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By Christine Murray
Today is New Year’s Eve, and as we step into 2025, I invite you to let yourself dream about the year ahead. For many survivors of abuse, allowing space to dream of brighter days can be challenging. The healing journey is often a long, winding road filled with moments of frustration and setbacks. Abuse may have left you feeling disconnected from your goals, interests, and confidence, making the idea of “dreaming” feel daunting or even impossible. Abusers frequently use emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse tactics to undermine victims’ and survivors’ self-worth, which can make dreaming for the future seem out of reach. Your abuser may have even mocked the dreams you shared with them, leading you to hide your dreams deeply away in your heart. During the abusive relationship, you may have even abandoned your dreams altogether. Many survivors, especially early on in the healing process, feel hesitant or blocked from planning for positive changes in their lives. Even if you’ve found it difficult to dream lately, the start of a new year can be an opportunity to reflect on what you want for your life. Perhaps this is the time you’ve been waiting for to set new intentions, big or small, for your path ahead. Whether you choose to set resolutions or simply allow yourself to hope and plan for positive changes ahead, your dreams are worthy of being heard, honored, and explored. Consider this a gentle invitation to reflect on what kind of dreams you might have for 2025. Your dreams don’t have to be grand or life-altering to make a difference. Small steps count, too. Perhaps you envision moving a bit further along in your healing journey. This might mean connecting with a counselor, opening up to a trusted friend, or carving out time in your schedule for regular self-care. Maybe you’re interested in dreaming of other changes in your life, such as searching for a new job, entering the dating world, or building new friendships or hobbies. Let your dreams be as unique as you are! If dreaming feels difficult, try setting aside quiet time for reflection or journaling. Here are some questions to help you get started:
Creating a vision board is also a fun way to bring your dreams to life visually, allowing you to see and revisit them throughout the year. And if journaling isn’t your style, consider sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, counselor, or coach. Let the start of this new year be a fresh beginning and the start of a new chapter in your life. Allow yourself the permission to dream. However big or small, these dreams are a powerful expression of hope for what lies ahead. You deserve a future that feels safe, fulfilling, and joyful. So, as you welcome 2025, embrace your dreams and take steps, one by one, toward making them a reality.
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By Christine Murray
The end of 2024 will be here in one week. When one year ends and another begins, we have an opportunity to reflect on the year behind us and what we hope for the next year to come. In this week’s Pathway for Survivors Blog post, I’m going to share some thoughts on the importance of making space for year-end reflections, especially for those of us along the journey of healing from past abuse. Next week, my post will focus on taking a look ahead as 2025 gets underway. If it would be helpful to you, I invite you to create some space in your life during the last days of 2024 to reflect on your experiences this past year. Creating space for reflection might look like spending time journaling, talking with a counselor or trusted friend, or even just going for a long walk and spending time with your thoughts and emotions. Making space for reflection is a valuable practice for survivors of abusive relationships. In fact, I believe reflection is such an important part of the healing journey that I included it as one of the 6 Commitments in the Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model. As I shared in that original blog post: Some of the steps you’ll take as you work on your healing from past abuse will have amazing results! They will help you grow, overcome limiting beliefs, connect with social support, and/or feel stronger. However, there will be other steps you’ll attempt that don’t feel like they help you very much, and sometimes you may even feel like they set you back. All of this is part of the complicated journey of recovering from past abuse. Because this journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection so you can figure out what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by trusted people in your support network as well) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. We can engage in self-reflection at any time of the year, and it can be helpful to set aside regular time for reflection, such as once a month or once a week. However, the end of a year can be an especially powerful time for self-reflection. There’s something concrete about a full calendar year ending that offers a useful timeline for reflecting back on all of our experiences during the year. This includes the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and even the so-so times we may have even forgotten! Below are some questions that may be useful if you’d like to use the end of the year as a time for self-reflection:
It’s possible that you’ll experience strong emotions as you reflect on this past year. Remember to practice self-soothing strategies and continue to develop emotion-regulation skills as you process these emotions. Consider reaching out for support from a mental health professional if you think it would help to discuss these experiences or emotions with a trained professional. Personally, 2024 has been a pretty wild ride for me! There have been some very positive changes - including starting a new job and, of course, launching The Source for Survivors back in January. On the other hand, I’ve also faced some challenges and lots of stress, both in my work and in my personal life. As I reflect on my own experiences in 2024, there are some things I sort of wish I could go back and change, but I also can appreciate that even the hard times can become opportunities for new insights and personal growth. If you carve out a little space for self-reflection as 2024 comes to a close, I hope you will discover that you gained new strength this year, even if that strength was hard-earned through some challenging times. I also hope that you will reflect on your progress and growth along your healing journey. The healing journey is not an easy, linear path, so your progress may look like a few steps forward, a few back, and perhaps even a few that felt like you were going sideways or spinning in circles! I wish you the best for a calm, restorative end to this year, and I thank you for being a part of the Source for Survivors community! By Christine Murray
For much of my life, I have been the kind of person who likes to get things done. Completing a task, reaching a goal, or seeing an end product come together has always brought me a deep sense of satisfaction. In truth, that satisfaction usually has been wrapped up with equal parts of relief because I also often felt a lot of (mostly self-imposed) pressure to reach the outcome I’d been striving for. Although there will always be a part of me that focuses on goals and outcomes, something I’ve been focusing on in recent years has been to enjoy the process along the way toward those goals and outcomes. As a goal-oriented person, learning to embrace the processes in life has not come easily or naturally to me. But it’s been a valuable opportunity for growth as I’ve aimed to focus more on staying mindful and grateful in the moment, whether or not I’ve got any tangible outcomes to show for it at any given point in time. Embracing being a work-in-progress is a valuable way to approach the healing journey as a survivor of an abusive relationship as well. I’ve written before on this Pathway for Survivors Blog about how I’ve questioned, “What is the end game?” when it comes to my healing journey. As I wrote in that post: “The further along I’ve gotten in my healing journey, the more I wonder if ‘completing’ healing is even the point. I suspect this is something that differs from person to person. Some of us may feel like we can totally finish the process of personal healing, whereas others may view it as a lifelong process to manage and navigate, rather than to completely finish.” There have been a few helpful mindset shifts I’ve had to make to help me embrace a work-in-progress approach to healing and in life overall. These include the following:
Healing from an abusive relationship can take time. I wish I had a magic wand to suddenly erase all of the pain and challenges along the healing journey for myself and all other survivors. Because that magic wand doesn’t exist, we can best support ourselves and each other by allowing ourselves to embrace being works-in-progress. Healing isn’t usually a straight line, and it’s not a race. It’s a journey of patience, resilience, and self-compassion. So, as you continue on your path, remember that each step forward is a meaningful part of your progress. By embracing yourself as a work-in-progress, you’re choosing to honor your growth, your healing, and the strength you’re building along the way. By Christine Murray
Entering into a new intimate relationship after leaving an abusive one can be both exciting and overwhelming. Survivors of abuse often face a mix of hope for something new and fears about repeating past patterns. The lingering impact of past trauma may lead to trust issues, self-doubt, and the need for heightened caution. While the desire for love and connection remains strong, it’s important to approach new relationships with care, intentionality, and patience. Healing from an abusive relationship takes time, and part of that healing involves learning how to build a healthy relationship with someone new--if and when a new relationship is of interest to you. Going slow is a key part of this process. A healthy relationship doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to give yourself time to assess whether the new person in your life truly respects your boundaries, values your well-being, and is worthy of your trust. Here are some important tips to keep in mind as you navigate this journey of building a healthy relationship after experiencing abuse: 1. Take Time to Get to Know the Other Person Healthy relationships take time to establish. In the beginning stages of a new relationship, it's common for people to put their best selves forward. This is a natural part of dating, but it means that it may take time before you see the person's true character. Going slow gives you space to observe how they handle stress, conflict, or difficult emotions—all of which can be key indicators of their potential for a healthy long-term relationship with you. Start by focusing on casual, lighthearted topics. You can ask open-ended questions that allow you to get to know the other person’s interests and values, such as:
Over time, as you feel more comfortable, you can gradually move toward more personal and deeper topics. This approach allows you to build trust at a pace that feels safe for you, without feeling rushed or pressured. 2. Pay Attention to Red Flags and Trust Your Instincts After leaving an abusive relationship, survivors often develop heightened intuition about red flags that could signal unhealthy dynamics. Trust your instincts when something feels off. If the new person in your life starts diving too quickly into deeply personal topics, it’s important to slow things down. If they push for details you’re not ready to share, remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “I’d prefer to wait before we talk about that,” or give a brief, general answer if you’re not ready to open up fully. A respectful partner will understand and honor your boundaries. Additionally, be cautious if someone tries to control the pace of the relationship or makes you feel guilty for not moving faster. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and patience, not pressure or coercion. Pay attention to how they respond to your need for space. If they become frustrated or dismissive, it could be a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being. 3. Test the Waters to See if They Are Worthy of Your Trust When beginning a new relationship, it’s natural to want to share parts of yourself with the other person, but it’s helpful to start with smaller “tests” of trust. Share some personal information that feels comfortable—maybe a past experience or a lighter aspect of your life—and observe how they respond. Do they handle your vulnerability with care? Do they respect your privacy and keep your information to themselves? If you find out that they’ve shared your personal details with others without your consent, that’s a serious red flag. Trust is earned over time, and a partner who respects your boundaries and confidentiality is more likely to be someone you can trust with deeper parts of yourself as the relationship grows. 4. Check In With Yourself Regularly Building a new relationship is not just about learning who the other person is; it’s also about staying in tune with your own feelings and boundaries. Regularly check in with yourself to assess how you feel about the pace of the relationship. Do you feel comfortable with how things are progressing? Or do you feel like it’s moving too fast or too slow for your liking? If you notice that the relationship is moving at a pace that makes you uncomfortable, take a moment to reflect on why that might be. Is the other person pushing for more than you’re ready to give? Are there external pressures influencing the speed of the relationship? It’s okay to take a step back, slow things down, or even take a break if needed. Your well-being and emotional safety should always come first. 5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly One of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship is clear and open communication about boundaries. It’s healthy to set boundaries early on and be direct about what you’re comfortable with—whether it’s the pace of physical intimacy, the frequency of communication, or the level of emotional sharing. Emotionally mature partners will appreciate your honesty and respect your boundaries without hesitation. A good relationship is built on mutual respect, and this respect should extend to every aspect of your connection with each other. 6. Allow Yourself to Walk Away if Necessary Healing from an abusive relationship requires you to reclaim your sense of agency and power over your life. That includes allowing yourself to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t feel right. It can be difficult to end a relationship, even when there are signs of trouble, especially if you have developed some feelings of affection for the other person. You may feel pressure to make things work or worry about how hard it will be to find another relationship. But it’s important to remember that your safety and emotional health are the top priority. If a relationship is making you uncomfortable or bringing up red flags, it’s okay to step back or even walk away completely. Conclusion: Healing Takes Time, and So Does Building Healthy Relationships After surviving an abusive relationship, the path to healing—and finding love again—can feel uncertain and daunting. But it’s also an opportunity to build a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and care. By moving slowly, setting clear boundaries, and trusting your instincts, you give yourself the space to build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship. As you move forward, remember that there’s no rush. Healing is not linear, and neither is the journey toward a new relationship. Take your time, listen to your inner voice, and be kind to yourself. The right relationship will honor your pace, respect your boundaries, and support your ongoing healing journey. |
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