By Christine Murray
Last week here in the Pathway for Survivors blog, I shared a list of some of the common components of healing for survivors of abusive relationships. One of those component was “Clarifying Your View on Forgiveness.” Below is a copy of the brief comments I shared about forgiveness in that post: Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. After writing last week’s post, I kept feeling that the concept of forgiveness as it relates to survivors is extremely complicated, deserving more attention than that brief mention. Today, I thought it would be helpful to dive deeper into the topic of forgiveness. In this post, I’ll share more reflections on what forgiveness can mean for survivors of abuse, as well as some points survivors may want to ponder to decide what feels right to them when it comes to forgiveness. I have my personal views on what forgiveness means, but I thought a helpful place to start today’s discussion would be to look at some official dictionary definitions of forgiveness. Here are a few definitions I found:
A major theme we can see in this list of definitions involves viewing forgiveness as ending or releasing resentment toward someone who has harmed you. The Psychology Today definition adds the important point that “forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.” These definitions are helpful for us as survivors to review and understand. However, it may be even more important to understand our own thoughts and feelings that come up when we think of the concept of forgiveness. With that in mind, if you are interested and have a few minutes to do so, I invite you to pause reading and take a couple minutes reflecting on the following questions:
Feel free to take a brief pause and return to read the rest of today’s post when you are ready. As I wrote in my post last week, survivors can be empowered to determine whether and how complicated concepts of forgiveness are helpful to their healing process, and this also is something that can change at different points along the journey. Some survivors may find that the idea of forgiving their abusers is unhelpful to consider early on in their healing journey, but it may become more useful later after they have more distance and time separating them from their experiences of abuse. For others, forgiveness may never be helpful. There are no right or wrong answers here, especially because we all have different values and experiences. What’s most important is to figure out what makes sense to you, both now and as you move forward along your journey. Below are a few of my personal reflections and experiences on the concept of forgiveness. In the spirit of transparency, I do want to be open that for me, personally, the concept of forgiveness has been helpful to me and has been one goal I’ve focused on in my own healing process. In part, my views on forgiveness are informed by my religious and spiritual beliefs as a Christian, and it’s a topic I’ve heard covered in many sermons I’ve heard and discussions I’ve had within my faith communities over the years. I’ve also done a lot of reading and studying on the topic of forgiveness through my professional work in the counseling field, as well as have learned a lot from the many survivors who have shared their experiences through research and other work I’ve done. All of my personal beliefs and experiences aside, I don’t think that forgiveness is a requirement for healing, and I definitely do not think that survivors should feel any pressure to forgive their abusers. There should be no shame for survivors in making a decision whether or not to forgive, as this is a deeply personal decision. With that in mind, here are some of my reflections on the concept of forgiveness as applied to survivors of abusive relationships: Reflection #1: Forgiveness means different things to different people. How we understand the concept of forgiveness can significantly impact how we might want to relate to it in the context of healing from our abusive relationships. For some, forgiveness equates to forgetting or letting someone back into their life. It makes perfect sense why, for people with this view, having experienced the harm of an abusive relationship, it's natural to say things like, "I will never forgive that person" or "I will never forget what they've done to me." This belief system is valid, especially given the extensive harm and damage abusers can cause. If choosing not to forgive is part of what makes you feel empowered at this point in your own healing journey, it's worth exploring. If you’re supporting a survivor, either now or in the future, it’s important to remember that each person will make sense of and interact with the concept of forgiveness in a way that makes sense to them. Be cautious about imposing your views of forgiveness onto others. Survivors should be supported in defining forgiveness on their own terms. Reflection #2: Releasing bitterness and resentment can be healthy, whether or not we call it forgiveness. Releasing bitterness or anger can be healthy as survivors move along the healing journey, especially when coupled with establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This might mean having no contact or extremely limited contact with someone who has been harmful. You can move toward releasing your own pain while still setting solid boundaries. You do not have to let an abuser or anyone else who harmed you back into your life or have a relationship with them if you do not want to, whether or not you’ve forgiven them or have released your own resentment toward them. Releasing anger and bitterness can be a powerful part of the healing process for many survivors, but it doesn’t necessarily require using the concept of forgiveness. You can work toward releasing the impact that the abuser and their words have had on you without ever specifically aiming for “forgiveness.” That term in particular my be overly value-laden for some people to the point that it may not be helpful. Reflection #3: Forgiveness (or other forms or releasing pain) is a process, not a one-time event. Forgiveness can be a powerful one-time event, but in the context of abusive relationships, especially long-term ones, it often requires ongoing effort. Abusive behaviors can continue even after the relationship ends, such as in co-parenting situations. Survivors may find that they cycle through forgiveness multiple times. If you do choose to move toward forgiveness, understand that it is a process. It’s normal to need to process and release resentment repeatedly. Reflection #4: Forgiveness is for your own well-being, and the offender doesn’t need to be involved. Forgiveness is about releasing anger, pain, and bitterness you’ve been holding onto for your own well-being. It’s not about excusing the offender’s behavior or letting them off the hook. In fact, some survivors may establish even greater boundaries after forgiving someone to protect themselves. Forgiveness may help survivors move on emotionally, even if you maintain strict boundaries or no contact with the abuser. Reflection #5: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or letting the person back into your life. The concept of forgiveness doesn’t have to equate to forgetting what a person has done or reconciling with them. Your decision to forgive can be entirely separate from whether to let that person back into your life. If you have any thoughts about possibly allowing that person into your life, closely watch their behavior to determine if they are sincere about changing. Signs of sincere change include taking full accountability, not making excuses, respecting your perceptions, showing intentional efforts to change over time, and seeking help through counseling or other support programs. Conclusion Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision that each survivor should be empowered to make for themselves. It’s not a requirement for healing, and there should be no pressure or shame in deciding whether or not to forgive. What’s most important is finding what feels right for you in your healing journey. In closing, I want to emphasize the importance of recognizing that forgiveness is a deeply personal journey. You have the power to define what forgiveness means to you, to take it at your own pace, and to decide if it's something you want to pursue. Remember, your understanding and feelings about forgiveness may evolve over time as you continue along your healing journey. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about forgiveness in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. Please feel free to share in the comment section below. Thank you for reading, and I hope these reflections have been helpful as you consider whether and how forgiveness might play a role in your own healing process.
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By Christine Murray
At The Source for Survivors, our goal is to share inspiration, tools, and resources to support survivors on their long-term healing journey after an abusive relationship. Healing is often a lengthy and complex process, and the healing journey can feel confusing and lonely, with many survivors lacking guidance and support along the way. As I reflect on the first several months since The Source for Survivors launched in early 2024, I realize that I haven’t yet addressed a fundamental question: What does it even mean to heal from abuse? Each survivor likely has a unique vision and experience of healing. Every person’s needs, experiences, resources, community context, cultural beliefs, and values are different. Because of this, their views on healing will be just as personal. However, there are some common experiences and components that many survivors share. In this blog post, I’ll share some of my thoughts on healing and invite you to consider what it looks like for you. Common Components of Healing Resolving Emotional Traumas. Traumatic experiences are individually defined but generally involve an event or series of events experienced as traumatic, followed by lasting consequences. For many, going through an abusive relationship is a traumatic experience that impacts their emotional, mental, and physical health. Healing can mean recovering from these aftereffects and reaching a point of feeling more resolved or settled. Some possible tools that may help survivors process the traumatic experiences they faced include therapy, journaling, self-reflection, and trauma-informed care from supportive professionals. Reconnecting with Yourself. Many survivors of abusive relationships come to feel disconnected from themselves throughout the relationship. They may no longer have a sense of their preferences, interests, or even their own identity. Healing can involve rediscovering oneself, rebuilding self-esteem, and reconnecting with personal likes, dislikes, and values outside the context of the abusive relationship. Managing Triggers. Not everyone experiences triggers, but for those who do, learning to identify, understand, and cope with them is crucial. Triggers can be anything from a song on the radio to an unexpected memory that pops in your mind. Understanding and managing these triggers in a healthy way is an important part of the healing process. Clarifying Your Views on Forgiveness. Forgiveness is a sensitive topic among survivors of abuse. Whether, when, and how to “forgive” one’s abuser is a deeply personal decision that each survivor makes for themselves. For some, forgiveness might mean releasing anger and resentment. For others, forgiveness is an unnecessary or even harmful concept. Healing can involve exploring what forgiveness means to you and deciding whether and how it fits into your journey. Setting Boundaries. Setting boundaries and navigating communication with an abuser and/or other people who are associated with your experiences of abuse can be an important part of healing. Some survivors can cut all ties, while others, especially those who share children with their abuser, must maintain some form of contact. Building interpersonal and communication skills and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries can foster healing and emotional well-being. Finding Inner Peace. Achieving a sense of peace in life and within oneself can be another aspect of healing. While virtually no one (whether they are a survivor of abuse or not) feels peaceful 100% of the time, striving for inner calm and well-being can be a sign of significant progress toward healing. Prioritizing peace in survivors’ lives can help to guide decisions and reflect deep healing. Recognizing Your Growth. Some survivors find value in recognizing the growth that came from overcoming their experiences of abuse. This doesn’t mean the abuse was a positive thing to go through, but rather that overcoming related challenges led to personal strengths and resilience. This concept, known as post-traumatic growth, highlights how facing adversity can lead to profound personal development. For some survivors, part of the healing process is recognizing that they have grown and become stronger because of the challenges they experienced. Conclusion Above, I’ve described some of the major aspects of the healing process that resonate with me based on my own healing experiences and my work with survivors. As The Source for Survivors community continues to grow, I’m sure my understanding of healing will continue to evolve, and I hope you’ll join me in this evolution as well. I invite you to reflect on your definition of healing and identify which aspects are most important to you. Healing is a deeply personal and ongoing journey. By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can create a collective vision of what it means to heal from abuse. By Christine Murray
The journey of healing and recovering from past abuse unfolds differently for each survivor. It's a path that requires patience and perseverance because, for many of us as survivors, there are no quick fixes or shortcuts to healing. In our busy lives, finding dedicated time for healing can seem daunting. Yet, as we highlight in the Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporting Survivors Model, committing to a long-term perspective is beneficial. Over time, deliberate steps we take toward healing, no matter how big or small, lay the foundation for progress and shifts along our healing journey. Today's blog explores practical steps—what I refer to as "healing accelerators"—that can gently help us move forward in our healing journey. Acceleration, in this context, isn't just about speeding up time. Instead, I’m referring to intentional investments of our space and energy into our healing process. These strategies are designed to support us in moving forward and nurturing our progress with care and purpose. Setting Aside Dedicated Time. Finding time for healing amidst life's demands can be challenging. However, even small doses of intentionally-spent time, like a few minutes daily or an hour weekly, can significantly impact your healing journey. Consider scheduling a weekend retreat or time to join a monthly support group as potential ways to prioritize your healing. Seeking Specialized Counseling. Working with a therapist trained in trauma and abuse recovery can be extremely helpful. Look for mental health professionals who are experienced and well-trained in these areas so you can seek out specialized support tailored to your needs. If you find a potential counselor who seems like they may be a good fit, feel free to ask about their training and experience in these topics to help you decide if they will understand your experiences. Connecting with Peer Support. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be invaluable. Peer support groups, whether online or in person, can offer understanding and solidarity, as well as you that you are not alone in your journey. Building Coping Skills. Equipping yourself with a variety of coping strategies is useful for navigating the emotional intensity of healing. From communication tools to relaxation techniques, developing these skills supports not only your healing journey, but they also can enhance your overall resilience in life. Mindful Emotional Processing. Deeply engaging with our emotions is important for healing. Of course, it’s important to promote your emotional safety while exploring complicated, often distressing emotions. Acknowledging triggers and seeking appropriate support (e.g., from a trained counselor or a crisis hotline) when needed supports our emotional resilience and guides us toward meaningful progress in our healing journey. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Setting boundaries can help us to protect our well-being. Survivors may need to set boundaries with their former abusers if they still need to have contact with them (e.g., when they share children), as well as boundaries in the context of stressful or toxic other relationships, such as with friends, family members, or coworkers. Learning to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries is important for maintaining a “buffer zone” around us that supports our healing process. Educating Yourself. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the healing process can empower you with insights into your own experiences. Learning new information often provides clarity and different perspectives, aiding in the journey toward healing and self-understanding. Reflective Practices. Regular journaling and self-reflection can deepen your understanding of yourself and your healing progress. Taking time to check in with your emotions and experiences can help us to gain self-awareness and personal growth. Conclusion There is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and these accelerators may not be helpful for everyone. Healing accelerators can serve as intentional practices that can support and enrich the abuse recovery journey. I invite readers to share other ideas for healing accelerators in the comments below. Thank you for being part of our community as we aim to offer support and guidance for survivors along the healing journey. By Christine Murray
Emotions during the healing process from an abusive relationship can be overwhelmingly intense. I know this from my healing journey as a survivor, as well as through my work in the mental health and domestic violence fields. As a mental health professional, I'm an advocate for seeking professional support, such as counseling and crisis hotlines, as a helpful strategy for support with navigating intense emotions. Having professional support to consider how to personalize and apply general tools (like self-soothing, which I’ll cover in today’s post) to your unique circumstances also can be incredibly beneficial. While seeking support from professionals and compassionate loved ones is helpful, developing the capacity to self-soothe during the healing journey is very valuable as well. Intense emotional reactions are natural responses to the trauma of abusive relationships, so it’s understandable why powerful (and at times, distressing) emotions can be part of the healing process. Self-soothing can be a key tool in managing our intense emotions, as it helps to create more inner peace, clarity in our decisions, and progress toward healing. Self-soothing, in essence, refers to strategies, tools, and skills used during moments of intense, often uncomfortable emotions that lead to mental, emotional, or physical distress. Let's explore some practical ways to incorporate self-soothing into our healing toolkits as survivors of abusive relationships:
Integrating self-soothing into the healing journey can empower survivors with valuable tools to navigate intense emotions effectively. Remember, it takes a healthy balance of self-reliance and seeking support from others that can lead to our overall healing. In the comments below, I invite you to share your insights on self-soothing and other supportive concepts that survivors can use along their healing journeys. Your contributions enrich our Source for Survivors community and offer valuable support to fellow survivors. Healing from abusive relationships is a complex and emotional process. The Source for Survivors remains committed to providing valuable support and addressing topics that matter to our community. We welcome your suggestions for future blog topics as we continue this journey together. |
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