Building a Healthy Relationship After an Abusive One: The Importance of Going Slow

By Christine Murray

Entering into a new intimate relationship after leaving an abusive one can be both exciting and overwhelming. Survivors of abuse often face a mix of hope for something new and fears about repeating past patterns. The lingering impact of past trauma may lead to trust issues, self-doubt, and the need for heightened caution. While the desire for love and connection remains strong, it’s important to approach new relationships with care, intentionality, and patience.

Healing from an abusive relationship takes time, and part of that healing involves learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone new--if and when a new relationship is of interest to you. Going slow is a key part of this process. A healthy relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself time to assess whether the new person in your life truly respects your boundaries, values your well-being, and is worthy of your trust.

Here are some important tips to keep in mind as you navigate this journey of building a healthy relationship after experiencing abuse:

1. Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person

Healthy relationships take time to establish. In the beginning stages of a new relationship, it's common for people to put their best selves forward. This is a natural part of dating, but it means that it may take time before you see the person's true character. Going slow gives you space to observe how they handle stress, conflict, or difficult emotions—all of which can be key indicators of their potential for a healthy long-term relationship with you.

Start by focusing on casual, lighthearted topics. You can ask open-ended questions that allow you to get to know the other person’s interests and values, such as:

•     “What kind of activities do you enjoy in your free time?”
•     “Do you have any long-term goals or dreams?”
•     “What do you value most in friendships or relationships?”

Over time, as you feel more comfortable, you can gradually move toward more personal and deeper topics. This approach allows you to build trust at a pace that feels safe for you, without feeling rushed or pressured.

2. Pay Attention to Red Flags and Trust Your Instincts

After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often develop heightened intuition about red flags that could signal unhealthy dynamics. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If the new person in your life starts diving too quickly into deeply personal topics, it’s important to slow things down. If they push for details you’re not ready to share, remember that you have the right to set boundaries.

It’s okay to say, “I’d prefer to wait before we talk about that,” or give a brief, general answer if you’re not ready to open up fully. A respectful partner will understand and honor your boundaries.

Additionally, be cautious if someone tries to control the pace of the relationship or makes you feel guilty for not moving faster. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and patience, not pressure or coercion. Pay attention to how they respond to your need for space. If they become frustrated or dismissive, it could be a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being.

3. Test the Waters to See if They Are Worthy of Your Trust

When beginning a new relationship, it’s natural to want to share parts of yourself with the other person, but it’s helpful to start with smaller “tests” of trust. Share some personal information that feels comfortable—maybe a past experience or a lighter aspect of your life—and observe how they respond. Do they handle your vulnerability with care? Do they respect your privacy and keep your information to themselves?

If you find out that they’ve shared your personal details with others without your consent, that’s a serious red flag. Trust is earned over time, and a partner who respects your boundaries and confidentiality is more likely to be someone you can trust with deeper parts of yourself as the relationship grows.

4. Check In With Yourself Regularly

Building a new relationship is not just about learning who the other person is; it’s also about staying in tune with your own feelings and boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to assess how you feel about the pace of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable with how things are progressing? Or do you feel like it’s moving too fast or too slow for your liking?

If you notice that the relationship is moving at a pace that makes you uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Is the other person pushing for more than you’re ready to give? Are there external pressures influencing the speed of the relationship? It’s okay to take a step back, slow things down, or even take a break if needed. Your well-being and emotional safety should always come first.

5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

One of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is clear and open communication about boundaries. It’s healthy to set boundaries early on and be direct about what you’re comfortable with—whether it’s the pace of physical intimacy, the frequency of communication, or the level of emotional sharing.

Emotionally mature partners will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries without hesitation. A good relationship is built on mutual respect, and this respect should extend to every aspect of your connection with each other.

6. Allow Yourself to Walk Away if Necessary

Healing from an abusive relationship requires you to reclaim your sense of agency and power over your life. That includes allowing yourself to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t feel right.

It can be difficult to end a relationship, even when there are signs of trouble, especially if you have developed some feelings of affection for the other person. You may feel pressure to make things work or worry about how hard it will be to find another relationship. But it’s important to remember that your safety and emotional health are the top priority. If a relationship is making you uncomfortable or bringing up red flags, it’s okay to step back or even walk away completely.

Conclusion: Healing Takes Time, and So Does Building Healthy Relationships

After surviving an abusive relationship, the path to healing—and finding love again—can feel uncertain and daunting. But it’s also an opportunity to build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and care. By moving slowly, setting clear boundaries, and trusting your instincts, you give yourself the space to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

As you move forward, remember that there’s no rush. Healing is not linear, and neither is the journey toward a new relationship. Take your time, listen to your inner voice, and be kind to yourself. The right relationship will honor your pace, respect your boundaries, and support your ongoing healing journey.