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By Christine Murray
Counseling can offer many potential benefits for survivors of abusive relationships. For example, counseling can help survivors process their memories and experiences, learn coping skills, gain a sense of understanding and validation, and work through related challenges and impacts of the abusive relationship on many areas of their lives. Unfortunately, however, many survivors find it difficult to find a counselor who has the right training, experience, and understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships. I’ve worked in the counseling field for over two decades now, and I believe that the mental health professions in general have come a long way over the past couple of decades in terms of growing in recognition of the impact of traumatic experiences. At the same time, I still think that few too many mental health professionals receive in-depth training in the dynamics involved in abusive relationships. Training on this topic is not often covered in depth in graduate school training programs, so many mental health professionals need to seek out this information and training as part of their continuing education throughout their careers, assuming they or their employers recognize the need for this training. There is a general shortage of mental health professionals in general in many communities across the U.S. and the world. In addition, there is often an especially limited number of specialized mental health professionals in communities who have the unique combination of training, experience, and deep understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships to equip them to work with survivors. Because counseling can be such a valuable source of support for many survivors, it’s important for survivors to be equipped with the information and tools to help them connect with mental health services when needed. Here in this post for The Source for Survivors, I hope to offer some encouragement and practical steps that survivors can take if they want to explore counseling as a potential source of support along their healing journey. First, remember that counseling isn’t the only possible source of healing, and it may not make sense for all survivors and at all points in your healing journey. I always think of counseling as one of many possible tools, strategies, and resources that can be valuable for survivors. I do believe counseling can be extremely valuable, and I’ve seen this through my work as a counselor and counseling professor, as well as in my own life and through my own experiences as a counseling client at different points in my healing journey. If you’re considering seeking out counseling, take time to reflect on whether this would be helpful to you now, what your hopes and goals would be for counseling, and what qualities you’d like to find in a prospective counselor. Second, be intentional about seeking out a qualified counselor who possesses the qualities that you’re looking for. I think it can be wise to “cast a wide net” in your search for the right counselor for you, right now. For example, seek personal recommendations from people (who you can trust) in your network. You might consider contacting the local or state-level agencies (e.g., a domestic violence victim service agency or statewide domestic violence coalition) in your area that serve victims of domestic violence and other forms of abusive relationships and asking them for a recommendation of which counselors they trust and refer their client to. You can also consider searching mental health professional databases, such as Psychology Today, and using the filters to hone in on the qualities and areas of expertise that you’re looking for. Third, empower yourself to ask questions and seek out information to help you decide if a particular counselor is the right fit for you. Previously, I wrote a blog post for our See the Triumph campaign that included questions that survivors can ask prospective counselors to learn about their experience and approach to working with clients who have had experiences in an abusive relationship. I invite you to check out that post to see the checklist we shared through See the Triumph, as this was always a popular post on the See the Triumph blog. It can take some time to find the right counselor for you, so know that you may need to consult with a few different professionals before you find the one that feels like the right fit. Fourth, seek out additional resources and information to help reduce barriers to accessing counseling and other mental health resources and supports. Financial barriers can be a huge issue for many survivors. If you lack insurance coverage and can’t access counseling for that reason, consider reaching out to domestic violence advocacy agencies and see if they have any low-cost mental health resources, or perhaps they are aware of funding sources to help survivors without insurance gain access to counseling. If you happen to live near a college or university that has mental health professional training programs (e.g., psychology, counseling, or marriage and family therapy), contact these departments to see if they offer a low-cost clinic for local community members. Another possible source of counseling could be through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through your employer. Finally, know that there are free, 24/7 resources, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 9-8-8 Mental Health Lifeline. Although these crisis lines may not be able to offer long-term counseling, they can provide immediate support if you become overwhelmed and need some extra support, and they also may have referral resources to help you connect with additional sources of support. As a long-time counselor, I am a big fan of the potential growth and healing that can happen through counseling. At the same time, I know that finding the right counseling can be tricky. If you’re seeking counseling now or at some point in the future along your healing journey, be intentional in seeking out the right support - and remember that you are worthy of surrounding yourself with helpful supporters as you heal and grow.
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 By Christine Murray
As a survivor of an abusive relationship, it’s natural to spend a lot of time reflecting on your experiences in relationships with others--including your abuser, as well as other people in your life like your family members, friends, and perhaps professionals from whom you sought support related to your abusive relationship. You may also spend time thinking about potential future romantic relationships, like whether and when you may want to start dating again or how to build a healthy romantic relationship after you’ve experienced an unhealthy, unsafe one. There is a lot of potential value in reflecting on your experiences in relationships with others, but there is one other relationship that’s important to give your time, care, and attention: Your relationship with yourself. Having a healthy relationship with yourself can increase the health of your relationships with others because how you view yourself impacts how you show up in your relationships with others. Today, we’re debuting our newest free Source for Survivors resource: Our Strengthening My Relationship with Myself Worksheets. You can download these for free by visiting this website: Source for Survivors Strengthening My Relationship with Myself Worksheets. This resource includes 3 worksheets: (1) Reflection questions to examine the current quality of your relationship with yourself; (2) A self-rating exercise to consider how your relationship with yourself impacts how you show up in your relationships with others; and (3) An opportunity to write a self-supporting letter to yourself. We hope you’ll find this to be a helpful resource along your healing journey. If you choose to complete these worksheets, we hope they will foster a better understanding of the importance of your relationship with yourself, as well as help you identify ways you can strengthen it. By Christine Murray
The stories of survivors of abusive relationships are so powerful. They can educate, inspire, and foster connection. For survivors of intimate partner violence, sharing one’s story can be a transformative experience—both personally and in its potential to impact others. However, sharing a personal story of surviving abuse is a deeply personal decision that comes with both opportunities and challenges. Taking time to reflect on this decision and plan thoughtfully can help ensure the process feels empowering and safe. The Power of Telling Your Story Many survivors find that expressing their experiences, whether privately or publicly, can play a significant role in their healing journey. Stories have the power to challenge stigma, educate others about the realities of abuse, and inspire those who are currently navigating difficult circumstances. They can help create a world where survivors feel seen, supported, and understood. However, deciding to share your story with others--whether publicly or privately--is a significant choice. While it can be empowering, it is also essential to consider potential risks and challenges. For example, sharing your story publicly may expose you to judgment, misunderstandings, or even safety concerns if your abuser remains a threat. It’s important to assess your emotional readiness, your support system, and any potential consequences before deciding to share your story. Equally valid is the potential decision not to share. Survivors have the right to protect their privacy and prioritize their safety. If you choose to share, the key is to do so on your terms, in ways that feel safe and meaningful to you. Different Ways to Share Your Story There is no single “right way” to share your story as a survivor of abuse. Each survivor’s journey is unique, and how you tell your story should reflect your comfort level, personal goals, and circumstances. Here are a few ways you might consider sharing:
Tips for Sharing Your Story Safely and Meaningfully Prioritize Your Safety: If there is any risk of retaliation or harm from your abuser, take steps to protect your safety. This may include using pseudonyms, sharing anonymously, or delaying your decision to share. Set Boundaries: Decide in advance what parts of your story you are comfortable sharing and what you prefer to keep private. You are in control of your narrative. Seek Support: Before and after sharing, connect with trusted individuals who can provide encouragement and understanding. Processing your feelings with a therapist or a support group can be especially helpful. Pace Yourself: Sharing your story can be emotionally taxing. Allow yourself time to process your emotions and take breaks if needed. Honoring the Stories of Survivors Every survivor’s story is unique, important, and worthy of being heard. Sharing your story—whether privately or publicly—can be an act of courage and resilience. There is power in our stories as survivors to heal, educate, and inspire. By honoring your story and sharing it in ways that feel right for you, you contribute to a world where survivors are seen, supported, and celebrated. Remember, the decision to share your story is entirely yours. Whether you choose to speak publicly, write privately, or simply hold your story in your heart, know that your story matters and your voice is powerful. Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from previous posts that I wrote for our See the Triumph campaign’s Collection: Every Survivor Has a Story. |
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