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By Christine Murray
As Thanksgiving week is here in the United States, the holiday season is officially upon us. While this time of year can bring joy and celebration, for survivors of abusive relationships, it can also stir up complicated emotions. The pressures and expectations of the holidays—often focused on family and togetherness—can sometimes heighten feelings of sadness, disappointment, or loneliness, especially if parts of your life aren’t where you wish them to be. The holiday season can also simply be overwhelming, whether or not people have any experiences of abuse. The busyness of events, gatherings, and tasks on our calendars can make it difficult to find moments of peace and calm. For some of us, this time of year may even bring back painful memories of abuse that happened around the holidays, which can make navigating this season especially challenging. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Many survivors find the holidays to be emotionally complex, and it’s important to recognize that there are steps you can take to care for yourself during this time. Here are six strategies that may help: 1. Prioritize Self-Care It’s easy for self-care to fall by the wayside when life gets busy, especially during the holiday season. While you may not have as much time as usual, it’s still important to make space for small moments of self-care. This could be as simple as taking a short walk, doing some light stretching, journaling, or simply setting aside a little time to relax. If possible, try to focus on the basics—like getting enough sleep, nourishing your body, and finding ways to manage stress. Even small acts of self-care can make a big difference in helping you feel more grounded during this hectic time. 2. Set and Honor Boundaries The holiday season often comes with many invitations, obligations, and expectations. It’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries. It’s okay to decline invitations to events that don’t feel right for you, and it’s equally okay to set limits on interactions with others. Whether it’s deciding how long to stay at a gathering or setting boundaries around what topics you’re comfortable discussing, allow yourself to protect your emotional well-being. Honor your needs, and be proactive in communicating those boundaries to others. 3. Acknowledge and Process Your Emotions The holidays can bring up a wide range of emotions, from grief and loss to frustration and exhaustion. It’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings instead of ignoring or suppressing them. As a survivor, you may have been made to feel that your emotions weren’t valid during your abusive relationship. Now, it’s time to honor your feelings and give yourself space to experience them. Checking in with yourself throughout the day can help—ask yourself how you’re feeling and what you might need to process those emotions in a healthy way. 4. Recognize and Navigate Triggers For some survivors, the holiday season may bring up memories or experiences that are tied to past abuse. Whether it’s a specific event or a particular holiday tradition that’s connected to painful memories, recognizing potential triggers can help you prepare for and manage them. If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered, remind yourself that it’s okay to take steps to protect your peace. Consider reading our previous blog post on navigating triggers for more guidance on how to cope. 5. Create New Traditions If old holiday traditions are connected to difficult memories, or if your life has changed due to ending an abusive relationship, it may be time to create new traditions that feel more aligned with your healing journey. These new traditions could involve spending time with supportive friends or family members or even carving out moments of solitude for yourself. Whether it’s visiting a favorite coffee shop for a quiet reflection or spending time doing something that brings you peace, focus on building new traditions that nurture your body, mind, and spirit. 6. Let the Holidays Be What They Need to Be for You Finally, permit yourself to let the holidays unfold in whatever way feels right for you this year. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to celebrate. Maybe this is a year where you keep things minimal, or perhaps it’s a year where you decide to do something completely different. It’s okay to acknowledge that you might not feel joyful or festive, and that’s perfectly understandable. Healing and reclaiming your sense of self during the holidays is a process, and it’s important to give yourself grace and patience as you navigate this season. Conclusion The holidays can be a difficult time for many people, especially for survivors of abusive relationships. If you find yourself struggling with difficult emotions or memories during this time, remember that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Take care of yourself, set boundaries that protect your well-being, seek help and support as needed, and let the holidays be what they need to be for you this year. Above all, be kind to yourself as you navigate this season.
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By Christine Murray
Healing from an abusive relationship is often a challenging and complex journey. Survivors of intimate partner violence may face numerous obstacles that can make the healing process difficult. The aftermath of abuse can leave emotional scars, and the path to recovery is not always straightforward. Yet, despite these difficulties, healing is not only possible—it is within reach for every survivor. One of the reasons that healing from abuse is difficult is the many ways that the trauma of abuse can impact survivors’ lives. Survivors may have difficulty trusting others after someone so close to them has hurt them. They may also face ongoing emotional and psychological challenges such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Another reason healing is difficult is because of the isolating nature of abuse. Abusers often use tactics such as manipulation, gaslighting, and control to isolate victims from friends, family members, and other support networks. This isolation can make it hard for survivors to seek help or feel understood by others. Additionally, survivors may experience feelings of shame and guilt, believing that they are to blame for the abuse (especially if their abusers placed blame on them) or that they should have left sooner. Financial dependence on an abuser can also complicate the healing process. Many survivors face economic barriers that make it difficult to leave an abusive relationship or to feel financially secure after leaving. Financial instability can also become a barrier to accessing resources such as therapy, legal assistance, and food and housing. Despite these common challenges, it is important to remember that healing from abuse is possible. Every survivor possesses the strength and resilience to overcome the impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives. While the journey may be tough, there is hope, and there are pathways to recovery. At The Source for Survivors, we aim to empower survivors along their healing journey. One way we do this is through our Pathway for Survivors Model, which provides a framework for understanding the process of recovering from past abuse. This model is built around the following 6 Commitments for Survivors: 1. Commitment to Being Intentional While time alone may heal some wounds, the most powerful approach to healing and recovering from past abuse for many survivors can be found in an intentional healing process. By committing to being intentional, you can adopt a hope-filled stance (even on days when hope may be hard to find) that a better life is possible. When you adopt a commitment to being intentional, you also can remind and affirm for yourself that healing is possible, even if you can’t see where the full journey ahead will take you. 2. Commitment to Safety We all deserve to be physically and emotionally safe in all aspects of our lives. If you are a survivor who still faces a threat of harm from your abuser, it can be helpful to build a safety plan with the support of a trained professional. Other ways to promote your emotional safety during your healing process include building coping strategies, moving at a comfortable pace, and taking good care of yourself through ongoing self-care. 3. Commitment to a Long-Range Perspective Healing from abuse can take time. Practice patience while you go through the process. Celebrate short-term successes while also keeping your long-term growth and healing in mind. Know that your experiences with the trauma of abuse may continue to impact you throughout your life, but this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you are damaged. Know that you can continue to reach new levels of growth and healing throughout your lifetime. 4. Commitment to Taking Deliberate Steps Forward At times, it may feel overwhelming to think about all the areas of your life in which abuse has impacted you. You don’t have to work on every single area of life at once. Starting with where you are right now, look at different areas of healing you’d like to work toward, and develop tactical, practical strategies for taking action in those areas—perhaps even starting with just one area at a time! The steps you might take could include seeking professional support, getting plenty of rest, searching for learning opportunities, and mapping out goals for changing your habits. 5. Commitment to Regular Reflection Because the healing journey can be so complex, it is wise to put mechanisms in place to help you make time for regular reflection to create time to ponder what is working well, what you may want to modify, and what you may want to stop doing altogether. Self-reflection (often aided by professionals, such as a counselor or your trusted friends or family members) is a valuable tool along the pathway of recovering from past abuse. 6. Commitment to Giving Back (But Only If You Want To!) Committing to giving back and supporting others who are also on a journey to recovery is always entirely optional for survivors. You’re under no obligation to become an advocate, volunteer, community speaker, or any other sort of helper for others who have faced abuse just because you’ve had that experience yourself. However, many survivors of past abuse find that helping others is a strong desire that may help them make meaning of their experiences. There are many ways to do this if you’re interested in giving back as part of your healing journey, such as by helping to raise awareness about the dynamics of abuse in your community or online, sharing your story with others, or simply being there for a friend who is facing similar experiences. Healing from abuse is undoubtedly a difficult journey, but it is one that survivors do not have to walk alone. By committing to these 6 Commitments for Survivors, survivors can find a pathway to recovery rooted in intention, safety, long-term perspective, deliberate action, reflection, and community support. In conclusion, while the path to healing from abuse is filled with challenges, it is also filled with possibilities. Every step taken towards recovery is a testament to each survivor's strength and resilience. At The Source for Survivors, we are here to offer support and guidance to survivors on this journey. Remember, healing is possible, and a brighter, healthier future awaits you. By Christine Murray
Over the past year, I’ve been fortunate to take two dedicated retreats that offered time for reflection, rest, and restoration. While both experiences were unique, they highlighted the profound healing opportunities that can occur when we intentionally create space for retreats in our lives. Though these two retreats took place at formal retreat centers, I also believe that we can create personal retreat experiences, even from the comfort of our own homes. The Cambridge Dictionary defines a retreat as “a period of time used to pray and study quietly, or to think carefully, away from normal activities and duties.” This definition resonates with me because it reflects the intentionality that makes a retreat so powerful, whether it's in a formal setting or something you create for yourself at home. In this blog post, I’ll share a bit about my two recent personal retreat experiences, along with reflections on the potential benefits of retreats for survivors of abusive relationships. I’ll also offer some ideas for creating your own retreat—whether through an organized experience or simply dedicating time and space at home. My Retreat Experiences My first retreat was a personal, individual stay at a retreat center that was gifted to me during my recent career transitions. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was navigating the stress and busyness of my job changes on top of my normal day-to-day responsibilities, and this retreat allowed me to hit pause and reset. I was nervous about going alone to a spiritual retreat center, but I quickly realized how much I needed the time away. During that first retreat, I mapped out a personal plan for activities like journaling, creating a vision board, and reading. I balanced these reflective exercises with moments of rest, naps, and walks in nature. The retreat center provided options for both community and solitude, offering separate spaces for silence or connection. During my stay at the retreat center, I followed my intuition about what I needed most at any given moment, which helped me to find rest and clarity in the quiet moments. My second retreat was a more structured, group- and faith-based experience. This women's retreat offered the opportunity to reflect deeply on my life and overall healing journey. While this retreat was not specifically designed for survivors, the sense of community and support provided a safe space to explore my personal trauma history and gain new insights into my healing process. In the past, I’ve also created more informal retreat-like experiences for myself at home. This often involved setting aside a dedicated time (e.g., an afternoon, a whole day, or a weekend) and focusing on self-reflection, rest, and specific intentional activities for healing, such as journaling. Being at home meant that distractions were more likely to come up, but I did get a lot of benefits from setting aside those times as personal retreats to help me practice self-care and focus on healing. The Power of Retreats for Survivors Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own experience, retreats can be a powerful tool in the healing process for survivors of abuse. Here are a few potential benefits:
Creating Your Own Retreat Experience If the idea of a retreat appeals to you, consider creating your own retreat space, whether through a formal or personally planned retreat. Here are a few suggestions:
Conclusion Whether you attend a formal retreat or create your own personal retreat space at home, the act of stepping away from daily routines to focus on your healing can be incredibly powerful. As survivors, it's important to give ourselves permission to rest, reflect, and heal at our own pace. Remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to retreats, and what matters most is that it feels right for you. If the idea of a retreat resonates with you, I invite you to explore what this might look like in your own life—whether it's a weekend away at a retreat center, a day set aside in your home, or even brief moments of quiet reflection built into your daily routine. Each experience can offer meaningful insights and opportunities for growth, helping you continue on your healing journey. By Christine Murray
A couple of weeks back in the Pathway for Survivors Blog, I wrote a post called, “Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser.” In that post, I shared some ways survivors can mentally, physically, emotionally, and socially prepare for times when they can’t avoid interacting with their abusers. Facing an interaction with your abuser is just one of many potentially emotionally challenging situations that survivors may encounter along their healing journeys. A few other examples might include facing a court date, moments of loneliness and isolation, stressful parenting situations, financial difficulties, and life changes like moving or starting a new job. In addition to general emotional regulation strategies that are helpful to build along the healing journey, it also can be valuable to develop our own quick “reset buttons” or quick tools you can use to process your reactions to them immediately following the interaction. These "emotional reset buttons" are essentially tools that allow you to process your immediate reactions to a difficult interaction or experience, so you can re-center yourself and move forward with your day. While these resets aren’t designed to fully address or heal the emotions tied to the event—that deeper work often requires time and reflection—they can be a powerful way to help you recover in the moment. A reset can prevent an emotionally challenging experience from overshadowing the rest of your day. So, what might these emotional resets look like? Here are a few examples:
Whether it’s an interaction with a former abuser, a tough conversation with another negative person in your life, or any other emotionally challenging situation, developing these reset tools can be a crucial part of your healing journey. They serve as immediate, actionable ways to re-center yourself and regain a sense of control after being emotionally impacted by an event. While these resets may not address all the deeper emotions tied to the situation, they do help create space for peace and clarity. Later, you can return to more in-depth processing if needed. In the meantime, these small actions can help protect your emotional well-being in the moment, allowing you to move forward with your day rather than being derailed by painful or triggering experiences. Ultimately, healing is a complex, non-linear journey. By incorporating emotional resets into your toolkit, you give yourself the gift of compassion and self-care, allowing you to navigate emotionally intense challenges with greater ease. |
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