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By Christine Murray
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), and throughout this month, you may notice survivors sharing their experiences in news stories and community events. This increased visibility can raise important awareness about abusive relationships, but if you are a survivor, you may find yourself wondering if sharing your story or otherwise getting involved in awareness activities is something you need to do as part of your healing journey. At The Source for Survivors, we recognize “Giving Back” as the 6th Commitment in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework. However, it’s important to note that giving back, especially by publicly sharing your story, always should be optional for survivors. Here’s why: The Importance of Choice While it’s incredibly valuable when people support survivors and raise awareness about domestic violence, it’s equally important that survivors feel empowered to make their own choices about whether and how they engage with these efforts. For many of us working in this field, including myself, DVAM holds special significance because of the increased attention it brings to this topic that’s so important to me. It’s often a busy time for those of us working in this field, as many community events and initiatives take place to promote awareness. But with that said, I firmly believe that the burden of raising awareness should never fall on survivors unless they want to be part of these efforts. Personally, I spent many years working in the domestic violence field before I ever publicly disclosed my identity as a survivor. The truth is, I wasn’t ready to share this for a long time—and more importantly, for a long time, I didn’t yet feel safe to be public about my experiences for a variety of reasons. The Pressures and Complex Emotions of Sharing Before I shared my experiences publicly, I remember times when I would sit in meetings or work on awareness events and feel a mixture of guilt and pressure. I knew I had every right to keep my story private, but I couldn’t help but admire those who shared their stories so bravely and openly. I often wondered what it meant that I hadn’t done the same. Looking back now, I feel compassion for myself and other survivors facing similar questions. I wanted to share my identity as a survivor, but I wasn’t ready. And I wish I had known then what I know now: That not being ready, or even had I never taken the steps to share my story publicly, did not invalidate my experiences as a survivor. The reality is that our stories and identities as survivors remain valid whether we share them or not. The Role of Safety in Sharing For survivors considering whether to share their stories or publicly identify as a survivor, one of the most important factors to consider is safety. Domestic violence often involves complex and ongoing threats to survivors’ physical and emotional well-being. For some survivors, sharing their stories publicly can increase these risks, whether from stalking, harassment, or other forms of retaliation. In addition to physical safety, emotional safety is just as important. For many survivors, sharing our stories too soon or at all can be triggering, even if we’ve made significant progress in our healing journeys. It’s also worth considering the emotional toll of hearing others' traumatic stories, which can happen when people reach out after hearing yours. Family and Emotional Considerations Other factors, such as family dynamics, may also affect a survivor’s decision to share. For example, if you have children, you might not feel comfortable discussing your identity as a survivor, especially if the abuser was the other parent. The potential emotional burden of sharing also can be significant, and survivors may not want to subject themselves to the judgment or stigma that sometimes still exists, even from those closest to them. It's important to understand that deciding not to share your story doesn’t make your experiences any less valid. Your healing is yours alone to navigate, and no one should pressure you to make your story public or get involved in other “giving back” efforts unless you’re certain this is right for you. The Potential Rewards of Sharing Of course, for some survivors, sharing their stories and supporting survivors in other ways can be a deeply meaningful way to give back and make sense of their experiences. Publicly visible examples of survivors can help others, raise awareness, and contribute to changing harmful societal beliefs about abusive relationships. Hearing from someone who has lived through abuse can be more powerful than hearing statistics or expert commentary. Survivors who are ready and feel safe to share their stories can make an enormous impact, helping to spark important conversations that may one day lead to the prevention of violence and abuse. Giving Back in Other Ways If you’re a survivor who feels called to give back but doesn’t want to do so in a public forum, there are many other ways to contribute. Consider volunteering your time at a local domestic violence awareness event or making a donation to a domestic violence agency in your area. Even sharing a social media post that raises awareness about local resources or the National Domestic Violence Hotline can have a huge impact. It’s important to note that giving back, in any form, is always your choice. And it’s okay if you never engage in any formal giving-back efforts related to domestic violence. Your passions and the ways you make a difference in the world may take many forms—whether through environmental advocacy, supporting animal rights, addressing local community needs, or simply being a kind and supportive presence for your loved ones. Your Healing Journey, Your Choice As this year’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to a close, I invite you to reflect on whether and how giving back might be part of your healing journey. Whether that includes sharing your story, supporting local causes, or focusing entirely on your own healing and well-being, remember that your journey is yours alone. You have the power to decide what feels right for you now and in the future. Whatever you choose, know that your experiences are valid, and you deserve to release yourself from any pressure to give back in ways that don’t feel right for you.
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Preparing in Advance if You’re Anticipating Seeing or Interacting With Your Former Abuser10/22/2024 By Christine Murray
Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to see or interact with your abuser again? For some survivors, this is possible, and going no-contact is often recommended in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. However, for many survivors, going completely no-contact is simply not possible. For example, survivors may share custody of children with their abuser. Or, they may live in a small community where avoiding someone can be difficult, if not impossible. It’s also possible that survivors may face interactions with their abusers, such as if they share mutual friends or have some interactions due to work responsibilities. And, even when survivors do all they can to avoid interacting with their abusers, many abusers are quite persistent in trying to stay in communication and may reach out via phone, text, email, and other means. (Of course, if you are facing ongoing safety risks due to stalking, harassment, and other ongoing forms of abuse, consider reaching out to a local domestic violence agency or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and assistance with developing a safety plan.) If you are in a position where you are likely to face in-person or other interactions with your abuser, this can be a very frustrating and distressing position to be in. It may not be possible to avoid all the distress that can come with interacting with your abuser. However, it is possible to take steps to prepare yourself for this interaction to help buffer yourself and promote your emotional well-being, even amid this potentially distressing situation. You can help yourself set and maintain boundaries to prepare in advance when you are heading into an interaction with your abuser. Of course, sometimes encounters with the other person will take you by surprise, so you may not always be able to prepare in advance for interactions with your abuser. However, there are likely many times you’ll be dealing with them that you know that interaction is coming. Practice the following advanced preparation strategies to determine which ones work well for you. Mental preparations are important when anticipating an encounter with your former abuser. Consider starting by setting an intention or reciting a positive affirmation to establish a constructive mindset before the interaction. It can also be helpful to rehearse any key points you want to communicate, thinking through how to express them respectfully and clearly. This mental rehearsal can include preparing for how you might respond if the other person treats you with disrespect or reverts to abusive words or actions. By mentally equipping yourself with these strategies, you can enter the interaction with greater confidence and clarity. Physical preparations are also important, as your body’s response to stress can significantly impact how you handle the situation. Taking deep, calming breaths can help center you, reducing anxiety and grounding you in the moment. Engaging in a quick burst of physical exercise, such as a brisk walk or a few jumping jacks, can also help to release nervous energy and calm your mind and body. These physical preparations not only help you manage immediate stress but also empower you to approach the interaction with a clearer mind and a calmer demeanor. Emotional preparations include giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions may arise before, during, and after the interaction. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions without judgment and to focus on regulating them as best as you can. By practicing emotional regulation, you increase your ability to maintain composure, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively to any harmful words or actions that your abuser uses. This self-awareness and emotional preparation can help you navigate the interaction with greater resilience and self-compassion. Lastly, social preparations can provide an additional layer of support. If possible, consider involving a trusted person, such as a friend or family member, who can accompany you during the interaction. Their presence can offer reassurance and provide a buffer against the toxicity of any negative interactions. Alternatively, you might arrange to have a support person “on call,” ready to talk to you afterward if you need to process your emotions or seek comfort. This social support can be invaluable in helping you feel less isolated and more grounded during and after the encounter. Once you’ve reviewed the above ideas to prepare in advance for encounters with your abuser, brainstorm other ideas that could work well for you. Also, if you do face distress during or after the interaction, consider ways that you can process your reactions and emotions in a healthy, self-supportive manner. This is also a topic that I’ll plan to cover in an upcoming Source for Survivors blog post, so stay tuned for more information on that. In the meantime, you may find it helpful to review the information I shared in my previous post on the topic of Emotional Regulation. By Christine Murray
Progress can be painful. Along the journey of healing from an abusive relationship, as we strive forward toward brighter days ahead, sometimes we may find that even positive steps forward can feel uncomfortable and, at times, downright awful. Moving through past hurts and building new positive habits, goals, and behaviors can be very challenging, even when we know we are moving forward into a positive new chapter of our lives. This discomfort can come up for many reasons:
In some ways, it can feel unfair that so many painful feelings and emotions can come along with making positive changes, especially when we are being intentional about healing the trauma and hurts involved in past abuse. Shouldn’t life just reward us by making the healing process easy, especially after all we’ve been through? It’s natural to indulge questions like this at times, although spending a lot of time on them might not help us too much when it comes to navigating the realities of the healing journey. Whether fair or not, going through discomfort and painful feelings is a natural part of the healing process for many survivors, and it may even be a sign of our growth and progress. I’ll share a recent example from my own life to help illustrate how progress can sometimes bring painful feelings along for the ride. Several months back, I had to set a boundary and (at least temporarily) cut off contact with someone who had been a close friend of mine for a long time. I knew this friend was going through some personal challenges, but they were acting toward me in ways that were hurtful, stress-inducing, and not respectful of some boundaries I had asked them to honor. Over time, I realized their actions were taking a toll on me, so I let them know I would not be able to be in communication with them at that time. As I write this blog post, I’ve still kept the distance intact. On the one hand, I was so proud of myself for recognizing the toxic behaviors and setting a boundary. I know there have been times in my past when I would have allowed the negativity to continue, even if it was affecting me in unhealthy ways. It felt good to recognize the progress I’d made and know I took a big step toward prioritizing my peace. At the same time, setting this boundary with my friend was painful. I was sad to cut ties with someone that had meant a lot to me. Whether the cut ties will end up being temporary or permanent, I faced a lot of sadness and doubts as to whether I made the right decision. I knew I’d made a decision that reflected my growth and progress, but even knowing that didn’t make the decision less painful. Along our journeys toward healing and personal growth, we may face many situations that involve growing pains and seasons of discomfort. Feeling better often comes on the other side of painful emotions like this. We may even question if we’re making the right decisions or taking the right steps when we feel these kinds of growing pains. Here are a few practices that may help you navigate times when you find yourself grappling with painful byproducts of growth along your healing journey:
Remember, healing isn’t about avoiding discomfort but about acknowledging it as a sign of your incredible growth and resilience. Trust the process, and give yourself the grace you deserve as you continue to move forward. By Christine Murray
Abusive relationships can impact your mental and emotional health, leaving many survivors feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. The emotional roller coaster of the healing journey often spills over into other areas of our lives as survivors. Despite these challenges, there is hope. You can navigate these difficult experiences positively by taking good care of yourself, especially by building a diverse, effective toolkit of coping resources that work well for you. This blog post offers steps to help with exploring different coping strategies and other tools to support your healing journey. Assess the Toll on Your Well-Being. Start with an honest, self-compassionate reflection on the impact of the abusive relationship on your well-being. This kind of self-reflection is useful for identifying areas where intentional healing is needed, along with possible coping tools and strategies that might help you process your experiences and manage any distress you feel. Set, Communicate, and Maintain Boundaries. Abusive relationships often involve unhealthy boundaries, including chaotic, unclear, or overly rigid ones. Learning to define, establish, and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for promoting positive relationships and minimizing the negative impacts of abusive ones. Consider any boundaries you may want or need to put in place in any and all areas of your life to help you establish a sense of calm and self-direction. Acknowledge and Process Difficult Emotions. Abusive relationships can lead to complicated and challenging emotional consequences, such as anger, hurt, and ambivalence. Coping tools can help you explore difficult emotions and identify healthy ways to acknowledge and process them, which is often a key part of coping with and healing from an abusive relationship. Practice Self-Care and Self-Love. Abusive relationships often lead to neglecting self-care and self-love as you focus on navigating the harmful actions of the abuser. For many survivors, their abuser's actions may have affected their sense of self-worth. However, practicing self-care regularly is vital for both coping and recovery. Taking intentional steps to care for and love yourself is an important part of the healing process. Build and Prioritize Healthy Relationships. Healthy relationships can be a powerful source of support when healing from abusive ones. Abuse can erode your confidence in building and maintaining healthy relationships, and many abusers use isolation as a tactic for gaining power and control over their partners. By increasing your skills and knowledge about fostering positive relationships, you can enjoy many positive interactions and navigate difficult ones more effectively. Although strong relationship skills do not guarantee you can fully avoid unhealthy relationships, they can significantly enhance your ability to build and sustain healthy ones. My team and I have developed the Healthy Relationships Initiative, which I’ll link here as one possible resource for learning about healthy relationship skills and information: https://healthyrelationshipsinitiative.org/. Conclusion Remember: Your own coping and healing journey is unique. It can take some time, practice, and experimenting with different coping strategies to figure out what tools will be most helpful to you, and the tools you need might varying different kinds of situations. There is no single "right" way to heal from an abusive relationship. Be intentional about addressing any thoughts or feelings that arise during your healing journey. Abusive relationships are tough, and the healing process can be equally challenging. Practice patience and self-compassion as you navigate your path to recovery. |
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