Doing the Things You Don’t Want to Do Along the Healing Journey

By Christine Murray

So many parts of adulthood require us to do things we’d rather not do, such as paying bills, scheduling doctor appointments, cleaning, or doing laundry. Life as a responsible adult certainly isn’t always fun and games, and it can be grueling at times.

For survivors of abusive relationships, however, the “things we don’t want to do” category can be even more intense and emotionally draining. Facing a court date, communicating with an abusive ex-partner about custody issues, or taking extra time to document harassment are all examples of tasks that may feel overwhelming and distressing but, unfortunately, are sometimes unavoidable parts of the healing journey.

Because these situations can’t always be avoided, it’s helpful to plan ahead and approach them with as much support and intentionality as possible. Below are some ideas for getting through challenging situations in ways that can promote healing and reduce unnecessary stress.

Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions: When something feels painful or unfair, it’s natural for strong emotions to arise. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, whether that’s anger, sadness, fear, frustration, or exhaustion. Try not to dismiss your feelings or pressure yourself into “just staying positive” when you’re hurting. Journaling, therapy, or naming your emotions aloud can be healthy ways to process your feelings.

Surround Yourself with Trusted Supporters: You don’t have to face hard moments alone. Reach out to people you trust, such as close friends, family members, an advocate, or a counselor, and let them know what you’re going through. Trusted supporters can listen without judgment, help you plan practical steps, and remind you of your strength when you need encouragement.

Prepare and Practice: If you know you’ll need to face a difficult situation, such as communicating with your abuser or appearing in court, rehearsing possible scenarios can help you feel more confident in the moment. As much as possible, role-play what you might say, plan for how you’ll respond if something upsetting happens, and identify strategies to promote your composure and safety.

Keep the Big Picture in Mind: When you’re in the middle of something difficult, it can be easy to lose sight of why you’re doing it. Try to zoom out and remember your bigger goals. For example, spending time documenting your abuser’s ongoing harassment might feel burdensome, but that documentation could help protect a survivor legally or emotionally in the long run in court proceedings. Keeping your “why” in focus can help you push through the hard parts with more purpose and clarity.

Lift Yourself Up: Encouragement matters, especially when you’re facing tough situations. Find ways to cheer yourself on. Examples might include posting uplifting quotes where you’ll see them, playing a favorite song that boosts your confidence, saying a prayer, or repeating a positive affirmation. These small acts of self-encouragement can help you approach difficult tasks with greater self-assurance.

Reflect and Decompress Afterward: Once you’ve made it through the hard thing, take time to pause and reflect. What did you learn about yourself? How did you grow? Even if the experience was painful or uncomfortable, notice ways you showed up with courage and integrity. Afterward, do something that feels self-supporting, like taking a walk, spending time with someone who makes you laugh, or doing a hobby that you find to be creative or relaxing.

Conclusion

Healing from past abuse often involves facing challenges that feel unfair, unwanted, and tiring. But each time you take one of these difficult steps, you’re proving your strength and your commitment to your safety and well-being. Even when the healing process feels difficult, remind yourself that you are capable, strong, and worthy of healing and wholeness.