dynamic nature of abusive relationships is well-understood as part of the Cycle of Violence, which identifies at least 3 key phases of abusive patterns: the honeymoon phase, the tension-building phase, and the explosion phase. Learning about these phases and the overall Cycle of Violence can be eye-opening for many survivors, although not all relationships follow these phases in the same way. In addition, the phases in this cycle often change over time, especially as violence and abuse become deeply entrenched in a relationship.

“Good times” in abusive relationships might be part of a honeymoon phase, meaning they might reflect periods of time following incidents of abuse in which an abuser is on their best behavior and trying to get back in the good graces of the victim or survivor. On the other hand, I’ve come to believe there is also the potential for “good times” and even neutral times (i.e., those that a victim wouldn’t necessarily describe as good or bad) to occur in ways that may not align directly with the Cycle of Violence. Sometimes, “good” and neutral times can last for an extended period of time, perhaps months or even years on end. (I put “good times” in quotes because I think it’s questionable whether these good times might be part of broader manipulation patterns in abusive relationships.)

In my personal experience in my own past abusive relationship, the “good” and neutral times were a major added source of confusion about my overall experiences in the relationship. There were certainly periods of time in that relationship that were very clearly bad and abusive. On the other hand, sometimes even after these times, there would be periods of relative calm. I would be left wondering, “Maybe this relationship is not all that bad? Maybe I was overreacting? Maybe he didn’t mean it and will change so that his harmful behavior won’t happen again?” Often, the periods of relative calm would emerge without much fanfare, and typically, there was no formal apology or acknowledgement of harm on the part of my abuser that marked the start of these periods. Rather, I would just sort of notice that it didn’t feel as bad as it had been feeling earlier, when it was a more active abuse phase. 

I can speak from personal experience when I say how confusing these “good” or neutral times were to my overall experiences in that abusive relationship. I’m certain they led me to stay in the relationship a lot longer than I might have otherwise, had these times not added to my confusion about what to do about the relationship. It helped me to realize that, even though there were times when my relationship was “not that bad,” this did not take away from the fact that abuse was a very present and real part of my experience in that relationship.

Every victim’s and survivor’s experiences within abusive relationships are unique. There are definitely some survivors for whom there have never been any good (or even neutral) experiences within their relationships. Even still, for those for whom “good” and neutral periods of time have added to their confusion about their relationships, there can be a lot of power in knowing that they’re not alone in these experiences. 

If you’ve faced confusion about the dynamics of an abusive relationship because it was not 100% abusive or bad, 100% of the time, know that you are not alone. Likewise, know that you’re not alone if “good” or neutral times in the relationship contributed to any mixed feelings you had about the relationship and your partner. 

Honor your feelings and experiences, and continue to process and validate them on your own and with the support of trusted professionals or loved ones. Trust that even in the midst of confusion, you are building the strength and insight needed to move forward on your own terms.