|
By Christine Murray
Recently, I had the honor of speaking at the 13th Annual Celebration of Survivors Luncheon, hosted by Marva Edwards and Marva’s Outreach Mission. In today’s blog post, I wanted to share some highlights from my remarks at that event with those of you who couldn’t be there in person. The event reminded me of something that is at the heart of the mission of The Source for Survivors: That healing from abuse can be a long, winding journey, and often, it’s the small, quiet wins along the way that carry the most meaning. We Don’t Have to Wait for Huge Milestones to Be Celebrated Healing from an abusive relationship doesn’t often happen in one single moment in time. There is value in celebrating big “wins” along our healing journeys, but it’s important to value and honor the small, often unnoticed moments that demonstrate our progress as well. The luncheon’s theme of “Celebration of Survivors” resonated with me because I believe it is so important for there to be spaces where the strength, resilience, and triumphs of survivors are recognized. At the luncheon, I spoke about what it means to celebrate “small wins.” A small win could be:
Small wins may not be the dramatic milestones the world often likes to spotlight, but they are the everyday acts of reclaiming oneself along the healing journey. Small wins can show you that your healing is happening—even if no one else sees it. Celebrating Survivors’ Seemingly “Small” Everyday Wins Events like the Celebration of Survivors Luncheon are powerful because they remind us how important it is to be surrounded by people who honor the strength it takes to heal from abuse. As much as special events like the luncheon are important, however, I invite you to think of ways that you can build celebration into your everyday life. Whether on your own or in the company of your inner circle, seek out opportunities to recognize moments along your journey that are meaningful to you, even if they seem small at the time. Try not to overlook the importance of these seemingly small wins, and remember that every step you take forward - whether it’s a giant leap or a tiny baby step - offers a valuable opportunity for healing. Whether your win today is getting out of bed, sending a text to a friend, writing for a few minutes in your journal, or just taking some time for self-reflection, remember that small wins can add up to major impacts over time. You deserve to be celebrated, both for the big victories along your journey, along with the quiet acts of courage and strength you show each and every day. So today, and every day, may you give yourself permission to honor the small wins that are shaping your journey and helping you to grow and heal.
0 Comments
By Christine Murray
Financial abuse is a complicated form of intimate partner violence that is all too common for survivors to experience. Financial abuse is not present in every abusive relationship, but when it occurs, it can have major impacts on survivors’ well-being during and after the abusive relationship. In our recent book, Financial Abuse Recovery: Financial Healing and Empowerment in the Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship, we explore patterns of financial abuse as well as practical strategies that survivors can use to heal and seek financial empowerment as they are healing from the abuse they experienced. In today’s blog post, I am sharing a summary of some of the types of financial abuse to help raise awareness about this difficult type of abuse. To learn more and connect with an extensive list of resources that focus on the topics of abuse recovery, financial well-being, and career and educational pathways, please visit our book page on The Source for Survivors website at https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/financialabuse.html. Below, we explore the categories of financial abuse, along with some of the specific types of abuse that fall within each category. Emotional, Psychological, and Verbal Financial Abuse Some forms of financial abuse specifically target a survivor’s emotions and confidence, creating fear, confusion, and self-doubt. Emotional financial abuse manipulates a survivor’s feelings to gain financial control. For example, an abuser might exaggerate financial struggles to increase dependence or use guilt and pity to pressure a survivor into giving them money. Psychological financial abuse often involves gaslighting and manipulation. An abuser may distort financial facts, insist the survivor doesn’t understand money, or justify harmful actions—such as opening accounts in the survivor’s name—under the guise of “helping.” Verbal financial abuse uses hurtful language to undermine confidence. An abuser might belittle a survivor’s financial knowledge, calling them irresponsible or incompetent, which can erode self-esteem and make financial independence feel out of reach. Financial Control, Isolation, and Withholding Financial control is a powerful tool abusers use to limit a survivor’s independence, particularly in relationships where finances are shared. Abusers may withhold financial information, keeping partners in the dark about money matters or restricting access to accounts and passwords. Some exert control by giving a small, restrictive allowance or by refusing to contribute financially while hiding their own income. By isolating survivors from financial decision-making, abusers reinforce dependence and make it harder to leave. Recognizing these tactics is a critical step toward reclaiming financial autonomy. Deliberate, Harmful, and Potentially Illegal Financial Acts Some abusers engage in financial harm that is intentional, deceptive, and sometimes illegal, further tightening their control over survivors. If you suspect illegal financial abuse, seeking legal advice from a professional is highly recommended. Examples of specific types of financial abuse in this category include the following:
These tactics can have lasting financial and emotional consequences. If you've experienced these forms of financial abuse, consider reaching out to a legal professional or victim advocate for guidance on your next steps. Interference with Career and Education Abusers may sabotage survivors' career and educational goals as a way to exert financial control. Because economic independence is crucial for long-term stability, this interference can have lasting effects on a survivor’s financial well-being. Types of abuse in this category include the following:
The "Other" Category: Your Unique Experience Financial abuse can take many forms, and not every experience fits neatly into predefined categories. You may recognize some of the patterns discussed earlier, or you may have faced financial abuse in ways that are unique to your situation. If your experiences don’t align exactly with the examples covered, that doesn’t make them any less valid. Abuse is deeply personal, and its impact on your financial well-being is real, no matter how it occurred. Conclusion Financial abuse can take many forms, but at its core, it’s about power and control. Recognizing the ways financial abuse has impacted your life is an important step toward reclaiming your financial independence and well-being. Healing is a journey, and while the effects of financial abuse can be long-lasting, support and resources are available to help you move forward. No matter what you’ve experienced, you deserve financial stability, empowerment, and a future free from abuse. By Christine Murray
Often when parents separate or divorce, co-parenting is viewed as the ideal arrangement—one in which both parents work together collaboratively to make decisions and provide consistency for their children. However, for survivors of abusive relationships, this expectation can be unrealistic, and potentially even unsafe. Many abusive partners simply lack the capacity or willingness to work collaboratively and put the needs of their children first, which can be a source of great frustration and many challenges for survivors. If you’re struggling to co-parent with a former abuser, know that you are not alone. In many cases, what’s considered the "gold standard" of co-parenting simply isn’t possible, and an alternative approach may be needed to protect both you and your children. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, both parents communicate respectfully, work together to make decisions in the best interest of their children, and minimize conflict. However, these foundations require emotional maturity, cooperation, and a genuine commitment to the children’s well-being—qualities that abusive individuals often lack. Instead, an abusive ex may use parenting as a way to continue to exert power and control, turning co-parenting into a new arena for manipulation, intimidation, and conflict. In many custody cases involving an abusive parent, the situation is often labeled as "high conflict." However, this terminology can be misleading, as it suggests both parents are equally contributing to the conflict. In reality, the abusive parent is often the one perpetuating conflict and chaos, while the survivor is left navigating an ongoing battle to protect themselves and their children. When Parallel or Highly-Boundaried Parenting Becomes Necessary If co-parenting is not a viable option due to ongoing abuse, manipulation, or control tactics, parallel parenting may be a more realistic approach. Parallel parenting allows each parent to have minimal interaction with the other while maintaining separate parenting styles and decision-making within their household. The goal is to reduce conflict and limit opportunities for an abuser to exert control. Some key elements of parallel parenting include:
Unfortunately, sometimes even a parallel parenting approach is not possible, especially if an abusive ex consistently crosses boundaries that the survivor sets or engages in other ongoing forms of abuse, such as verbal abuse during necessary communication about parenting matters. In this case, it may help to take the concept of parallel parenting even further and adopt a stance of what I call in my book, Triumph Over Abuse, defensive parenting or highly-boundaried parenting. You might come up with a different phrase to use that makes more sense to you, but the idea is that parenting in these situations often feels like you’re frequently on the defensive and in need of guarding against your ex’s ongoing power and control tactics. A few strategies that may be helpful when you find yourself in need of a defensive or highly-boundaried parenting approach include (1) being extra intentional about setting and maintaining clear, strong boundaries, (2) surrounding yourself with as much support as possible, including professionals (e.g., a counselor, parent educator, and/or your children’s teachers), and personal connections like trusted friends and family members, and (3) keeping thorough records. It may be necessary to maintain documentation about harmful interactions with the other parent, including any concerning behaviors or violations of court agreements. It may also become necessary to explore legal options, such as working with an attorney and local criminal justice resources to understand your custody rights, as well as options like protective orders and other legal avenues to address safety concerns. Conclusion Parenting with an abusive ex is incredibly difficult, and the challenges you face are not a reflection of your abilities as a parent. Rather, your abusive ex is fully responsible for their harmful behaviors, although they may not show any signs of accepting accountability for their actions. Whether through parallel parenting or another highly-boundaried approach, your efforts to create a safe, loving environment for your children matter. You don’t have to navigate this alone--reach out for support, trust yourself, and take one step at a time toward healing and stability for both you and your children. Note: This post has been adapted from two previous pieces of writing I completed. You can find the original pieces below:
|
Categories
All
Archives
March 2026
|
RSS Feed
© The Source for Survivors. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site and blog without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Please note that The Source for Survivors is not a resource for providing personalized advice for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. The Source for Survivors also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.