Building A Healthy Romantic Relationship After an Abusive One (Or Choosing to Stay Happily Single)6/17/2025 By Christine Murray
Healing after an abusive relationship is a very personal journey. For some survivors, part of that journey eventually includes building a new romantic relationship. For others, the healthiest, most empowering choice may be to remain happily single, whether temporarily or indefinitely. There’s no one-size-fits-all path, and today’s post is meant to offer encouragement for whichever direction feels right for you right now. After experiencing the trauma of an abusive relationship, it’s understandable to feel apprehensive about future romantic relationships. Survivors often have witnessed how easily trust can be broken and how painful it can be when hopes for love are shattered. Even still, it’s important to remember that safe, healthy relationships are possible after abuse. Relationships grounded in respect, kindness, communication, and emotional safety do exist. It may take time, healing, and trust in yourself, but if finding a new romantic relationship is something you want, it’s absolutely possible. At the same time, it’s just as valid to decide that pursuing a new relationship isn’t something you want or need, either for the time being or at any point in the future. Some survivors find deep fulfillment and peace in living single. You are a whole and complete person with or without a partner. The most important thing is that the choices you make about relationships moving forward honor your healing, well-being, and personal needs. Choosing to Stay Single: A Valid and Potentially Empowering Decision Not every survivor will desire to pursue a new relationship after abuse. Many survivors find that stepping away from dating and relationships is an important part of their healing. Some choose temporary breaks from romantic relationships to focus on self-care, while others decide to remain single long-term or permanently. There are many reasons survivors might choose to stay single, including desiring to focus on their healing, personal growth, and emotional safety, as well as seeking opportunities to enjoy their newfound freedom and independence after living under the control of their abuser. Choosing to remain single can be a powerful, courageous act of self-love. Of course, if you choose to stay single, it’s normal to encounter societal pressures or questions from others. You might hear, “When are you going to start dating again?” or, “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” It’s okay to affirm your choices and remind yourself that your journey doesn’t need validation from anyone else. Entering New Relationships: Accepting Risk and Honoring Growth If you do choose to seek out a new romantic relationship after an abusive one, it’s important to recognize that some level of risk is inherent in trusting another person. Survivors may carry understandable fears, such as fear of being hurt again, fear of missing early warning signs, or fear of repeating painful patterns. Acknowledging these fears is healthy, and it’s a sign of the wisdom you gained through your experiences. Building a new, healthy relationship after abuse often requires self-awareness, intentionality, healthy boundaries, listening to your instincts, and seeking input and guidance from a trusted support system. Often, when starting to date again, it is wise to take things slowly as you get to know the other person and see if they have the potential to be a safe, supportive partner to you (and you to them). Some survivors find it helpful to work with a counselor when exploring new relationships. Counseling can offer tools for rebuilding trust, addressing trauma-related responses, and strengthening your sense of empowerment. Final Thoughts: Empowering Yourself to Make the Right Decisions for You Whether you pursue a new romantic relationship or choose to remain single, healing and wholeness come from within, not from another person. Remember that you are already worthy, complete, and deserving of love--whether from a partner, friends, family, or a community support system (not to mention, from yourself). Begin to seek out and enjoy love and support in its many possible forms, which may or may not include a new romantic relationship. One of the most difficult effects of many abusive relationships is that they limit survivors from the freedom to make their own choices safely. Healing often means reclaiming our right to decide for ourselves what’s best for our lives moving forward. Whether that means building a new romantic relationship, choosing to stay single, or remaining open to either path, trust that you are the best person to make those decisions. You deserve relationships (or no relationships) that honor your safety, your peace, and your dreams for your life. You are worthy of a future that feels safe, free, and filled with the love, joy, and respect you deserve--in whatever forms they take for you. Note from the blogger: Today’s post has been adapted from three posts I wrote previously as part of the See the Triumph Collection: Safe & Healthy Relationships Following Abuse: (1) Safe, Healthy Relationships Are Possible After Abuse, (2) Abstaining from Relationships Following Abuse, and (3) Entering New Relationships as a Survivor of Abuse: Accepting the Risks and Moving Forward Safely.
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By Christine Murray
If you’ve ever found yourself in conflict involving someone (either your abuser or someone else) who is controlling, manipulative, and/or abusive, you may have learned the hard way that logic and reason don’t always help the situation. You might have approached the conflict hoping for understanding or resolution, only to walk away feeling confused, hurt, and disempowered. This might be because you were expecting a rational interaction with someone who wasn’t interested in reason at all. Instead, people who engage in abusive, manipulative behavior often thrive on conflict, power, and control. Their mindset isn’t usually about collaboration. More likely, it’s about domination and competition. In today’s post, we’ll explore the concept of “not taking the bait” when interacting with a controlling or abusive person, and how to protect your emotional well-being when you can’t avoid contact. Why You Can’t Reason with Someone Who Is Unreasonable In healthy relationships, conversations are grounded in mutual respect and shared goals, even during disagreements and conflict. But with an abusive or manipulative person, the dynamic is different. They often operate with a win/lose or dominate/submit mentality. For them, conversations aren’t about understanding and growth; they’re about maintaining power and control. People who behave this way may appear calm, logical, or even well-intentioned on the surface. But underneath, they’re often driven by deep insecurity, fear, or a desire to manipulate outcomes to their advantage. They may weaponize emotional language, therapy terms, or even seemingly kind statements, all to keep the focus on themselves and keep others off balance. They might twist your words around, apply double standards, gaslight you, dismiss you, or put you down. When the other person’s primary goal is to “win” and yours is to reach a mutual understanding, most likely you can’t expect a reasonable, balanced conversation. Trying to bring logic or fairness into the conversation often leads nowhere and can leave you feeling even more defeated and frustrated. Abusive and controlling individuals often push others’ buttons on purpose. They might insult you, provoke you, or play the victim. Chances are, they are seeking to get a reaction or get under your skin. When you “take their bait” and react in ways that show they’ve gotten to you, they likely feel that they are “winning.” The more you react and get pulled into their abusive tactics, the harder it likely becomes for you to find clarity and calm. This doesn’t mean you should never speak up for yourself. But it does mean it’s important to be strategic and grounded in how you respond. Responding Instead of Reacting, Which Sometimes Involve Disengaging When you can’t fully avoid interacting with the abusive person (e.g., if you share custody with them or work with them), take time to think carefully and how you want to respond to any potentially harmful and distressing words and actions. One helpful framework can be found in the High Conflict Institute’s BIFF Method, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I’ve always loved the simplicity and clarity the BIFF Method provides, and it can be a useful checklist when crafting your responses if you can’t completely avoid dealing with an abusive person. That said, in some situations and with some people in general, the safest and healthiest choice we can make is total disengagement. Do as much as possible to limit the access you give to someone who has shown you time and again that they intend to mistreat and hurt you. Here are a few ways to begin creating emotional distance from an unsafe person: (1) Minimize contact whenever possible; (2) Take time to cool down and respond (if needed) after you’ve had a chance to think things over; (3) Keep your boundaries clear and consistent, even if the other person pushes back, and (4) Practicing releasing the feeling that you need or want to get the last word. Remember that disengaging from toxic situations doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re protecting your peace. Seek professional support if needed to help you promote your safety and well-being. Protecting Your Safety and Your Peace Even when you respond with intention, interacting with a manipulative or abusive person can stir up painful emotions. You may feel angry, anxious, hurt, or even ashamed. These feelings are valid. After any upsetting interaction, take time to process your emotions, such as by journaling or talking to a trusted confidante. Consider writing a letter you’ll never send so you can express your feelings openly but maintain your distance from the other person. You may also find it helpful to reach out for support from a counselor, especially if that professional is trained and knowledgeable about the dynamics of abuse. Ultimately, healing from abuse often involves learning how to respond to hurtful people from a place of strength and self-respect. Sometimes, that means speaking up firmly. Other times, it means saying nothing at all. Every situation is unique, and your physical and emotional safety is a top priority. Trust your instincts, and remind yourself often: You deserve to protect your peace and prioritize your healing process. If you’ve found yourself in an exhausting cycle of reacting to an abusive or manipulative person, please know that you are not alone, and it’s not your fault. Abusive people are always fully responsible for their actions, even if they don’t willingly accept that accountability. You don’t need to be perfect in how you respond, but you can take steps to promote your well-being, one step and one interaction at a time. By Christine Murray
Last month, I crossed the finish line at the Pittsburgh Marathon—my seventh, and likely final, full marathon. I say “likely” because, as the years go by, the physical toll and schedule demands of training have become harder to manage. I still hope to take on a few more half-marathons and other shorter races, but completing this marathon felt like a meaningful milestone to me. As I trained for Pittsburgh, I found myself often thinking about how the process of training for a marathon is a lot like the journey of healing from an abusive relationship. While the race itself is an exciting event, it’s the months of training that truly shape the marathon experience. Just like the journey of healing from abuse, it’s the day-to-day progress that makes the biggest difference. So, let’s consider how healing from abuse is, in many ways, like training for a marathon. It Takes Time, Commitment, and Intention There aren’t really any shortcuts to marathon training—and the healing process is similar. Both require an ongoing, intentional investment of time and energy. You can’t expect to complete a marathon without preparing, even if you’re like me and moving at a very slow pace! Similarly, healing from an abusive relationship requires patience, self-awareness, and steady effort over time. Two of the six commitments in our Pathway for Supporting Survivors framework are relevant here: being intentional and taking a long-range view. Whether you’re building physical endurance or reclaiming your emotional well-being, the process isn’t quick. But with each intentional step, you move closer to strength and healing. You Often Need Support, Even When It’s Hard to Ask Marathon training often requires the support of others. That might mean carving out time in your family’s schedule, asking loved ones for flexibility, or seeking advice from a coach or experienced runner. In healing from abuse, the need for support is just as real—and often even more challenging to navigate. When you’ve experienced abuse, especially in a close relationship, your trust may be shaken. Reaching out for help can feel vulnerable or scary. But support can come in different forms. It might look like attending therapy, joining a support group, reading a helpful book, or simply texting a friend when you’re struggling. Healing is hard enough—no one should have to go it alone. You Need to Be Mindful of What You’re Taking In Marathon training requires careful attention to hydration and nutrition—not just during the race, but throughout the training process. What you put into your body affects how you feel when you’re moving. The process of abuse recovery is similar. But instead of gels and water bottles, the “fuel” of healing might be uplifting music that boosts your mood, affirming trauma-informed resources, relationships that bring support instead of stress, or setting boundaries with people who drain your energy. Take inventory of what you’re consuming—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. Are you fueling your healing or depleting yourself with negativity, doubt, or guilt? Adjust your intake as needed to support your progress. Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey When I tell people I train for marathons, I often get mixed reactions: some positive, others confused, and sometimes even critical. “Why would you want to do that?,” people ask. And the truth is, not everyone will understand. The same holds true in healing. You may make choices others don’t get, like stepping away from dating, cutting off a toxic mutual friend, or seeking therapy. Some people may question your decisions or expect you to “move on” more quickly. But healing isn’t about meeting someone else’s expectations. It’s about making choices that honor your own needs and values. And remember: You don’t need validation from others to do what’s best for you, whether it comes to training for a marathon or healing from an abusive relationship. You Get to Go at Your Own Pace One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through marathon training is that pace doesn’t determine the magnitude of the accomplishment. Whether someone finishes in lightning speed or (like me) is simply aiming to be done before the race course closes, they’re still a marathon finisher. The same is true in healing. Your pace is your own. Sometimes, progress comes quickly; other times, it’s slow and unsteady. Some days are full of breakthroughs, and others feel like you're just barely getting through. My marathon times have changed over the years. My fastest - over a decade ago now - was about four hours, but these days, I often walk more than I run. And that’s okay. There’s no one “right” pace. The key is to keep moving forward in a way that feels meaningful to you. Final Thoughts Training for what is likely my final marathon gave me time to reflect on my running journey, as well as the parallels between physical endurance events and emotional healing. Neither path is easy. Both can involve pain, frustration, and setbacks, but they also are opportunities for strength, growth, and transformation. You may not get a finisher’s medal at the end of your healing journey. You may not have a cheering crowd. But your journey is no less real, and your strength is no less powerful. So whether you’re in the earliest steps of healing, somewhere in the messy middle, or miles past the hardest parts: Keep going. Celebrate the small wins. And trust that, just like training for a marathon, every step you take is an important part of the process. |
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